Alein Invasion THR style


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Dr.Rob
February 24, 2003, 06:47 PM
(in response to the "Signs" thread)

Beldar, let's go invade the bright blue green planet third from the star they cal Sol.

No, Borheen, there would be a rifle behind every blade of grass! Not to mention nuclear weapons.

But Beldar, there are countries besides America where they don't have so many rifles. And they wouldn't kill themselves to nuke us.

What? you mean like England? Look borheen those socialists rip each other to pieces off a line call in Soccer! And are you kidding? They poison their own natural resources and fellow men in the name of greed and "progress"

What about Africa?

Borheen we may have death rays, rocketships and mind control powers, but the Africans have dengue fever, black water fever, red fever, rubella, malaria, marburg virus and ebola, not to mention the common cold. Oh, and every six weeks or so the central governments fail and people chop each other up with machetes and resort to cannibalism.

There is always China..

No Borheen the Dim Sum is far too rough on our delicate gastronomy. And the Chinese have a way of making their culture overtake the culture of their conquerers. Within weeks we'd be making low cost DVD's and electronics for the European markets.

Well Beldar, our world is dying what do you suggest?

Leave them alone there are far too uncivilzed to be enslaved easily!

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Version 2:

Hey bubba you see that funny light?

Yep.

Hey bubba its coming over here .

(Psssssshhhhhh escaping from can of PBR) Yep.

Hey bubba look them little grey fellas is in our crops!

(Cha-chunk as the slide of the 870 closes) Yep.

Hey bubba we should call the sheriff!

(Boom!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!)(Reloads) (Psssssssshhhhh opens another PBR) Why?

Well to tell the Army or something.

Hmmmmmm.

We should tell somebody.

Why?

Well, we should at least see if we can take that there spaceship for a ride down to the quickie mart fer more beer!

Hmmmm. I reckon we could.

(end with seen of Ed and Bubba buying PBR at Quickie mart)
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Dr.Rob
February 24, 2003, 06:59 PM
version 3

Mr. President the Russians say that's NOT one of theirs.

OK lets go to purple alert.

Purple alert?

That's right man I said purple alert!

They haven't shown hostile intent yet sir!

Dammit man do you want to be enslaved and bootliclking to a green eyed slime moster from venus or are you a God fearing American? Go to purple alert!

Cut to CNN:

This just in, the US Government has just issued a purple alert. All schools in rural areas are closed until this alert is concluded. Remember : a purple alert allows each hunter to bag alien visitors from another world with NO LIMIT. We understand that gun shops and walmarts are running low on ammunition during this new hunting season so the US Government has advertised that local amouries shall issue 308 and 223 caliber ammunition to anyone having a rifle in that caliber for the duration of the purple alert.

Back to The Presidential Bunker:

Are you sure this was the right decision sir?

Thorndyke, let me tell you something. This is America and if there is one thing the world fears it's an aggressive, ruthless America. The only thing an agressive America fears is a drunk *** red-neck hunter with beer breath and a shotgun. We just called out the militia.

But sir, the ramnifications...

(sound of PBR being opened...) Son these aliens just opened a can of whoop ***. Now get me General Raimey on the phone about our strategic redneck forces"

You don't mean..

Yep I want Slim Pickins suited up and ready for duty!

El Tejon
February 24, 2003, 07:48 PM
Version 4:

"Quick, fellow THRer, just don't sit there! Post a poll on what caliber is best to repel alien invaders from Mars!"

"12 gauge"

".308"

".223"

".416 Rigby"

"Get a Glock!"

"How do we know the aliens are hostile?"

"Just keep shooting, you igit."

"We'll kill more of them in Tejas."

"I can shoot 3 out of 5 of the aliens' eyes out with my 6mm PPC at 700 yards."

"Is it more tactically correct to shoot the alien commanders or the alien forward observers? This wasn't covered in class."

"What about alien bears?"

Skunkabilly
February 24, 2003, 08:43 PM
El Tejon, don't forget the cigarettes and .22LR bricks for barter pieces :D

El Tejon
February 24, 2003, 09:03 PM
Skunk, you've been sneaking out and reading Uncle Mel again!:)

Hey, Doc, what about the gun nuts amongst us who don't drink PBR. We want to do our planetary duty but prefer Kingfisher and chicken makhani or Kirin and unagi and a Cali roll!:D

Skunkabilly
February 24, 2003, 09:48 PM
Who's Uncle Mel? Soju's better :D

Jim March
February 24, 2003, 10:17 PM
Scientist to Dubya: "Sir, it seems the alien invaders are highly vulnerable to atmospheric methane!"

Dubya: "QUICK! ORDER EVERYBODY TO THE NEAREST TACO BELL, PRONTO!"

ahadams
February 25, 2003, 12:46 AM
okay so the methane is one of the issues - for those of us of German heritage is saurkraut sufficient or do we have to share with our Norski neighbors and trade for lutefisk?

Note to Skunkabilly: soju's for wimps - you haven't been hung over 'till you've woken up after a night of mokli and winter kimchi!:D

uh, truth in advertising requires that I admit I was half my current age when I did that, and I'm not enough of a :cuss: fool to do THAT again!:rolleyes:

Skunkabilly
February 25, 2003, 01:08 AM
Good thing these aliens have blue helmets so they contrast with that red donut/chevron :D

El Tejon
February 25, 2003, 07:34 AM
Mel Tappan, gun writer of the '70s, PhD from Stanford, and the "reasoned voice" of the survival movement which the Carter Administration created. Author of El Tejon's first gun book purchased at age 12 at gun show.

FPrice
February 25, 2003, 08:05 AM
of the time when I have as much time on my hands with nothing to do as some of you folks obviously have!

:D

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