Gun Shop Goobers 2--More Adventures In Retail Gun Shops


Sir Galahad
May 15, 2003, 01:43 AM
This is an addendum to our previous Field Guide.

1.) ONE SHOT SCHLOCK----This is the guy who lives and breathes the "one shot stop" theory. This is the guy who, when will swear up and down that a .50-90 Sharps buffalo rifle will not stop a guy with a head shot at 10 feet because everyone knows there is not a Hydra-Shok load in .50-90 Sharps. This guy can be found argung with Penetration Pete about the merits of rapid expansion and energy dump as per various magazine writers visits to morgues no one ever gets to hear the names of versus the ability of a bullet to pass through a bad guy and then continue on through at least 15 brick walls with enough energy left to kill the elephant at the city zoo. Of course, The Critic will denounce all of it as a "bunch of crap because everyone knows that the guns they suggest are POS". One Stop Schlock would dearly love to see the effects of bullets on actual cadavers, but he passed out during the fetal pig dissection in high school biology class, so he is reduced to reading the various offerings over at Paladin Press. While he can talk with ease about livers flying into a thousand pieces (mmm-mmm, just add onions and bacon) and bullets that impart enough kinetic energy to cause a secondary blast wave from intestinal gas, if he cuts himself shaving, alas, he cannot look into the mirror.

2.) ADAM 12 YEARS OLD----This is the guy who has to have EVERYTHING the police have. Yep, this is the guy chicks run, don't walk, to get away from. (you know, the kind of guy that maybe prepares for a date by buying duct tape and rope.) Yes, sometimes ths guy works mall security. Has a police canner in his car and house. Responds to police calls and offers his help to the police. This guy is always GOT to shoot whatever the cops shoot. If the cops were still using 158 gr. Lead Round Nose that's what this guy would be using. He has it all: cop gun belt, cop tonfa, cop pepper spray, cop handcuffs (don't ask to much about those) and cop mag pouches. This guy goes so far as to call up and ask the detectives what kind of underarm deodorant they wear so he can make sure his shoulder holster smells authentic. So how come he isn't a cop? Most departments do psych evals. You do the math.

3.) GEAR MAN---Can't miss this guy. This is the guy with the M4 that has a flashlight, red dot, laser sight, nightscope, range finder, video camera, GPS, Nintendo, internet access, and polaroid camera all mounted on the handguard. This is for home defense. See, this way if al Quaida decides to nab his underwear to use as a WMD, he'll be ready. Never mind that he has had to mount dolly wheels under the barrel to support this abudance of gear. A real disadvantage is that this crap has a little speaker that says "you've got mail!" at the most inopportune times. This guy has all this crap and still gets outshot by a 10 year old with a single shot .22, but he looks real cool anyway at the range---like a real operator.

4.) DISCOUNT DAN---Yeah, so you thought you'd just pop into your local shop and buy a few boxes of ammo and maybe see that new rifle you heard was in stock. You thought wrong. Because you know that guy who drives to 15 different grocery stores because each one has one or two items a few cents cheaper than the others? Well, he's in there. "Awwww, come on! I'll give you $400 for that Weatherby tops! And you throw in ten boxes of ammo!" "It costs WHAT?!? Are you crazy?!? Who is stupid enought to pay that much for that?!?" "That hunk o' crap costs WHAT?!?" "What are those bullets, made of gold or sumptin'?!?" "Awww, I saw those mags at a gun show back in 1963 and they were only a nickle!" "Are you kiddin'?!? What the heck did you sell me this rifle if it was so expensive to shoot! You didn't tell me .22LR was so darn expensive! Geez, I might as well be shooting Nitro Express the prices are so similar!" "You're nuts! That Wolf 7.62x39mm ammo must be made of platinum! I've never seen prices that high on ammo ever!" "Awww, those Glocks are crap! I'll give you $50 for it. C'mon, make me a deal!" It'd be one thing if this guy just said this and left. But then he haggles like a trader at a Samarkand bazaar. In the end, he buys nothing. But now your time is up and you never did get what you came in for.

