Help - Love/Hate Relationship With Wife and Guns


PDA






thegriz
August 16, 2006, 07:19 PM
My wife likes that the fact that I own firearms, etc. and train with them. However, she doesn't ever want to see them. She gets mad at me every time she sees my ammo supply or my gun locker.

If she sees me watching a gun training DVD she'll be ticked at me for a day or 2.

I confess that I don't really understand her thinking. Do you gents have any advice that would help?

Sometimes I feel like I'm having an affair when I'm putting things up in a hurry as she pulls into the driveway!

If you enjoyed reading about "Help - Love/Hate Relationship With Wife and Guns" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!
The Cavalry
August 16, 2006, 07:22 PM
Wonder if it's a case where she's feeling like she's competing (and losing) to the hobby, or if she has some discomfort with guns?

My wife definitely doesn't hate cars, but she gets ticked when I spend lots of time wrenching on my "other girl" out in the garage.

Sindawe
August 16, 2006, 07:23 PM
Do you gents have any advice that would help?Dump the wife and get a dog or some cats. Dogs/Cats don't get mad when you take your guns out, or buy a new gun. Cats will even "Help" you sort out your ammunition. :D

Have you suggested/tried taking her shooting? Maybe a romatic weekend with shooting in the day, dinner and dancing afterwards.

AustDave
August 16, 2006, 07:29 PM
I asked my wife if she would mind me putting the gunsafe in the house. She said, "Of course not, the more guns the better!"
I'm glad I married her.

But when I sit alone in another room with my guitar.......she does not like the guitar. I understand what you mean and there is a fireplace in that other room!

TallPine
August 16, 2006, 07:53 PM
Don't hide your gun stuff. She can't stay ticked forever - she will either have to get over it or leave.

I'm guessing there is more wrong with your relationship than just your gun hobby ... :uhoh:

motorep
August 16, 2006, 07:57 PM
Sometimes it takes a wakeup call. My wife was a tolerant anti until she had to pick me up at the airport late one night. There was a particularly violent abduction/murder involving two women and the perp was still at large. She was pretty freaked out and realized that if either of the two women had been armed the outcome could have been different.

LaEscopeta
August 16, 2006, 08:53 PM
It ainít about your guns.

It ainít about you.

It ainít about you cars, guitar, friends, drinking, work, dress, etc.

It is about her.

Think up a new way each day to tell her how much you love her.

And think up a new way each day to tell her how beautiful she is.

Spend at least 10 minutes EACH DAY listening to her talk about what she is interested in.

You wonít have any more problems (or at least no more big ones with the wife.)

Stevie-Ray
August 16, 2006, 09:03 PM
Try the "Look, Honey, this is who I am!" bit and maybe she'll soften. My wife has always been a tolerant neutral. Doesn't mind guns, and doesn't really like them either. I think it's mostly that she sees them as expensive toys. She has been funny in the past, like picking up and trying to aim my Ruger Redhawk a few days after I bought it, (Picture a 4'11" 95lb girl hefting a .44mag.) but for the most part hates me spending money on them. She also shows disgust when I have to put away my carry piece because we are going to a restaurant that serves beer. I will always drink beer if it is served. It's as if she's thinking "If you didn't carry that damn thing, you wouldn't have to worry about putting it away."

When I've had enough, I do the rather stern "Knock it off, this is a gun owning home and always will be. So get over it!" She remembers we have been married for 31 years and all of them contained guns. And then she softens for a while, and sometimes even shows support of new guns. She always suggests trips to the range after I haven't been for too long. Take a firm stand and let her know guns are non-negotiable in the household. Some things are worth arguing over.

I'm with those that think our wives are a close call away from being gun-lovers.

MrTwigg
August 16, 2006, 09:22 PM
She got a look inside my safe & asked why so many were upside down. I told her it was so I could fit them all in and she told me to get another one ! :D

LaEscopeta +1, you got it right ! Flowers for no reason once in a while will melt her heart too.

