So There I Was Part 6......(funny)


November 20, 2005, 07:57 PM
So there I was sitting in my basement in the total dark, breaking down my AR 15 fitted with the flash suppressor and bayonet lug. I knew that the government had been reading my brainwaves for years now, so I was wearing my tailor made tinfoil hat. I knew that at any moment the U.N. would send tanks down my street, but everyone thinks I’m crazy, they’ll see. I had been listening to white noise on the T.V. for years and my keen intellect had deciphered a sophisticated U.N. communications network broadcast to “those who know”.

Suddenly I heard a noise from upstairs and to the untrained ear it sounded like my furnace kicking on, but I knew better, it was one of those U.N. scout commandos creeping into my house. It was time for decisive action. I slammed the magazine to my AR 15 home and stealthy moved from my chair towards the stairs in a low crawl. Step by step I crawled up the stairs when suddenly I stumbled upon a booby trap, disguised as a skateboard, expertly placed for the express purpose of sending me hurtling to my doom. Fortunately I was prepared for such an event and as I fell backwards 10 feet or so, I pulled the trigger to my illegally modified AR spraying the ceiling and door where the U.N. commando was.

Unfortunately I shot left foot in the process, but I was prepared for such incident and dumped a packet of black powder into the wound. I then lit my cigarette lighter to cauterize the foot and stop the bleeding, however shoe, sock and pants lit on fire, I knew that I was being sighted in by U.N. snipers so I hopped on one foot towards my weapons stash. I then stopped, dropped and rolled to put the flames and was able to kick my smoldering pants off. It’s a good thing I was wearing my tactical black briefs that night. I broke into a crate of flares, lit them and threw them to strategic corners of the basement to provide some illumination as I drew out my trusty Les Baer .45. Somehow the U.N. had managed to set fire to my house. To the untrained eye it would appear that one of my flares did so to make it look like and accident, yeah, and Oswald shot Kennedy.

I hopped over to the nearest window and used a SOG tactical knife to punch out the glass. I then pulled myself out of the window cutting myself on the glass, I was ready for this type of pain however and called upon my advanced training gained from the Elk Horn Local Militia to keep me going. About that time the U.N. sent special agents to grab me, they were disguised as firemen, but I stayed them off with a quick burst from my trusty Les Baer. The police then began to arrive and I told the first one about the disguised fireman however the officer tackled me before I could tell him about the conspiracy. I used my advanced Ju-Jitsu training and was able to successfully place my left arm behind my back which to the untrained eye would look like I was in an excruciating arm lock, I had the officer right where I wanted him and began to roll over, tearing every tendon in my shoulder just as planned. I then heard screaming, I knew I had hurt that officer good, until I realized that the screaming was my own. I fought back by repeatedly striking the officer’s fist with the right side of my head, any minute now he would become fatigued and I would have the upper hand.

I wrenched my body to one side successfully breaking free of the officer and made my run for it, a specially trained U.N. K-9 was in hot pursuit and I knew it would catch me, so before the dog knew what happened I threw my crotch into his jaws. As I distracted the dog with my genitals I planned my next cunning move. I rolled to my left which tore my crotch from the dog’s mouth and began to run for the house as it burned. The dog was upon my back and I knew the U.N. would not shoot their own K-9. However I had been gotten; I must have been slipped a knock out drug because in the next instant I was unconscious.

Upon waking up I found myself in a hospital surrounded by secret government agents wearing white. I was tied to my bed and unable to move, I had them right where I wanted them.

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November 20, 2005, 08:06 PM
Pulled a triple shift again huh? :D

November 20, 2005, 08:28 PM
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


November 20, 2005, 08:41 PM
I fought back by repeatedly striking the officer’s fist with the right side of my head, any minute now he would become fatigued and I would have the upper hand.


November 20, 2005, 08:56 PM
Is someone off of their meds again? LOL. This is golden.....

