So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight


PDA






orangeninja
December 27, 2004, 07:54 PM
As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that away nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centinial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was reading for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girlscout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incomming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunantly, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. :uhoh: But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. Thats when I noticed the girlscout shouting somthing to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duckwalked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the womans SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the girlscout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat forgeting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though, half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell window but I still had my Centenial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunantly I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I layed it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunantly my Oakly shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passanger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunantly the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a mans gun. So I immediatly threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but now hurting him.

Apparantly the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side steped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconcious. That'll teach 'em.


Edit: this story was inspired by Nightcrawler, who did one first...

If you enjoyed reading about "So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!
R.H. Lee
December 27, 2004, 07:59 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's much funnier that the 'tactical lights on rails' thread.

Thanks. :D

Checkman
December 27, 2004, 08:01 PM
:eek: :eek: :what: :D

Wow. You stud.

Amadeus
December 27, 2004, 08:01 PM
You see -- this is why I never shop at 7-11.

Shield529
December 27, 2004, 08:05 PM
These stories are really getting good. This should be put together for a Mall Ninja graphic novel.

Arc-Lite
December 27, 2004, 08:09 PM
alduro... one great Christmas story... next time I am in Texas, the beer is on me, and you sit in the back, quietly. Arc-Lite

HEiST
December 27, 2004, 08:09 PM
http://tinypic.com/zy3i1

orangeninja
December 27, 2004, 08:15 PM
*Applause*

Thank you, thank you. Really thank you so much. :p

NMshooter
December 27, 2004, 08:33 PM
Bwaaahahaha! Good stuff! :D

FPrice
December 27, 2004, 08:34 PM
"...I threw my groin into her knee."

ROFL!

Standing Wolf
December 27, 2004, 09:17 PM
...before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee.

Aw, poor Mom!

sm
December 27, 2004, 09:23 PM
"...I threw my groin into her knee."

ROFLMAO

45R
December 27, 2004, 09:32 PM
Nice story.....you have way way too much time on your hands :) Thanks for the laughs!!!

thefitzvh
December 27, 2004, 09:38 PM
This story begs the question....


what caliber for girl scouts? :evil:

P95Carry
December 27, 2004, 09:38 PM
and I threw my groin into her knee OMG - I am but the FOURTH person to have cracked up on that one! LOL :D

Alduro - wonderful entertainment and thank you - needed a good laff!! :)

Preacherman
December 27, 2004, 10:21 PM
Well, since everyone else has quoted the groin and knee bit, I'll quote this:

I then duckwalked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I hate you! You made me laugh so hard that I hurt my back again! (And I'm already waiting for surgery on it!)

:D

gotbass
December 27, 2004, 11:07 PM
My wife wants to know what I'm smiling about. I think I will just let her guess.
"Creased my weiner" :eek: :eek: :what: :uhoh: I nearly soiled myself, have watched a tazer video lately. Thanks. I think you may have missed your calling. Mike

RRTX
December 27, 2004, 11:14 PM
I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incomming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that.

For some reason I can picture you doing this :neener:

kayak bum
December 27, 2004, 11:14 PM
:d :d :d

River Wraith
December 27, 2004, 11:51 PM
Funny stuff. Almost wet myself...

frenchwrench
December 28, 2004, 12:05 AM
"I laughed so hard I spotted." :what:

orangeninja
December 28, 2004, 12:15 AM
If you guys think this one is funny... Please read "So there I was...(Part Deux)

Mall Ninja antics at my best.

orangeninja
December 28, 2004, 12:22 AM
Okay...at the risk of angering the mods, I've posted part Deux below:

So There I was...(part DEUX) Mall Ninja Uber Tactical stories

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there I was, pinning on my mall security badge. I knew that at that moment, I had reached the pinnacle of my calling, to "protect and serve" or as my company motto says, to "evade and report". I had just received my official state security commission which allowed me to be armed, the ELITE of mall security. As I holstered my Gold Inlayed Stainless Glock 21 in .45 ACP, I knew that if it got hairy out there, I would be ready. I placed my Benchmade tactical automatic knife in my pocket where I knew it would ready at a moments notice.

As I walked my beat this afternoon I received a radio dispatch of possible loitering in the food court. I quickly stepped into the Men's room and press checked my .45 Glock 21 to make sure, "just in case".

I then responded to the scene of the crime, just in time to witness at least 3 fourteen year old male suspects. I placed my hand on my gun and returned the biggest ones menacing glare. As I approached the ringleader, I noticed a movement, out of the corner of my eye. My advanced security training immediately screamed "AMBUSH". My 2 hours of class room instruction kicked in like a well oiled machine.

I whipped my ASP baton out just as I began to spin and meet the threat but the clever teenagers had strategically placed a spilled coke, so I lost my footing and landed flat on my back. I was prepared for such an attack however, and even though my baton went flying 15 feet away and the wind was knocked out of me, my survival instinct, honed to a razor edge, kicked in. I quickly rolled to my right getting to my knees and dove for cover in the water fountain. I went for my mace, but the water on my Oakley sunglasses obscured my vision. I depressed the cap and shot a burst of mace directly at myself, I have been maced before so I knew how to handle it. I ran in a circle screaming so as to confuse the opposition and then threw myself prone into a middle aged woman’s lap in a booth. I knew at that moment that she would provide a body shield for any attacks that may occur. As I ordered her to stand in front of me, I reassured her of my abilities by showing her how a professional takes a knee to the groin.