5.) THE GUN CORONER----This is the guy that when you bring your gun in to see if an accessory fits it, says "Can I see that?" Without asking, he starts to do a detail disassemble on it. He tells you how you #$%^&&** up the trigger with your careless, sloppy work (it came from the factory like that and actually is great). He tells you "you're cleaning it too much and ruining the bore" (because everyone knows that cloth cleaning patches cause bore wear more than copper jacketed bullets moving at a couple thousand feet per second.) He then loses you a couple screws and says it'll work better without them. Then he offers you $60 to "take it off your hands". At this point, you're ready to buttstroke the guy except he's in front of the glass display case and can't afford to replace it if he falls into it. So, you ask for a bag to take your gun back to the car while this guy goes on running his mouth and complaining about people who bring their guns in and work on them on the counter.

These people are everywhere. Beware. Be afraid. Be very afraid...

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May 15, 2003, 01:55 AM
LOL, very funny.

May 15, 2003, 11:29 AM
I know a guy named Adam, he is exactly as you describe him...

May 15, 2003, 12:32 PM
ADAM 12 YEARS OLD----This is the guy who has to have EVERYTHING the police have.

Do they also drive black shiny Crown Vics?

May 15, 2003, 01:22 PM
I'm still waiting to see "Ballistics Bob"listed. He likes to sit around with Penetration Pete and One Shot Schlock for hours on end rehashing age old arguements about 9mm vs .45acp, .223 vs .308, and .357mag vs .41spl.

His close friend "One Gun" likes to think that there should only be one handgun in existence. His. Wether it's a Glock or a 1911, he will argue until his face turns blue about how his gun is the only good gun and if you don't have one, then you don't know anything. He is especially annoying when all he can afford is a Hi-Point and you have to listen to how every other gun made is a waste of money.

May 15, 2003, 01:24 PM
Do they also drive black shiny Crown Vics? Yes, but CRVs are the preferred transportation for Gear Guys.:D

May 15, 2003, 01:35 PM
Too funny...

...and scary true... :uhoh:

May 15, 2003, 01:43 PM
I ran into Wannabe Wally this morning while picking up some powder. He was talking to Danger Dan about his time in the Rhodisian Light Infantry. I think they were planning to go shooting with SEEL Team 6 Sam.:rolleyes:

May 15, 2003, 02:00 PM
Yes, but CRVs are the preferred transportation for Gear Guys.

OOooooooooo! Skunky's gonna come lookin' fer you.

May 15, 2003, 02:04 PM
Wow, I am truly surprised that I didn't fall into one of those categories.

Perhaps the following classification is a subspecies of one of the other types, but I like to call him...

"Tactical Boy"

This guy wears black BDUs everywhere, carries four Surefires, a full sized service pistol under his photojournalist vest and a J-frame on his ankle, a neck knife and a $200 combat folder. He has a disturbing habit of always flicking out and recompressing his ASP baton. He wears shooting glasses at all times because "you never know."

He can tell you what equipment any SWAT team in the country is currently using, as well as the latest and greatest bauble in use by the US military "over in the sandbox." He also claims to know seven ways to stop a man's heart by using pressure points, though this knowledge is hardly conducive to his occupation as a Starbucks coffee jerk.

May 15, 2003, 02:25 PM
My CRV (Crisis Response Vehicle) has a towed MRLS.


Jim March
May 15, 2003, 07:42 PM
Idiot number two already has an actual term used by the police:

"Strange Ranger"

And yes, they do exist.

May 15, 2003, 07:55 PM
Do they also drive black shiny Crown Vics?

That, with the totally cheap black hubcaps all cop cars have.


May 15, 2003, 08:03 PM
I want a "police canner." Where do I get one?

Sir Galahad
May 15, 2003, 11:34 PM
LOL! Every new "tactical" rifle that comes out makes me buy one more bolt action. With wood stock. And iron sights.

