Not everyone likes rhymes, but...


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Oleg Volk
July 24, 2007, 03:12 PM
http://olegvolk.net/gallery/d/21330-2/latehour5308.jpg

Am I missing commas after "911" or around "12:06"?

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hrgrisso
July 24, 2007, 03:15 PM
As everyone reading my story can attest to, but I love this poster! Oleg you've got to start making movie poster size poster we can order from you, hard backed etc. Man my house would be such a political statement! lol!

BryanP
July 24, 2007, 03:15 PM
Someone else may correct me, but I believe the comma should be moved so that it reads like this:


Around midnight she called 911,
but by 12:06 the fighting was done.
No time to wait for help to arrive,
so she used her rifle to stay alive.

RNB65
July 24, 2007, 03:19 PM
Forget the grammer, what kind of rifle is that? I've never seen one like it. It looks vaguely like an SKS with a bunch of other stuff on it.

BryanP
July 24, 2007, 03:22 PM
Forget the grammer, what kind of rifle is that?

She doesn't look like any grammer I've ever seen. But we are discussing Oleg's grammar. :neener:

That's a MAS 49 I believe.

Rich K
July 24, 2007, 03:22 PM
I like poetry.

Oleg Volk
July 24, 2007, 03:23 PM
Rifle info: http://olegvolk.livejournal.com/284851.html

RNB65
July 24, 2007, 03:31 PM
Damn, I just learned something. I thought Stoner invented the direct gas impingement system and it turns out some Frenchman named Rossignol invented it. Stoner just copied it for the AR. Fascinating... :)

p.s. Forget the GRAMMAR and spelling, tell me more about interesting guns!

ArfinGreebly
July 24, 2007, 03:35 PM
Just for the sake of cadence . . .
Near midnight she called 911,
by 12:06 was the fighting done.
No time to wait for help to arrive,
she used her rifle to stay alive.

Changes "around" to "near" to knock off a syllable.

Drops the "but" in line two (fewer syllables) and moves "was" into a deliberately "poetic usage" position.

Drops the "so" from line four for syllable reduction.

Just my take.

Oh, and that's a great photo! Thanks!

RNB65
July 24, 2007, 03:44 PM
Changes "around" to "near" to knock off a syllable.

No, no, you don't want to do that. 'Round Midnight is a jazz classic. That's what it should be. Just drop the A.

romma
July 24, 2007, 03:50 PM
:neener: On Dasher on Dancer!!

romma
July 24, 2007, 03:51 PM
At quarta to one, da fightin' wuz done, no need for 9-1-1... Oh!

TallPine
July 24, 2007, 04:09 PM
In poetry, i Think you can Make up your own spelling, and punctuatioN rules ;)

You do have a poetic license, don't you?

romma
July 24, 2007, 04:52 PM
In poetry, i Think you can Make up your own spelling, and punctuatioN rules

I sure do! It helps convey proper Brooklynese dialect...

scout26
July 24, 2007, 05:04 PM
Sounds like it could be one of Champaign County Rifle Associations "Burma Shave" Signs:

Around midnight she called 911,
but by 12:06 the fighting was done.
No time to wait for help to arrive,
so she used her rifle to stay alive.
www.gunssavelife.com


Great Poster

Sage of Seattle
July 24, 2007, 05:40 PM
I'm no pro, but I can write poetry pretty well and as far as my take is, there aren't really any grammar or punctuation rules in poetry. Punctuation is supposed to help with the meter and flow of the work; the stuff about setting off prepositional phrases and so on is only for prose, really. I rarely use punctuation in my own poetry. It's easier for me to read, but it can be difficult for others to get the right cadence down.

My own sense of rhythm would have Oleg's work read like this:

Just around midnight, she called 911
But by 12:06 the fighting was done
No time to wait for police to arrive
So she used her trusty rifle to help keep alive

Neo-Luddite
July 24, 2007, 08:28 PM
No commas needed--it will flow with natural pauses.

I wish I had snagged a MAS when they were common.

Oleg--that model is terrific. I know nothing about how photography works, especially the interpersonal dimmension, but her deadpan expression is great.

GhostlyKarliion
July 24, 2007, 08:55 PM
I like it Oleg, looks great.

Standing Wolf
July 24, 2007, 08:58 PM
Doggerel. Sorry.

bogie
July 25, 2007, 01:55 AM
Time to edit...

'Round midnight, she dialed 9-1-1
By 12:06, the fighting was done
While waiting for help to arrive
She used her gun to say alive.

I'd also switch to caps/lower case.

Or all lower case. Remember the audience.

Oleg Volk
July 25, 2007, 02:00 AM
Doggerel

Got suggestions for replacement text?

Red Dragon
July 25, 2007, 02:41 AM
Just a thought....opinion...you know, whatever...from one poet to another.

