SHTF=Squirrel Hiding in The Furnace?


PDA






Monkeyleg
February 24, 2003, 05:32 PM
Three nights ago I decided it was time to lube my defense gun. So, I headed down to the basement to get all the necessary goop.

As I walked toward the cabinet, a whimpering sound came from the furnace. I've heard furnaces clunk, click, and whoosh, but never whimper. So, I stopped to listen. Sure enough, it whimpered again. When I rapped my knuckles on the side, I heard the unmistakable sound of tiny feet.

Upstairs to call my brother-in-law, who works for a heating and A/C company.

"Jon, I've got a critter in my furnace. What should I do?"

"Get it out of there."

Free advice is worth the price.

Tools in hand, and a pair of heavy gloves along in case of rabid attack, I began removing various pieces of sheet metal and ductwork.

When I removed the 8" flue pipe from the furnace, a gray squirrel dropped out, hitting the bridge of my foot on its descent. Startled, I jumped back. Equally startled, Buddy the Squirrel scurried into the next room, where all the broken furniture, stereos and VCR's sit, waiting for me to fulfill my promise to fix them "someday." Clearly, he wasn't going to be found in that jungle.

I told my wife to keep the basement door closed, then put the furnace back together again and, tired from two hours of ductwork and rodent-driven apprehension, headed off to sleep, assuring my wife I'd get a live trap in the morning.

True to my promise, I set up the trap. My wife got peanuts and carrots for the bait. She also neatly cut some peanut butter sandwiches into eight squares (how come I don't get this kind of treatment?). What she would not do was the laundry, which had been piling up in the chute; she wasn't going down in that basement until the threat level was back to White.

Buddy didn't like the trap, although he somehow managed to snag some food out of it.

I opened a basement window to give him a way out but, with temps outside in the teens, Buddy opted for the warmth of the furnace. The only result of opening the window was to freeze the water in the pipes running up to the kitchen.

Day Two: back to the hardware store for some industrial-strength poison and some rat traps. I suspect Buddy may have been a seasoned repeat offender, because he didn't touch any of it.

This morning, sometime before dawn, I awoke to the sound of my wife screaming, even louder than the last time she saw me naked. Grabbing flashlight and .45 from the nightstand, I scrambled down the stairs to rescue her from whatever thugs had invaded the house.

No thugs, but Buddy the Squirrel had found a way upstairs. He and Zach the Dog were engaged in some kind of barking and shrieking standoff over in the corner. Zach's an indoor dog and, while he had a size advantage over Buddy, he doesn't have the "street fighting" mentality that the squirrel no doubt did. Nor did he have rabies (yet). So, it was Zach or Buddy. Besides, my patience was at an end, as was my supply of clean underwear.

Training my flashlight on Buddy, I aimed the pistol at his midsection. (For you technical types, Center of Mass on a squirrel is probably 1/2 MOA).

Under flashlight illumination, Federal Hydra-Shoks produce an effect similar to what I vaguely remember psychedelics to be like. At first I saw nothing but white, then the entire room was bathed in a bright, multi-colored glow. Something like an illuminated kaleidoscope. The sound in my ears was like an interminably-sustained high note from a Fender Stratocaster. My wife was yelling something, but I was busy trying to decide whether this New Woodstock experience was annoying or pleasurable.

Now, I get along famously with all my neighbors, except the B---- Next Door. Our relationship makes GW and Saddam look like frat brothers. Our houses are just twenty feet apart, and she takes her barking dogs out as early as 4 am, which is usually when I'll call the cops.

So, I have no doubt it was her phone call that caused the sea of red and blue flashing lights in front of my house.

I'd been able to hear the sirens, and I heard some kind of voices outside, but the Stratocaster kept me from understanding.

After years of marriage, wives develop a way of communicating with husbands who can't or won't listen. "They want you outside!" she barked. "Get out there before they come in and shoot all of us!"

I obliged, and opened the front door, at which time Zach the Dog decided he'd had enough. He raced past me to the Sane Outdoors, with my wife in hot pursuit. I yelled to the police, "it's okay! She's a non-combatant." I've no idea why I used that term but, in the long history of police paperwork, I'd bet this is probably the first time the words "squirrel," "fox terrier," and "non-combatant" were used in a single report.

