Gun Shop Goobers--A First Reader For the Novice


Sir Galahad
May 8, 2003, 09:09 PM
So ya wanna buy a gun, huh?:D Yeah, don't we all! Well, if this is your first time to the gun shop, you won't know what to expect. So here's a lesson for ya in different clowns that hang around in there you might meet there. Just so ya know. Ok, so you're ready to get you a little somethin'-somethin'. A fowling piece, a coffee grinder, a heater, a gat, a piece...You know, a gun. So you go in and ask to see the _______on the shelf over there and what do you hear? Sometimes a reply from one of these characters who were just waiting for you to pick that _____ so they could throw in their two cents uninvited.

1.) THE COLD WARRIOR---This is the guy that when you're looking at an SKS, Makarov or an AK, chimes in with, "Whaddya want that COMMIE gun for?! Why don't you buy a REAL gun!" Now, you'd almost swear this guy is a bunco steerer for the company that makes the gun he'll say you should buy. Watch out for this guy. Don't let him guilt you into buying something else. Because he has a SKS at home. But he can't figure out how it comes apart for cleaning. So he's on a crusade to steer people away from those "commie guns".

2.) THE ATF (Anti-Tupperware Fanatic) AGENT---This is the committed die-hard 1911 nut who thinks all polymer-framed handguns are complete POS and how did the world get by until 1911? You'll find this guy drooling over Kimbers and Les Baers and crossing himself every time his gaze accidently falls over a Glock. You'll hear this guy say things like, "Whaddya want that plastic toy gun for? Get a real gun made out of steel!" Truth is, though, he has every custom 1911 on the market but stil can't hit a watermelon at ten paces with any of them. He once hit a watermelon at ten paces with a buddy's Glock and it's been a sore point ever since.

3.) THE CERTIFIED CROCK ARMORER---This guy has been to every armorer class given by every manufacturer that gives them. Except, he thinks that at those classes he was somehow endowed with X-ray vision into the inner workings of firearms whose makers don't offer armorer classes. "Awww, that thing is a piece of crap! The instructor at the ________Armorer Class said so! You'd be nuts to buy that piece of crap! Buy a ________and I can tune it for you!" Except this guy is a hack and couldn't tune a mouth harp. You'll know this guy's work by all the vise marks on the frame of guys shooting _______that let this guy tune their guns.

4.) THE COMMANDO----THis guy is usually the one who swears everything not an AR-15 is a worthless POS. He goes into tirades about how he needs a weapon he can "...depend on when the chips are down and the SHTF..." And how in a tactical situation, he'll need to be laying accurate cover fire for his team. You wonder what kind of a neighborhood this guy lives in and just what is entailed when this guy runs out to get a carton of milk for the wife (that is, for the 10% of this personality that are married; most women cannot deal with this guy because he's so psyched about that firefight he's itching to get in, they wonder if he's not hiding some deficiency elsewhere.) Truth is, this guy has never been in the military (but he did go see the recruiter his senior year!!! :rolleyes: But, they weren't "hardcore" enough for him.) SWAT does NOT "consult" this guy on tactics. But let him see you admring an AK, and you'll hear all about how you'll be found dead with that AK when civilization collapses and his "team" (that would be the other guys at the vienna sausage cannery where he works) is running the show and attracting all the hot babes because he has an AR (of course he has to wait for Armaggedon Lite to happen for the hot babes to show up because in the meantime they're too busy being nauseaus from reading his cumbersome attempt at poetry while trying to woo them. Sample petry: "Yer butt is lak the butt of me AR, and I kin see us goin far, when the werld falls to pieces, I will rool and yew will be mah qween. Luv Bud." After Armageddon Lite, the babes won't be looking for him to be his "qween". They be asking to borrow his AR to bump themselves off in desperation at being left alone in the world with this guy.)