.357 magnum
August 16, 2006, 09:27 PM
HI grizz!
Sounds like the wife is jealous of the time you spend with the guns. You may want to ask her if she would like to go to the range with you. I asked my wife once and now I cannot get rid of her! She goes to the range with me every week-gonna have to sneak away once] Actually I enjoy her comapany. I just bought a 1,000 dollar smith revolver [performance model .357 magnum] I think I overpaid for what it is. I am comtemplating buying two guns for what I can get on the trade. I had to put 450.00 on credit card and we have enough on the cards right now. Instead of being upset with me. She says likes shooting the gun and does not want me to trade it. [it has an 8 shot cylinder and 5 inch barrel so she thinks its cool] I mean doesn't that beat all too hell? As soon as you get them involved in something you have a passion for, the worries are over! She asked me this weekend if I had to take my semi-auto for a short trip to the grocery store and I said I go nowhere without a gun. [well maybe church] and she just nods and says ok. I mean its like I died and went to heaven!

So good luck buddy--and take care!

bouis
August 16, 2006, 09:33 PM
My girlfriend is the same way -- I'll be sitting there with my feet up, dry firing my .44 mag at the television Travis Bickle style, and she gets all upset for no reason at all.

springmom
August 16, 2006, 09:44 PM
I am sure you have asked her, "Dear, what is it about seeing the guns that upsets you so?" Seems like that would be a great start. Garbage about "dumping the wife" is not exactly "high road", IMO.

Talk to her.

Springmom

FTF
August 16, 2006, 09:53 PM
It could be guns it could be anything else... I agree with the above poster in that you should just talk to her about it. I'm sure if you ask and honestly want to know that she'll tell you then I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it pretty quick. Maybe she needs more attention so make sure you put away the gun mags and stop talking 2a every now and then lol.

Luckily my girl is OK with guns, she shoots with me but isn't anywhere near as into them as I am. There is never a problem as long as I make sure she knows that I know that she is more important. The money thing can get dicey though... that goes with anything... hard to justify those "me" things... I guess keep your "me" things to a minimum... and buy her something to mask your gun purchases :D

autumn_faune
August 16, 2006, 09:58 PM
La Escopita is dead on.

hankdatank1362
August 16, 2006, 10:00 PM
Have you tried telling her that you own guns to protect not only yourself, but her as well? My wife used to give me the same rant and rave. I told her as "the man of the house" it was my responsibility to protect her and our son, and would never forgive myself if I let something happen to them. Suddenly, all the range trips, training DVDs, hours spent on THR, etc. were instantly justified in her eyes.

frayluisfan
August 16, 2006, 11:02 PM
Lots of good advice here. (Apart from the nonsense about "Dump the wife and get a cat". Yeah...a divorce will make all the problems go away! :banghead: )

I'd like to especially express support for
1. Expand the level of romance in your daily relationship (flowers, notes, etc...find what she likes the best and do that), so she knows that she is your delight and your love, and
2. Get her involved in shooting.

Another thought. BE PATIENT. If she didn't grow up around guns, it may take some getting used to. My wife didn't grow up around firearms at all, and it took several years before she was really comfortable with concealed carry. Now she loves going shooting with me, and she not only tolerates me packing but is considering getting a CCW herself (yeehaw!). By not being pushy, offended, or obnoxious, you can give her time to come around. Angrily demanding your way, and comments like "This is just the way I am, so get used to it" are almost certain to do more harm than good, IMHO.

Regards,
frayluisfan

Arcticfox
August 16, 2006, 11:04 PM
Not that I am an expert in relationships, but I think it's someting differnt in each case. LaEscopeta was right on! And I think in a lot of the circumstances, wives want you to spend ALL your time with them. So whether it was guns, Cars, Bowling, or whatever, its time a way from her. that''s what she is mad about! But she tell you she hates the guns, only because you are focused on them and not her.

But I can see how she might get upset if you are dry firing at the TV. ummm.. sorry Bouis :o

TIMC
August 16, 2006, 11:16 PM
Every time I leave the door open on the vault and my wife walks by she shakes her head in disapproval. She thinks I have way too much money tied up in firearms. The way I look at it is she will either get over it or not but it won't change my collecting habits.

Zundfolge
August 16, 2006, 11:46 PM
Its not about the guns, its about your passion for them.


Your wife wants her to be your main passion.

Most women just don't get the fact that men are drawn to machines and tools and take it personally that you; "Love your guns more than me!"

bratch
August 17, 2006, 12:03 AM
Its not about the guns, its about your passion for them.


Your wife wants her to be your main passion.

Most women just don't get the fact that men are drawn to machines and tools and take it personally that you; "Love your guns more than me!"

+1

cbsbyte
August 17, 2006, 02:14 AM
The wives or girlfriends who look disapprovingly at your gun collection, and make snide comments on how much you are spending on guns and etc, are really adding up in their minds how many shoes, purses, clothes and/or diamonds she could buy with the money you wasted on those stuiped useless foul firearms.

