More Evil Squirrel...


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Steel Talon
August 15, 2006, 12:21 AM
A story for your enjoyment
Peace
Steel Talon:cool:
______________________________________________


I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile suddenly shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leaped!

I am sure the scream was squirrel for "Bonzai !" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.

As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing ...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil little rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Valkyrie Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of.

Spectacularly sort of .. so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really ... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. AND NOW HE HAS A PATROL CAR. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

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Dravur
August 15, 2006, 01:07 AM
Shenanigans!

The Guy
August 15, 2006, 01:22 AM
"shenanigans" I am going to pistol whip!

Hey Farva, what's the name of that place you like to eat at?

What, do you mean Shenanigans?

Any way, funny story. I met that squirrel's cousin going up the enclosed ladder of one of our silos last winter, but it was a grouchy racoon. At the top.:what:

I lost the discussion of who exactly had right of way in said enclosed ladder on the side of said silo. I also lost the further discussion on who exactly owned said silo, what ever the paper work and recepts might otherwise claim. You might just call the whole thing a discussion and object lesson on the whole "theory" of might makes right. And I lost that one too.:eek:

cassandrasdaddy
August 15, 2006, 01:39 AM
i had not had much iteraction with racoons till one day one was outside the fence riling my dogs. it was acting strange real aggresive so i went to fix it. i was so unhinged that i took my shot from porch roof after going upstairs to get 12 guage. dogs(usually a pack that can pull down deer.0 were scared too.
thank god the electric fence kept it away from dogs it turned out to be rabid

el44vaquero
August 15, 2006, 02:11 AM
I think this was a Law Dog story.

The Guy
August 15, 2006, 02:28 AM
Me, I'm just waiting for the "Evil Ninja Squirel vs. Titan 'Coon" cagematch. Probably on pay per veiw, so I'll have to wait for the DVD to come out as well.

Hoppy590
August 15, 2006, 12:48 PM
i gotta admit. i stoped reading Nightcrawlers story and found this much more interesting, if only brief.

HILARIOUS. iv yet to stop laughing.

High Planes Drifter
August 15, 2006, 02:00 PM
I dont know if the story is true or not, I really dont care. It was the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Thanks, I needed that:neener:

qlajlu
August 15, 2006, 02:40 PM
I dont (sic) know if the story is true or not, I really dont (sic) care. It was the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Thanks, I needed that
I have to admit, that really was funny.

ceetee
August 15, 2006, 08:59 PM
With permission, that story's gonna make the rounds of our entire e-mail system tomorrow a.m.

As all of my dealings with squirrels have been of the more mundane stripe, I'll endeavor to give full credit where credit is... ummm... due. :neener:

dave5339
August 15, 2006, 09:26 PM
Talon,

That is a fantastic story! Worthy of being compared to Lawdog's writings. My ribs still hurt from laughing so hard.

I've got to say that I met your squirrels distant cousin before...

From the “Strange stuff that happens while riding bicycles…..”

The story of Stupid the rabid/suicidal attack squirrel

Here it is, a nice beautiful day. I’m riding my bike up the trail and minding my own business. It’s my first day back on the road bike, I’ve got a slight downhill and a light tail wind so I’m cruising along nice and fast.

All of sudden I spot a squirrel sitting in the middle of the trail eating a rotten hedge apple. As I’m watching the squirrel he decides that he should vacate the trail. Mind you I am approaching at 20 mph.

Stupid the rabid/suicidal attack squirrel starts cutting to my left at a high rate of speed, so I fade to my right to go around him. He all of sudden gets it into his little squirrel brain that the left is not the direction he wants to go so he jumps to my right. Now I am headed right at him at a high rate of speed. I crank the bike over to my left hard enough that I’m wondering if I’m going to crash because of an idiot squirrel.

He jinks back to my left and I can feel my front wheel run over him. He gets the really bright idea at this point that it is not fun getting ran over by a bicycle and starts looking for somewhere away from the wheels.

Unfortunately he decides that he might be able to escape by making a mad leap for my shoe, that was attached to my pedal, while I was pedaling along at about 100 rpm.

So here I am, veering all over the trail, 20+mph, with a irritated/rabid/suicidal attack squirrel attached to my left shoe. About this time I start considering possible outcomes to this situation:

Stupid the squirrel decides to vacate my shoe and make a leap for freedom. Unfortunately he would probably try and make his leap through my front wheel. This would result in him jamming between the spokes, rotating around the hub until he came to an abrupt halt when he ran into my fork. This would have a not so good effect on stupid the squirrel. It would also have had a not so good effect on me and my bike. I was envisioning a trashed jersey, shredded shorts, cracked helmet, a shattered fork, taco’d wheel, and lots of road rash.
The other scenario I was contemplating was stupid the squirrel getting a better purchase on my shoe and deciding to climb my leg and take revenge by committing great bodily injury. I figured the ending would be much like the one above but with squirrel teeth marks in my leg and “other” areas.
Fortunately I choose option 3. I clipped out of my left pedal and made like someone trying to kick a 100 yard field goal, all while still riding a bike at 20 mph! Stupid the squirrel got the hint and became Stupid the flying squirrel.

Last I saw, he had reached his apogee at about 20’ and was heading for a rough landing in the brush. Guess I should carry my shotgun while riding!


Semper Fi

jamz
August 15, 2006, 09:31 PM
An oldie, but a goodie. :) Not really gun related though.

Grayrock
February 1, 2008, 02:32 PM
Worth another read!!

Zundfolge
February 1, 2008, 02:40 PM
An oldie, but a goodie.
Indeed.
google: squirrel attack motorcycle brice street

You'll find it on biking forums, cop forums, anti-squirrel sites, etc

This ones a few years old ... but yes it is funny :D and no its not gun related :(

IBTL :evil:

Justin
February 1, 2008, 02:52 PM
Old. But funny.

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