November 20, 2005, 09:06 PM
You should cut short on eating those 'space cookies' you bought in San Francisco. They don't really make you feel better. :evil:

November 20, 2005, 09:15 PM
The same exact thing happened to me last Christmas, except I don't have a basement, don't have an AR, my pants were jeans and I fell in water, it was the CIA not the UN, there were no firemen, but medivacs, and there were no police K-9s just tasers and a few of those bean bags from the shotguns.
But man it was just like it.

November 21, 2005, 11:55 AM
Yep another long night...this time I just had to get the tinfoil hat wearers.:neener:

November 21, 2005, 02:29 PM
Yep another long night...this time I just had to get the tinfoil hat wearers.:neener:

You mean you WEREN'T serious? I spent all that time online getting the plans for a new tinfoil hat ( here ( ) and you weren't SERIOUS!!:fire:

... Ohhh... I get it now! Right! It was all a joke. Uh... I knew that, the link I just posted was just some random link I made up too!

I can take a joke! Really :cool:

November 21, 2005, 03:40 PM
Obviously, you have not read as many SHTF threads as I have, for using many of the techniques and strategies learned there, I was able to avoid the blue-helmeted, black-helicopter-riding JBTs altoghether.

I sensed their presence in my neighborhood using an ancient technique involving paiote and JD.

After receiving verification though my vibration detection equipment that a large ground force was moving ever so slowly towards my domicile, I retreated through my escape tunnel, carrying only my trusty M14/S (along with 20-20rd mags), an Ak47 (with 30-30 round mags), a Rem. 870 pump 12ga. (and two ammo bandoliers of alternating Buck Shot and Breneke sluggs), a custom Mauser urban sniper rifle in .308, a brace of Glock 23s (in thigh holsters a` la Tomb Raider's Lara Croft) and a G27 strapped to each ankle (14-14 roun mags), and of course 2,000 rounds for each long gun (500 hand-loaded anti-.Gov rounds for the Sniper rifle) and 5,000 rounds of .40cal Black Talon ammo I had squirrelled away for just the right occasion...all ingeniously hidden and disguised by my Tactical Tailor MOLLE equipped plate carrier and long black trench (which incidentally is made of a special ploymer that reduces my body signature on both infared and thermal imaging).

I left the wife and kids there to distract the Blue Helmets and .Gov types long enough to establish a nice recon/sniper position some 2 clicks E/NE of the domicile (that location is Top Secret BTYW, so no telling:neener: ).

Using a sophisticated software algorythm and Furrier Analysis, I was able to determine the exact whereabouts and enemy numbers. I attempted to rescue the family, but it was obvious that authorities were trying to brainwash them and coerce them with pizza (what a lame disguise that was...)

Later in the evening, after careful planning and consulting with fellow CTs in New York, San Francisco, Boston, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta and several other major cities, I was able to determine it was a co-ordinated sweep of all those in favor of "voting from the rooftops". The y used the same "pizza delivery" scenario in each and every instance. Somehow, they either compromised our super-secret communications with the pizza place when we ordered, or the pizza guys are in cahoots with the .Gov folks (that's more pizza for me)

You have been warned...I must go now...I sense a disturbance in the atmosphere...

Relocate to Bravo Sector Grid 9

Spoon out

Brad Johnson
November 21, 2005, 04:13 PM
Oh... Dear... Lord...

It must be a government plot because the exact same thing happened to me last night! No, really, I swear it did!! And this morning when I woke up my head was pounding from the mind-altering substance they had forced on me (which they had cleverly, but unsuccessfully, tried to disguise as a Bud Light)


November 21, 2005, 08:02 PM
Hey Alduro, what happened to parts 4 and 5?


November 21, 2005, 08:29 PM
Part ya go.....

So there I was, sitting in my carbon fiber 2 horsepower, Rascal with mag Spinner wheels. They told me I was washed up; give it up, your 90 years old for Christ Sake. But I knew better. The Moose Ass County Convalescent Center was my new beat. I had just finished my noon meal of mashed potatoes, creamed corn and apple sauce and was rarin’ to go.

