The LawDog Files


April 17, 2006, 07:18 PM
There was a young man who moved to our town named Frederick who managed to get all over my wrong side in a hurry.

Near as I can tell, his mama gave him anything he wanted from the time he learned to point. In her eyes, he could do absolutely no wrong.

He was, in plain language, spoiled bloody rotten. Top this with the fact that Frederick was 5 foot, 4 inches tall and the possessor of one well-fed Napoleon Complex, should enable anyone to forsee the trail of smacked-around girlfriends, lost brawls, unreturned rental movies, unpaid gasoline, burn-out marks, skipped bills, hot checks, harrassing phone calls, and a record number of Public Disturbance and Disorderly Conduct calls -- except, apparently, his mother. Who also moved to our fair town.

I believe he holds the record for shooting to the top of the Sheriff's Smoke List.

There I was...

I was patrolling the west side of town one balmy Friday night, when about 3 in the A.M. I saw headlights up the street that looked ... wrong.

I pulled up to the house and immediately discovered that the reason the headlights looked wrong, was that they were coming from a car high-centred on the bank of a koi pond occupying the front lawn of a corner residence.

From the trail of brutally slaughtered garden gnomes, it appeared that the driver of the car had chosen a spot some twenty feet shy of the stop sign to make a right turn.

I parked the cruiser at the curb, turned on the lightbar and picked my way through the gnomic massacre to the drivers side of the expensive European convertible sportscar.

Since the window was rolled down, I could clearly see that the drivers seat was occupied by my favorite Frederick, who was making very careful movements of the steering wheel while peering blearily, albeit intently, through the windshield.

I cleared my throat, "Ahem. Sheriff's Office."

Freddie practically jumped out of the seat, whipped around and stared at me like a deer caught in headlights.

I waggled my fingers at him.

Freddie reached down and pushed the 'UP' button for the driver's side window, closing the convertible's window in my face (I guess), very carefully engaged the right hand turn signal, and gently turned the steering wheel to the right. The engine revved politely.

I stepped back and looked at the koi pond. Yep, still high-centred.

I will admit that I waited until Freddie had released a massive sigh of relief and shakily wiped his mouth before I tapped on the window glass.

I'm evil that way sometimes.

Young Freddie jumped damned near a foot out of the seat, clutched his fists to his chest and stared at me in a mixture of absolute confusion and just a bit of panic.

I made cranking motions with my hand. Freddie continued to stare at me. Getting a little irritated, I reached over the top of the window, unlocked and opened the door. Freddie promptly scrambled into the passenger seat, curled up into a little ball and began a loud, rapid, and totally unconvincing snoring.

I performed a Migraine Salute. Freddie peered at me through one eye, then began to snore even louder and faster. I moved the transmission into 'P', turned off the engine, dropped the keys into my pocket, walked around to the passenger side, and said politely, "Sheriff's Office, Freddie. Step out of the vehicle, please."

To which Young Freddie yelped, "Can'tsh choo shee I'm as... asleep?! Fug, funk, **** off, joo dumb***!"

I'm not exactly sure what the alcohol had been telling Freddie, but I don't think me getting a satisfying double handful of the front of his silk shirt and snatching him out the passenger seat of his car was part of the plan.

I love convertibles.

We wound up nose-to-nose, his toes a good six inches off the turf, and me smiling a very large, not-very-friendly-smile. "Are you awake now, Fred...Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what the hell have you been drinking?"

"Scroo ... screwd ... screwdrivers, joo fug ... fickin', ****ing maroon, no, moron."

"Okay, Freddie, let's go over to the nice cop car."

"Whafer ... wotsifor ... why?"

"Because I said so, Freddie."

"Joo got gotta tell me wha's ... why Ah'm bein' adrested for."

"Gnomicide and suspected DWI. You want to walk to my cruiser, or do I drag you?"

"'M gonna home. Choo .. joo talk to by lagyer in ... de ... de morn, 'Ey! Leggo de eer! Ear! Choo gogda by eer!"