Standing before me was a police officer who, if not for the badge, would have looked every bit like a very large Marine, complete with the "shaved sidewall" haircut. As I eyed him up, he looked me over: skinny legs spattered with Buddy blood, wearing just my last clean pair of shorts, pillow hair, and pupils probably the size of quarters.

"Have you been drinking, sir?" Officer Sidewalls asked.

Ever since I was a kid, I've had the nasty habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

"No," I replied, "but this sure seems like a good time to start."

When Officer Sidewalls finally allowed me to unclasp my hands and step away from the wall, I decided that humor was probably not his strong suit.

It was also about then that my vision cleared, and I realized that I hadn't shot Buddy the Squirrel. I'd exploded him. Little bits of Buddy guts were splattered on the sides of the end table where he'd been. The floor was a jumble of fur and unknown viscerals. Buddy's furry tail was near an overturned vase, which got me to thinking about creating some kind of trophy. His eyes were still open, and his yellow rodent teeth sort of reminded me of Gary Bussey from "Lethal Weapon."

Officer Sidewalls wasn't as interested in Buddy as I was, though. He wanted some answers. After some lengthy discussion, he became sympathetic to my rodent plight, promised no charges, and left to write the report of his career.

Meanwhile, my wife had recovered Zach the Dog.

And, in just two hours or so, I'd be able to go to the hardware store to get some True Value SquirrelGutsRemover, as well as some wood putty and stain for the hole in the floor.

Life was good once again.

Sitting here now, I can reflect on what I learned: a wire grate on top of the chimney is a good thing; joking with an officer responding to a "shots fired" call is not a good thing; squirrels are smarter than people; the .45 ACP is vastly underrated as a varmint round; and the New Woodstock experience is indeed annoying.

But, I wonder: would it be over the top to introduce a few mice into the house of the B--- Next Door?

If you enjoyed reading about "SHTF=Squirrel Hiding in The Furnace?" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!
TheFrontRange
February 24, 2003, 05:38 PM
This was far better than any "Ayoob Files" piece I've ever read!!!

:D

Glad everyone survived that ordeal, sir...well, except for Buddy...

P95Carry
February 24, 2003, 05:47 PM
Anecdote at its best .... great read, and thx! I think I might have to ''borrow'' that ... for others to enjoy!!:p

gryphon
February 24, 2003, 05:50 PM
As the drunk on Howard Stern would say, "Oh my ****in' GOD!"

I've not heard anything that entertaining in a while.

HSMITH
February 24, 2003, 05:51 PM
LMAO!! Now you know.

warpig
February 24, 2003, 05:52 PM
ROFLMAO

that guy is my hero

voilsb
February 24, 2003, 06:05 PM
that's a pretty funny story, though I *do* think it's too much to release mice upon your neighbor.

you may not live as friendly neighbors, but that doesn't mean you should intentionally do things to upset the relationship even more. maybe even try to explain the situation to her, so that she might be in some way amiable to a peaceful relationship in the future.

standingbear
February 24, 2003, 06:16 PM
yellow teeth..eyes still open...wheres that grounds keeper from the caddy shack movie?i dare you to send it in to readers digest "funny things" section.:D :D :D

Deadman
February 24, 2003, 06:20 PM
http://phatcat.animedominion.com/emoticon/rflmao.gif



Monkeyleg you should team up with Lawdog....

Matt G
February 24, 2003, 06:22 PM
Great stuff. :D

Favorite story: http://www.thislife.org/ra/115.ram
Slide forward to 19:53 to hear "Squirrel Cop."

Dick, I do hope this won't be a regular occurrance of yours, but your post was worthy of putting alongside my buddy LawDog's writings. :)

Hkmp5sd
February 24, 2003, 06:29 PM
Do you think that True Value SquirrelGutsRemover might be good for cleaning iceteathroughthenoseandonthekeyboard ?

:D :D Good one!

El Tejon
February 24, 2003, 06:36 PM
Where are the posts on which bone-crushing magnum to stop a squirrel's charge?

