Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared for Full-Scale Zombie Attack


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Justin
October 19, 2005, 05:14 PM
Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared for Full-Scale Zombie Attack (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676)

October 19, 2005 | Issue 41•42

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

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geekWithA.45
October 19, 2005, 05:21 PM
Actually, of all the urban centers in the US, Pittsburgh is probably the city with the most guns, and the least severe Dem infection.

In any event, they're surrounded by Pennsyltuckians, so the hordes of zombies aren't going to be going too far.

HighVelocity
October 19, 2005, 05:30 PM
If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."


:eek:

Kurush
October 19, 2005, 06:16 PM
This fact, coupled with abnormally high space-radiation levels in eastern Pennsylvania and ongoing traffic issues in the East Hills and Larimer areas, led Cornelius to declare the likelihood of a successful evacuation as "slight to impossibleEastern PA? Evacuate through Larimer and East Hills? Someone is very confused about 'Burgh geography.

Bring em on, with all the guns in this city the only hard part would be shoveling the zombie-remains into the river.

Dr.Rob
October 19, 2005, 06:41 PM
Funny they recommend a go-bag with a Glock 17 and 50 rounds of ammo... no shotgun?

:uhoh:

Justin
October 19, 2005, 06:43 PM
High capacity and headshots. ;)

That said, the round count did strike me as being a tad on the low side.

itgoesboom
October 19, 2005, 06:45 PM
High capacity and headshots. ;)

That said, the round count did strike me as being a tad on the low side.


Yeah, most of the members here carry that when they go to church on Sunday. :D

I.G.B.

matis
October 19, 2005, 07:06 PM
I simply cannot understand your responses.

You think bullets effective against the living "dead"??

You watch too much television.



I, on the other hand, AM prepared.


I'll have you know that I wear around my neck, a SILVER Mogen David (Jewish Star).

I'd just whip it out and point it right at 'em.


(Actually I sometimes watch TV, too.)


matis

Preacherman
October 19, 2005, 08:13 PM
I liked the reference to FUMA - Federal Undead Management Agency. :D

torpid
October 19, 2005, 08:16 PM
Beat me to it...

:o

Dionysusigma
October 19, 2005, 08:19 PM
Sorry, matis, but that only works against vampires. Jewish ones at that... :D Same with holy water, garlic (hummus?), wood, etc.

Undead require destruction of the zombie's brain, best done with a shotgun or SP/JHP to the head. If you want to go hardcore, use a battle axe or a kukhri. :evil:

nfl1990
October 19, 2005, 08:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin
High capacity and headshots.

That said, the round count did strike me as being a tad on the low side.


Yeah, most of the members here carry that when they go to church on Sunday.


You only carry ONE gun and fifty rounds for it at church?!?!?

Vitamin G
October 19, 2005, 08:26 PM
Actually, of all the urban centers in the US, Pittsburgh is probably the city with the most guns, and the least severe Dem infection.



While I might agree with you on the most guns, I dont think Pittsburgh has had a republican mayor since the 1920's, or something like that.

I know personally, I have enough guns to fend off a medium sized zombie elementary school, and a complete zombie baseball team that we don't want anyways.

Come to think of it, thats a great strategy! If we just make sure the Pittsburgh Pirates become zombies early in the game, the living are sure to win!

Warren
October 19, 2005, 08:32 PM
The good thing about a Zombie attack in PB would be that Bill Cowher could finally find a quality back-up quarterback.

Dr.Rob
October 19, 2005, 08:37 PM
Fifty rounds is an alwful slow reload without a spare magazine.

;)

matis
October 19, 2005, 10:57 PM
Quote:
Sorry, matis, but that only works against vampires. Jewish ones at that... Same with holy water, garlic (hummus?), wood, etc.

Undead require destruction of the zombie's brain, best done with a shotgun or SP/JHP to the head. If you want to go hardcore, use a battle axe or a kukhri
________________________________________

OK, Dionysusigma, I'll save the Mogen David for Jewish Vampires.


For the rest, I have an 870 and I've enjoyed reading most of Dave McC's posts.

So I'm ready.

(Maybe I should keep an eye open for good deals on 5-6 more 870s? Put mag extensions on all of 'em and keep 'em all loaded with double O buck and stacked in the bedroom. You know -- for New York reloads?)

matis

Borachon
October 19, 2005, 11:12 PM
Pittsburg is a Northern State. A state that once actively fought against the South. Zombies that go looking for brains there will die of starvation in a week.

Threat removed.

