[Marintime Mike]

How the public thinks of hunters in New Brunswick....come to think of it...knowing some of the hunters I know...they ain't far off the mark.
Please forgive if you've seen this before.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man in a panic pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, " I think my friend is dead ! What should I DO ? "
The operator , in a calm soothing voice replies..."Ok...take it easy...we can handle this...I can help....First, let's make sure he's dead. "
The phone goes silent,,,there is a loud BANG !....Back on the phone, the hunter says, " OK,,,now what ?"

[Bitmap]

Can I tell one?

A man finally convinces his wife to go hunting with him. He teaches her how to shoot, hunting laws, all that stuff.

When the season opens he takes her out and puts her in a stand over a deer trail. He tells her "When a deer walks down the trail, shoot it in the chest, just like I showed you." Then he head off towards his stand a few hundred yards away.

Before he gets there he hears BLAM. He thinks, "Man, that was quick. Then he hears BLAM, BLAM, BLAM.

He hurries to her stand and finds her pointing her rifle at a guy spread eagled on the ground next to the trail. She yells out "That :cuss: tried to steal my deer!"

The man raises his head and says "No Ma'm. NO MA'M! I was just trying to get my saddle of off it."

[FLORIDA KEVIN]

Thats likke the guy who hunted out of a treestand so he wouldn't be mistaken for a deer ! Well it worked great ,because the guy that shot him said he thought he was a bear !:)

[Marintime Mike]

I have actually SEEN farmers around here hang cardboard signs on their cattle....THIS IS A COW....PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT IT !

[Legionnaire]

Hunter asks his buddy if he wants to go squirrel hunting on Saturday. "Sure!" says his buddy. "Okay, pick you up around 7:00 a.m." 7:00 a.m. on Saturday hunter picks up buddy and asks him, "Hey, where's your gun?" Buddy says, "I don't need no gun for squirrel. I just ugly them to death." "This I gotta see," says hunter.

Sure enough, when they get to the woods and spot the first squirrel, hunter invites his buddy to "take the first shot." So buddy walks under the tree, looks up, and waits for the squirrel to peak at him. When the squirrel does, buddy makes a grimace and the squirrel falls lifeless at his feet.

Hunter says, "Wow! I've never seen anything like that before! You must be the only person in the world who can do that." "Nah," says his buddy; "My wife can do it, too. But I quit bringing her along. She tears the meat up too much."

[ZeSpectre]

Man's out hunting with a double barrel and along comes the biggest bear he's ever seen so he lets fly with both barrels. Amazingly enough all it seems to do is piss off the bear who starts running at the man.

Realizing he has no time to reload and no chance to outrun the bear the man drops to his knees and thinking of the old adage of "live and let live" he prays "Oh God, please save me, please make this a Christian bear".

Inches away the bear suddenly stops, drops into a kneeling position and in a deep thunderous voice begins to pray..."For this meal we are about to receive we are thankful!

[tinygnat219]

Man walks into a bar


and says "Ouch"

[thekid]

Here's one.
Three hunters are out in the field and at the the end of the day, only two make it back to camp. About a week later teh missing hunter is found hungry and exausted. The rescuers asked, "Well, why didn't you fire three shots in the air?" He answered,"I did but I ran out of arrows!"

[qajaq59]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man in a panic pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, " I think my friend is dead ! What should I DO ? "
The operator , in a calm soothing voice replies..."Ok...take it easy...we can handle this...I can help....First, let's make sure he's dead. "
The phone goes silent,,,there is a loud BANG !....Back on the phone, the hunter says, " OK,,,now what ?"
No, I hadn't heard it but I sure did like it. ha ha ha

[Twig]

Not much of a joke here

[hopkin]

I hope this isn't to racy for THR...

A man is hunting bears in the woods when a large grizzly leaps out at him. To his surprise, the grizzly doesn't attack him, and instead speaks to him. "No one hnts me and gets away with it! I'll make you a deal," say the bear, "I won't eat you if you let me have sex with you. Your choice". Thinking anything is better than death, the hunter drops his trousers, lets the bear do his business then limps home.