The way the rhythm feels in my mind, perhaps the only thing I would do is start the first line with " 'Round about midnight".
The last line could be "She used her rifle and she stayed alive"

Again, each poet has their own rhythm and feel for the poems so take any of my ideas for what they are worth, which is no more than anyone else.

Blackbeard
July 25, 2007, 01:37 PM
Simplify:

At midnight she called 911
By 12:06 the deed was done
At 12:15 the cops arrived
Thank her rifle she's still alive

CountGlockula
July 25, 2007, 04:59 PM
Here's my version:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v171/Gregdog/latehour5308.jpg

TallPine
July 25, 2007, 05:50 PM
Oleg, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
Hurry, quick! Dial Nine-One-One
If you speak English, please press one.
No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Anybody want a peanut?

ArfinGreebly
July 25, 2007, 06:50 PM
:D

Inconceivable!

:D

Standing Wolf
July 25, 2007, 08:17 PM
Got suggestions for replacement text?


No. Sorry. I've never been a rhymster.

Oleg Volk
July 25, 2007, 08:27 PM
Doesn't have to rhyme.

Doggy Daddy
July 25, 2007, 08:54 PM
She called for help,
Got put on hold.
Her rifle stopped
The bad guy cold.

Doggy Daddy
July 25, 2007, 09:05 PM
The bad guy advanced down the hall.
She gave nine-eleven a call.
The police were delayed,
But she wasn't afraid,
'Cause she could take care of it all.



(Note: Use typical limerick cadence.)

Oleg Volk
July 25, 2007, 09:21 PM
I like these!

mustanger98
July 25, 2007, 09:26 PM
Post #27's got me laughin'.:D

Doggy Daddy
July 25, 2007, 09:51 PM
The stalker was heard to opine,
"Before the cops get here, she's mine!"
But she ruined his fun
When she pulled out a gun
And handled the stalker just fine.

Doggy Daddy
July 25, 2007, 09:55 PM
Alternate non-PC version:

The stalker was heard to opine,
"Before the cops get here, she's mine!"
But she ruined his fun
When she pulled out a gun
And blew out the dumb crackhead's spine.

budney
July 25, 2007, 10:06 PM
She called for help,
Got put on hold.
Her rifle stopped
The bad guy cold.

Burma Shave

bogie
July 25, 2007, 11:15 PM
The roses were red.
And the stalker called too.

I bought a rifle.
Can you sleep too?

TallPine
July 26, 2007, 09:45 AM
At midnight a pretty young lass
Woke to the breaking of glass
She called nine-one-one
But they never did come
So she shot the bastard in the ass

ReadyontheRight
July 26, 2007, 10:43 AM
How about a haiku:

A thief in the night.
Nine One One takes way too long.
Boom! No more bad guy.

:D

Red Dragon
July 26, 2007, 02:12 PM
great haiku. :D

Red Dragon
July 26, 2007, 02:39 PM
'twas the night before Friday
when a badguy did come.
She was home all alone
so she called 911.

"police are en route"
the operator said
but by the time they get here
she may be dead.

Seconds count she thought
when you must stay alive
so she picked up her rifle
and she loaded in five.

The footsteps grew louder
on the second floor
so she chambered a round
and she aimed at the door.

Her attacker was armed
and he came in the room
the silence was broken
by an incredible BOOM.

His face showed great shock
when he heard the loud sound
then he grabbed his chest
and he fell to the ground.

The cops arrived later
and found the man dead
she thanked them for coming
and went back to bed.

zeroskillz
July 26, 2007, 02:57 PM
At 12:01 she called 911
At 12:02 her gun she drew
At 12:03 she tried to flee
At 12:04 he opened her door
At 12:05 her muzzle did rise
At 12:06 she shot the prick
By 12:07 he was on his way to heaven
At 12:08 he was turned away from them pearly gates
:D

TallPine
July 26, 2007, 03:38 PM
Red Dragon wins hands down :D

Now if Oleg can figure out a way to fit that on a poster... :uhoh:

romma
July 26, 2007, 03:38 PM
Bang Bang Bad Guy Dead. Bang Bang, Got Shot In The Head... :evil:

Oleg Volk
July 26, 2007, 03:50 PM
Red Dragon,


That was awesome!

TaxPhd
July 26, 2007, 04:56 PM
Give it one more line (and minor editing) and make it a proper limerick . . .

Near midnight she called 911,
by 12:06 the fighting was done.
The help didn't arrive,
so use a rifle to stay alive.
God bless a woman with a gun!





Scott

Will Learn
July 26, 2007, 06:29 PM
Split second decisions
can't be made in minutes,
so be brave with defenses
or wait to be finished.

wjustinen
July 27, 2007, 06:46 PM
She called for help,
Got put on hold.
Her rifle stopped
The bad guy cold.

or

Called 911,
was asked to hold.
Her rifle stopped
the bad guy cold.

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