Subby
October 20, 2005, 01:15 AM
Southwestern PA was primarily settled by Virginians. George Washington once owned the next town over, and I've seen old articles dealing with the local slave trade. We may be north of the Mason-Dixon, we definitely aren't yankees.

Sub

Wasz
October 20, 2005, 01:44 AM
Heh I live about 5 min away from Larimer in North Huntington. I wouldnt say its liberal around here too much seeing as today I saw a guy flying a standard size rebel flag in his beat up pick up truck on a stand made of 2x4. Im sure we could handle a small scale zombie problem. If not then Ive heard it said and seen it myself that PA is basically Pittsburgh and Philly with a nice big T shape of whats basically transplanted Alabama through the middle of the state so we'll just send for reinforcements.

Kurush
October 20, 2005, 02:05 AM
Pittsburg is a Northern State. A state that once actively fought against the South. Zombies that go looking for brains there will die of starvation in a week.Now you've done it! I can stand being called brainless, but nobody steals our "H" and gets away with it!!!! :cuss: :fire: :cuss:

:neener:

MaMa PyCb
October 20, 2005, 04:13 AM
any urban area is screwed...... the thing thats scary about zombies is not the zombie itself, rather the fact that theres soooooooooooooooooooo many of them, plinking 50 of them isnt enought, you need to keep safe untill they all decay past the point where there mobile and hope that theres not alot of fresh ones lingering.... after all zombies arent all that, theres just lots of them and you know the expression" never underestimate stupid people in large numbers".

Oh and fire is a very big NO-NO. as they feel no pain and would simply walk arond catching other zombies on fire, them *foomp* the whole city goes up, people and zombies alike.. sooo:banghead:

load up on Semi-auto AK's with bayos, and Plenty of ammo....
12 gagues, and ammo...
Lots of pistols.......
Water,
And get the hell out of the city!

Find a tall, sturdy bulding, bar the doors, and start growing you own food on the roof... if you were smart you brought a harpoon to shoot deer and other critters to eat as you can just reel them back to base.:D

Good advise to follow from you Local Z-Day crew office #1

cracked butt
October 20, 2005, 04:33 AM
Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared for Full-Scale Zombie Attack

To the people of Pittsburgh- don't feel bad, as the movie "Dawn of the Dead" illustrated, Milwaukee and its suburbs wouldn't fare too well either. :banghead:

Kurush
October 20, 2005, 05:03 AM
To the people of Pittsburgh- don't feel bad, as the movie "Dawn of the Dead" illustrated, Milwaukee and its suburbs wouldn't fare too well either. :banghead:Funny you should say that, the original Dawn of the Dead was filmed in a mall just outside Pittsburgh.

I dont think Pittsburgh has had a republican mayor since the 1920's, or something like that. Yeah but Pittsburgh dems mostly aren't liberals.

dustind
October 20, 2005, 06:28 AM
If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday." At least we finally know what it would take for the government to start looking for brains. :D

http://zombiesquad.theedge.net/phpbb2 Seems to be the best zombie defense and preparedness website around. It has lots of information about anti zombie tactics, weapons, and living post TEOTWAWKI. It is pretty sad that I not only know about zombie forums, but can say which one is my favorite.

anapex
October 20, 2005, 11:29 AM
Funny you should say that, the original Dawn of the Dead was filmed in a mall just outside Pittsburgh.

And "Night of the Living Dead" was also filmed very close to Pittsburgh. After growing up watching these classic movies ANY SW PAer should be good to go against zombies.

boofus
October 20, 2005, 12:11 PM
I always wonder about those zombie movies. Why don't the survivors just hole up in a fort for a few months while the zombies decompose. Eventually they will rot to a point where their muscles and bones fall apart and they can't move.

Then just walk out with a bunch of garbage bags and start cleaning the place up. :confused:

Gun Wielding Maniac
October 20, 2005, 12:28 PM
I always wonder about those zombie movies. Why don't the survivors just hole up in a fort for a few months while the zombies decompose. Eventually they will rot to a point where their muscles and bones fall apart and they can't move.

Then just walk out with a bunch of garbage bags and start cleaning the place up. :confused:

Well, in the new Dawn of the Dead, a lot of survivors try to do that... and the fort is overrun. You see, the problem is the zombies always find a way to get in... or someone comes in infected.

The problem also remains that most homes and ever forts these days are not equipped to last a siege for several months ;)

Even Fort Knox, if you were to completely seal it off, would be starving in a few months with the several thousand personel there with no resupply. Long seiges just arent expected.

Thats why you must prepare, citizen ;)

Wasz
October 20, 2005, 12:50 PM
Yeah in the new Dawn of th Dead was filimed in Monroeville mall partly I believe, something like 20 min away from the city.