We arrived at the cruiser, I retrieved Freddies wallet and called the S.O. to report my location and run a 27/28 and a 29. I noticed that while I was on the radio, Freddie was snivelling into one of those new-fangled cell phones. To his lawyer, I assumed.


I got my business done on the radio, gently inquired if Freddie wanted to perform some Standardized Field Sobriety Exercises, relieved Freddie of the phone, repeated my inquiry about the SFSEs, to which Freddie replied loudly and profanely in the affirmative.

He then proceeded to fail the SFSEs. Spectacularly.

Which led to Freddie getting hooked up and put into the back of the cruiser. Because it was a balmy Texas night (and to give Freddie somewhere other than the floorboard to hork, when required) I compassionately left the back window down.

I had just finished telling Dispatch to find a tow-truck driver with some experience at improvisation when I noticed a car hauling tail up the road towards my location. Said car screeched to a halt behind my cruiser with one tire perched comfortably on the curb, and the peroxide blonde driver exploded out and began to stomp to the cruiser. I jumped out, pointed at Freddie's mama and firmly said, "We've had this discussion before, Darla. Remember the words: 'Interfering with the Duty of an Officer'?"

"Why are you arresting my baby?!"


"Oh, baby! You're in handcuffs! Why is he in handcuffs!?"

"That would be under the 'arresting' part, Darla. Driving While Intoxicated." I gestured towards the car, the koi pond and the lawn with its pitiful population of decapitated Little Folk.

"He shaid ... said I kildt a ganomey. I din't meen too, but hesh wouldn't gegt ... get ... off my way! I'd hoknt de horn and evvrthing! Idt washn't my fault!" bawled Freddie.

"Darla, he drove his car over that lawn. He reeks of booze and he failed every single one of his sobriety tests. He's drunk, he was driving, and he's going to jail just as soon as the wrecker gets here."

"Bull****! My baby doesn't get drunk. Nobody can pass those ****ing sobriety tests! See?" Matching actions to words, Darla flung her head back, attempted to stab herself in the eye with a polycarbonate fingernail and tumbled against the side of my cruiser.

I immediately began to help her up, when I noticed that Darla's eyes were...awfully bloodshot. And under the pungent whiff of Chanel ... was that ... booze? Darla smacked my helping paw away and stood, swaying ever so gently, with her hands on her hips.

"See? My baby can't pass those tests because nobody can pass those ****ing tests!"

"Yeah!" yelped Freddie.

My smile was probably beatific.

"Actually, Freddie did the tests over here in front of the cruiser, where there's light."

Darla stomped around the front of my cruiser, attempted to touch her nose and caught herself on the hood of my car, glaring triumphantly at me.

"He also tried the walk-and-turn. Want me to show you how it's supposed to be done?"

"I ****ing know how it's supposed to be done!" So saying, she promptly failed that one, too. An angelic choir was softly singing hosannas in my ear, as I gently mentioned that Freddie had failed the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus, and surely she...

"I bet I've got a nystagmus too! Check and see!?"

"Yeah!" announced Freddie.

How could I say no?

When I was done with my light, Darla looked at me triumphantly, "See? What did I tell you?"

"You are totally correct, Darla," I said, feeling around for my spare set of handcuffs on the gear shift of the cruiser, "You said you'd fail the sobriety tests, and you did. Each and everyone."

"So, you're going to let my baby go?"

"Hell, no." I waved the handcuffs at her.

Took me five minutes to get that biting, screaming, kicking, clawing, spitting, cussing hellcat into the cruiser, I'm here to tell you.

Worth it, though.


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April 17, 2006, 07:31 PM

LawDog, I freely admit my ignorance Migraine Salute ? Could you please explain ?

Thank you


PS Like your Blog, did you ever finish part3 of the pink gorilla suit ?:D

April 17, 2006, 07:35 PM
For the proper execution of the Migraine Salute:

1. Look down.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Pinch the bridge of your nose with your thumb and forefinger.
4. Shake your head slightly back-and-forth.

Voila! You have now executed a Migraine Salute. Go forth and use this power wisely, young Jedi.


