French Military History...


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fish2xs
March 14, 2003, 05:12 PM
This is probably why they won't support military force....

And now for today's history lesson......
___________________
THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

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telewinz
March 14, 2003, 05:16 PM
Against the Huns 0-1:barf:

Bonker
March 14, 2003, 06:29 PM
My first post !!!

1871 - Bismark founds modern Germany.
1890 - Bismark sacked, warmonger Wilhelm II takes direct control.
1914 - Germany starts World War I.
1914-1918 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.
1917 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.
1918 - Germany loses World War I.
1920's - Germans try democracy.
1933 - Germans reject democracy, and allow Hitler to take power.
1939 - Germany starts World War II.
1939-1945 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.
1941 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.
1945 - Germany loses World War II.
1946 - Germans whine about lack of food, America gives billions in food
aid to feed them.
1947 - Germans whine about crappy economy, America gives billions in
Marshall Plan aid to rebuild German economy.
1948-1949 - America puts *** on line and risks WWIII to save a few
Berliners from Soviet hordes.
1949 - Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) established.
1950's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet
hordes.
1950's - German 'economic miracle' occurs while America keeps watch on
Soviet hordes.
1955 - NATO formed to protect West Germany from Soviet hordes.
1960's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet
hordes.
1960's - German students protest war in Vietnam and American civil
rights.
1963 - American President John Kennedy makes "Ich bin ein Berliner"
speech.
1970's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet
hordes.
1970's - Germans form the Marxist terrorist group Red Army Faction
(RAF).
1970's - Leftist German guerrillas burn, loot, and plunder much of West
Germany.
1980's - America spends tens of billions to defend West Germany from
Soviet hordes.
1980's - German leftists bitch about Pershing II missiles.
1987 - American President Ronald Reagan makes "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down
this wall" speech.
1989 - Gorbachev tears down Berlin Wall.
1990 - German Reunification.
1990's - America spends tens of billions to defend Germany from Islamic
hordes.
1990's - Germany stands by as ethnic cleansing occurs in Balkans.
1993 - Germany joins European Union.
1995 - Americans send troops to Bosnia as Germans watch from the
sidelines.
1997 - Germans finally send troops to Bosnia.
1998 - Hardline, left-of-left socialists come to power under Gerhard
Schroeder.
1999 - American's lead air war to save Kosovo as Germans watch from the
sidelines.
2001 - Schroeder offers solidarity to America after 9/11 attacks.
2002 - Schroeder bashes America to distract voters during election
campaign.
2003 - Germany sees rise in anti-Americanism after several decades of
poor treatment from America.
AND YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS?

Steve Smith
March 14, 2003, 06:42 PM
Dude, you're gettin a lock!


Frenchy threads, no matter how funny, are OT.

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