41 Redhawk
October 20, 2005, 01:24 PM
Yeah but Pittsburgh dems mostly aren't liberals.

'Cept when it comes to spending!

Ridge
October 20, 2005, 02:18 PM
I would arm myself with two 22.lr Rifles (One Single Shot the other semi-auto) my Model 10 Smith,Winchester Model 1300 12gauge,and my Remmy 7400 in 30-06.

Set up in Walmart on the roof,place others around different corners of the building with the 22's and start picking the Zombies off until we run out of
22's,then arm others with shotguns go down to the front doors having at least four lines of shotgunners,then open the doors (Making sure they have to funnel inside) and when they begin to charge in,have the first line open fire,then have the second line move up as the first line reloads,and begin to fire,then so on and so forth until we run out of Shotgun ammo,or until the Zombies are out of the picture.

dustind
October 20, 2005, 05:53 PM
If you run out of .22LR ammo you could make a long spear out of tubing and a knife found in the store. Then just stab them when they get close enough to reach them from the roof.

STW
October 20, 2005, 06:54 PM
As an aside: The cemetery where Night of the Living Dead was filmed in Evans City, north of Pgh, is a fairly pleasant place and quite attractive....

in the day time.

loud-mouth shnook
October 20, 2005, 08:25 PM
Actually, a zombie survival manual does exist. An official U.S. military publication, yet. Well, at least it looks just like one. Something tells me that Mel Brooks' son, Max, doesn't write for the military. He did write this book, though. Great stuff! Lots of common sense like: "Get up the stairs then destroy the stairway." I got my copy. Them stanky dead fellers ain't gonna turn me inta no zombie poop, nossireebubbalingus!

(And now if you'll excuse me, my nurse is here with my thorazine...):p

afasano
October 20, 2005, 10:13 PM
'Cept when it comes to spending!

It was the damn libs in the 'burgh and in Bucks county that took the state away from Bush. :cuss:

shermacman
October 20, 2005, 10:22 PM
I live in Massachusetts.
Teddy The K (D-Chivas) and Jean Fraud Kerry (D-Windsurfing) are my Senators, elected by we-the-people.
Obviously, I am safe against a zombie attack here. There are few brains to be found.

anapex
October 21, 2005, 11:11 AM
Yeah in the new Dawn of th Dead was filimed in Monroeville mall partly I believe, something like 20 min away from the city.

The original was filmed in Monroeville, not sure where the remake was filmed.

cracked butt
October 21, 2005, 11:29 AM
The original was filmed in Monroeville, not sure where the remake was filmed.

Somewhere in Canada.

rick_reno
October 21, 2005, 11:35 AM
Isn't that where Carnegie Mellon is? I had to go there once to give a talk, I recall the city being surrounded by rivers. What the city should do is require everyone to have an inflatable boat - let the zombies have the city, it didn't look like it was worth saving while the citizens float away on their boats.

DirksterG30
October 21, 2005, 11:44 AM
Isn't that where Carnegie Mellon is? I had to go there once to give a talk, I recall the city being surrounded by rivers. What the city should do is require everyone to have an inflatable boat - let the zombies have the city, it didn't look like it was worth saving while the citizens float away on their boats.

You are correct, sir.

Beren
October 21, 2005, 12:11 PM
I'm already working on my anti-zombie "go bag." :D

Glock 17 w/ four 33-round magazines
Colt 6450 (9mm) SBR + suppressor w/ eight 32-round magazines & mini ACOG
Running shoes

I can stand on my balcony and look over at Monroeville Mall. :neener:

Vitamin G
October 21, 2005, 12:53 PM
I think I'd be making my stand on the mushrooms of Mt Washington on Grandview Ave. with a BHP and 4, 15rd mags, and probably a SAR-1 rather than a AR-15, as i just have more mags for the AK. Then again, Why not bring both?

Kurush
October 21, 2005, 01:55 PM
Actually, a zombie survival manual does exist.I actually bought it on a lark earlier this year. I opened it up and naturally I flipped to the weaponry section and the advice was so bad I lost interest :(

Things I learned reading The Zombie Survival Guide:

* 5.56 is a powerful machine gun round that can tear the human body in half with one shot.
* The M16 is a poodleshooter that can't kill zombies reliably
* You shouldn't use assault rifles like the M16 or AK-47 even in semi mode because they're too unreliable for serious use.
* You should use semiautos because they're very reliable, especially the Mini-14
* The AR15/M16 is has an "overcomplicated" action and jams constantly. Its fragile buttstock will shatter if used to buttstroke.

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