Stupidest Criminal...


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matt81
December 5, 2004, 06:26 PM
Nothing is funnier than a stupid criminal, right?

There was a case where a burglar fell asleep on the bed, in the house, with the couple whose house he was robbing. It sounds crazy, but it's a true story. The folks at The Smoking Gun are having a funny award for this year's "Stupidest Criminal", so I thought to start a thread here to see if there were any good stories out there that we can submit to their editors (long-shot but hey, you never know!!) In case you want to check it out the show (it's called The Smoking Gun Year End Special), it's going to air next Thursday night, I believe at 10pm. These guys can be pretty hilarious so it's worth taping in case you aren't going to be home.

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SiG Lady
December 5, 2004, 06:43 PM
The Lane County Sheriff's Office is fond of calling this case the "dumb-and-dumber" case... Two guys of questionable intelligence broke into a guy's home, brutalized him, tied him to a chair (not necessarily in that order) and then realized they were in trouble because cops were driving up the road. (The brutalized guy's daughter was in a closet on her cell calling the Sheriff...)

So in order to create a story that THEY had been brutalized FIRST (by the victim), the two jerks beat EACH OTHER up to fake wounds from an 'assault'. My contact informed me that these guys were a VERY sorry sight by the time the depiddies dragged their sorry asses back to the jail--and the cops could hardly keep a straight face during interrogation. :D

mussi
December 5, 2004, 06:50 PM
And there are still the uncounted occasions of people that should never have bread and whose offspring goes robbing a gunstore, or burglarizing a home where the owner is known (or at least very, very likely) to be armed.

El Tejon
December 5, 2004, 06:59 PM
"Should never had bread"??? :confused: Is that the Atkins philosophy mixed in with genetics? :D

Two from my LEO daze:

1. Doper driving down I-65, hears car make funny noise. So, of course, he pulls into Indiana State Police Post in Battle Ground and has trooper check car out. Trooper spies dug out covering VIN number on dashboard of vehicle.

"Is this yours?" "Yeah, man, but what's up with my car?"

There is a reason they call it dope. :D

2. Two mopes tossing a drug store for Xanies and Paxies. In tossing the place they ignore a half kilo of pharm grad cocaine and just scoop up pills. :eek:

nhhillbilly
December 5, 2004, 07:11 PM
When I first became a police officer. I was at the station typing reports. Two young rocket scientists come to the door wanting a ride home. I tell them ok but they have to empty their pockets so I could search them for weapons before allowing them in my cruiser. They proceeded to empty their pockets of checks and items they from a house they had just burglarized. They were given a ride all right to the county jail.

Preacherman
December 5, 2004, 07:24 PM
Breaking news - from WFTV (http://www.wftv.com/news/3971517/detail.html) via the Drudge Report:

Police: Dealers Report Stolen Marijuana To Authorities

POSTED: 10:45 am EST December 4, 2004
UPDATED: 10:58 am EST December 5, 2004

CALLAWAY, Fla. -- Help, police, someone stole my pot!

A Panhandle couple is under arrest after notifying police Thursday that their quarter-pound stash of marijuana was stolen and that they needed the weed back, because they were going to later sell it.

"They're America's dumbest criminals," said Lt. Ricky Ramie, head of the Bay County Sheriff's Office narcotics task force.

Deputies arrested 18-year-old John Douglas Sheetz and 17-year-old Misty Ann Holmes and charged the duo with possession of marijuana with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia.

According to the police report, the couple returned to the home they share and found the home broken into and a quarter-pound of marijuana missing. They immediately called authorities to report the break-in and theft.

Police said the couple told them they were going to resell the marijuana and allowed the detectives to search the apartment. Investigators discovered several marijuana stems among other drug paraphernalia during the search, The News Herald in Panama City reported for Saturday editions.

They were taken to the Bay County Jail and are each being held on $17,500 bond.

ravinraven
December 5, 2004, 07:42 PM
A friend of a friend of mine is a fairly successful artist. This event took place about thirty years age. The artist leaves his home for months at a time to go to shows, etc. At the time he had a cheap eight-track stereo system. On his wall he had an original Monet worth many thousands of bucks.