Sir Galahad
May 15, 2003, 11:59 PM
6.) GHOST RING BUSTERS---This is the guy who has to put ghost rings on everything and tacticalize everything from his AR to an original 1860 Colt Army. This guy talks about ghost rings so often, the FCs (that would be the "Firearm Challenged") think the guy is an expert in the paranormal and look for him in re-runs of "In Search Of". This guy has put ghost rings on a straw pea-shooter, a replica Brown Bess, the staple gun at work, and he must need ghost rings on something else I won't mention because he's usually not able to get anywhere near that. This guy is a variation on the Tactical Timmys out there, except this guy would find a synthetic stock for a 1841 Mississippi rifle. And ghost rings.

7.) BALLISTICA FANTASTICA---By popular demand, here he is. This is the guy who claims he could take a .50 BMG case, cut it down, neck it down to .17 Hornady, and put in a V-Max bullet and chamber it in a specially made Ruger 77 Varmint Vaporizer Special Express Extra Postage and actually cause the bullet to travel at the speed of light and enter another dimension (where Rod Serling will see it slightly alter the course of smoke from his Lucky Strike) and then enter another time where it will drop three of those crow-sized dragonflies you see embedded in gaudy amber jewelry everywhere and then return full circle and re-enter the muzzle of the rifle, coming to a dead stop just .0001" from the bolt face. To prove he did what he said he did, he will have to find a way to send two chronographs ahead and behind into time to measure the velocity as it passes forward or back in time from another dimension. Until then, you just have to believe him at his word. While you're mulling that over, he's still necking down a 155mm howitzer case to 7.62mm and seating a El Jefe Grande bullet (his design that he has a buddy at a fender shop make for him out of old radiator cores) in it and with this, he is able to achieve MOA accuracy in hitting the big purple dot on the planet Jupiter. And the bullet can be chrono'ed as it passes by the rings of Saturn by counting the seconds as it passes each ring. If you like, he'll neck down your Ford Excursion to have a Honda CRV front seat so you can feel the increase in speed as you stil wonder what the original point was and why this guy works at Taco Bell if he's such a great inventor of new calibers and loads.

May 16, 2003, 12:42 PM
Where can I get one of those? A guy over at RimfireCentral has one.

El Jefe Grande bullet (his design that he has a buddy at a fender shop make for him out of old radiator cores) in it and with this, he is able to achieve MOA accuracy in hitting the big purple dot on the planet Jupiter. Frankly, I think you made that up.


May 16, 2003, 12:58 PM
he is able to achieve MOA accuracy in hitting the big purple dot on the planet Jupiter. And the bullet can be chrono'ed as it passes by the rings of Saturn by counting the seconds as it passes each ring.
If he's aiming at Jupiter and the bullet passes Saturn, I think this guy easily earns the "Worst Marksman in History" award.

Captain Scarlet
May 16, 2003, 01:46 PM
and posers, they tell old war stories about how the unit they
served with in Nam wiped out an entire NVA battalion! how they
were knee deep in blood & guts! and stories about how they
single handedly took on a platoon of VC/NVA regulars and got
wounded in combat and received the Purple Heart.

They always were Special Forces, or they were in some elite unit
in Nam, that they cant even discuss because it's classified info.

Posers always say they served as a "grunt" nobody ever says
they were with some support unit like a cook, supply clerk, truck
driver, personel & administration, etc.

some posers even try to sell military collectables and they say
they brought it back from Vietnam! they took it off a dead VC.

May 16, 2003, 06:05 PM
When I was looking for my first pistol, I had the pleasure of meeting "Wheelgun Willie". He scoffed when he saw me looking at a Beretta 96 and said to his buddy, "You want a REAL handgun you gotta get a wheelgun." "Never shot an automatic that was any good." Pretty funny actually.
I told him I liked revolvers too, just wasn't looking to buy one.

May 16, 2003, 06:25 PM
I was in Old Town Alexandria mucking about and decided to stop in & browse. I was standing by the used gun case and this guy was looking for someting appropriate for his daughter, e.g. small hands, reasonable recoil, etc. Clerk showed him a used SIG 225, and proceeded to extol the virtues of SIGs - well made, accurate, supremely reliabkle, etc., but they don't make them any more and they're very expensive, price of quality, don'cha'know. The pistol appeared to be in good shape, though used (finish about 90%) and when the guy asked how much, the clerk said $959:uhoh:

I lost it, I couldn't contain myself and just blurted out, "that's ridiculous -" (I'm normally pretty good about minding my own business -), but the guy looks at me and I said I had bought one new last summer, with night sights and 3 mags for $690, and felt I had overpaid at the time , but they are somewhat scarce, but definitely still in production, yadda, yadda, and 'that's ridiculous'. Jerk/clerk gave me a dirty look and suggested that I should perhaps shop elsewhere. No problem . . .