Vowing revenge, the hunter returns to the woods determined to kill the grizzly. Equipped with a powerful rifle and a very sore bottom, he spends 2 days stalking the bear until - disaster - the bear leaps out from behind a tree and knocks the rifle from the hunter's hands. "Okay, hunter, you know the deal", says bear. Once again the hunter endures the bears passionate embrace and goes home.

By now the hunter is half-mad with rage and returns to the wood to stalk his prey. As he sneaks through the woods he feels a gentle tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the grizzly smilling at him. "You're not really here for the hunting, are you?", says the bear.

[Picknlittle]

Friend of mine went hunting with me in Wash. State up on Mt. Baker. We agreed to split up and meet back at camp about dark.

Well, my friend never showed up. I got pretty concerned about him, so I return to the place I left him and pick up his trail.

Near dark I found him, sitting, sobbing scared out of his mind.

I asked, "What happened to ya?"

"He said I got lost. After about three hours I decided to shoot two shots into the air and stay put to see if anyone would come. Two hours later I shot two more shots in the air but no one came. I was afraid to shoot any more,...I only two more arrows!"

[S&W620]

Bear....****s Self
A fellow was telling a couple his friends about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. "I was goin' through the woods", he said, "when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly."....."Wow!", said one of the friends, "that must've been really scary". ..."Yeah", said the man telling the story, "The grizzly reared up like this" (man stands up, raises both hands in front...with hands clawed), "and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just sh*t all over myself"\!!"...."Well, hell", says one of the buddies, "I'd sh*t all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me."......"No, no," said the teller, I didn't mean, then.....I meant, just now...when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"!

[30-06 lover]

An elk guide met a girl and decided to marry her. He didn't know her that well, but "felt" there was a connection and thought she would love being a guides wife. They live in the city for a few months and eveything is great, then elk season rolls around and the guide tells his wife "time to head up there and set up base camp." The guide brings three mules loaded with supplies to get up to his base camp to start things. The wife hadn't been outdoors with her new husband yet and from the beginning hated it. She starts in and says "This is no fun, Take me back home." Then right after she says that a mule stumbles and the guide says "That's one!" to the mule. Confused the wife asks "Why talk to a mule?" Then angered by no reponce says "This whole trip is stupid." The guide sees the mule stumble again and says "That's two!!" to the mule. The wife tells the guide "I'm tired and want to rest and you better cook me a good meal while I rellax." Then the mule stumbles again and the guides screams "that's three!!!" The guide draws his 44 mag and shoots the mule in the back of the head. The wife mad that he shot the mule and for not responding to her at all says "Talk to me you sonofvabitch!" Calmly the guide looks at his bride and says "thats one." The wife and guide have had no other disputes to this day.

[John4me05]

The big bad wolf was in the forrest hiding behind a rock when Little red riding hood came skipping down the trail... She saw the wolf and said "My what big ears you have"... The wolf ran away on down the path.. Red keep skipping along and comes around a bend and see the wolf hiding behind a tree... Red says "My what big teeth you have".. The wolf scurries on down the trail.. Red keeps along and pops up on the wolf again hiding behind a log.. Red says "My what big eyes you have".. The wolf replies... "Knock it off will ya.... Im tryin to poop!!!!"

[hounddog]

Bob invites Jed to go hunting. They drive out to the farm where they plan on hunting. Bob gets out to go up to the farm house to let the owner know he is going to be hunting. The poor old widow who lives there asks Bob if he would do him a favor and shoot her poor old mule. Bob decides to have a little fun with it. Goes back to the car, fuming that the mean ole bitty won't let them hunt. "I'll show her," he states as he pulls out his rifle and shoots the mule. Behind him comes another Kaboom. Jed proclaimed, "I shot her cow."

[scout26]

Bubba and Billy joe go out hunting when Billy Joe accidently shoots Bubba.

Billy Joe drags Bubba back to the truck and rushes him to the hospital.

After awhile the doctor comes out and Billy Joe asks the doc: "Is Bubba gonna make it ??"