My friend is checking the place out one day and notices that it has been broken into. The wizards who did that job took the eight-track stereo and left the Monet on the wall.

rr

SiG Lady
December 5, 2004, 07:49 PM
Similar thing happened to me and the ex on one occasion... came home to the quiet aftermath of an obvious break-in. No major damage, but noticed they'd taken 11 one-dollar bills out of a closed jar I kept such things in, AND my cheap-o, dorky hair-dryer. OK, so they were kinky or something and liked pink hair-dryers I guess, but they left the CAMERAS behind that were just sitting right there on the bed! Along with the jewelry, the stereo and other valuables. All intact. Wha'...??
Dumb and getting dumber, folks. :confused:

White Horseradish
December 5, 2004, 09:20 PM
Have I got stuff for you...

Last week, someone got into my parents' basement because someone forgot to lock the door. They turned everythig upside down, ignored luggage and power tools and stole 2 souvenir t-shirts my mom got in Florida last year.

Last month someone broke into my van and pulled the radio out of the dash. They left it on the seat.

Last year my 14-year old van got stolen. It had coffee stains inside and rust outside. It was recovered 3 weeks later minus the coffee-stained upholstery.

The year before that someone broke into my other old van, turned everything upside down, did not take anything, but left me a worn-out loafer.

SiG Lady
December 5, 2004, 09:26 PM
There's just no understanding some humans...... :rolleyes:

Hypnogator
December 5, 2004, 09:36 PM
A long time ago, in a country far far away.......

I worked on a rape case where a female soldier was attacked in her barracks room. As he fled, the rapist left a Christmas card behind. In an envelope with his name and address on it. :D

On another similar occasion, the idiot rapist actually left his ID card at the scene. :D :D :D

The most hilarious case I ever heard of, though, was the Great Kornwestheim Cow-F---er Caper. It seems a farmer near Ludendorff Kaserne in Kornwestheim, Germany complained to the Poleizi that someone had been, er, intimate with his cows. A distinctive trail led from his barn to the back fence of Ludendorff Kaserne, so naturally, the Poleizi were happy to turn it over to the US Army CID. Being too busy to surveil the path, our intrepid agents dusted ol' Bossy's rear with thief powder (Gensen Violet). Well, the next day, the farmer again found ol' Bossy with a bucket behind her and a contented look on her face, so he informed us that the miscreant had been at it again! We contacted the unit commanders at Ludendorff and held a noontime formation, at which we had all personnel drop trou. (This was '73 -- we could do stuff like that back then). Sure enough, one of the young soldiers was blue from his belly button to his knees! :what: When we approached him, he said, "I have no idea how this got there." to which our intrepid agent replied, "We do, son. We do." :evil: :evil: :evil:

SiG Lady
December 5, 2004, 10:14 PM
God, that's hilarious!!

JohnBT
December 5, 2004, 11:06 PM
Richmond police arrested a street corner dealer a few years ago. They got on to him because he was handing out business cards with his home phone number on them.

More years back down around Petersburg a kid doing a deal ran from the police, but they caught him in the woods. See, it was after dark and he was wearing those sneaks with the flashing lights in the heels.

John

ravinraven
December 5, 2004, 11:16 PM
About 15 or more years ago, a friend of mine was getting her son ready to go back to college. She's helping him pack his stuff.

Their conversation went something like this:

mom: "Where's your razor?"
son: "Somebody ripped it off."
m: "Where's your calculator?"
s: "Somebody ripped it off."
m: "Where's your clock radio?"
s: "Somebody ripped it off."
m: "These are great tapes, son. Where did you get them?"
s: "I ripped them off."

I guess the idea is to come out at least even in the rip off game.

rr

PMDW
December 5, 2004, 11:28 PM
More years back down around Petersburg a kid doing a deal ran from the police, but they caught him in the woods. See, it was after dark and he was wearing those sneaks with the flashing lights in the heels.