I gunned my Rascal towards my private room when a nefarious looking elderly woman on a walker blocked my path. Her teeth looked a little too real, her eyes a little too alert. I knew she wasn’t as she seemed. I moved to the left, she still blocked my way. I moved to the right, again, my efforts were again thwarted. My honed senses told me something was amiss, ambush!

I looked to my right and my left; all seemed normal, too normal. I immediately grabbed my “tactical” set of titanium teeth and replaced the porcelain ones, “just in case”. I knew my years of work with the Palooka Uniformed Strategic Services Integrated Enforcement Squad, at the Palooka Police Department would pay off yet again.

I threw my Rascal into hard reverse; it struck a potted plant that had been strategically placed alongside the wall to interfere with my escape, sending me head over heals backwards. I was ready for such an event and wore my leak proof Depends, the “tactical black” ones advertised in Guns & Ammo. Certain that I had no up-flowing leakage; I sprang to my feet, easily within 2 minutes or less.

I made my way for the dining hall and armed myself with a plastic orthopedic spoon, but this baby had been honed by yours truly. This was a deadly weapon in disguise. An attacker, disguised as a nurse made her way towards me. I aimed the spoon carefully and threw it straight at her right eye. Contact! She was immediately down. I quickly ran for the emergency exit, damn them, still locked. The nurse was now upon me. I made for the T.V. Room but she grabbed my shirt. I was prepared for such a situation and my shirt ripped free due to the snap on buttons. I wriggled from the remnants of the garment and went for my chemical weapons, stored within the confines of my Depends. To the untrained eye, this would appear to be mere poo, but this was special poo, you see I had eaten and entire jar of cayenne peppers the night before. This was tactical poo. I flung the treated excrement at the nurse who was now screaming for backup. My years working with the P.U.S.S.I.E.S. had my mind clicking on all cylinders; I began to plan my next move.

The Orderlies charged in and grabbed each arm. I clamped down on the left one with my titanium teeth. He howled and charged off, my teeth never let go, but my gums did and they stayed attached to his arm. I was ready for this however and promptly threw my groin into the arm of a reclining chair, causing me to vomit on the other orderly. To the inexperienced this would have appeared to have been an accident, but this nurse knew better, she was on to me.

I ran for the door, the nurse dived, latching onto my pants, the elastic band gave way and I had to abandon them at the scene. The door to the front of the home was open; I made my break for it.

As I run down Main Street, passers by hooted and hollered at me thinking I was just a crazy old man in diapers, but what they didn’t see, was the coiled weapon beneath. I was quickly set upon by the same two orderlies. It was then I wish I had my B.A.L.L.S. or the Ballistic Armored Lightweight Logistical Shield I used to have when I was a cop. Just then, the Moose Ass Police showed up. I have had experiences with these kinds of so called “cops” before.

The first one out of the car got poo flung straight into his eye. I knew what was coming next. His partner maced me, I was ready for this however and ran screaming into traffic clutching my face in agony. To the untrained eye, this would appear to be a random act, but I knew they wouldn’t follow here. I bent down and tightened the Velcro on my sneakers, I was ready for speed now. The cops were on me again, I was out of poo, so we went hand to hand. The cops promptly shot a taser at me; I blocked it with my right nipple. The effect of the taser had predictable results as I soiled myself again while twitching on the pavement. It was too much for my Depends and they quickly went aflame. The cops used fire extinguishers to put down my raging underwear, and I made my break. I successfully commandeered the patrol car while the cops were finishing of the flames in the street. The cool polyester against my bare flesh sent a tingle of excitement down my spine, unfortunately it also caused a little pee to come out, that’s okay though, I was in control.

I put the siren on wail and hit the car’s gas. Unfortunately it was in reverse and threw itself into a drainage ditch. I had to bail. I sprang from the car and made for the open grass but was tackled by the older cop. I went for his gun and he blocked my movement by slamming my head into the ground. I was ready for this however and lost consciousness.

...Part 5 has not been submitted yet...we'll submit soon if enough people like 'em.;)

Steam dragon
January 1, 2006, 05:35 PM
No Wonder I couldn't find it in the search (Pt5)

*Drumming fingers...* "Posted yet?"