Monkey, I thought I was the only one! MPFreeman and I had a squirrel in the furnace as kids. LSFreeman used a blanket to direct it out the door which mom held open. Made a great essay for 6th grade English!:D

keyhole
February 24, 2003, 06:46 PM
Reminds me of a buddy who had a pack rat problem in his house. Several of his friends, and he decided to take out the offending critter, with extreme prejudice. The utilized a .22 rifle, and thinking ahead, thought they needed something to muffle the sound. Being in the kitchen, they used the first handy item they ran across, a potato. Well when they capped the first, and only round at the critter, they sent parts of potato all over the kitchen. Needless to say, the critter headed for parts unknown, unscathed. He spent the rest of the night trying to clean parts of the tater up, so the wife would not find out about the incident.
Will have to plagerize the story to some of our club members. They'll get a kick outta it.:p

BB93YJ
February 24, 2003, 06:51 PM
That was great. You ought to submit that to some of the magazines, how could they not publish that? Now, where's the windex, gotta clean off the 'puter screen from where I sprayed my coffee laughing so hard...:p

BB93YJ
February 24, 2003, 06:59 PM
That was great. You ought to submit that to some of the magazines, how could they not publish that? Now, where's the windex, gotta clean off the 'puter screen from where I sprayed my coffee laughing so hard...:p

PAshooter
February 24, 2003, 07:18 PM
Had a somewhat similar experience several years go one Thanksgiving weekend. The weather had turned chilly and when I came home from church I decided it was time to fire up the woodstove for the first time that season. But before I got the stove loaded up I noticed a pronounced scratching sound coming from within the flue. I figured a bird had fallen down the chimney, and while I felt bad for it there was absolutely no way to get it out so I went ahead and stoked the stove - figuring the poor critter would just get toasted.

I lit the fire (with lots of newspaper and kindling) and before long had quite the inferno underway. I was sitting by the side door of the stove (where I load the wood - and always leave it open a crack until the fire is going great blazes) when suddenly the door opens by itself - and out pops a little black nose - followed by the rest of the squirrel. This poor blackened little critter goes tearing around the house, finally taking up residence behind the china cabinet in the dining room. The cat's going nuts!

Closed the cat in the bathroom, opened the sliding glass door in the family room, and finally managed to herd the terrified little critter back outside. He looked a bit sooty but none the worse for wear due to the experience.

Years later when we repainted the dining room I moved the hina cabinet away from the wall to find a black smudge behind it - a small reminder of our Thanksgiving surprise.

gburner
February 24, 2003, 08:02 PM
Great story. A nice chuckle for this evening!



BTW...I'd recommend a skunk for tactical critter insertion into the house of the BND. I don't think there's a True Value Skunk Funk Remover.:D

Autolite
February 24, 2003, 08:10 PM
but isn't .45 ACP a little bit heavy duty for use against squirrels? A Crosman 1377C with shoulder stock and laser site should have dispatched the critter with a lot less spatter. Of course, you would keep the .45 as a backup in case the little rat is 'packing' too ...

Slow
February 24, 2003, 08:39 PM
This is one of the funniest stories I've read in a long time. Thanks for a good gut laugh:D

Standing Wolf
February 24, 2003, 08:46 PM
Out-##########-standing!

I think you should send it to <i>Shooting Times.</i>

4v50 Gary
February 24, 2003, 08:57 PM
Great story depicting the hazards of civilized living. :D

AZTOY
February 24, 2003, 08:59 PM
WERE ARE THE PICTURES OF THE MESS!!:neener:

mgjohn
February 24, 2003, 09:06 PM
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!

JamisJockey
February 24, 2003, 09:08 PM
As I sit here wiping beer from my screen....what a great tail !!!
:neener:

Monkeyleg
February 25, 2003, 12:03 AM
Comments on Runt's editing moved to a different topic.

thebaldguy
February 25, 2003, 12:11 AM
Diet pop is coming out of my nose reading this story...


Perhaps, for the future, something more appropriate could be used...like a pellet pistol/rifle. Here in the city, I use a remote controlled 4x4 truck to chase the squirrels from our bird feeder. It's pretty good entertainment on a winter day.


My neighbors thought THAT was pretty funny.

scottgun
February 25, 2003, 12:58 AM
That is some funny stuff. What I don't understand is how a female dog next door can call the cops.

