Constipated Canadians (solving the French-Canadian problem)


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Drizzt
April 11, 2003, 02:52 PM
Constipated Canadians (solving the French-Canadian problem)


By Nathan Porter
BSNN.net


I was nervous as I stepped off the plane and placed my feet on the soil of a cold and distant land. It's been years since I've traveled to a foreign country and as our troops marched on Baghdad, I was concerned that my presence in a nation renowned for its hatred of Americans (and opposition to the liberation of Iraq ) might result in physical harm to me.

"What brings you to Canada?" snorted the Lucy Liu look-alike standing behind the customs desk.

"Freedom of movement," I thought to myself as I muttered something about skiing.

"Beats starting a war," she shot back.

"I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite," I responded.

"Yeah, well we don't all drive dogsleds either," she said.

I almost expected her to tell me to "take off, hoser," but she didn't. That must just be another misguided stereotype.

(Excerpt from My Journal, March 26, 2003)

A recent survey showed that 90% of Canadians are constipated. I am not making this up. I read it in a newspaper...a Canadian newspaper. And judging from the clenched buttocks crowd in Ottawa (a name that sounds more like a question than the answer), I'd be hard pressed to find proof to the contrary. And now, as Baghdad is about to fall, comes word that after months of obstruction and backbiting, the ruling French elites in Ottawa are close to pushing a belated endorsement of the Bush administration's "mission" in Iraq. Constipated indeed.

This bizarre and blatantly lame move by Chretien comes on the heels of months of discord in Canada over their deteriorating relationship with the US. Recent remarks by Canada's Minister for Natural Resources, Herb Dhaliwal, (who said that George Bush lacked statesmanship), and by Liberal MP Carolyn Parrish (who told reporters: "Damn Americans. I hate those bastards") have received wide press coverage in the US and caused many Americans to react in anger.

And this attitude isn't just a post-9/11 occurrence. Back in April, 2001, Jean Chretien warned Canada that the country was in for four very tough years dealing with George Bush and a new American administration that is largely ignorant of Canada. Chretien privately complained that he had to explain to Bush where Prince Edward Island was, as though knowing that fact is some sort of litmus test for an American president.

Had I not just returned from there, I too might be angry with Canadians, but I am not. When one travels to Canada and mingles with Canadians, one comes face to face with the universal truth that not all governments, evenly freely elected ones, are representative of a nation. Herb Daliwahal and Jean Chretien are no more Canadian than I am. Truth be told, I'm probably more Canadian than either one of them. I like donuts and beer for breakfast.

During my time in Canada two things became crystal clear: they are hopelessly obsessed with indoor heating, and they're hopelessly obsessed with how they are perceived by Americans. It reminds me of the old Molson beer commercial I am Canadian: "I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader. And I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dogsled. And I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Susie from Canada, although I am certain they are really, really nice. I have a Prime Minister, not a President. I speak English and French, not American. And I pronounce it "about" ... not "a-boot." I believe in peacekeeping not policing; Diversity not assimilation; MY NAME IS CHRIS AND I AM CANADIAN!!!"

This Canadian obsession with how the US perceives them is real. A case in point is a recent survey showing 87% of business leaders believe Americans are especially resentful of anti-US comments made by constipated Canadian politicians, with 65% of them warning that the strain is beginning to affect Canadian access to the giant US market. They're also worried about tourism going away. We boycott-happy Americans are scaring folks who think their economy is our next target.

What concerns me about the growing feelings of antagonism toward the Canadians as opposed to, say, the French, is that Canadians are not French. The so-called French-Canadians are, but then if one is French-Canadian they clearly are not Canadian. So I have no qualm with Canadians, who for the most part harbor no cynical feelings of ill will toward us, as shown by several large pro-American rallies held in Canada last week.

What isn't often enough acknowledged on our side of the border, however, is that the problem with Canada, as with much of the world, is the French. If it is possible, I think French-Canadians succeed in being more French than the even the French dare to be. I'm willing to bet that most French-Canadians are so consumed with their Frenchiness that they even consider themselves superior to the French.

It took the British 15 minutes to defeat the French on the Plains of Abraham and take control over what is now Quebec. Since 1763 Quebec has been liberated from the grip of Paris, but 240 years later, the French still seek to dominate and divide ("diversify") Canada along cultural lines.