5.) THE CRITIC---This guy doesn't discriminate. He hates all guns. He's not an anti, because he likes guns. He just thinks they're all POS. "That's a nice Weatherby!" "AHHH, it's a POS! Way overpriced!" "WHAT!?! You're thinking of buying that Smith and Wesson! AHHH, they're all POS these days!" "What?!? You bought a H&K?!? You dummy! Those things are complete POS! You should've saved your money!" "Ah, Ruger revolvers are junk. I heard they're actually made in Zimbabwe. You should buy a Smith. What's that? NO! I never said that! I never said Smith was crap, I said the NEW ones are crap! Buy one made before 1898." "Ahhh, what do you know? The Hawken rifle was a POS! Everyone knows that! So was the Winchester! Better rifles were coming out of Persia and everyone knows that!" And what kinds of guns does "The Critic" own? One H&R .32 revolver, a .25 automatic, and a single shot shotgun his dad left him.
6.) MINUTE OF MORON---This is the guy who, when you're just looking for a rifle you can have fun with, decides to do the "hard sell" on you even though he doesn't work there. "That _____is very inaccurate. The trigger is a POS. You don't really want that. You need a _______. Why, with a ______, you could part the beard hairs of a flea at 2 miles. The trigger will be so light that if you flatulate, the atmospheric change will cause the trigger to go off. It only costs $18,000. Don't be stupid and buy that hunk o' crap you're holding. Take my advice---you will if you're smart--- and buy the ______." Yeah, this guy has the ________. But he never shoots it. It'll "depreciate" if he shoots it.

Well, if this describes anyone reading this, well.....


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May 8, 2003, 09:17 PM
I can place a salesperson Ive met into everyone of those categories.:D

May 8, 2003, 09:27 PM
Yep, that just about sums up sales staff.

May 8, 2003, 09:34 PM
LOL Great peice of art!:D :D :D

May 8, 2003, 09:41 PM
This does describe most of the employees I have met (and a few of the customers too). I have, however, come across a few good gun stores here just north of Atlanta.


May 8, 2003, 09:48 PM
I can absolutely relate!

May 8, 2003, 10:05 PM

There's a short essay floating around TFL/THR with descriptions of the kinds of people you see at a gunshow.
I think that this is a worthy companion to that document.

May 8, 2003, 10:13 PM
Don't forget the guy that is morbidly obese but obsesses over his rifle for when the blue helmets come through town. :D

May 8, 2003, 10:17 PM
In my experience, that describes waaaaaaaaaaay more gunshop CUSTOMERS than salespeople. The salespeople fall into the Sales Simpleton category. Each of your questions are answered with one of the following statements:
1) Um... what are you talking about?
2) Why would you want that feature?
3) Um... I dunno? (Not followed by "let me check.")
4) You sure you want that?
5) Um... uh...
6) No.
7) Um... duh...

Before you gun shop employees jump down my throat, listen up. Simply by being involved in an informational forum such as THR automatically removes you from that category. And oh yeah, I've worked in a gun shop more than once in my life.

Seriously, SG, that was friggin funny.

Sir Galahad
May 8, 2003, 10:24 PM
7.) PENETRATION PETE----Don't laugh! Yes, it looks funny, but this guy is funnier. This guy can't get any penetration (maybe that's one of his problems, but I'll leave that for the giggle squad to hash out.) You could give this guy a 20mm Vulcan and he'll swear it just glances right off a padded jacket. You'd think this guy is going to have a home invasion by a Tiger tank or something ("Dear, ask them to not run over the doilies and cup cozies. Those are from my mom. And watch the Elvis commemerative plate collection on the wall before you shoot.") If this guy's neighbors heard what this guy was about, they'd be asking the local wall and floor shop what kevlar wallpaper and hardened steel paneling goes for these days. Word has it that during the Cold War, Soviet bombers had flight plans that avoided his house because it was a AAA site. Well, if Jurassic Park ever does come true, this guy will be ready! Talk about a "shot heard round the world", if this guy ever has a AD, it'll be the shot that went through the tri-county area and all cinderblock walls in between. And he will make every attempt to penetrate your skull to sell you on this cockamamie fixation. "Well, if you don't have a 105mm howitzer, how are you going to penetrate the 30 kevlar vests even 12 year old street thugs wear? Bet ya didn't think of that, dijya? Hmm, hmmm, didjya? Huh, Hmmm, didjya?"

8.) TUB GUN MAN---No, this is not a dish at an exotic restaurant. This is the guy who needs a waterproof gun for the bathtub. You saw "Psycho", right? This is a rare character. Be sure and mark your "Gun Shop Goobers Field Journal" when you spot him.

