Baghdad Bob


April 13, 2003, 11:09 AM

The site is slammed, so it looks like it's not there, but be patient.

Here's a taste to hold you over while the page loads:


-- Current Quote of the Day, 4/12 --

No, MSS did not surface again yesterday. However we are now stunned to hear that he was not fortunate enough to have been honored with the inclusion of his increasingly popular image in the "Death Pack" of cards distributed to coalition forces. We agree with NBC news which called him "curiously absent." For when he finally is included, loyal reader Robert Maxwell Reid sent us the image on the right

4/10 -- M.S.S did not show up for work. However, our intrepid editors have been able to find his actual, final quote from Tuesday. As usual, we are not making this up:

Also, by popular request we now proudly present the "pencil quote":
"The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps," he said, adding that the British and American forces were "immoral mercenaries" and "war criminals" for such behavior.
"I am not talking about the American people and the British people," he said. "I am talking about those mercenaries. ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."

Honorable mention in the "I wish I was M.S.S." category goes to Mohsen Khalil, Iraq's Ambassador to the Arab League for this beauty:
"Iraq will not be defeated. Iraq has now already achieved victory - apart from some technicalities."

-- The All Time Greats --

"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"

"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"

"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"

"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"

"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."

"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."

"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."

"No I am not scared and neither should you be!"

"We have them surrounded in their tanks"

"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"

"Let the American infidels bask in their illusion"

Britain "is not worth an old shoe"

"we have given them a sour taste"

Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."

"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."

"We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards."

“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”

"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"

"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"

"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any
place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are
trying to sell to the others an illusion."

"Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived sentence incomplete as heard. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."

"We will kill them all........most of them."

"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."

"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"

"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."

"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."

"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."

"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"

"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."

"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have
started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We
will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."

"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."

"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"

"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you
with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those
who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these
mercenaries in a crematorium."

"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."

"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"

"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked"

"Desperate Americans"

"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."

"We went into the airport and crushed them, we cleaned the WHOOOLE place out, they were slaughtered"

"Their casualties and bodies are many."

[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"

"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."

"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."

"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."

"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra....Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."

"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."

"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any langer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."

" accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."

"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."

"the louts of colonialism."

"The forces of American colonialism began to drop containers that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. I remind you that they said that their strategy is based on shock and awe. Those failed ones manufactured a type of container that has an explosive substance, which they drop. They cause a very huge explosion in terms of sound, as if the universe was shaken. After a while, you go out and you don't find anything. You find some nails, screws, pieces of metal, but the important thing here is the sound. Those failed ones think that through the huge sound explosion, people would be shocked and consequently would collapse and be defeated. What happened? The contrary. The fighters..., the masses..., and the heroic sons of the Iraqi tribes discovered this game. They will turn it against the American louts so as to shock them. Wait for surprises, God willing, to see how the US game will fail."

"The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way."

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."

"As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in "Wag the Dog". If we succeed in keeping them isolated on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now. This morning, the number of armoured personnel carriers that were destroyed, along with their occupants, is eight. The number of the tanks destroyed is 11."

"Tonight, we will do something unconventional against them. This means: not by the military. We will do something that I believe will become a pretty example for those mercenaries. I would not be giving out a secret when I say that action in the dark against such mercenaries is effective, not through the action of armies. I say that dropping down those mercenaries in a surprise fashion at Saddam Airport without accurate calculations is largely meant for showing things. It's a showy operation. It is a kind of surprise muscle flexing to the world to show it that the shock and awe operation is indeed successful. May they be accursed. Through this operation [shock and awe], they sent a number of their villains and mercenaries to be butchered. Again, and according to my early estimates, unless the remaining part of their soldiers surrender, the chance for their survival is very slim. The surprising thing is that after they threw their soldiers into a place where they are not aware of the real results, the villainous Americans, like Powell and the others, sat in Europe to discuss how to divide Iraq as spoils after the war [laughing]. This means what's post-war. The post-war [Iraq] will be the same current Iraq under the leadership of President Saddam Husayn."

