[Skunkabilly]

Fountain Valley, CA

A man was hospitalized today after his toaster went off. Brad Turner, a single Fountain Valley man was left with burns on his right eye and cheek when his toaster went off by itself. The jelly-filled pastry broke and the jelly, which is sticky, clinged to his skin, leaving him burnt.

"Toasters should have safety devices, at the very minimum, if not child-proof devices," his parent's lawyer said. Turner is 34 and lives with his parents.

His lawyer did not comment on why he put his face up to the toaster when it was plugged in, the lever was pressed down and loaded with a pastry.

"He was sure it was unloaded," his parents said.

A suit has been filed to sue Black & Decker and Kelloggs for marketing unsafe products, and the Sears department store being partially responsible for negligently selling a defective product.

Other states have loaded toaster indicators as well as ballstic bakery legislation in the works.

Turner's lawyer: "There should have been a safety warning to prevent accidents like this. Children can be killed, or worse, by toasters."

[WonderNine]

parody alert! :D

[pytron]

All toasters are always loaded.

Do not point your toaster at anything you do not wish to toast.

Keep you finger off the button until ready to toast.

Know your kitchen and what is above the toaster.

[Preacherman]

Questions:

1. Does this thread make Skunk a "post toaster"??

2. If the victim loses the lawsuit, will he be "toast"??

3. Is this a post to roast the toast, or is Skunk a poster who roasts the toaster?

Plenty more where those came from... :D

[StLGlocker]

Toasters should have one slot. Why would anyone need to toast four (and on some assault models, EIGHT) of anything? We need a law.

Pressure-sensitive plates to activate a flashing light and audible alarm when the toaster is loaded will be mandatory on all new models by 2006. Toasters manufactured prior to 2006 will be grandfathered, but manufacturers will be required to retro-fit existing toasters with temperature governors, to ensure that jam filling does not reach unacceptably high temperatures. When a given toaster is too old to accept retrofitting, it shall be exchanged for an updated model at no cost to the consumer, financed by a toaster buy-back program.

[Ed Brunner]

Toasters are dangerous. Seriously, I am surprised that they are not more controlled than what they are. I guess it is because THEY have toasters.

[Standing Wolf]

...and the jelly, which is sticky, clinged to his skin...

Clung.

[444]

Cling
Clang
Clung

Ring
Rang
Rung

[4v50 Gary]

ding
dang
dong

[standingbear]

...toasters arent dishwasher safe either(i bet someone has already tried this)it went off by itself...hmmmm.perhaps theyll come up with some toaster safty device that keeps people from sticking their fingers,forks and faces away from the toaster slot.:rolleyes:

[Robby from Long Island]

I think it's disgraceful the way you guys aren't taking this more seriously.:rolleyes: :D

[Skunkabilly]

ding
dang
dong

Are you making fun of Asian people? :scrutiny:

:D

[Jim March]

Ya, you laugh.

Somewhere on the 'net I came across plans to turn a microwave oven into a directed energy-beam weapon :eek:.

:)

(And yes, I really DID come across such plans. Completely psycho.)

[Frohickey]

Toasters need to be licensed and registered. Otherwise, you could have a psycho use a toaster in the commission of a crime, like toasting croisants.

Also, we need to make sure that people cannot carry concealed toasters.

[TexasVet]

1. Does this thread make Skunk a "post toaster"??

No, no, no! It makes him a "toast poster"!:D "post toasting" is called flaming!

[4570Rick]

Was the appropriate waiting period observed prior to taking possession of said toaster?:scrutiny:

[300lbGorilla]

Don't toast your bread... it's bad for the children!!!

[erikm]

Hmm ... Fully automatic beltfed toaster ... :scrutiny:

While I can see a practical use for such a beast I don't really want to go there. :D

Cheers,
ErikM :evil:

[Azrael256]

...headache...

[Kharn]

Was it an Armalite toaster? Those damn gun-industry capitalists cant make anything right, their guns go out and kill innocent people who are trying to scrape out a living in the drug trade and their toasters viciously maim innocent people who are simply trying to enjoy breakfast. When will the insanity end? :rolleyes:

Kharn

[taoshooter]

It is my understanding that the toaster in the incident was a black multi slot assault model. Had this been a red single slot sport model all this would probably never have happened.

[enichols]

The toaster, just one of a myriad of Evil Kitchen Assault Appliances. When used in conjunction with deadly rapid-cook microwaves and high-capacity ovens, toasters are a lethal threat to any man, woman or child exposed to them.

[Mike Irwin]

No one needs to be able to toast more than one slice of bread at a time.

We have to outlaw these deadly 4-slot urban assault toasters...

As a counterpoint, slogans from the National Toaster Association (NTA)

"If you outlaw toasters, only soccer moms will own toasters."


"From my warm, buttery fingers!"

[Kharn]

Especially outlaw those conveyor belt-fed toasters, each UDel cafeteria has one, and damn those things can toast a lot more than anyone could ever need. Two pieces of bread can fit in side-by-side and get fully toasted in about a minute, with another two pieces of bread being done every 10 seconds, its just too much I tell you.