9.) TACTICALIFRAGILISTICEXPEEALLIDOCIOUS----Yep, I'm sure you know this guy. You must, indeed, be a fool one step below a nematode if you're REALLY going to buy that LEATHER holster when he's got this Tactical Black Nylon Kydex and Kryptonite drop down thigh holster with matching mag pouch for your other thigh. Yep, looks just like a woman out of a bondage flick with those things on (not that I know anything about such movies, of course...) never mind that the straps are likely to rub sensitive parts of your anatomy raw! It'll make you tough! You'll feel like eating cougar hairballs you'll feel so tough! You'll bite the heads off animal crackers! Grrr!!!! And it only costs $399 for the rig. Isn't that a better deal than leather? But wait! There's more! You can also buy a stamp set and stamp the word "tactical" on stuff you buy and up the price when you resell it. And when you've got all the straps and equipment strapped on and feel like that chick in the bondage flick (ah, NOW you know the attraction of it, eh?), you will scare the bejeezus out of the paperboy when he comes to the door to collect for the paper and in all the hustle to put this gear on, you forgot to put on your CLOTHES beforehand.

9.) MAD JACK LA LANNE----This is the guy who has been to all the training camps and thinks you, too, ought to go as some bizarre WAY post-puberty coming-of-middle-age rite. "Ahhh, just because you want a .22 to plink with doesn't mean you shoudn't now how to employ that weapon in the defense of a perimeter! Think, man! What if the Chinese land tomorrow!" You're a hunter, right? "Think, man! What if deer ever start carrying guns and wearing body armor?! What then? Yeah, you didn't think of THAT, didja Mr. Blaze Orange Fancy-Pants, didja? Hmm, huh, didja, didja? Hmm, huh? Didja?" This guy can do rolls, backflips, and drop to prone every time the coffee maker at 7-11 makes a blurple noise he thinks is a suppressed submachine gun just rying to ace him because he's one bad dude and all the guys over at McTerrorist are trying to serve him a McHit. Yah, but they won't get him. It's the training, see? That's why he's getting a little somethin'-somethin' from the training camps to steer you in there where you can pay thousands to learn what the army would have paid YOU to learn had you done that instead of been too preoccupied playing around with that Chevelle and wearing funny hairstyles in your younger days. But, why buy that AR if you're not going to learn how to do a backflip and roll with it? :neener:

May 8, 2003, 11:00 PM
this thread has me in stitches.

J Miller
May 8, 2003, 11:37 PM
The people represented in this thread are toooo real. :uhoh: I think I want to stay away from gun shops now. :what:

May 8, 2003, 11:41 PM
should one be scared if the gun shop goober starts combineing catagories? at what level to we run for it? 2 catagories, 3 catagories....that one guy you know that combines 4 or more of these....

LOL this is great....great piece of work, must have took forever

May 8, 2003, 11:48 PM
Gun shop owners, salesclerks, and customers/range rats can be some of the most annoying people on earth. I drive past two shooting ranges/dealers close to my house to go to one on the other side of the county where the owner is a rational human being, and works with his wife, another rational human being. The others are stocked with LEO wannabes trading stories of how many seconds they can endure from a stun gun and and still remember their names. They call their guns "Betsy" and pat them constantly while talking to you. I always thought I was the only one that noticed the quirky behavior. Thanks for a great laugh, Sir Galahad. Regards, Keys

Sir Galahad
May 9, 2003, 01:05 AM
10.) THE PERFESSER---THis guy doesn't hang out in gun shops too much because it brings him into close contact with unwashed ruffians. But he drops in from time to time to talk smack about shotguns that costless than $2,000 dollars. This is the guy who has at least one $12,000 over-and-under and a few doubles that you could trade directly for a decent vehicle. This guy usually wears some tweed suit or vest sweater and a "crusher" felt or wool hat (but not a cheap one!) Smells of expensive "English" style pipe tobacco, heavy on the Latakia. Ths is the guy who's coming in to buy a case of skeet shells and catch you eyeing a Winchester 1300 Defender or a Mossberg 590 so he can ask you, "Well, what do you need THAT for?" And he'll also volunteer the obligatory "Of course you realize, you can't shoot skeet with THAT thing..." Then, of course, you'll want to say, "Of course you realize, you're going to have a hard time smoking that fancy Savenelli where it's headed in about 5 seconds..." He also likes to ask guys buying Bushmasters and AKs, "What does a law-abiding person NEED one of those for?" Hmmmm, let's see there Mr. Magoo, what does a law-abiding person need SYRIAN Latakia to smoke when there's plenty of American Prince Albert that isn't grown by countries that sponsor terrorism? Check out what he's driving. It'll probably be a Range Rover with a faded "Gore/Lieberman" sticker. Guy's most likely a sociology professor. This is a guy that actually pays good money to buy prime seating tickets to see things like "Cats" and "Le Cage Aux Folles". Won't see this guy at a tractor pull or barbeque and catfish eatin' place, that's for sure.