"We will pursue them as war criminals. We will work with all the free people in the world, and they are many, who want someone to bell the cat [i.e.; to do a daring deed], and now we are belling the cat, according to the famous [Arabic] saying so as to rid the UN of those villains. After Iraq aborts the invasion that is being carried out by the American and British villains, the USA will no longer be a superpower. Its deterioration will be rapid. I say to those villains who are meeting in Europe, thinking of launching psychological war and brainwashing: wait. Do not be hasty because your disappointment will be huge. You will reap nothing from this aggressive war, which you launched on Iraq, except for disgrace and defeat. Iraq will continue to exist. Its civilization is 10,000 years old. It will not be changed by villains like the US and British villains."

"W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see
that he is brought to trial"

"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."

"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of

"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center
of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind."

"We have destroyed 50 tanks today. That 5-ohhh tanks" [while holding up his fingers]

"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."

Americans are "wild donkeys"

"There are no Iraqis disguising themselves"

"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place"

"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish
mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a
quagmire and they will never get out of it."

"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."

"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. ... The battle is very
fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues."

"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."

"We're going to drag the drunken junkie nose of Bush through Iraq's desert, him and his follower dog Blair...There are 26 million Saddams in Iraq"

"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"

"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"

"They will come and we will slap them about the head and then kick them on their backsides when they leave"

About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."

About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."

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April 13, 2003, 11:21 AM
I thought I'd cut out a couple of choice favorites for people in a hurry. This is the funniest stuff to hit the net since the mall ninja.

- Gabe :) "We will kill them all........most of them.""NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?""Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any langer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."and my all time favorite:"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"That one just explains it all right there doesn't it. I love it.

- Gabe

April 13, 2003, 12:07 PM
Said al-Shahaf should become the spokesman of the Democratic National Committee as he shares their worldview. Just think what this guy would have pulled out of his hat after the 2002 midterm elections!

Mike Irwin
April 13, 2003, 12:20 PM
I can tell you exactly where Baghdad Bob is...

He's taken a guest columnist gig with the New York Times...

April 13, 2003, 12:23 PM
He should have his own show on cable.

Calamity Jane
April 13, 2003, 12:26 PM
Hubby and I have bestowed upon Baghdad Bob a new title: The Minister of Mouth. :D

He's sure good for a chuckle, isn't he? :)

April 13, 2003, 12:31 PM
He's even spawned a new word or two:

To "al-Sahaf", v. (I al-Sahaf, you al-Sahaf, he/she/it al-Sahafs): To lie so brazenly and sincerely about well-known facts that your listeners begin to wonder who's crazy, you or they. "He al-Sahafed for so long about the sky being green that I finally had to run to the window and check." :D

April 13, 2003, 12:43 PM
"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves" Ok, yes, the Middle East may be the cradle of civilization but what have you done lately? Saying something like that is like a 30-year-old loser clinging to all the triumphs he had as a quarterback in high school.

Personally, I think this guy should co-host on Jimmy Kimmel Live for a week or two.:)

Dan Morris
April 13, 2003, 03:40 PM
Perhaps the Dems could use Bob for a speech writer......LMAO

April 13, 2003, 03:43 PM
Is it too late for him to argue the 2000 election in front of the Supreme Court?:D

April 13, 2003, 04:56 PM
and I mean the guy already has a built in audience draw factor, including world wide visual recognition, so.. why not?

Baghdad Bob's World News Tonight!

ya gotta admit, for New York or Hollywood that idea has potential!


April 13, 2003, 06:24 PM

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."

Kind of like: "I wasn't there, and even if I was there, I didn't do it. And even if I did do it, it wasn't me."

Don Gwinn
April 13, 2003, 07:07 PM
Seriously, if MSNBC or CNN could get him. . . . I'd watch.

Glock Glockler
April 13, 2003, 07:09 PM
I really love this guy, and there are very few men I'll admit to loving. He doesn't let reality slow him down one bit, I wish I could be more like that.