Something similar happened when I lived in Louisiana, only it was a bank robber.

jke456
December 6, 2004, 01:45 AM
Preacherman Breaking news - from WFTV (http://www.wftv.com/news/3971517/detail.html) via the Drudge Report:

Police: Dealers Report Stolen Marijuana To Authorities

POSTED: 10:45 am EST December 4, 2004
UPDATED: 10:58 am EST December 5, 2004

CALLAWAY, Fla. -- Help, police, someone stole my pot!

A Panhandle couple is under arrest after notifying police Thursday that their quarter-pound stash of marijuana was stolen and that they needed the weed back, because they were going to later sell it.

"They're America's dumbest criminals," said Lt. Ricky Ramie, head of the Bay County Sheriff's Office narcotics task force.

Deputies arrested 18-year-old John Douglas Sheetz and 17-year-old Misty Ann Holmes and charged the duo with possession of marijuana with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia.

According to the police report, the couple returned to the home they share and found the home broken into and a quarter-pound of marijuana missing. They immediately called authorities to report the break-in and theft.

Police said the couple told them they were going to resell the marijuana and allowed the detectives to search the apartment. Investigators discovered several marijuana stems among other drug paraphernalia during the search, The News Herald in Panama City reported for Saturday editions.

They were taken to the Bay County Jail and are each being held on $17,500 bond.
Today 12:11 AM




just curious how they could charge them with possession with intent to deliver as the had just a few stems actually in there possession??????????? :confused:

jon

SMMAssociates
December 6, 2004, 02:12 AM
Well....

An apartment complex my Guard Service had responsibility for was having wheels and tires vanish off cars in the parking lot. We'd find concrete blocks where they used to be. I used to take a ride through the lot "off duty" just for the heck of it on nights that I was bored and not on duty.

I spotted a nice looking red Mustang doing pretty much the same thing as I was.... Which was kind of funny 'cause nobody in our group had a Mustang.

Eased out of the property and drove to another parking lot where I could keep an eye on things a bit, and grabbed for the radio. That's when I noticed that the Mustang was now in the parking lot of a building under construction, with a Township PD car....

The PD guys and I had a good laugh when I told 'em where those kids were going with the concrete blocks they'd just put in the back seat of the Mustang....

Oh yeah.... The car belonged to the driver's older sister. She was not amused.... :eek:

(Mustangs were brand new at the time. I probably wouldn't have noticed an old Chevy.)

Or, there was this guy that a Township PD guy and I caught in one of "my" apartment buildings. One of the tenants noticed him. We caught him with a wire coat hanger tucked under his shirt. Never would have attracted any attention if he'd stayed outside and boosted whatever he wanted, but apparently he decided to come inside to stay warm. Whoops.... :D

There's a "Darwin Awards" site out there someplace that lists a ton of these.

Art Eatman
December 6, 2004, 08:50 AM
jke456, isn't an admission of having had possession of an illegal substance good enough?

I still like the story of the bank robber who handed the "gimme the money" note to a teller. Trouble was, he'd written it on his own deposit slip...

Art

SiG Lady
December 6, 2004, 09:59 AM
The robbery-note-on-the-deposit-slip is a classic.
Might as well write your threat right on the back of your business card! :rolleyes:

Hkmp5sd
December 6, 2004, 11:06 AM
I like the guy that happened to choose a government payday to rob a bank. He also happened to choose a bank across the street from a federal office building. Apparently, he didn't notice the large number of well dressed folks standing in line all through the bank. He was wise enough to not want to see how well the FBI teaches their agents to shoot.

thumbody
December 6, 2004, 11:33 AM
I have also heard of a couple incidences of people taking cocaine to the police station for testing to make sure their dealer was selling the real stuff.

DRZinn
December 6, 2004, 12:17 PM
I guess the idea is to come out at least even in the rip off game.