11.) LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN---This guy lives and breathes Cowboy Action Shooting. Guy says things like, "Pard" every other word. Guy grew up in Long Beach, CA but talks like he was born and raised in West Virginia. This takes practice. You can buy a CD for it. "Speak Hillbilly In Two Hours". Comes with a coupon for the Cracker Barrel restaurant in side. This is the guy that takes forever finding the ---right--- single action Ruger Vaquero. You're sitting there wanting to look at a Glock and this guy is doing his impression of Tuco in the gun shop in "The Good, he Bad, and the Ugly." You're sitting there thinking, "Come on, then! This is a iron-sighted six shooter you're going to shoot from like 7 feet or something!" Then he goes into a major discussion on how to tune Vaqueros for CAS and this takes two hours. All the while, you're thinking, geez, all I wanted was to see that Glock...

May 9, 2003, 01:23 AM
i think you guys spend too much time in gun shops.
i didn't see these people when i bought my USP and P95.

i did went to this store and there were people sitting around and talking to people behind the counter. i was about to buy one, but i guess they were too involved in their conversation that they don't want money.

Sir Galahad
May 9, 2003, 01:39 AM
You didn't see them. But they are there. Waiting. Watching. Just waiting for you to ask to see that ________ so they can jump in and stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life and buying an utter hunk o' crap. See, Gudel, if one of these fine folks had been there, they would've told you that those two gats you bought were all made out of pot metal and melted down soda bottles. Here you thought you had serious firepower! :D I bet Penetration Pete would have something to say about pistols of calibers less than a 57mm recoilless rifle (modified to be a handgun.) But you can be forgiven because you didn't know these fine folks were out there, ready to give you lots of valuable advice gleaned from a lifetime of reading Guns & Ammo and Soldier of Fortune. This knowledge doesn't grow on trees (though some of these folks are not far removed from ancestors who swung from them.) These guys exist to serve the novice, whether he likes it or not. And they also exist to remind the people who think they know firearms that they actually don't. These splendid chaps are at a gun shop near you, ready to serve and batter you about the brain with useless BS that sounds cool. They're out there.....waiting.....watching...they are......the Gun Goobers.

May 9, 2003, 01:47 AM
heh that's funny Sir Galahad. if i ever find someone like this, i'll just say "yeah, okay, cool man"
to my surprise, my USP is extremely accurate, even for a new shooter like myself.

May 9, 2003, 01:54 AM
What about the Gun Dorks? :D

May 9, 2003, 02:09 AM
Very funny stuff. But what's wrong with number two? ;)

May 9, 2003, 05:23 AM
Galahad, I am working part time in a gun shop, but I never laughed so hard. Definitely a BIG thumbs up! :D :D :D

May 9, 2003, 05:35 AM
Would Tuco in "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly" be considered "Tub Gun Man"?:what: :D

May 9, 2003, 07:19 AM
I'm really glad that I located a kitchen-table pistol/"assault rifle" dealer (requires a special license from state cops) in Maryland. Only non-paperwork related question he asked me was "You dont look like the shooting type, how'd you get into guns?" "Boy Scouts, sir. :D " (I had just gotten off work an hour ago, so I was in business attire).


May 9, 2003, 08:02 AM
But..but...I've seen "Cats" and I've been to the barbeque and catfish place several times.... :uhoh:

This is funny stuff. Rather than the gun shop employees, this sounds more like some customers at gun shops. Unless it's Gun City, then it's both the employees and the customers. :rolleyes: :D

"You don't want that, here's what you need..." :banghead:

Carlos Cabeza
May 9, 2003, 09:36 AM
If we are going to label stereotypes, I prefer Skunk's term of
Gun Dork.:D

PLASTIC FANTASTIC MAN: This is the 22 year old cop who could crack walnuts between his knees and would love to "crack some skulls" when he stops you for jaywalking. Thinks that Glocks are the weapon of choice for serious professionals and wouldn't dream of owning anything else. If you know him personally, he's a real stand up guy, but put on his blues and he'll blackjack a 15 year old for cutting class. He's so tactical, he runs serpentine to his cruiser each morning.