My neighbors didn't think it was funny when I was shooting at squirrels with my slingshot. Little did they know, I was using non-lethal pellets consisting of dog food. It ticks off the squirrel when you hit them and its kind of like marinade or seasoning for the dogs. These squirrels will taunt the dogs by snickering and flicking their tails, too bad I live in town, no discharge of firearms (even bb guns).

coonan357
February 25, 2003, 01:43 AM
whats next .38 hbwc's for mice ?? Opps I already did that several years ago .. :rolleyes:

Drjones
February 25, 2003, 02:06 AM
That was magnificent!!!!!

Totally hilarious!!!!


Thank you!

Kahr carrier
February 25, 2003, 06:54 AM
That story made my day and now I know what to expect if I let a 45 Hydroshock loose in the house.:D

dinosaur
February 25, 2003, 07:11 AM
Had a large bird in the water heater flue. Made a lot of noise since the heater was running. Removed flue pipe, inserted .22 revolver loaded with shot, no more birdie. :D

Don Gwinn
February 25, 2003, 08:23 AM
We had a bird trapped in our wall the other day, in the large open space where our pocket doors go. I must admit, however, that the simple expedient of blowing it away with a .45 didn't occur to me. ;)

cordex
February 25, 2003, 08:48 AM
*laugh*
wonderful story.
classic style

Maddock
February 25, 2003, 09:07 AM
Marvelous!
ROTFLMAO

762x51
February 25, 2003, 10:46 AM
GREAT story! :D

Thanks for the laugh!

MLH
February 25, 2003, 11:53 AM
:D You should send that to Reader's Digest. Probably get $3-400 for it!

And you and Lawdog should get together!

Brian Maffei
February 25, 2003, 12:25 PM
A THR classic! Great title, BTW.

meathammer
February 25, 2003, 12:40 PM
Excellent story! :D

Cosmoline
February 25, 2003, 01:45 PM
Good argument for a nice little single shot .410. Nothing beats it for getting rid of small game at close range, with minimal noise and no overpenetration.

ahadams
February 25, 2003, 01:53 PM
one of my thoughts was that this reads like classic Ed Zern...except how many of us are old enough to actually remember having read Ed Zern's stuff?

hso
February 25, 2003, 01:57 PM
Brilliant!

waynzwld
February 25, 2003, 01:59 PM
Great story! It is good to know that I'm not the only one to use "excessive force" on indoor varmints! :p

WilderBill
February 25, 2003, 02:16 PM
ROTFLMAO!!!:D
If there is a next time I would recommend a .22 with rat shot, however.

Hutch
February 25, 2003, 02:16 PM
Can't top that one, but I did COVER a 'possum with a .45 in the basement for a while. Similar circumstances, scream from SWMBO wakes me, grab the 1911 (forget how it was stoked, pro'ly 200gr lswc. Hey, it was a looooong time ago). After survey and evaluation, left the .45 w/ SWMBO to cover the varmint, and I got a .22 levergun. Took a coupla-three CB caps in the hat to settle him down, but it worked. And no bothersome ricochets to duck!

TallPine
February 25, 2003, 04:26 PM
except how many of us are old enough to actually remember having read Ed Zern's stuff?

Guilty as charged :)

He was always one of my favorite writers, and is probably responsible for my weird sense of humor.

Peetmoss
February 25, 2003, 04:39 PM
OMG that was Hillarious. Great Story.

556A2
February 25, 2003, 04:49 PM
LMAO, truly a great story! :D

bedlamite
February 25, 2003, 05:51 PM
Seems closer to FUD Files than Lawdog Files. :D

bogie
February 25, 2003, 06:39 PM
A lot closer to when I was down in my apartment building's basement, after the cute widdle possums and the stray cat that snuck in and dropped a litter of kittens had officially become (runt would censor this big time) vermin, since they distributed a good case of fleas through several of the apartments that were above 'em...

Anywho, being in the city and all, I have to be particular about doing nasty things to such pests.

Shovels work VERY well on possums if you can catch 'em where you can get a good swing in. Got several of the little ones that way.

So, anywho, hear a yowling from the basement, and one of neighbors has discovered an unkilled portion of said vermin. She retreated to the safety of her apartment, and another guy and myself went looking to see what caused the ruckus. We find Mama Possum crawling along some pipes along the ceiling, and corner her... I run for implements of destruction, and come back with a bayonet.