Dan Morris
April 13, 2003, 07:19 PM
Hel, he has as much common sense as Giraldol!!!!!

April 13, 2003, 08:31 PM
If Baghdad Bob had a show on one of the major "news" channels, it would be the highest rated show on the air.

For the first couple weeks. But after the novelty wore off, not many would continue to tune in.

April 13, 2003, 10:50 PM
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."ROTFLMMFAO!!!!1 :D :D :D

How can you shoot a guy that is that funny? LMBFAO!!!

Calamity Jane
April 14, 2003, 12:00 AM
How can you shoot a guy that is that funny? LMBFAO!!!

My sentiments exactly! The entertainment value of this guy is simply off the charts!! :D :D :D :D

April 14, 2003, 12:02 AM
Have you ever noticed, he looks kind of like Dustin Hoffman? Dustin, who can come out in such believable drag or play an autistic idiot savant so perfectly could take on this role. I wonder if he really IS Dustin??? His nose is too small for Bill Clinton and Bill would have trouble with anything but a hayseed accent but Dustin? Perfect!

April 14, 2003, 01:01 AM
Not just funny, but amazingly clever: this guy has himself all set up for an insanity defense at any war crimes trials... :p

April 14, 2003, 02:32 AM
the British mongols and the Imperialist Americans have destroyed Saddam's regime, but... we crushed their shovels! :confused:


Mr. Bush is scratching around in caves and we cut up his snakes I promise you! In one hour!

Yeah.....K-Mart sucks


Now appearing at Ceaser's Palace in Las Vegas, "Desert Storm III: Baghdad Bob and his hand puppet...Topo Gigio: "S'aright?

April 14, 2003, 11:08 AM
"Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted." This one's actually quite true. :D


April 14, 2003, 11:09 AM
all your base are belong to us

April 18, 2003, 10:14 PM

Baghdad, Iraq- Emerging from the smoke filled streets, and bunkers somewhere in Baghdad, the former Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed as-Sahaf, greeted the international press with news he accepted the position of spokesperson, with a leading US tobacco firm.

Mohammed Saeed as-Sahaf wanted to make it very clear that he cut ties with the Iraqi Government and would not be fielding questions about a rumor that Baghdad had fallen.

"I'm here today to dispel rumors about the dangerous effects of Camels. WAR KILLS, NOT CAMELS", Saeed as-Sahaf insisted, as he proudly held up an oversized pack of Camels".

"Doctor's in the United States have been misleading the American people with bull****, plain old scare tactic bull****. They cannot connect cancer with Camels, so they come up with Hollywood style theatrics in a feeble attempt to brainwash the public. I'd like to meet this "Surgeon General" of yours, if he wants a War, by the grace of God, I'll give him a Holy Camel War".

"I can tell you that I have been sucking on Camels since I was a child, aside from a few kicks in the nuts, I'm in perfect health". Everyone in Iraq loves their Camels, everyone.

"I can still remember my first Camel, it's an experience I will never forget, never.....".

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf told reporters he looks forward to fighting the War on Camels in the United States, on behalf of the American people.

RJ Reynulds refused to accept our invitation to an interview.

Too bad it's bogus. However, I think he should become the president of the Screen Actors Guild.

April 18, 2003, 10:40 PM
A friend who is a Red Sox fan sent me this (guess which team I root for?):