The Doc says "Well it doesn't look good, we'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

[gunmn74]

I 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his physical.
The Doc asks how are you, and the old fellow replies
that he feels great. He said I have a new 19 year old
wife who is pregnant with my baby.
The doctor say old fellow sit down here I have a story
to tell you. I have a friend who is an older gentleman
like you and we do alot of hunting. I went to pick him
up last week and in a rush he grabbed his cane instead
of his gun but I did'nt say anything. We get to field
and there is a beaver and the old gentlemen lifts up his
cane and goes BANG BANG and the beaver fell dead.
The Doc asks the old gentlemen what he thought about
that story and the old gentlemen replied I think someone
else shot that beaver. The Doc replied I think the same
may apply in your case.:D

[Starter52]

A Mass. hunter heads up in NH to go bear hunting.

He's driving along Rt. 16 and he sees a road sign that says "BEAR RIGHT". He jumps out with his gun and goes to the right, but there is no bear.

A little further along he sees another road sign "BEAR RIGHT". Again he jumps out, runs to the right, but does not see a bear.

Another few miles, and he sees a road sign that says "BEAR LEFT".








So he put his gun away and went home.

[Marintime Mike]

Hey scout....it must be my wierd sense of humour...but I liked that joke...."we'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first"....I live in hillbilly country and the people around here would probably say...so...what's wrong with THAT ?.....

[zxcvbob]

http://www.ianai.net/jokes/FishinAintSoBad

[scout26]

[Elvis voice] Thankyou, thankyouverymuch[/Elvis voice]

[mudslinging79]

what about the 2 guys out hunting and they stumble across some tracks.
first guy says those are deer tracks, other guy insists they are elk. while they are arguing, a train comes by and hits them

[NRA4LIFE]

Bob and Ed are going out to deer hunt one morning. Bob tells Ed to sit up against that big oak tree. Bob wanders off to where he's going to sit and shoots a deer, not far from where Ed was sitting. Bob goes back to get Ed to help him but finds Ed asleep and decides to play a trick on him. Bob took the gut pile from his deer and sets it between Ed's legs and then drags the deer back to camp. Ed stumbles in to camp a few hours later and says "My god, Bob, your not going to believe what happened to me". Bob says "What happened"? Ed then says "I fell asleep against that oak tree and S*** my guts out." Bob answeres back "My god Ed, what did you do?". Ed replied "Well I shoved 'em all back in!"

[NRA4LIFE]

2 gentleman from Illinois went deer hunting in Wisconsin and shot a deer. They started dragging it back by the hind legs and were having a heck of a time dragging it when they came acrooss another hunter. The hunter explained to them that they should drag it by the head, as it is much easier. One of the men then replied "We tried that but we kept getting farther away from the truck!"

[bnelson2943]

A woman is at the funeral of her late husband. She is crying and several of her friends come over to try and console her. They talk about what a good man he was and how he really enjoyed hunting and shooting. The wife agrees with them and tells them his last words were about guns. Asked what his last words were his wife replies "Watch out honey, that might be loaded!!"

[scarredpelt]

Okay, I'll bite at the let's dig up an old thread:

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The secondhunter replies,"I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, " There's this old transmission here, give mea hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see My goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission.

[PT1911]

Two rich old city men are sitting at a coffee table having their morning coffee when one looks at the other and exclaims, " we should go bear hunting so we can get an authentic bear skin rug." The other friend agrees so they buy the nicest Jeep equipped with the findest off roading equipment money can buy, the best rifles and hunting gear, and head to Alaska to find a Grizzly.

Sure enough, they find one and as they are hauling out the carcass they come across a game warden. "Nice Grizzly you've got there guys. Mind if I see your hunting licenses?" Surprised, the men responded,"Licenses? we didnt know we needed a license to hunt a grizzly." The game warden shook his head and informed them that he would need to confiscate the bear as well as their rifles and jeep.

That evening, a little upset, the men are sitting at a local bar recalling the insident and they decide to give it another try. This time they buy the best 4x4 truck they can find, the best rifles money can buy, the best overall hunting gear, and are sure to buy their licenses before heading into the woods. Sure enough, they get another bear.. bigger than the first one. As they are hauling the bear out on the 4x4, they come across the same warden. "Can I see your licenses?" The men smile real big and produce the licenses without hesitation. "Very good, very good. Can I see your Bear tag?" With an extreme look of surprise the men just swallow and reponsd, "Tag?" The warden just shakes his head. "Sorry guys, I am going to have to take your bear, truck, and guns. You cannot hunt bear without the proper tags."