Low-Sci
August 17, 2006, 03:23 AM
Maybe its also about money, if times are tight and she sees you watching yet another new gun DVD. I know I can get kinda stressed for a couple days if I spend more on lunch between jobs than I had expected. So if you think she's getting all the attention she needs, I'd look to that next.

Could be that she sees your hobby as selfish, ie you're always cleaning a new gun or watching a new DVD, and what thought have you given to getting something nice for her lately?

Could be an attention thing as well.

No single action you can take will be a cure-all, which you know better than I do, most likely. But I think this will help: get her something that she's been interested in for a while. Maybe its an outfit that she likes, a book she wants to read, whatever.

Pay for it out of your gun funds, it'll make the gesture mean that much more. And to make sure she doesn't feel like she's being bought (because that's not what you're trying to do), try to engage yourself in whatever it was that you got her so you can do it together. If its a book, buy two copies and read it along with her.

The idea is that you want to be seen not only making an honest effort to consider her interests, but also that you want to enjoy her interests right along with her.

Oh yeah. It also might be that you really do spend too much time with your guns. It is possible. You don't want to become one-dimensional, I've never seen a girl who likes that.

USMCRotrHed
August 17, 2006, 03:38 AM
My situation is similar but way different at the same time.

My fiance' loves to shoot rifles and shotguns. She's former Army, me a Marine. We go to the range together and "compete" to see which service is better than the other. She likes the fact that I carry when we go out. It makes her feel more secure. She even wants to get her own CCW.

But......

Her first husband was abusive and threatened her with handguns before. When I have a handgun out for cleaning in the house, she is very apprehensive. There can be no "quick movements". No dry firing. No nothing. It's just easier to clean my weapons when she is out. She's perfectly fine once the weapon is back in the safe. We both know her problem is mental and we both work around the situation to make her feel more comfortable. The big thing is communication. If she had never told me what was going on, I'd be inducing nightmares all the time. There is no its her or the guns, it's just dealing with the hand that is dealt.

White Horseradish
August 17, 2006, 04:10 AM
Maybe buying a cute gun will help. I got a S&W model 36-1, with the three-inch barrel and fancy wood grips. I brought it home and was about to go into my "I'm sorry, honey, I know I probably shouldn't have spent the money, but I just couldn't resist this one" spiel, but she took one look at it, and said "I'll take it". She'll be gettingher CCW soon as we get some funds together.

I, of course, had to go buy three other revolvers to make up for the loss... :neener:

doggscube
August 17, 2006, 08:42 AM
My wife is technically pro-gun, but doesn't like them. I don't think she has ever touched one. She did not like it at all when I first started carrying, but now she doesn't complain. Finally, she has asked me when I'm taking her shooting. I don't think she's going to end up measuring powder while I load the cases, but this is a step.

Just be patient, don't argue (this principle applies to so much more than firearms), she may come around, she may not.

-Jeff

Bubbles
August 17, 2006, 08:45 AM
Well, if you'd stop cleaning your guns on the dining room table using her formal white linen napkins as cleaning rags... :neener:

In all seriousness, you need to have a talk with her, and NOT when she's upset. Bring it up after she hasn't seen you fooling with "gun stuff" for a few days. As others have said, it's entirely possible the issue isn't the guns at all, it's time, money, her past experiences, etc.

thegriz
August 17, 2006, 10:25 AM
That's some good stuff. It also shows the high caliber of this group. I was blown away by how much thought and effort you all put into this. :)

Lonestar
August 17, 2006, 10:59 AM
Here is a thought....do you like all the hobbies she has??? My wife likes those Trading Spaces & Home decorating shows. If it were up to me all the walls in my house would still be white. Everytime she turns on one of those shows I get bored quick and walk out of the room. She talks about painting with crazy colors and patterns. A few rooms came out good while others are :barf: to me. Its her thing, and while I might not like it, it makes her happy.

On the same token, my wife is not a big fan of guns either. Sure she has relunctantly went to the range a few times, but for the most part she also does not want to see my guns or various catalogs or items laying around. She never call it by name, but says can you get rid of that, or can you put that away.

I do my things and she does her things. Sometimes we have similar likes and hobbies, and sometimes we don't.

If you enjoyed reading about "Help - Love/Hate Relationship With Wife and Guns" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!