Need a letter proofread


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Justin
May 7, 2003, 03:18 AM
Hey all, I've written a letter that is meant to be consumed by legiscreatures. But before I go and stuff envelopes all willy-nilly, I'd appreciate a quick proofreading from some of you.

__________________________

Dear Congressperson so-and-so,

As you may or may not be aware, Title XI of the Federal Crime Control Act of 1994
bans so-called high-capacity ammunition feeding devices manufactured after Sept 13, 1994 is set to sunset in Sept of 2004, two months before the next congressional election.

I submit that this ban on these items has had no effect on the rates or methods used in the commission of violent crime. In fact, a study by the Clinton justice dept. found no reduction in crime as a result of the magazine ban and concluded that:

The ban has failed to reduce the average number of victims per gun murder incident or multiple gunshot wound victims.

This law is arbitrary and irrational because it states that a magazine made before Sept 13, 1994 is legal to own yet the same piece of stamped metal made 24 hours later is a felony to possess unless one is affiliated with law enforcement.

http://www.justinotis.com/JustinOtis/goof/mags.jpg

(Magazine A was made before 1994, and therefore legal to own for all civilians. Magazine B is for the same make and model of gun, but was made after 1994, and is therefore illegal for civilians not affiliated with law enforcement to possess.*)

How is it rational to justify locking someone up for possession of a piece of stamped metal made after a certain date? How is that fair, or just, or for the pragmatist, enforceable? Why is it alright for a police officer to carry a gun with magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but upon retirement he is not considered trustworthy enough to be allowed to use those same magazines to defend his family? Why, for that matter, is the rest of the population considered so untrustworthy?
This law has had no impact on crime, is completely irrational, and has done nothing but contribute to the animosity between the law enforcement community and the rest of the civilian population. On top of that, this onerous bit of legislative ignorance has done much to breed contempt for the lawmakers that passed it- at least the ones that survived the subsequent election cycle. This law is neither effective nor sensible nor rational. If you vote to renew this law, don’t expect me to vote for you, nor any of my friends, nor my family.

Cordially,
Name

*Please not that the image of the Law Enforcement Only magazine pictured was in fact created through the use of digital photo-editing software. I wasn’t about to go out and commit a felony just to get a photograph. (Original photo credit: Oleg Volk)
_____________________________________

Ok, photo credit goes to Oleg Volk, though I did some fairly heavy modification from the original image. (I hope he doesn't mind.)

The biggest part that I think might have some problems is the bit with the explanation of the post-ban magazine. I know it's overly dramatic but that was my point- to get the reader to think 'wow, just by having one of those, he could be thrown in jail?' Hopefully something like that would get the ol' gears turning in their head. But is that an idea from too far out in left-field?
:confused:

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Jim March
May 7, 2003, 03:57 AM
Looks fine as is.

Mind you, the message to BUSH is a lot shorter:

"Look you moron, supporting the "assault weapon" ban isn't going to make any idiot sheeple twits vote for you. It'll make one HELL of a lot of pro-freedom folks vote Libertarian or stay home. ASK YOUR POP IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME."

:rolleyes:

pax
May 7, 2003, 04:38 AM
Letter looks pretty good. A few nitpicks here and there...

As you may or may not be aware, Title XI of the Federal Crime Control Act of 1994 bans so-called high-capacity ammunition feeding devices manufactured after Sept 13, 1994 is set to sunset in Sept of 2004, two months before the next congressional election.
This sentence is murky.

Here's one possible revision:
"Title XI of the Federal Crime Control Act of 1994, which bans so-called high-capacity ammunition feeding devices manufactured after Sept. 13, 1994, is set to sunset in September of 2004, two months before the next congressional election."

Or perhaps,
"As you may be aware, Title XI of the Federal Crime Control Act of 1994 bans high-capacity ammunition feeding devices manufactured after Sept. 13, 1994. This Act is to sunset in September of 2004, two months before the next congressional election."

