2dogs
March 12, 2003, 08:40 AM
http://www.handguncontrolinc.org/oj_bell.htm
OJ interviews Professor Bellesiles
OJ: I'm speaking with former Emory University Professor Michael Bellesiles. Happy New Year, Professor! It's good of you to join us so soon after your surgery. How are you feeling?
MB: Much better. Thank you, OJ.
OJ: I understand this is the 7th time you've had this particular surgical procedure done. If you keep this up, you'll surpass Michael Jackson's record for having the most rhinoplasty surgeries ever preformed on one person.
MB: OJ, I'm certainly not out to set any records. It's just this damn thing keeps growing and growing. I just don't understand it. I get it cut down, and it's fine for awhile, then I write another book and my nose starts growing again. Maybe I've got some strange allergy to paper.
OJ: That certain would be an unusual allergy, to say the least.
Professor, how come you are leaving the ivory towers of academia?
MB: Well, after some discussions with Sarah Brady, I decided it was time to
move on and find a place where my talents would be better appreciated. I think I will be much more comfortable in the fast-paced world of business. This way I can do my important and objective research free from the narrow-minded scrutiny of my fellow academicians' so-called 'academic standards'. Their irritating requirements for independent sources and peer review are an intolerable impediment to my artistic license as a researcher. OJ, tell you what, I'm giving you something of an exclusive scoop by announcing in this interview that I'll be forming a new research company. Here's my new business card.
OJ: Wow! Yet another scoop for OJ's Corner, the column that's always on the cutting edge- …. cutting edge of journalism, that is! Anyway, let's see the business card. . . .
"Bellesile's House of Lost Archives: Historical Research; Creative Writing; Flood Insurance; Light hauling and storage"
I've got to hand it to you, Professor, you've certainly combined your areas of expertise into one big emporium. Congratulations! What's with the light hauling and storage, by the way?
MB: Diversification, OJ. After all, jobs are tough to come by these days. I want people to know that just because I'm one a' them "researchers" doesn't mean I won't move a load of fertilizer if the price is right.
OJ: I see. Now I have to ask you what inspired this move? After all, you're doing this very late in your career. Was it a desire to test your mettle in the world of free enterprise? Or was it the fact that a recent peer review of your latest works stated that they were "seriously troubled by (your) scholarly conduct" and charged that "(your) failure to clearly identify (your) sources moves into the realm of falsification". Any comments for our readers?
MB: OJ, I assure you that I was set up by NRA extremists, and that all the research I had was impeccable. I can't help it if my records and sources were all destroyed in the Chicago fire of 1906. Oops, wait, that was my last book on ancient Rome entitled, "Swordless Gladiators: Pillow-fights of the Colliseum". This batch of independent research was destroyed in a fluke flash-flood that soaked the better part of a corner of my basement at Emory University, near the wash basin. And a terrible sight it was too . . . I was wiping up potato bug carcasses for the next three days!
OJ: I see. Now let me get to the book you wrote on the prevalence of guns in the America of Colonial times. Tell me about your independent research, which your book claimed to be "the NRA's worst nightmare". Right now the only thing that seems to be 'tossing and turning' is your career. It is your contention then that the early American colonists and pioneers defeated thousands of Native Americans, the French and British armies, and hunted animals for food and clothing, all without the benefit of firearms. Is that correct? How is that possible?
MB: That's right, OJ. The facts are clear: The colonists and pioneers who founded this country barely had any guns at all. Our whole history is based on misconceptions. For example, both the Revolutionary and the French and Indian Wars were fought primarily with a combination of homophobic rhetoric and unfair housing practices. This shows that the 2nd Amendment could not have been meant to protect guns since there weren't any in Colonial America.
OJ: Interesting. Doesn't this contradict the previous anti-gun position that firearms were once needed to found this nation, but are no longer necessary in the absence of marauding Indians and the need to hunt one's own food?
MB: Well, they were right in that guns aren't necessary today, but even back then they were of little use. Animals in early America were notoriously gullible. They would trustingly wander into the cooking pots of the angry white men who lied to them. This lasted until approximately the Civil War, at which time the animals began to catch on. This was accurately portrayed in the docu-drama "Bambi". The guns that were available in Colonial America were used to unfairly shoot the unarmed Native Americans while they slept or communed with the Great Spirit. It's a little known fact that all the Native Americans were conscientious objectors.
OJ: So the early colonists were so poorly armed that they had to defeat the French and British soldiers with harsh language yet they were so well-armed that they shot the poor Indians to pieces.
MB: OJ, we shouldn't use derogatory terms such as 'Indians'. They should only be referred to as "Native Americans." And yes, OJ, that's essentially what I've been saying. I would have gone further and proven that millions of American slaves were captured and enslaved for generations at spear-point, but my research was tragically eaten by dung beetles.
OJ: Professor, I also wanted to ask about the semi-prestigious Bancroft Award you were initially awarded, then later stripped of the honor. Did it upset you having to return the $4,000 prize?
MB: Absolutely not! I was going to donate that money to a worthy cause, like flood insurance. Besides, my latest research has shown that the Bancroft Award was paid for by Attorney General Bancroft and the NRA's blood money. I have all the research right in the next room to prove it too. I'll go get it.
OJ: Man this is great! Two scoops for the price of one interview!
. . . Hmm, I wonder what's taking him so long? Are you okay Professor?
Hey! Why do I smell smoke?! Professor Bellesiles, what's that noise?!
MB: The smoke alarm! Sorry OJ, my research notes were just ignited by a fluke static electrical surge in the filing cabinet. Unfortunately I was also keeping a large jerry-can of ethylene in there.
LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Run for your life, Juice!!