Reminds me of the old USMC saying:

There's only one thief in the Marine Corps - everybody else is just tryin' to get their s--- back!"

big poppa
December 6, 2004, 12:28 PM
we had a guy in our town that was a burnt out "crank" head,he became so paranoid about being busted that he went to the sherrifs office telling them " well im here to turn myself in" they asked him, what is he talking about? they dont have anything out for him.to which he reply,s "well i figured you were going to catch me sooner or later ,so i decided to turn myself in, and get it over with." they tell him "we dont have anything on you!" so brainiac says well i cant stand it any longer, and TELLS the cops where his drugs are hidden in his house! they go to his house sure enough they find his drugs ,he gets popped and got his wish! :D

Series 70
December 6, 2004, 02:06 PM
I know the generic gunstore robbery was mentioned, but there was a specific case in WI a couple years ago. Unifomed cop talking with an employee at the counter and in walks a genius who pulls out a... knife. That one cracked me up.

foghornl
December 6, 2004, 02:52 PM
This, too is a farily old one...from around 1986 or so....

Liquor store (state store, package store, etc) has had several smash-n-grabs...some guy heaves a cinder block through the front window, grabs several bottles of booze through broken window, and takes off. Store owner, getting tired of this sport, has front window replaced with plexi-glas, instead of the regular glass-type glass. Also has a news crew there, recoring said replacement while interviewing owner about the shatter-resistant properties of said plexi...and demonstrating same by throwing several cinder blocks at the new plexi window. Owner also has vid-cam/recorders set up to watch the window. That night, police drive by, and find a guy out cold on sidewalk, complete with large profusely bleeding gash in forehead, and cinder block close by. Police review the security camera recordings, and the news reporters tape. Guy out cold on sidewalk was also seen in the news tape, standing by while the shatter-resistant plexi was demonstrated. :D

Firethorn
December 6, 2004, 02:57 PM
I have a wild theory. These guys have heard/experienced how cushy jail/prison is (relativly speaking), and have decided that they want free shelter and three hots for a few years...

Atticus
December 6, 2004, 03:49 PM
It's almost Christmas. At least a few thieves will get stuck in chimneys this month. It never fails to happen.

jnojr
December 6, 2004, 07:59 PM
just curious how they could charge them with possession with intent to deliver as the had just a few stems actually in there possession

Because they admitted it, in a non-coerced statement. With no grounds to chuck the admission, their statement is pretty good evidence all by itself.

I've heard frequently that an awful lot of criminals hang themselves by talking to the police. If they'd just forget their English except for the word "attorney", a lot of these dopes would probably walk free.

David Scott
December 6, 2004, 10:31 PM
A while back, down near Tampa, there was a kid who ripped a purse off a woman's arm. As a Certified Stupid Criminal (tm), he of course had an escape plan. He jumped into a car that was stopped at a light and said, "Get me out of here, man!" to the nice police officer behind the wheel.

Doug Add
December 7, 2004, 09:40 AM
I heard this one on the radio a few years ago. Young fellow decides to rob the local convenience store, but in an attempt to look like a customer he grabs a six pack. Placing the beer on the counter, he tells the clerk this is a robbery.

She responds, "I can give you the cash in the drawer, but to let you have that beer I need to see some ID." The genius shows it to her.

Suprise, surprise, the police show up at his door shortly thereafter!

shooterIII
December 8, 2004, 10:43 PM
Just happened today.

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - A naked man was bit in the genitals by a police dog while being arrested for running nude and entering homes in a Minneapolis neighborhood.

The man was taken to the hospital for treatment of his injuries.

According to police reports, a police canine unit found the nude suspect shortly after noon Tuesday in a house on the 5400 block of Park Avenue South.

While the officer was ordering the suspect out of the house, the suspect began hitting him, police said.

The dog, which was still leashed, bit the suspect to protect the officer.

Officer Ron Reier, a department spokesman, said police dogs are trained to bite if their partner is attacked. However, dogs are not trained to bite in the groin area. Reier said the dog likely just jumped and bit the man, who was moving around at the time.