May 16, 2003, 06:40 PM

What do you do for a living? Your writing style is a lot like Dave Berry's. You definitely have talent. I'm enjoying this a lot!

May 16, 2003, 06:43 PM
Anyone ever see "The Big Lebowski"?

Walter Sobchak played by John Goodman kind of fits into the
theme: shooting glasses all the time Photojournalist vest.
carries a 1911 in his Tactical bowling bag.

A definate must see.

May 16, 2003, 06:47 PM
How 'bout the "Copy Me Cat". They're the ones that suggest (or insist) you buy a particular model simply because they have it so it must be the best. :banghead:

And let's not forget the "Overkill Ogres" and the "Conpensating for Something Crowd". These people are those we all know/see that buy a Nitro Express for southern whitetail and/or a 270 for squirrels. :uhoh:

Finally, there's the ever populous "Costomizers". These fine folks are it . They add a pair of aftermarket grips to a nre's custom! A new sear to thier 10/22...Custom! a new...wel, you get the picture.:banghead:

Mark Tyson
May 16, 2003, 07:13 PM

I think we just may have a few "Gear Men" in this very forum.

You know who you are! Yes: you! In the back! Trying to slink out the door! You're not gettin' away so easily.

Sir Galahad
May 16, 2003, 08:19 PM
What do I do for a living? Well, didn't you guess? I am actually the head of the CIA. :D I do my precision shooting from a special rifle loaded with special wildcat oads mounted on killer satellites (no, not the Georgia Satellites, and not whatever garage punk band might be calling themselves the Killer Satellites since BarfBag and the Anecephelacs didn't sound cool enough). I secretly control the currency. When I want to buy a new firearm, I fluctuate the market (no sound-pun intended) so the prices drop and then I buy. As head of the CIA, I don't draw a large salary, so I have to take my perks in other ways. If I told youall of them, I'd have to have you all held incommunicado in a military brig where you will be forced to watch re-runs of Hart To Hart, Knight Rider, and Falcon's Crest and fed a steady diet of Swanson's Hungry Man Chili Mac meals. And the toilet paper will be torn sheets of cardboard. Do not trifle with me, mortals. For, yea, though I walk through the corridors of the shadows of politicians, I shall fear no beaureucrat, for I am the keeper of game where I am pulling their strings. You laugh now, but don't laugh too hard, lest you find yourself riding in the backseat of my Black Helicopter. You'll know it's mine because it has fuzzy dice hanging on the rear view mirror and little dice knobs on the controls and a little red devil decal on the back. And also a "My Child Is An Honor Student At An Undisclosed Location" bumper sticker, too. Fear me, o mortals, for my footsteps are as bones clacking in the night and the rustle of my black uniform as the whisper of a raven's wing.

May 17, 2003, 05:25 PM

Hey -- I just put a ghost ring on my Ruger Mk II Target...... :D :D

Sir Galahad
May 17, 2003, 06:12 PM
8.) THE MAN FROM B.U.N.C.O.----This is the gun shop employee who just lives for the people who come in asking for a "first gun." This is the guy who sells a $1,000 .45 1911 or a S&W M629 .44mag w/ 4" barrel to a 100 pound woman who plays violin for the symphony, sets the table with two forks and two spoons (if you don't know, don't ask, go out to eat at a place that has linen napkins folded into roses inside the wine glasses and watch everyone else), and drives a Jag when she came in asking for a small handgun for self-defense but nothing that kicks too hard because she's never fired a gun before. And he hands her over to one of the Tactical Timmys or Adam 12 Years Old for "training". This is the guy who sells a .300 Winchester Magnum to the guy who's looking for his first rifle to plink at tin cans with. This is the guy who buys battle packs of 7.62x39mm ammo out of Shotgun News for $99 per thousand rounds, breaks them up, and sells ziplok baggies of 20 rounds for $8.99 each. This is the guy who buys slightly used guns that still have original boxes at gun shows and sells them as new. Yep, we all know who is clown is. He sells .30'06 rifles to guys looking for a home defense firearm. He also does "gunsmithing". See all the little springs on the floor?