I swear, I thought that my neighbor was going to FAINT! And the neighbor was a guy... "Ohmigawd! Don't do that!" And he really sorta lost it when I asked him to cover me with the shovel in event the possum-gigging experience caused the possum to go all nasty and try to chew off a pinky or two up to my elbow... Instant refusal.

Gave up on the whole concept, and came back later and zorched the critter without witnesses.

Dave R
February 26, 2003, 12:16 AM
Great story. Loved it.

Monkeyleg
January 10, 2006, 07:51 PM
I cannot believe it. I have another squirrel in my furnace today!

I'll try the live trap first. If that doesn't work, I'll buy a box of .357 shotshells.

odysseus
January 10, 2006, 07:58 PM
Don't forget the flashbags... oh.. I mean flashbangs. :D

HighVelocity
January 10, 2006, 08:12 PM
I cannot believe it. I have another squirrel in my furnace today!

I'll try the live trap first. If that doesn't work, I'll buy a box of .357 shotshells.

Thanks for the laughs. Sounds like you have a viable need for a supressed .22 pistol. :evil:

jer1949
January 10, 2006, 08:26 PM
It'll be years before THAT story is topped!

popeye
January 10, 2006, 08:32 PM
Mickey's Muslim Brother? The critters band together for a furry war? http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-mouse-fire,1,7695690.story?coll=chi-news-hed

garrett1955
January 10, 2006, 08:36 PM
OMG that was the most intresting, humorous read in a long time!!!

thanks for sharing the experience!!!!:D

Kevlarman
January 10, 2006, 08:50 PM
Wait, why don't you just turn on the funance and wait till he keels over, and then get him out? :evil:

joebogey
January 10, 2006, 09:07 PM
LOL Great story.

I just read in the news today where a gentleman had captured a mouse in the house. Since he was burning leaves, he decided to use that as a means of dispatching said mouse.
Only one problem, the mouse caught fire, ran back to the house and burned the guys home to the ground.

I'll have to see if I can find the story and the link again. Probably on Fox as that's where I usually catch up.

Just read that the story has now been declared false. You can read about it here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10790750

gremlin_bros
January 10, 2006, 09:57 PM
ok now i need to get somthing to cleen ginger ale of my screen i laffed till i cryed thanks for the laff monkeyleg though with the new one might i sugest a 22 not 357 even with shot it is still going to be loud try the 22 first.

springmom
January 10, 2006, 10:02 PM
I couldn't quit laughing long enough to read an entire SENTENCE to the hubster! What a riot!!!

As the owner of two Irish terriers, I could just see Jackson and Pippin in that situation... although I think if I had shot a gun in their direction, they'd still be running.

Springmom

popeye
January 10, 2006, 10:12 PM
Well that explains it. All the squirrels in my nieghborhood are wearing tiny Kevlar vests. PETA's handing em out a the big oak at the crossroad.

Trip20
January 10, 2006, 10:26 PM
Dick, can I borrow your furnace next squirrel season? :neener:

Strings
January 10, 2006, 10:41 PM
>I cannot believe it. I have another squirrel in my furnace today!<
it's his brother Dick, he's come lookin' for revenge... :neener:

bogie
January 10, 2006, 11:46 PM
How close are you to St. Louis? I've got a new .300 WinMag I wanna try out.

Call the BND before you do anything...

Idea: Humane society, get the biggest, ugliest cat they've got. One that looks like he likes to fight. Stuff him in the furnace, and wait.

KaceCoyote
January 10, 2006, 11:58 PM
This is when .22LR pistol conversion kits really come into their own.

Squidward
January 11, 2006, 12:03 AM
Hollow point or Ball ammo?

el44vaquero
January 11, 2006, 12:31 AM
I know what your thinking Mr. Squirrel. Did he fire five shots or did he fire six? To tell you the truth in all the excitement I forgot myself. You feelin' lucky punk? Well....are ya?

Herself
January 11, 2006, 01:02 AM
O...M...G!

Never had a squirrel in the house; and I never really thought of them as .45-suitable! Guess not, if you wanted any for dinner....

Delightful story. And now another one? Are you burning peanut oil in that thing?