May 9, 2003, 09:43 AM
Hey now Carlos! That is Dan's term Gun Dork. Just ask Skunkabirry! :D

Carlos Cabeza
May 9, 2003, 09:48 AM
I should give proper credit then, THANKS DAN !!!!!! All these types are still REAL people and that is spooky.:uhoh:

Carlos Cabeza
May 9, 2003, 09:56 AM

May 9, 2003, 10:00 AM
Everytime I see a thread similar to this one (though I have yet to read one this funny :D ), it always make me think of a scene from the movie "Falling Down", with Michael Douglas. The one where he drops into the Army Surplus Store, and the guy running it takes Douglas into the all important (and secretive) "back room" where all the really good stuff is kept. He then proceeds to show off a canister of Zyklon Gas, used to exterminate Jews in the concentration camps. Oh, the pride shown by this guy in his secret cache! :scrutiny:

At some point, if you go into enough gun shops, you could end up face to face with someone like this. Thankfully, they are a small minority. geegee

May 9, 2003, 10:06 AM
:D And I thought this only happened at MY local gun shops!

May 9, 2003, 10:16 AM
:D :D :D

I thought I was LMAO at You're sitting there wanting to look at a Glock and this guy is doing his impression of Tuco in the gun shop in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." until I read Would Tuco in "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly" be considered "Tub Gun Man"?

May 9, 2003, 05:04 PM
Yeah, they're all out there; one place or another.:rolleyes:

May 9, 2003, 05:55 PM
Skunk said:
What about the Gun Dorks?

Hope your not talking about me like in this thread! (

May 9, 2003, 06:16 PM
I'm fortunate in that these guys amuse me rather than upset me.

I did meet an interesting fellow a couple weeks ago. He was about 5'6" weighed every bit of 300 lbs and told me he was 26 years old. He was looking at a couple Savage rifles (with the tactical Choate stock, of course) and I mentioned that the AccuTrigger was very easily adjustable when he commented on the rough trigger. This, unfortunately, got me involved in a long convoluted conversation that I really wanted no part of. He went on to tell me that he was both a Navy SEAL and a Marine sniper that was in Desert Storm. Hrmm... It's 2003... Desert Storm was in 1991... He's 26 years old... minus 12 years so... Yep! He was a combination Marine Sniper and Navy SEAL overseas at the tender age of 14. He also couldn't hold the rifle anything that resembled steady and while the rifle was swaying around, he tells me that during his sniper days, he learned all sorts of secrets on how to make long range shots offhand and that most snipers don't even use a bipod.


May 9, 2003, 06:36 PM

I had one of those overweight "SEALS" come in the shop one time. The funny thing is that we supplied some of SEAL Team 7's rifles through the shop, so there were actually 3 SEALs in at the time, listening to his war stories. It was all real amusing until they started asking him questions and he just about ran out the front door when he figured out who he was talking to.

May 9, 2003, 06:37 PM
What about the Tactical Range Pimps? You know, guys who show up with a purple velvet suit, nickel 1911 with ivory grips and tactical hat feather (like Carlos Hathcock or the guy from I'm Gonna Git U Suckah, I don't know which?)

Yes, 'Gun Dork' was actually coined by Daniel G. Frory ;)

May 9, 2003, 06:43 PM
I had one of those overweight "SEALS" come in the shop one time.

These uberelite operators actually belong to a special unit known as WALRUS. ;)

May 9, 2003, 06:57 PM
An actual Marine sniper friend of mine have a running joke that between the two of us, we must personally know every single ex Navy SEAL. I honestly can tell you the exact number of people that I've talked to that say they were in the Nave and were NOT SEALS... three. Total! So the other 20 ex- Navy guys I know were all SEALS.

I guess every single one of them retired to central Indiana and the Dallas area. It's also funny. The only guy I know that was a for sure Navy SEAL pretty much never talks about SEAL stuff... as in the actual operations. But all the other guys that I can't confirm their SEAL-ish status, never stop talking about this operation and that one. :rolleyes:

May 9, 2003, 07:19 PM
Hey, I was on the teams! ;)

Actually some guys at our IDPA club have a running joke. When one of my friends introduces me, he's like, "Hey, have you met Jeff? He was on the teams."
"Oh, he was on the teams too?"
"Yeah, we used to HALO together during our black ops!" :D

May 9, 2003, 07:31 PM

That was some good writing! You get an "A".

"Yer butt is lak the butt of me AR, and I kin see us goin far, when the werld falls to pieces, I will rool and yew will be mah qween. Luv Bud."


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