9.) ONE FLOP COP----This guy actually is a cop. How he got to be one is anyone's guess. This is the guy who's in the shop in non-CCW states that sees you buying a little NAA mini-revolver or a little Kel-Tec and says, "I better not ever catch you carrying that thing! I'll be keeping an eye on you" This is the guy who sees you buying an AR and says "You need proper training to use that! Don't let me catch you shooting that thing out in the woods!" This is the guy who sees you buying Gold Dot ammo and says, "Better not shoot an intruder with those; we cops use Hydra-Shok and only those can be defended in court!" This is the guy who offers to "teach" proper firearms handling to women new to shooting over dinner and drinks. This is the guy who, at one time, accidently shot himself in the fourth point of contact while holstering his off-duty piece. This is the guy who goes out to the range and tries to bully his way into running the range and tries evicting everyone who doesn't think he's a god. This is the guy who refers to everyone at the range as "numbn*ts", or dumba**" or other such terms of endearment. Everyone who hits their targets is "showing off and being an a**", but when he misses, it's the stupid gun and everyone distracting him. This is the guy that makes people root for the Hell's Angels they hope he stops one day and tries kicking around.
10.) PRECISION INC.-----This is the guy who shows up to the range with a tricked out bolt gun with bipod, sandbag, range finder, binos, a tackle box full of gear, and tons of other gear. He does a full cleaning between each shot. It takes him 20 minutes to make one shot. He aims, releases, looks through range finder, looks through binos, picks up rifle and aims, stops, picks up range finder. Then unloads rifle and starts fiddling around with it. No matter what rifle you have, it's an "innaccurate hunk o' crap" according to this guy. All "serious shooters" have to have a tackle box, a wheeled cart, a spotting scope, a range finder, binos (three different sizes) a crisply ironed shooting jacket with organizational patches all over it, sandbags, tripods, bipods, monopods, quadrapods, octapods, peapods, a wooden cleaning equipment case, complete tool kit on rollaway, cooler loaded with turkey breast, brie cheese, and organic alfalfa sprouts with dijon mustard on sprouted wheat bread sandwiches, organic carrot wedges, and Perrier, a $150 dollar safari hat, $400 shooting glasses, $500 hearing protection, and an Avalanche to haul all this crap around in. Sometimes this guy is sponsored by different companies that tailor-make this guy's plunder and then he says, "See you should have this. See how accurate_________is?" Yeah, it'd be accurate for me too if it was tailor-made for me. :rolleyes:

May 17, 2003, 09:08 PM
sandbags, tripods, bipods, monopods, quadrapods, octapods, peapods Port-a-pod?
And a partridge in a pear tree!

May 17, 2003, 09:45 PM
SG, you should put these all in one thread and then have a "gun guy anonymous" where people admit to which ones they are like. Most of us aren't quite to the extremes that are seen here, but we all lean one way or another. I will admit to being part Gear Guy and part Precision, Inc. In something of a defense, I worked part time for a precision rifle store, so if I didn't have a tricked out bolt gun, then people would wonder...

The Gear Guy part of me, well, there's no defending that one... :D

Oh yeah, my Benelli and one of my Mossies have ghost rings... :D

May 17, 2003, 09:45 PM
I saw this precision inc. type.
He and his wife had an AR-10(t)
they'd spend the better part of a day firing a box of FGM .308, cleaning, firing a box, cleaning. Mind you firing 20 rounds would take the whole shooting period.
They weren't breaking it in either. Just benchresting the ole AR-10.


PS they must have been loaded, FGM is expensive :)

Jim March
May 17, 2003, 09:57 PM
10.) PRECISION INC.-----

Hey, that reminds me, anybody seen Atek3...?