We get birds in our furnace from time to time, but they're no fun. They just die and stop the little draft-inducer fan from running, which in turn keeps the furnace from coming on. Definitely time to look into a screen for the chimney!

old4x4
January 11, 2006, 01:07 AM
double post

old4x4
January 11, 2006, 01:08 AM
No thugs, but Buddy the Squirrel had found a way upstairs. He and Zach the Dog were engaged in some kind of barking and shrieking standoff over in the corner. Zach's an indoor dog and, while he had a size advantage over Buddy, he doesn't have the "street fighting" mentality that the squirrel no doubt did. Nor did he have rabies (yet). So, it was Zach or Buddy. Besides, my patience was at an end, as was my supply of clean underwear.

Lemme get this straight...you fired the 45 inside your house because of a squirrel?? How many walls were penetrated and where did the bullet end up? Wow...you must be a contractor. I read the squirrel was "upstairs" Correct me if I'm wrong..

silverlance
January 11, 2006, 01:48 AM
second that last comment. either he's a contractor, or he has a VERY forgiving wife (and probably he's a masochist to boot)

Cliff47
January 11, 2006, 10:17 AM
Great mental images with that story. Just a couple of observations, if you will allow me:
1) Aim betwen the eyes, they tend to charge when they're wounded.
and
2) Releasing small varmints into the neighbor's residence would be considered cruel and unusual punishment, for the varmints.

elric
January 11, 2006, 10:40 AM
Try the Aguila Colibri primer-only .22s next time on your varmints ... whole lot less messy than a .45 (and pretty quiet, too!).

SMLE
January 11, 2006, 11:37 AM
"Pack" of squirrels takes out dog! :what:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4489792.stm

sumpnz
January 11, 2006, 10:50 PM
I read the squirrel was "upstairs" Correct me if I'm wrong..Squirrel came out of the basement to the first floor. At least that's how I understood it.

FireBreather01
January 12, 2006, 12:01 AM
You should really send that in to one of the gun rags!!! That was as good as or better than Connor!

Monkeyleg
January 12, 2006, 12:06 AM
First squirrel shot went into an oak floor. Not much penetration.

Today's squirrel has been extremely quiet. Hasn't touched the treats in the live trap.

I'm hoping he figured out how to climb up the chimney, although I don't know that squirrels can do that.

If not, then he's probably dead somewhere in our vent system.

Won't know if that's the case until we can smell it. :barf:

pax
January 15, 2006, 11:17 PM
And the question it's finally been almost long enough to ask: Did the wife ever forgive you?

pax

Monkeyleg
January 15, 2006, 11:44 PM
Pax, there's no question about forgiveness. My place in my wife's order of the universe is as follows: Zach, the dog; wild critters; and then me.

As for the latest home invasion, Buddy2 somehow managed to get back up the chimney and out of the house.

We still have a bunch of crackers with peanut butter in the live trap, though. All THR members are welcome over for snacks. :neener:

Tell the truth, I was really looking forward to seeing how those .357 shotshells worked.

drinks
January 16, 2006, 12:12 AM
This eastern woodrat was engaged in boring holes in the floor joist, I bought a live trap, put PB on Club crackers, raw peanuts in the shell and a slice of medium cheddar on the trip tray, next morning, the PB on crackers and raw peanuts were gone, the cheese was untouched and the vamint was in the trap.
Dispatched with my made from .357 Maximum cases shot shells, 4.5gr Universal, a small fiber wad, 100+ - gr #8 shot and a card wad glued in place with Elmer's glue.
From 15 ft, instant results and no damage to the new live trap, the reason I was 15 ft away when I fired.
Handgun was S&W 28-2.
The fellow was 9" long, with an 11" tail, covered with a short but dense fur and weighed about 12 oz.
Actually, very attractive, just in the wrong place at the wrong time
:D

Dusty Rusty
January 16, 2006, 11:49 AM
I have sprayed the screen with coffee coming through my nose! I laughed so hard my dog started barking--he thought I had come unglued. You really should send that story in to different magazines--it's a keeper! Thanks for starting my week off with a good laugh! :D

beaucoup ammo
January 16, 2006, 01:24 PM
If you don'y send that into American Handgunner or another magazine worthy of your talent..you're nuttier than Buddy (was)!

That, Sir, is excellent writing! My daughter was at Little Brown for many years and agrees with me: getting that published is a sure thing.