The French insistence on bilingualism is the most obvious and trite of French impositions on the residents of Canada. Despite the fact that everyone speaks English, Canadians are forced to engage in a redundant game of institutionalized bilingualism that wastes time, money, and productivity that could be better served finding ways to teach the French how to assimilate and play well with others.

Just last month Prime Minster Chretien announced new funding for bilingualism, spending $751 million over the next five years to increase the number of Canadians who speak both official languages, which really means increasing the numbers of real Canadians who speak French. This is French colonialism. This is French oppression. This is not just Canada's problem, it is America's problem.

So while many Americans jokingly say the US should invade France once it's finished with Iraq, I say put Quebec next on the list. Are not the Canadian people entitled to the same level of freedom as Iraqis? Once the coalition has snuffed out the oppressive regime in Baghdad should it not move on to Ottawa, restoring to the Canadian people a government that makes them proud and reflects the feelings of a majority of Canadians?

Judging from the political climate up north, Canadians are miserable over the current riff with the US. To paraphrase Mark Twain, Canada is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they are French. So if having a bad case of the French is synonymous with constipation, then I'd have to agree that 90% of Canadians are constipated...at least.

Canada and the US must learn the lessons of our past: the French have been a thorn in our side for too long. The oppressive, colonialist French regime in Ottawa has a rich history of recklessness and anti-American aggression. We must not allow the French to dominate and oppress the Canadians, for if we do, they will ultimately threaten the United States.

Over 8,000 people braved ice, snow, and SARS to attend a Rally for America in Toronto. I think that says more about Canada than the political constipation practiced by the ruling French regime in Ottawa, and I feel the US should do more for Canada. It is time for the US to free our neighbors to the north. Free Alberta from the French-controlled tyranny in Ottawa. Free Manitoba as well. Free British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Ontario, the Maritime Provinces, even Prince Edward Island. At long last, it is time to free Canada once and for all. If you must engage in boycott, boycott Quebec not Canada.

Despite what many Canadians want you to think, while there I did see a dogsled. I even met a lumberjack named Jimmy and heard "about" pronounced "aboot." But the most interesting thing I heard in Canada was (despite what "Chris from Canada" may say) many Canadians support peacekeeping through policing, and many are demanding separation from an oppressive regime that forces diversity and discourages assimilation by exercising its policing authority. All of which makes me proud to stand and say "I am Canadian, too."

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pax
April 11, 2003, 03:54 PM
And I pronounce it "about" ... not "a-boot."
I called a 1-800 number awhile back, and the woman who answered the phone had a Manitoba accent so thick you could cut it with a knife. After I concluded my business, I asked her, "Are you in Canada?" (I was somewhat puzzled, since it was an American company, with an American mailing address.)

She answered, "Well, yes. How did you know?"

I said, "You said 'aboat.'"

She shot back, "I didn't say 'aboat'! I said, 'aboat.'"

Like I could hear the difference. :rolleyes: :D

pax

Poor Canadians. They could have had French food, British culture, and American efficiency. Instead they got French efficiency, British food, and American culture. At least the beer is good.

SDC
April 11, 2003, 04:07 PM
That writer nailed it on the head; the English may have won the war, but our politicians will make sure that the French win the peace. Our scumbag of a prime minister makes no secret of the fact that he will bend over backwards to appease Quebec, but the rest of the country can go to hell (any guesses as to where he's from?) The Pequistes have been trying to secede from Canada for the last 30 years, and I say "LET THEM GO ALREADY!". However, when they go, it won't be as "friends with bedroom priveleges"; ie. they will have to pay for everything the get for free from the rest of us now. As a Western Canadian, it chaps my hide that Quebec manages to arrange its books so that they qualify as a "have-not" province (ie. they get transfer payments/welfare from the other provinces); of the 13 provinces and territories in Canada, only 3 end up paying more into the pot than they get out (those three being British Columbia, Alberta, and Ontario). Instead of struggling along with the dead weight of the Eastern morass, BC should have joined the US a long time ago, and then the French can play their "You don't respect us; give us MORE money" game all they want.
Rant mode off (for the time being).

LoneStranger
April 11, 2003, 11:15 PM
And here I would have thought that a better test of being Canadian would be the use of Malt Vinegar on your eggs as well as your fried potatoes in the morning.

CZ-75
April 12, 2003, 02:27 AM
Canada, a country formed with the idea that it would have the best of all worlds: French culture, English government, and American know-how. Only it ended up with American culture, French government, and English know-how.


:D

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