Recon By Fire
May 17, 2003, 10:00 PM
Very Funny, lots of the crazy Hicks out there

Penetration Pete, is he also a member of the Rainbow community?

May 17, 2003, 10:34 PM
Speaking of which, has anyone seen my cooler loaded with turkey breast, brie cheese, and organic alfalfa sprouts with dijon mustard on sprouted wheat bread sandwiches, organic carrot wedges, and Perrier laying around?


carp killer
May 17, 2003, 11:59 PM
What about those guys who butt in to your conversations at the gun shop and proceed to brag about their 400 yd head shots on ground squirrels with a stone stock Mini 14. They can do it all day long you know. :scrutiny: Another favorite is the gun show dealer telling the recent widow that her dead husbands Winchester 1873 .22 rimfire is only worth $150.:fire: But he is willing to take it off her hands.:barf:

May 18, 2003, 01:26 AM
Yeah.. we need a poll...
Which One Are You... type thing..

Sir Galahad
May 18, 2003, 02:34 AM
Big coffee urn. Lots of chain-smoking... "Hi. I'm _______ and I'm an unwanted gun adviceaholic. It started easy enough. Just a simple telling a guy buying an AK that it was an inaccurate sheet metal commie hunk of crap. Then the next thing, I had twenty pounds of optics on the front of my AR-15. I was having to go out on my lunch breaks to go to the gun shop and tell guys buying Ruger M77s that they were buying a total POS. I started getting the shakes when I'd think of all the guys buying Saigas wen I wasn't there to tell them what a hunk of crap they were. Yeah, yeah, you think it's easy? I started experimenting in wildcat cartridges. Who knew? Yeah, you been there, too? I was telling guys shooting .308 what a pile of excrement that round is. I was actually telling non-gun owners what to buy if they ever wanted to buy a gun. Then one day, I looked in the mirror, and I had so much black nylon crap hanging off me, I looked like one of those freaks in some bondage movie. I took the nightlight out of the bathroom just so I could use my Surefire when making a midnight potty call. I even attached a Crimson Trace lasergrip to my John Thomas for practice. It was too hard to attach a red dot. The Tac Star light cord pulled out hair. It hurt. But I tried it."

Yep.....some folks need help...

Mike Irwin
May 18, 2003, 03:24 PM
Great post, Galahad, VERY funny!

However, you forgot...

MILE SHOT MILT -- Loves to regale everyone with his hunting prowess. Every head of game he's ever taken has been a clean kill, through the heart shot. But they've all been at 1,000+ yards, in the middle of an F5 twister, at night.

MOTOR MOUTH MURRAY -- Thinks he's the owner's or counterman's best friend. He'd never consider buying anything, because he doesn't really shoot, hunt, or fish. He just loves to talk. He'll corner the workers and talk about anything. Non stop. If the counterman has to go to the back, no problem, he latches on to a customer and continues his story. The stories never go anywhere, they just ramble. At the end of the day he has to be forcibly ejected.

Sir Galahad
May 18, 2003, 04:17 PM
Mik, LOL, I've met the Motor Mouth. This one told me that the .30 Carbine was HANDS DOWN the best combat round every developed. Far superior to that POS .223, and even better than that worthless commie POS the 7.62x39mm. And you can handload the .30 Carbine to give better performance for self-defense and der hunting than a .357 Magnum. Bet ya didn't know that. Wow...I was so impressed, I thought, gee, I could have just bought a .30 carbine and not bothered with that POS AK or that POS .308 or that POS .357 revolver. Who knew? Yea, I bet I could put a V8 engine in a AMC Pacer, but at the end of the day, the question remains: WHY!!??? Guy also tried to tell me that a 9mm bullet wouldn't stop a jackrabbit much less a human being. And that the only reason the Schmeisser blew so many people away was because they were so skinny and starved, the 9mm bullet hit their vitals easier because their vitals were so close together at that point. Bet ya didn't know that, did ya? And also, the Walther PPK is a chunk o' bleep because it's actually made out of melted down Stukas. Hmmmm....well, that would mean it at least killed some people at one point in its past life, right?

May 19, 2003, 12:30 PM

Resign the CIA and start writing... Great series.

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