Thanks for the yuks in that most entertaining piece!

Your Fan,

B.A.

Uncle Buck
January 16, 2006, 02:01 PM
Thank you Monkeyleg. I laughed so hard I had to share it with another and they too were laughing so hard they were crying. A very funny story for a gloomy, rainy Monday morning.

Dr.Rob
January 16, 2006, 03:05 PM
Yeah... .22 short or a CB cap next time... makes a lot less mess anddoesn't wake the neighbors.

Of cousre you THOUGHT you were answering an intruder alert call.

That was still funny the second time around.

TheFork
January 16, 2006, 07:27 PM
You are a gifted writer, and that was hilarious.

1stduc
January 17, 2006, 11:37 AM
cryin MAOL aka ROFLMAO excelent read thanks you just made my week

CrazyIrishman
January 17, 2006, 12:51 PM
OMG!.....

Monkeyleg,

Thats the funniest thing I have ever read BAR NONE! PERIOD! I don't know what was the funniest "scene" but suffice to say I had/have a visual of the whole thang!! (now its stuck in a loop)

I'm only able to write this after: 1)regaining my composure, 2)wiping tears from eyes(& keyboard), and number 3.......clearing nose from an ORANGE JUICE attack! The OJ musta been "Ocean SPRAY" LOL!

And to think I was enjoyin' a Mickey D's steak n' bagel breakfast when I happened upon yer story! It was only by sheer luck that I managed to choke down a bite of bagel before I lost control of my faculties and started laughin' like I lost my mind!


Ya oughta send it in to Field & SCREAM magazine!


Thanx,

CI

Inverness11
July 18, 2006, 08:14 AM
I know this is an olllllld thread, but I read this after googling SHTF and I laughed my ass off! I thought it deserved a bump. :rolleyes:

artjs
July 18, 2006, 08:35 AM
Dick

You ARE telling this story tonight at the banquet aren't you???? :evil:

I don't think Massod could even top this one :neener:

See you tonight!!

entropy
July 18, 2006, 09:21 AM
Don't know how I missed that one over the years, ROFLMAO!:evil: Reminds me of a freind shooting a squirrel from 5 feet with a 12ga. and asking in all innocence (his first time hunting) "Where'd it go?" :p

mp510
July 18, 2006, 10:31 AM
Interesting story, but I believe you used just a tad too much force on the squirrel given your situation.

Strings
July 20, 2006, 01:30 AM
Dicvk didn't tell Mas this story: I did, though! Even told Mas he should ask Dick what caliber is best for squirrel... :evil:

Mas, unfortunately, CAN top this one, but I'll let him tell it (not REALLY his story, but funny all the same)...

Lupinus
July 20, 2006, 01:53 AM
never had a squirrle in the house. Have had a few mice walk right past the lazy cats who just kinda looked at the mouse, debated for a seconed, and then decided not to bother and went back to sleep.....I swear I looked at them for five minutes strait.

I have however, had a bat loose in my house ;)

lionking
July 20, 2006, 02:21 AM
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks man that really cheered me up...bahaha!!!!!:p


ps,Ive had racoons,peacocks and ducks in the house(live on a canal,left the door open for the dog))

never scare a duck in your house,it will fly around and (bomb) everything....lol!

Strings
July 20, 2006, 02:28 AM
Lupinus: the ones flying around your belfry don't count! :neener:

Lupinus
July 20, 2006, 02:33 AM
actually it was flying around my bedroom. it was captured and "disposed" of :neener:

nelson133
July 20, 2006, 03:27 PM
Once shot a rat with .22 birdshot under the kitchen table in a rented house, one shot effective. Guy I used to work with shot a rat off of the kitchen stove with a .410, the stove was a casualty.
I have since discovered Jack Russel Terriers, they kill everything, you just can't be sure what shape the house will be in afterward. One just about destroyed the basment when a couple of chipmunks got in, but she got the chipmunks.
i live on the water and people have asked me if there are any snakes on my place and what kind they are. Yes there are snakes here, but when I see them, there isn't enough left to tell what species they were.
I have big oaks in the back yard that attract squirrels and one Jack Russell would lie just inside the dog door and suddenly come dashing out. Every now and then she'd get a squirrel that had mistakenly decided the coast was clear.
I had a friend that lived in a Michigan city that prided itself on it's black squirrel population. He hated them and I got him some .22 cb caps. He slaughtered many any only felt bad once when one made it to the front door on the neighbor who used to feed them and died there. Actually I think he was just afraid that the neighbor would take it to the vet and the bulet hole would be found.