OJ: This is OJ Simpson saying until next time . . . learn not to burn!
OJ interviews Professor Bellesiles
OJ: I'm speaking with former Emory University Professor Michael Bellesiles. Happy New Year, Professor! It's good of you to join us so soon after your surgery. How are you feeling?
MB: Much better. Thank you, OJ.
OJ: I understand this is the 7th time you've had this particular surgical procedure done. If you keep this up, you'll surpass Michael Jackson's record for having the most rhinoplasty surgeries ever preformed on one person.
MB: OJ, I'm certainly not out to set any records. It's just this damn thing keeps growing and growing. I just don't understand it. I get it cut down, and it's fine for awhile, then I write another book and my nose starts growing again. Maybe I've got some strange allergy to paper.
OJ: That certain would be an unusual allergy, to say the least.
Professor, how come you are leaving the ivory towers of academia?
MB: Well, after some discussions with Sarah Brady, I decided it was time to
move on and find a place where my talents would be better appreciated. I think I will be much more comfortable in the fast-paced world of business. This way I can do my important and objective research free from the narrow-minded scrutiny of my fellow academicians' so-called 'academic standards'. Their irritating requirements for independent sources and peer review are an intolerable impediment to my artistic license as a researcher. OJ, tell you what, I'm giving you something of an exclusive scoop by announcing in this interview that I'll be forming a new research company. Here's my new business card.
OJ: Wow! Yet another scoop for OJ's Corner, the column that's always on the cutting edge- …. cutting edge of journalism, that is! Anyway, let's see the business card. . . .
"Bellesile's House of Lost Archives: Historical Research; Creative Writing; Flood Insurance; Light hauling and storage"
I've got to hand it to you, Professor, you've certainly combined your areas of expertise into one big emporium. Congratulations! What's with the light hauling and storage, by the way?
MB: Diversification, OJ. After all, jobs are tough to come by these days. I want people to know that just because I'm one a' them "researchers" doesn't mean I won't move a load of fertilizer if the price is right.
OJ: I see. Now I have to ask you what inspired this move? After all, you're doing this very late in your career. Was it a desire to test your mettle in the world of free enterprise? Or was it the fact that a recent peer review of your latest works stated that they were "seriously troubled by (your) scholarly conduct" and charged that "(your) failure to clearly identify (your) sources moves into the realm of falsification". Any comments for our readers?
MB: OJ, I assure you that I was set up by NRA extremists, and that all the research I had was impeccable. I can't help it if my records and sources were all destroyed in the Chicago fire of 1906. Oops, wait, that was my last book on ancient Rome entitled, "Swordless Gladiators: Pillow-fights of the Colliseum". This batch of independent research was destroyed in a fluke flash-flood that soaked the better part of a corner of my basement at Emory University, near the wash basin. And a terrible sight it was too . . . I was wiping up potato bug carcasses for the next three days!
OJ: I see. Now let me get to the book you wrote on the prevalence of guns in the America of Colonial times. Tell me about your independent research, which your book claimed to be "the NRA's worst nightmare". Right now the only thing that seems to be 'tossing and turning' is your career. It is your contention then that the early American colonists and pioneers defeated thousands of Native Americans, the French and British armies, and hunted animals for food and clothing, all without the benefit of firearms. Is that correct? How is that possible?
MB: That's right, OJ. The facts are clear: The colonists and pioneers who founded this country barely had any guns at all. Our whole history is based on misconceptions. For example, both the Revolutionary and the French and Indian Wars were fought primarily with a combination of homophobic rhetoric and unfair housing practices. This shows that the 2nd Amendment could not have been meant to protect guns since there weren't any in Colonial America.
OJ: Interesting. Doesn't this contradict the previous anti-gun position that firearms were once needed to found this nation, but are no longer necessary in the absence of marauding Indians and the need to hunt one's own food?
MB: Well, they were right in that guns aren't necessary today, but even back then they were of little use. Animals in early America were notoriously gullible. They would trustingly wander into the cooking pots of the angry white men who lied to them. This lasted until approximately the Civil War, at which time the animals began to catch on. This was accurately portrayed in the docu-drama "Bambi". The guns that were available in Colonial America were used to unfairly shoot the unarmed Native Americans while they slept or communed with the Great Spirit. It's a little known fact that all the Native Americans were conscientious objectors.
OJ: So the early colonists were so poorly armed that they had to defeat the French and British soldiers with harsh language yet they were so well-armed that they shot the poor Indians to pieces.
MB: OJ, we shouldn't use derogatory terms such as 'Indians'. They should only be referred to as "Native Americans." And yes, OJ, that's essentially what I've been saying. I would have gone further and proven that millions of American slaves were captured and enslaved for generations at spear-point, but my research was tragically eaten by dung beetles.
OJ: Professor, I also wanted to ask about the semi-prestigious Bancroft Award you were initially awarded, then later stripped of the honor. Did it upset you having to return the $4,000 prize?
MB: Absolutely not! I was going to donate that money to a worthy cause, like flood insurance. Besides, my latest research has shown that the Bancroft Award was paid for by Attorney General Bancroft and the NRA's blood money. I have all the research right in the next room to prove it too. I'll go get it.
OJ: Man this is great! Two scoops for the price of one interview!
. . . Hmm, I wonder what's taking him so long? Are you okay Professor?
Hey! Why do I smell smoke?! Professor Bellesiles, what's that noise?!
MB: The smoke alarm! Sorry OJ, my research notes were just ignited by a fluke static electrical surge in the filing cabinet. Unfortunately I was also keeping a large jerry-can of ethylene in there.
LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Run for your life, Juice!!
OJ: This is OJ Simpson saying until next time . . . learn not to burn!