April 17, 2006, 07:43 PM
excelent as always :D , keep up the good work LawDog

April 17, 2006, 07:59 PM
Ah, alcohol. While too often the catalyst that makes jerks into dangerous a-holes, it at least gives us the chance to speed them on their way to jail for an all too brief respite from their unfortunate existence. Too bad libertarianism and pre-approving procreation are contradictory. Some people just plain shouldn't be breedin'. :barf:

James T Thomas
April 17, 2006, 07:59 PM

Of course, you realise that Fred and mom will "be back." That surely has to be the difficult part; frustrating part of enforcement of the law that can burn you out.

Some, or even most, never "learn." Don't let it embitter you at some latter time in your carreer, if you encounter them again, at which time this enactment of the human tradgedy will require even more stringent punishment from the courts, and yet there will probably be no recognition of any violation on their part!

From my civilian viewpoint, the motor vehicle violations of a "moving" nature; i.e. DUI, reckless driving, high speeds, are right up there as the most serious things that you will encounter. Life and death. No less than assault with deadly weapons, which you surely will not come across as often, if at all.
Yet, there it is right on the highways. Death -just as dead as if being shot.

Take care of yourself officer. And know that as soon as Fred and the "likes of him," have been removed, there will be another along shortly. Pace yourself.


April 17, 2006, 08:21 PM
When are you going to write the book, LawDog?

I want an autographed copy!


April 17, 2006, 08:29 PM
Probably your best story yet!! Obviously not the brightest family in the whole world.

Dusty Rusty
April 17, 2006, 08:30 PM
Lawdog--you sure do have a way with words. You really should publish your stories. I laugh myself silly every time I read about your adventures. I work in a prison and can really relate to any type of excuse a person can give. Keep up the great work---don't get burned out and most of all stay safe!!!!
Thanks for the laughs.

Standing Wolf
April 17, 2006, 09:06 PM
You really should publish your stories.

If that was a motion, please consider it seconded.

Henry Bowman
April 17, 2006, 09:35 PM
No, I want to see it as a regular TV series. Has to be funnier than "My Name is Earl" and the rest out there.

April 17, 2006, 10:59 PM
Wonder if he'd get the death penalty for this one?

Thanks for the story dog!

April 17, 2006, 11:17 PM
Dawg done went from Paydirt to Motherload...Dawg done good!

Thank You Sir!



Pork Fat
April 17, 2006, 11:24 PM
Thanks for sharing, Lawdog.

Frederick's Mama sounds like a tasty dish.:eek:

April 18, 2006, 12:35 AM

Excellent story ... only thing that could have made it better would have been a pink gorilla suit :neener:

April 18, 2006, 01:48 AM
Dawg, you haven't been writing enough. Some folks are starting to get pretty darn serious on us.

Jamie C.
April 18, 2006, 02:05 AM
..I've hurt myself. :uhoh:

A fellow really shouldn't laugh this hard.....

Damn, LawDog.... almost makes me wish I was still reeling in the drunks around here.... almost. ;)

You really should meet our own "Otis" here... 21 counts of "1st offense D.U.I", last I heard... ( Don't ask me how this kind'a crap happens... He apparently knows the right people. :cuss: )

The man was apprehended once while upside-down in a ditch.... still shifting gears in his truck. Should'a seen the look on his face when the officer hit the button on the seatbelt buckle... :evil:

Anyway, thanks for the laugh... Just what I needed.

Stay safe, and keep 'em coming.


April 18, 2006, 02:14 AM
Don't you love how drunk people think their smart enough to perform brain surgery? :barf:


April 18, 2006, 02:25 AM
Okay, you now owe the Navy foir one "slightly" used keyboard full of coffee...:D
Great one, and like others, it reminds me of a few folks I know!

April 18, 2006, 03:14 AM
I dig it.:D

April 18, 2006, 03:39 AM
Nice story, written well.

I agree: write a book.

AND, to top it all, you've written a longer story than Steve.
{No small feat, said, of course, with much respect for Steve's stories. :) }

And, where is Mssr. Freddie now?