"The dog did what the dog is trained to do, and that is protect his handler," Reier said.

After the man was bit, he continued to attack officers and police used a stun gun before eventually restraining him, police said.

The dog was removed from street duty while the incident is being reviewed, and the suspect is in police custody, Reier said.

Clean97GTI
December 9, 2004, 12:16 AM
Great stories!

One night, a thief decided to break in to an elderly mans home. The thief was busy searching the house when the old man surprised him. Well, the thief got away with his loot. The loot included an M1911 from WWII as well as ammo of the same vintage.

Later on the crook decided to try and rob a liquor store. He goes in with gun brandished and demands money. For some reason, the thief pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. The bad guy turns the gun and looks down the barrell...right before the primer finished its burn and lit the powder.

Police checked the serial number and returned the gun, minus the 50 year old ammo, to its rightful owner.

I believe this one eventually won a Darwin award.

DRZinn
December 9, 2004, 12:20 AM
Now that one is beautiful!

SMMAssociates
December 9, 2004, 12:46 AM
Later on the crook decided to try and rob a liquor store. He goes in with gun brandished and demands money. For some reason, the thief pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. The bad guy turns the gun and looks down the barrell...right before the primer finished its burn and lit the powder. For those of you who wondered why they taught you to count to ten or whatever when the gun doesn't go bang....

Just happened to think.... The Roman Army was so big that if an AD was possible with a gladius, we probably wouldn't be here.... :eek:

OK, another story.... Not quite Darwin, but.... And it happened long enough ago that everybody involved is deceased, moved away, or in the Witness Protection Program. (Or me, but I'm just the scribe....)

A City PD kid was sitting at the base of a fairly steep hill near end-of-watch one night and observes an ancient Oldsmobile putting up the hill at about 5mph with very loud mufflers. Being in a good mood (well, not wanting to write a citation so close to quitting time), the Officer ignored the old car.

Several days later, same time, same Officer, same car. "What the heck, it's too late...."

About a week later, same thing.... This time the kid decides that the driver has definitely ignored the noise, and probably needs a little pep talk. Off he goes with the pretty blinky lights on.... Ever see a 5mph chase? "Dispatch - I'm stopping him at 5th and Main. Make that Sixth and Main. Make that Seventh...."

Eventually the car stops and the Officer walks up to the door. The driver is kind of fumbling around, so my friend opens the door. The driver then falls out onto the street, drunk as a Lord.... "Let me see your license, please?" "Can't, Officer. The Judge took it off me for drunk driving months ago...."

Thirty-five years ago you could tell this story without a half-dozen lawyers showing up in your office the next morning. The liability issues today are frightening. Then, however, it was hilarious.

Art Eatman
December 9, 2004, 08:52 AM
Short version:

A Little Old Lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Cop: I need to see your driver's license and vehicle registration, please.

LOL: I lost my driver's license four years ago for drunk driving, and I stole this car. I murdered the driver and he's all chopped up, in the trunk.

The cop backs away from her, and calls for backup. Several cruisers arrive, and a supervisor questions further:

Supe: Ma'am, the officer said you don't have a driver's license or vehicle registration.

LOL: Oh, no; here they are.

Supe: Uh, could you open your trunk, please?

LOL: Sure! (She does, and it's as pristine as the day it left the showroom.)

Supe: Ma'am, the officer said you'd lost your license for drunk driving; that you'd stolen this car, and you'd murdered the owner and cut him up and had him in the trunk.

LOL: I'll bet that liar said I was speeding, too.

-- 30 --

Hey, it's only my second cuppa coffee...

:), Art

HankB
December 9, 2004, 09:30 AM
Two favorite dumb crook stories.

Story #1:

Guy decides to rob a grocery store - pulls a gun on a cashier. But in fumbling around with the money and the gun (he only has two hands) the gun discharges. This scares the BG and he runs out.