Berek
July 20, 2006, 04:33 PM
That was great. You ought to submit that to some of the magazines, how could they not publish that? Now, where's the windex, gotta clean off the 'puter screen from where I sprayed my coffee laughing so hard...

Pat McManus makes boucoup bucks doing that very thing for outdoor life. My question: Why didn't you turn up the furnace and roast the little Squirrel McNugget? :D

Berek
July 20, 2006, 04:46 PM
I guess I gotta post this fond memory of childhood.

When I was about 7 years old, we all went up to Maine and stayed at my grandma's place which was an old colonial style with a fireplace in just about every room.

Now, my mom is an avid reader and was reading Alien (prolly the last horror-ish book she ever read) and it was very late, like 1:00 am-ish. Most of the house was asleep, including my dad right beside her.

As she reached the part in the book where the alien was making scratching noises in the corridor, she heard a scratching noise from the fireplace. At first, she dismissed it as her mind playing tricks, but then she heard it a second time. After the third time, she decided to wake up my dad.

Armed with nothing but a flashlight and his tighty-whities, he examined the fireplace. Finding nothing, he turned to tell her to go to bed. As he did there was a weird growling noise now accompanying the scratching, growing to a cachaphonous cresendo. Out of no where, the alien dropped from the flu, causing my mom to shriek for a record breaking 20 minutes, my dad to expell "stuff" and the whole house to wake up.

After 30 minutes, Rusty (my grandpa's dalmation) cornered the bandit-looking alien and engaged in a fight to the death. The "alien" (now identified as a raccoon) broke loose from the "fight to the finish" and lept onto the bed, tore across my mom's lap and right into the waiting path of my uncle's 10-guage loaded with rock salt. (Did you know that makes a serious mess out of a hardwood floor???)

I was told that the bed was thrown out due to the acid that the alien had lost as he attempted his escape over the mattress, but we all know what the yellowish liquid that burrowed into the fabric really was.

MovieDemocom
September 6, 2006, 10:42 AM
First, sorry to those of you that might be offended by the ‘shameless plugging of a website’ – that is the whole idea behind me creating this movies and I can’t separate the too at this point.

However, I do not post in forums like this (posting ads) because I feel it crosses a line – BUT a buddy sent me Moneyleg’s wonderful SHTF story after I sent him my latest movie. I was so excited to read Moneyleg’s tale that I wanted to point you to a similar story I made into a movie.

http://www.moviedemo.com/mdd/link/Singeer-the-Movie-on-youtubecom/

I think Moneyleg’s SHFT would have much better action scene. :eek:

jac714
September 6, 2006, 12:23 PM
I think a .45 is a little much gun for squirrels indoors, not that they don't deserve to be spread around the room but it makes a mess you have to cleamn up. :uhoh:

Other than that one of the funniest stories I have read in a while.

Monkeyleg
September 6, 2006, 05:31 PM
MovieDemocom, I can't get the movie to play. What plug-in do I need?

Texas9
September 6, 2006, 05:42 PM
Looks like you've got some competition in the humorous post department. Like the kind that makes everyone in my office look at me like I'm on some sort of upper from laughing too loud.... oops.:o

Nice post, 'leg.:D

MovieDemocom
September 7, 2006, 11:07 AM
HI Monkeyleg,

I have it on a bunch of sites - Here is a list - perhaps/hopefully one will work.

youTube as best resolution. It is a 50MB file - so you really need broadband.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS8D5QR5rYc

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2764525284087239117

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1119067002

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=413b4450d60ed28202d9e9b638704a53.798514

you can also download it at:
http://www.tradebit.com/filedetail.php/825320
Just right click on one of the mirrors and SAVE AS:

Let me know what you think;)
again 'no shot fired in my video'... I did kill a computer/server thou:
Death of a Server (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpKCh-uUML4) ;)

If you enjoyed reading about "SHTF=Squirrel Hiding in The Furnace?" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!