April 18, 2006, 07:12 AM
Where can one get an official description of the subject?

Best regards, Alexey

April 18, 2006, 07:40 AM
Wow, thanks for that Lawdog!

Good thing I wasn't drinking coffee this morning yet while reading that!

BTW you need to write a book!


April 18, 2006, 07:52 AM

April 18, 2006, 09:05 AM
Thanks, Lawdog - there's a valuable lesson here . . . rolling the window up will not keep the officer out of my convertible if the top is down . . . :D

April 18, 2006, 09:09 AM
Can't wait for the bound-and-published volumes of "Law Dog Files"...

Law Dog might end up in trouble himself, though, from all the folks that get injured while ROTFL, those needing surgery to repair sides split from laughter, etc....:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

From Law Dog's later post, that description of the "Migraine Salute" is perfect. If you need a video of the M.S., find a couple of episodes from the old TV Series "Get Smart", when Max is talking with "The Chief"....

Law Dog...keep 'em coming. We all need some comic relief from time to least one good adventure a week.

p.s. A disclaimer about keyboards & monitors not being safe while reading might also be in order.........I have lost count of the number of splashed monitors and drowned keyboards...gotta be at least a thousand by now.

Law Dog Files are the reason I have a 19" monitor at my I can roll far enough back that I CANNOT drown another keyboard with a diet-coke assisted sinus cleanout....

April 18, 2006, 09:13 AM
That was priceless. I deal with more than my fair share of drunk college students...but that story tops any of ours...atleast mine...THough the white guy telling the Campus police "You're just arresting me 'cause I'm black." was a pritty funny storry.:cool:

Matt G
April 18, 2006, 09:21 AM
SFST is Standardized Field Sobriety Test. I'm guessing that SFSE is "examination", or typo.

April 18, 2006, 09:26 AM
Standardized Field Sobriety Examinations (SFSE) were what we called SFSTs back in the Dark Ages of the 1990's.


April 18, 2006, 09:29 AM
"You really should publish your stories."

"If that was a motion, please consider it seconded."

Consider it thirded.:) Love the story. Makes me want to get drunk so I can be funny*:D .

*Just kidding.

April 18, 2006, 09:42 AM
Funny stuff.


April 18, 2006, 09:46 AM
Lawdog you need to turn your exploits into episodes of Reno 911. I can see junior in the gorrilla suit. Maybe Dangle could arrest the guy for gnomicide.

April 18, 2006, 12:18 PM
I figured it would be another funny one. When I got to "the trail of brutally slaughtered garden gnomes", I knew I wouldn't be disappointed!

Thanks Law Dog.

April 18, 2006, 06:24 PM
He was, in plain language, spoiled bloody rotten. Top this with the fact that Frederick was 5 foot, 4 inches tall and the possessor of one well-fed Napoleon Complex, should enable anyone to forsee the trail of smacked-around girlfriends, lost brawls, unreturned rental movies, unpaid gasoline, burn-out marks, skipped bills, hot checks, harrassing phone calls, and a record number of Public Disturbance and Disorderly Conduct calls -- except, apparently, his mother. Who also moved to our fair town.

Sounds like a young man I'll be meeting here at TYC soon enough.

I'll tell his mom you said "Hi"... ;)

Great work, LawDog... :cool:

April 18, 2006, 07:54 PM
Another "job well done". Keep them coming!

loud-mouth shnook
April 18, 2006, 11:44 PM
'Bout doggone time you favored us with another one.
Gawd, how I love that stuff. Can't thank you enough, sir.

April 19, 2006, 09:42 PM
This one's going to work. We have 2 retired SO and 1 retired city LE just started driving school bus this year and they need a pick-me-up once in awhile. :D:D:D

Thank you SIR!.

Where's the book?


April 20, 2006, 09:37 AM
PLEASE,please,please put all these files in a book!:p
I LOVE reading them!

April 20, 2006, 10:49 AM
gave me a good my coworkers "prarie dogging" over the cubicle walls at me for laughing so loudly.

yet another quality addition.

keep up the good work...and thank you!

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