Non-PC but pretty good


October 13, 2005, 09:29 PM
Fair Warning: this is a politically incorrect RANT from a Texas Cop.

Almost but not quite sounds like LawDog.

As I sit here, preparing for Evacuation, I find it only fair to perhaps explain for some of our Louisiana Evacuees (or perhaps those Texan-Transplants who have not been through a Hurricane) the proper rules of Texan Hurricane Etiquette.

Firstly, it is vitally important to remember to continue to move uphill and away from water, even if the closest hill is in Dallas. This may prove particularly confusing for some of our colleagues from the East for whom, having built their cities below water level, uphill means "into the bay".

Secondly, it is important to actually LISTEN and READ the warnings and suggestions given to you by FEMA. Having grown up on the Texas Coast, any schoolchild over the age of conception knows to have at least three full days of food, water and other necessities for a Category One storm, and subsequently more for each level thereafter. Also, having dealt with decades of the legislature in Austin, we are acutely aware that this means that YOU have to provide and maintain these and that any assumption that the Local, State, and Federal government is going to use Star Trek technology to bring them to you across 200 miles of knee deep mud is, in fact, ludicrous. If, by some stretch, you cannot read or listen to the basic instructions widely disseminated at the beginning of each and every Hurricane season by FEMA (in each of the 1200 recognized languages and dialects within Texas), we humbly suggest you may be qualified to run for public office.

My personal suggestion is Mayor of New Orleans, as I wager the position will be open fairly soon.

Thirdly, when or if the Government in whatever form decides to arrive and help you or any of your fellows, it is considered highly inappropriate to shoot at them. Lead is a particularly personal way of saying hello, and we stress the importance of not assuming this degree of informality with any of our local or state representatives.

Even the medical personnel are likely to perceive incoming gunfire as rude, and are likely to respond with verbiage and hand signals that might be misinterpreted by some as irate or unappreciative. This is nothing of the kind and is, instead, merely a Texas cultural way of directing supporting fire. The end result is that if some misinterpretation of your exchange of gunfire-for-help occurs, do not be surprised if you are left to fend for yourself. The same applies to randomly burning down buildings, particularly when rescue vehicles are attempting to land on them.

Next, a brief word should be said about the peculiar Texas ideas concerning personal property. Curiously, even when surrounded by mud and/or rain, most Texans recognize that what's theirs is theirs and what isn't, isn't. Personal property, even if incredulously left alone, should be left as is even if you happen to be walking by and find yourself suddenly struck by:
1) the unfairness of your situation, 2) the notion that you are somehow entitled to that property, or 3) are moved by Celine Dion to "touch" things that you hadn't previously.

The same rule of behavior applies to public property, including but not limited to Evacuation Centers, Walmarts, and Highways. As an example, I will briefly mention that we have a Dome. It is not the largest, the newest, or the prettiest. But it's ours. We don't lend our Dome out to people who break theirs lightly. Please leave all seats where they started, bathrooms undestroyed, and...most importantly...our general facilities undefiled by various cardinal sins devised to amuse yourselves if trapped inside. We have a Rodeo there, so to various members of our state, that is considered Holy Ground.

Which brings us to the last (at least for now), and perhaps most important aspect of Texas Hurricane Etiquette. It is only fair to remind both our guests and our residents that 25% of all the legally owned handguns in the North American continent do reside here in Texas.

As such, Looters are not as well...tolerated... in the aftermath of a Hurricane as they are in areas such as Louisiana. Much in the same way that we here in Texas do not assume the government will bail us out of a blatant personal inability to prepare for emergencies, we likewise do not believe it is entirely up to the overworked, underpaid, unappreciated Law Officers of this State to maintain the public peace in times of crisis. We are a friendly, proactive, WELL ARMED people with a good aim. Please try to keep this in mind.

However, it is insulting on the part of the defending resident to use anything less than a 9mm, preferably remaining in the .45 or .44 range. As Texans we DO have a reputation to maintain and requiring multiple rounds always runs the risk for inappropriate behavior if your grouping isn't good.

Shotguns ARE an acceptable alternative, but ONLY if the Hurricane occurs after Labor Day. Rifles should only be considered if proper eye and ear protection is offered beforehand to all those in the room. Bragging rights are ONLY awarded if substantiated by properly mounted heads on the wall.

Next time we shall explore the curious concepts of responsibility and restraint in Aid Relief, not squandering help, and appreciation for those showing concern, mercy, and charity.

We hope this primer has helped, and will ease your integration into dealing with National Tragedies here in Texas.

ARE WE CLEAR ABOUT ALL THIS? Behave yourselves!

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October 13, 2005, 10:30 PM

Livin in Texas

October 13, 2005, 10:44 PM
Would it be OK if I post this on my front door?? :p

Well said!


Bob F.
October 13, 2005, 11:44 PM
Hhhmmpp!Seems much the same as here in the hills of West, By God, Virginia!! WEST, that is! Ifn ya' caint take care of yourself, move to D.C. with the rest of the freeloaders, congressmen, and all. ( No, there's no cap in congressmen!!).

Stay safe.

October 14, 2005, 08:04 AM
...friendly, proactive, WELL ARMED...

LMAO; can I get this on a t-shirt?

Working Man
October 14, 2005, 01:32 PM
Well done.
Sounds like a page from the common sense handbook.

October 14, 2005, 01:49 PM
Great read - thanks for posting!

October 14, 2005, 01:59 PM
Texas Cops hate black people [ /kanye west]:neener:

October 14, 2005, 04:35 PM
Completly agree, was going to give this to my (liberal) history teacher till I got to the part about mounting heads on the wall.

October 14, 2005, 05:15 PM
I enjoyed the read...Thanks for posting it :D

October 14, 2005, 06:52 PM
I get so sick of hearing people saying "The government should step in!"
Especially things that are our responsibility.

+1 article.

Standing Wolf
October 14, 2005, 10:02 PM
It is only fair to remind both our guests and our residents that 25% of all the legally owned handguns in the North American continent do reside here in Texas.

Well, yeah, but I'm sure L.A. has the highest percentage of illegally owned firearms.

October 15, 2005, 03:29 PM
:D Priceless...

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