"A real YES man
> By Jim Caple
> Page 2 columnist
> >
> Editor's note: Iraqi information minister Mohammad Saeed Al-Sahhaf gained
> infamy in recent weeks for defiant proclamations that often ran 180
> degrees opposite of reality. What career might await such a man in the
> post-Saddam world? Page 2 speculates ...
> > "It is high! It is far! It is gone! Another six-run homer for the Yanks!"
> MICHAEL KAY: Hello, Yankees fans, and welcome to another night of exciting
> Yankees baseball, with Andy Pettite and the Bronx Bombers taking on Pedro
> Martinez and the Red Sox in a meeting between the greatest rivals in
> sports. In addition to the great game, we have a special treat for you
> tonight. Joining me in the booth is my new broadcast partner and the
> newest member of the YES crew, Mohammad Saeed Al-Shahhaf, the former Iraqi
> information minister.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Good evening, infidels! Praise Steinbrenner!
> KAY: I must say, Mohammad, it's a beautiful night for baseball.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: I swear to you by all that is holy that the moon will run
> crimson with the blood of the Boston infidels before this night is over!
> Already, the indomitable Yankees lead by seven runs, and the corrupt Red
> Sox are fleeing the stadium! They have forfeited the game and are
> returning to their homes to lick their wounds like the pathetic curs they
> are! Run like the wind, you stooges of western imperialism, and take your
> odor with you! You should never have stepped foot in our kingdom! Your
> arrogance has sealed your doom and condemned your children and your
> children's children to lives of slavery!
> KAY: Well, we certainly hope that's the way it turns out tonight,
> Mohammad, but actually, we're still waiting for the managers to exchange
> lineup cards. ...
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Welcome back, infidels! The great Jason Giambi has just
> hit the Mother of All Home Runs and the indomitable Yankees have extended
> their lead to 12-3 over the outlaw Red Sox, chasing that most despicable
> of creatures, Pedro Martinez, from the mound! Retreat to the showers, you
> foul hurler, you malodorous tyrant! You shame your ancestors and defile
> the sacred Yankee Stadium soil!
> KAY: I think you misspoke slightly there, Mohammad. The Yankees actually
> trail Pedro and the Red Sox by a score of 7-1 here in the bottom of the
> fifth. But here's some good news for Yankees fans. The Devil Rays beat the
> Blue Jays by a score of 5-3 this afternoon, which puts Toronto 9½ games
> behind the Yankees.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: The enemy of my enemy is my friend! Praise Steinbrenner!
> KAY: And that reminds me Mohammad, there still are great seats remaining
> for the Yankees' series with the Orioles during the next homestand.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Keep your rainchecks handy, infidels -- I personally
> guarantee you the series will not take place! The world will see! The
> cowardly birds will not dare to invade our borders!
> KAY: We also should mention the great promotion the Yankees have for the
> series after that.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: It is true! In a humbly insufficient tribute to our great
> and brave leader -- praise Steinbrenner! -- the Yankees will give away
> solid gold idols in the image of the mighty Boss! Hand-sculpted, each is
> valued at $30,000 yet will be distributed freely without obligation to the
> first 200,000 fans attending next Saturday's game with Minnesota! These
> are truly heirlooms that will demand a place of honor in the homes of all
> Yankees fans!
> KAY: Actually, I think it's Jorge Posada bobblehead night but it's still a
> swell giveaway. ...
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Bernie steps back into the box as all New York holds its
> breath ... the war criminal Martinez peers in for the sign ... he winds
> and delivers ... swung on and belted deep to left! It's going ... going
> Yankees lead is 12 runs and Martinez has collapsed on the mound!
> BOO-YAH!!!
> KAY: Actually Mohammad, I think that was a called third strike on Giambi.
> And it leaves the score 14-2 in favor of Boston with the bases empty and
> the Yankees down to their final out. Mohammad, I guess it's just not the
> Yankees night.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: We have the infidels just where we want them! Manager Joe
> Torre has cleverly led the scarlet-hosed stooges into a noose from which
> there is no escape! The Red Sox child general manager Epstein has
> dispatched his players on a suicide mission! We shall humble this New
> England gang of villains and leave their bones to dry in the desert sun as
> a warning to our enemies! Praise Steinbrenner!
> KAY: Yes, well, I guess that's like Yogi said, It ain't over 'til it's
> over. Anyway, here's the pitch ... Matsui swings and pops it up ...
> Garciaparra is under it and ... he squeezes it for the final out. And
> that's the old ballgame.
> SAEED AL-SAHHAF: The Yankees win! Thaaaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa Yankees win!
> Jim Caple is a senior writer for

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