For review.
Parts 1,2,3,4,and 6 are posted...

Or did I miss something?:what:

January 1, 2006, 07:15 PM

January 2, 2006, 07:04 AM
...a specially trained U.N. K-9 was in hot pursuit and I knew it would catch me, so before the dog knew what happened I threw my crotch into his jaws. As I distracted the dog with my genitals I planned my next cunning move.

Oh my goodness, that part just about did me in. :D

January 2, 2006, 07:10 AM
I am going to make my wife read this. She thinks all of us gun boys are paraniod. This way she will know the truth.

January 2, 2006, 08:04 AM
:D ROTFL, although I was a little disappointed that you saw the tanks but missed the heliocopters. There are ALWAYS heliocopters when the UN is after you:uhoh:

Browns Fan
January 2, 2006, 08:35 AM
Dude, no black helicopters? What kind of tin hat conspiracist are you?:scrutiny:

Please, give us some black helicopters for the realistic factor!:uhoh:

January 2, 2006, 09:44 AM
where is part 1,2,3,5??

i searched and did not find anything...


by the way, the stories are HILARIOUS! i love it!

January 2, 2006, 10:20 AM
Jeez, thanks for the belly laughs. Post some more!:)

1911 guy
January 2, 2006, 11:01 AM
This is hysterical! Good comedy. Reminds me a bit of the style of Pat McMannus. Every "accident" is a strategically planned event. Good stuff. You post more, I'll read more. Thanks for the laughs.

January 2, 2006, 06:11 PM
glad everyone likes them. If you guys are looking for the under my user name for threads started under general discussions.;)

January 2, 2006, 07:08 PM
:D :D *falls on floor laughing*

January 2, 2006, 07:16 PM
"Part 5 has not been submitted yet...we'll submit soon if enough people like 'em"

How could anybody not like them?:confused:

January 2, 2006, 07:24 PM
These are too good!

There is a black VW bug that parks in front of my house every night. To the untrained eye it appears to be my neighbor's. However, we all know it a government vehicle full of men in black watching me.
The deadly quiet calm in the neighborhood convinces me they will be making their move any time now.

January 2, 2006, 09:02 PM
Part 5...the elusive chapter will come soon.:D

January 2, 2006, 09:03 PM
Part 5...the elusive chapter will come soon.:D

I'm on pins and needles here man! Hurry up! :evil:

January 2, 2006, 09:06 PM
I'm on pins and needles here man! Hurry up! :evil:

January 3, 2006, 06:21 PM
thats good stuff
tell me more these are stories I pass on to the children for generations to come

January 4, 2006, 04:59 PM
glad everyone likes them. If you guys are looking for the under my user name for threads started under general discussions.;)

i searched and came up with nothing... that is, for some reason it wouldn't show results with posts only by you, but pretty much everyone else too. came up with about 10 pages...

January 4, 2006, 06:52 PM
before the dog knew what happened I threw my crotch into his jaws

Oh man, my stomach hurts. Thanks for the laugh.

January 4, 2006, 10:58 PM
Great Stuff!:D :D :D
We want more... We want more... We want more.......

January 5, 2006, 03:38 PM

Okay guys...there are the others. Enjoy.

January 5, 2006, 03:41 PM
Where the heck is part 5????

January 5, 2006, 03:46 PM
Where the heck is part 5????

We like to call it the "elussive 5. :D I know, but I'd have to kill ya. :p

Seriously though, we are working on it. In fact my partner and I thought about hiring a illustrator and drawing these up into a kind of comic book and publishing it. We could roll these out one after another.:eek:

January 5, 2006, 03:51 PM
My God..."Tactical shriek"...that one caused me to pull something. Ohhh....:)

January 5, 2006, 04:05 PM
It ain't Lawdog but it'll do. I started to try one in the vein of Lawdog's style...but I just don't think I have the talent. I just haven't got the I'll go with slapstick. It worked for Larry, Curly and Moe.

January 5, 2006, 04:09 PM
My respect for you just went up 110%...You chose Larry over Shemp!:)

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