In fact, a study by the Clinton justice dept. found no reduction ...
Spell out "department." Looks a little more professional that way.

Why is it alright for a police officer to carry a gun with magazines that hold more than ten rounds...
"All right" is two words. Alright is not all right, grammatically speaking. ;)

If you vote to renew this law, don’t expect me to vote for you, nor any of my friends, nor my family.
You just said you won't vote for your family and friends. Oops.

"If you vote to renew this law, I will not vote for you -- nor will most of my friends and family. Vote AGAINST renewing the Federal Crime Control Act of 1994."

Couldn't tell if the following was part of your letter or not, but just in case: *Please not that the image of the Law Enforcement Only magazine ...
Should be, "Please note that the ..."

Make sure and pay attention to proper titles and headers. If it were an email, I'd advise you to put "Vote AGAINST renewing the Federal Crime Control Act of 1994" in the subject field. As a hard copy, your letter gets a bit more attention if you have a clear statement of what you want them to do ("Vote AGAINST HB #----" etc) at the top, memo-style, or at least by itself somewhere in the body of the message.

Pretty good letter. Please forgive my taking you at your word and pulling it apart... :)

pax

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent,hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them. -- Lily Tomlin

Khornet
May 7, 2003, 07:53 AM
no, three:
Justin composed a fine, articulate letter.
He has the wisdom to submit it for proofreading.
We have a moderator with a good sense of grammar and composition.

I love it.

Henry Bowman
May 7, 2003, 11:27 AM
Anticipate the (bogus) counter-argument to why this thing is legal and that one manufactured later is illegal.

That is: "We would ban them all if we thought we could. But we're not sure that we can or that you all would tolerate it the way you have the '94 AWB. At least this ban limits the number of those awful, evil things "on the streets" and there won't be any more of them made to replace the ones that wear out, are confiscated, lost, etc. The only reason we allow LEO's and Gov. to get new ones is because we are "out gunned" by all the drug dealers and patriots (did I say that out loud?) out there and we have to be able to keep you safe.:scrutiny:



:banghead: Don't assume that they "get it."

general
May 7, 2003, 11:44 AM
How is that fair, or just, or for the pragmatist, enforceable?
Question them...
"Do you believe this is fair, or even enforceable?"

Why, for that matter, is the rest of the population considered so untrustworthy?
Speak To them....
"Why, for that matter, is the rest of the population so unworthy of your trust?"

This law has had no impact on crime, is completely irrational, and has done nothing but contribute to the animosity between the law enforcement community and the rest of the civilian population.
Clarify/Make the statement....
"This law has had no impact on crime. Furthermore, it is not only irrational, but it has also done much to contribute to the animosity between the law enforcement community and the rest of the civilian population."

This law is neither effective nor sensible nor rational.
Question their thought process...
"The support of law which is neither effective, sensible nor rational, is in my opinion the most reprehensible of all legislative acts."

Just my $.02 worth... but what you have IS good....although I must confess I just love using "reprehensible" in any communication with my legislators regarding ANY firearms laws.
Go get 'em Justin!......"legiscreatures"-I love that!!:D

Justin
May 7, 2003, 01:59 PM
Jim- lol. If I decide to send a letter to the prez, it may very well take a form similar to the one you suggested. I like that. A lot.

Pax- Thanks for going through the letter and making the suggestions, especially the small grammatical and spelling nitpicks that I've missed.

Henry- I have no delusions about these people being on our side, or really even open-minded. However, I figure that the effort it takes to put together a letter is really pretty miniscule, so I may as well do it. Maybe, just maybe someone will get the point.

General-Thanks for the suggestions. I integrated your chagnes into the letter.

Frohickey
May 7, 2003, 03:31 PM
Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have a list of Congresscritters and Senaticks that were voted out of office after 1994, crosschecked against how they voted on the AW/Normal Capacity Mag Ban?

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