Police show up, and during the investigation, they ask the cashier whether or not the BG touched anything - they want to dust for prints. Cashier says no, he didn't touch anything . . . but they might want to look under the counter. Seems when the BG's gun discharged, he shot his own finger off. Cops picked up and printed finger, used the prints to track down bad guy with bandaged hand.

Story #2

Back in the days of the 1st Arab oil embargo, it was common for thieves to siphon gas out of cars. Well, our Einstein decided that motor homes and such had bigger gas tanks, so they were a better target. So he takes his gas can and a length of hose to a trailer park. He doesn't have a proper siphon, so he puts one end of the hose in the gas tank, puts his mouth on the other end, and sucks.

Now, inhaling gasoline is not healthy, but when you mistake the motor home's sanitary holding tank for the fuel tank, that's REALLY nasty. :neener:

Bushwhacker
December 9, 2004, 09:56 AM
A long time ago.......
While sitting in a strip mall in my marked patrol unit without bar lights on top, I was talking to 2 detectives we observe a guy riding around on a bike checking all the cars and storefronts out, he rode by us twice we were parked driver door to driver door next to each other...
The guy then goes up to the little booth out in the middle of the parking lot where you could drop your film off and get it developed, he then throws a brick at the window, window didn't break so he throws it again and it bounces back hitting him, he screamed, picks up the brick looks around again then huals off and throws brick for the 3rd time smashing window. We let him get inside before deciding to present him with his sign <<STUPID>> Asked him if he saw us NO! where were you? oh about 100 feet away under that light pole! :what: :eek:

SMMAssociates
December 9, 2004, 10:34 AM
Bushwacker:

Here's a "Stupid Neighbors" story....

Same sort of door-to-door meeting. I'm driving a wannabemobile (rent-a-cop) with at least two extra antennas and a spotlight on the window frame. Other car's a fully marked (little bitty Fireball roof light in those days) City PD unit - black & white, big decals on the side, and a large "2" on the rear deck.

We're sitting in an abandoned gas station, well off the road discussing something or other. City radio comes alive: "Car Number 2; Signal 5 (investigate a car and occupants) at First & Main - suspicious activity....."

"Err.... Radio.... That's us...."

"oh...."

One of my buddies with the City complained when they went from the little Fireballs to big twin-sealed-beam lights because he used to be able to skulk around with the black & whites, but this was a real good "under the streetlight" meeting. Not "white way" lighting, but the City car was kind of unmistakeable.

'Round that time, I followed a car into PA from OH. Just driving to New Castle with no LE interest one night. In OH you normally don't use an unmarked car for traffic. It's not quite illegal, but iffy. In PA, it's normal. This guy must have noticed my spotlight 'cause it was ten under the whole way, and no safe place to pass. I thought about lighting up, but with my luck OSP or PSP would have been sitting there wondering why.

One trend I've noticed, though. The Crown Vics used locally have a very low profile, and when combined with those newer low-profile light racks, are hard to see when not lit up. Naturally, the local City and Township PD decided that white cars were in order to improve visibility.... At least I can see them, but....

Archangel
December 9, 2004, 03:07 PM
I posted this one before. I ordered a pizza one night, and when the driver showed up, some braniac decided to rob him at gunpoint. Before he delivered the pizza and got the cash. A scuffle ensues. The pizza guy ends up with the would-be robber's gun. And coat.


Another time my soft top Isuzu Amigo was, er, broken into, I suppose. See, the soft top was ripped off (and I do mean ripped - many of the grommets that attach it to the car were still attached to the car). However, the several hundred dollars worth of computer parts sitting in the back seat, along with my toolkit, were left alone. But the theives did make off with the rather unweildy (and ruined) soft top.


And this one, from a tour of the FBI headquarters in DC. A guy robs a bank, stuffs the bags of money down the front of his pants, and makes his escape. He made it about 50' from the building before the dye marker (read: incindiary smoke grenade) in the money bag went off. 2nd degree burns to the groinal region. Not to mention a lot of purple dye. :eek: :what: :(

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