As I writhe in pain on the ground, I would appear to the untrained eye to have lost control of my bladder. But in reality, this is a clever ruse to lure the predator to the trap. I stand up in a crouched position, and ran to retrieve my ASP. I could see the older woman running away from me bravely distracting the teenagers from my movements. I then picked my ASP up and whipped it into a semi-arc and with all the vengeance I could muster, I knocked my sunglasses right at the leading perp in a display of deft ability and superior training.

My right hand struck my right thigh causing the automatic knife to open in my pocket. The stabbing pain to my groin only heightened my awareness to the dangers I now faced.

Somehow, possibly a mastery of Thai Chi, the perp managed to cause me to strike the bridge my nose with the tip of my baton. I knew at that point I had met my match and conceded defeat by losing consciousness. Touché’ to whomever you are.


Disclaimer: This story is completely fictitious; any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

sm
December 28, 2004, 12:54 AM
My 2 hours of class room instruction kicked in like a well oiled machine.

OOHs and AAHs...WOW- that means you got the GOLD Badge - huh? :D

Great story - well written , part III ??

Third_Rail
December 28, 2004, 12:56 AM
Hit him in the right hook with your eye, did you? :D

Tom Servo
December 28, 2004, 01:45 AM
These stories are really getting good. This should be put together for a Mall Ninja graphic novel.
Yeah! Written by Frank Miller (in one of his "jolly" moods) and illustrated by Dave Gibbons. I'd buy ten.

Unfortunantly, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain
Well, if you were a REAL man, that would've been a .45 shell-casing :rolleyes:

38SnubFan
December 28, 2004, 05:40 AM
Well, if you were a REAL man, that would've been a .45 shell-casing OMG STOP! STOP! STOP! MY STOMACH HURTS!!!!

I'm suprised "7-11 man" didn't try to stop the round exiting the Glock 17 with his head. (Crap! Don't tell me he was wearing a riot helmet too!)

-38SnubFan

Barbara
December 28, 2004, 08:29 AM
I could handle it though, half my ass is an implant from war wounds.

That's where I almost lost my coffee. :D

griz
December 28, 2004, 09:15 AM
Follow up? Did they charge the girl scout with 2nd degree terrorism or did she E&E the search?

Walt Rauch
December 28, 2004, 10:21 AM
You definitly have a future as a gun and knife writer-at the least!!!

thanks for the posts, I needed this today.

orangeninja
December 28, 2004, 07:34 PM
For Part 3 go to http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?p=1435292#post1435292

FPrice
December 28, 2004, 09:03 PM
"...half my ass is an implant from war wounds."

Um, what's the other half, he asked...innocently.

DRZinn
December 28, 2004, 11:08 PM
Lucky my coffee was cold....

mr hanky
December 29, 2004, 06:36 AM
between laughing, wheezing, laughing, shaking, laughing and coughing I am thinking: where does this stuff come from?

That was hilarious, thanks!

Clean97GTI
December 29, 2004, 06:51 AM
swallowing the 9mm shell casing made me spit my cigarette out onto papers in front of me :what:

Funny stuff though.

Figured I'd post a little comedy too. It isn't quite this funny, but it ain't bad.
http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=1306144

tlhelmer
December 29, 2004, 09:03 AM
Do you know the mall ninja? :neener:

orangeninja
December 30, 2004, 11:32 AM
To those of you who were not offended:


"So There I Was"...will be a 4 or 5 part story.

Part Deux is already out (Mall Security)

Part 3 (Corrections Officer) is also out

Part 4 (Police Rookie) is out sometime Sunday or so

Last installment Part 5 (Verteran Hunter) Sometime next week.

These are the brainchild of myself and another cop who have noticed patterns of speech in bull crapper stories...usually starting with somthing like "so there I was" or "so there they were". I will give you the rest of the story telling formula soon.

We have more fun telling them than you do reading them I assure you. It's good to see our sense of humor isn't alone. Thanks for the reads.

orangeninja
January 5, 2005, 11:06 PM
Final Installment

http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=119120

SkyDaver
January 6, 2005, 12:10 AM
These are the brainchild of myself and another cop who have noticed patterns of speech in bull crapper stories...usually starting with somthing like "so there I was" or "so there they were".

Way back when, in the USN, these were called TINS stories ...

This Is No S.....tuff

And you can always tell the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story.

A fairy tale starts "Once upon a time"; a sea story starts "This Is No Stuff"

:D

secamp32
January 13, 2005, 12:32 AM
"My 2 hours of class room instruction kicked in like a well oiled machine"
I'm offended by that. The class was 3 hours!

SAG0282
January 13, 2005, 02:32 AM
At which point I tactically soiled myself

Muhahahahhaaha!

Lennyjoe
January 13, 2005, 10:19 AM
Not bad.

Lawdog still rules but you guys are pretty close. ;)

orangeninja
January 13, 2005, 05:12 PM
Can you post a link to Lawdogs?

P95Carry
January 13, 2005, 05:18 PM
Alduro -- IIRC, I expect if you do a search on TFL - ''Lawdog files'' or something ... you should find them. Can't find a link right now.

MrTuffPaws
January 13, 2005, 05:26 PM
:d :d :d :d :d

crazyXgerman
January 13, 2005, 05:41 PM
alduro - go to this page - http://www.ninehundred.com/~equalccw/ - and scroll down to the green section at the bottom. it contains a collection of links to the lawdog files.

If you enjoyed reading about "So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!