Kharn

[Mike Irwin]

Those things also work as flame throwers, Kharn...

Used to work at a financial institution with its own cafeteria.

Someone got a bagel caught in one, and just walked away. Didn't turn it off or anything.

I'm standing by the juice machine when I notice it smoking, and suddenly belch fire. Pretty neat, but Oh! The Humanity!

[Preacherman]

Mike, those things run on conveyor belts - does that count as a drive-by shooting? :D

[Mike Irwin]

No, Preacher...

Obviously it's an automatic belt-fed toaster...

HK, Cuisinart, Browning, Krups...

All make these deadly toasting machines.

[Nathaniel Firethorn]

Toasters with any combination of (a) a Good Grips grip (b) a folding glass door, or (c) a Pop-Tart launcher are assault toasters.They make civilians climb up towers and start throwing club sandwiches at people. Only the police, the military, and the CIA (Culinary Institute of America) need them.

- pdmoderator

[ysr_racer]

Turner is 34 and lives with his parents....


This is the scary part :)

[Ledbetter]

Hollow-point toast filled with hot clingy jelly. The horrors.

[Nathaniel Firethorn]

And why isn't anyone trying to ban cop-killer donuts? :confused:

- pdmoderator

[erikm]

Toasters with any combination of (a) a Good Grips grip (b) a folding glass door, or (c) a Pop-Tart launcher are assault toasters.They make civilians climb up towers and start throwing club sandwiches at people. Only the police, the military, and the CIA (Culinary Institute of America) need them. :D
You're forgetting (d) automatic jelly spreader. Also, any toaster that can 'process' more than 30 slices per minute has to be a totally evil 'artillery' toaster. :)

I'm imagining Rube Goldberg hopper-fed contraptions toasting, buttering and throwing bread every which way. :D

Cheers,
ErikM :evil:

[Elmer Snerd]

There are numerous articles (http://www.pmichaud.com/toast/) on the Internet that describe (http://members.aol.com/kirbybird/poptarts.html) how to disable (http://www.geocities.com/transactoid/poptarts.html) a toaster's commonsense safety devices and convert (http://www.wetjen.com/toast/) a common household toaster into a deadly assault flamethrower (http://www.geocities.com/fishbulb42/poptarts.htm).

This "wildcat" modification uses a modified, flattened "jelly core" pastry with a "flaky" high fragmentation crust(Most JCP's are designated JSC, or Jacketed Soft Crust). JCP's have "soft cores" that expand on impact. They are designed to have maximum effect on human tissues. They are so traumatic that they have been known to cause long-term(sometimes permanent) swelling around the digestive tract. Only extensive physical therapy can reduce this horrific effect. "Dough Nuts" complain endlessly about how much they enjoy or even need JCP's, but we must face the cold hard fact that they have no legitimate dining purpose.

As if that weren't bad enough, any child can buy a high-capacity assault toaster (http://www.cooking.com/products/shprodde.asp?SKU=179276) that is plastic-coated! Yes, you read that correctly! First it was black plastic guns, now we have black plastic toasters!

We must do something! Any child can look up these terrorism instructions on the Internet! Any child can buy an unregistered Scary Evil Black Plastic High Capacity Assault Toaster from a housewares show or an appliance store! Any child can buy Jelly Core Pastries to load it with, and smuggle this engine of death through any metal detector!

Write your Congressperson now! Contact PETA(People for the Ethical Treatment of Appliances) and the Million Moonpie March now! Support Toaster Locks! Support commonsense appliance registration! Support banning killer pastries!

It's For The Chilllldrrrrennnn!(tm)!

Oh, in case it's not obvious...
;) ;) ;)
:D

Edited to correct typos and to make it more(pardon the pun) inflammatory.

[Chipper]

What I want to know is where was the BATEF? (Bureau of Alcohol, Toast and Exploding Food). We're getting raped for all these tax dollars and nothing's being done!

Chipper

[4v50 Gary]

Skunk - it's conjugation w/out sense.

Ding is something that happens to wood & metal when a harder object impacts it and leaves an impression.

Dang is something a socially acceptable phrase denoting frustration.

Dong is the peel of bells when Quasi-Modo swings from the bell of Notre Dame.

It has nothing to do w/peepul.

[cordex]

And why isn't anyone trying to ban cop-killer donuts?
They are ... but they'll still be legal for LEOs.

[Preacherman]

Elmer is hereby nominated for THR Researcher Of The Year for what obviously represents months - nay, years! - of selfless dedication to the pursuit of knowledge, particularly as it refers to pop tarts and toasters. He flames us all!

:D

[Ledbetter]

Jacketed Soft Crusts--that's the term I was looking for. Banned in New Jersey, right?

[Frohickey]

I propose that we dovetail a ban on cop-killer jelly donuts to legislation seeking to ban hi-capacity assault toasters and toaster ovens.

Do it for the chill-ren!!!

[griz]

If they start making toasters with carbon fiber handles then I will only eat biscuits.:neener: ;)