Later that evening the men are sitting in the bar and both are pissed. As a matter of principle and stubborness they are determined to leave with a Bear. So, they buy a new truck, even nicer than the first two, they buy the nicest rifles and best gear in town, and make sure to get the proper tags before heading out one more time. Sure enough, they find and kill another bear.. even bigger than the first two. As before, they come across the same warden on the way out of the woods. "Nice Bear guys. He is even bigger than the others. Can I see your licenses?" Grinning from ear to ear they both produce their licenses and tags. Satisfied that they have all the legalities covered , the warden compliments them on their bear but cannot help but ask why the shot the bear 3 times!!! once through both paws and once through the head. "The older man who shot the bear quickly corrected him... "NO!!!, I only shot him once, he threw up his paws when my friend shined the light in his face.


"Alright guys, going to need to confiscate your bear,guns........"

[natman]

A parable of American business.

The CEO, the CFO and the VP of a large corporation decide that the stress of running a large corporation has been too great and that what they need is a good vacation. So they book a bush plane and buy new Weatherby rifles with Swarovski scopes, new Goretex camo gear and sleeping bags, tents, etc. and charge it all to the company.

The bush pilot flies them into the Alaskan wilds and warns them "Hunt all you like, but with three guys and all this gear, I'm only going to be able to take out one deer.".

So he flies off and a week later when he returns, sure enough they each have a deer. The CFO approaches the pilot and says "Last year we gave the pilot a $5,000 bonus and he found a way to get all three deer out." So the pilot takes the 5 grand and packs all three guys, their gear and three deer on the plane.

The plane takes off but just clips a tree. The pilot is able to crash land, but the plane is wrecked and all three deer are lost.

The VP goes to the CEO and says "Good news, sir, we got half a mile farther than last year!".

[kanook]

A seal walks into a club ;)

[skiking]

Jim and John their buddy Frank out hunting to shoot Frank's first deer. Early in the morning, Jim shoots a deer. Before they gut the deer, Jim gets down on his knees and says a prayer thanking God for his harvest. He then puts a hand full of little brown things in his mouth and eats them. Frank asks, "what did you just do?" Jim replies, "It is a custom that hunters do after every kill, we eat a hand full of the deer's poop." A few hours later John shoots his deer. He gets down on his knees, says a prayer, and eats a hand full of little brown things. Later that afternoon Frank gets a buck in his sights and shoots his first deer. They walk up to the deer and Frank gets down on his knees and says a prayer. After his prayer he picks up a pile of deer poop and hesitantly puts it in his mouth and eats it with a look of disgust on his face. After he swallows, Jim and John fall on the ground and start laughing. Frank is a little confused and asks, "what is so funny?" John replies, "you just ate deer poop." Frank responds, "how is that funny? You guys ate some too." Jim replies, "those were Raisinets."

[~z]

Four guys have been hunting together for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he couldn't go, but what could they do.

Two days later the three get to the deer camp only to find Frank sitting there cold beer in hand, tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Night before last, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,“Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you want."


So, here I am

~z

[cottonmouth]

A fella goes on a fishing trip for several days and when he returns home his wife asks him did you catch anything? The man says no, I let several get away but I had a great time trying all my new lures out it was so much fun but honey I noticed that you forgot to pack my underwear, the wife says I put them in your damn tackle box........

J.B.

[JimKirk]

Game warden hears some loud booms around the bend in the river! Game warden says to himself " I guess them fools don't know hunting seasons over" ! He rounds the corner and sees two GA rednecks that are dynamite fishing. The GW pulls right up besides their boat and grabs the side of their boat. "What in the heck are you nuts doing"? RN in the back of the boat says "fishing sir, we be fishing"! GW starts in on them sure enough telling them how its illegal to fish with dynamite and that he going to carry them both to jail! About that time the RN in the front of the boat lights a stick of dynamite and hands it to the GW and says "well you gonna sit there or you gonna help us fish"!

[CoRoMo]

kanook...

That one's clever. It took me a couple seconds.:D

[CajunBass]

And the old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission.

I saw that one coming from a mile away. :neener:

And STILL couldn't stop laughing!! :D:D

[scarredpelt]

.

I saw that one coming from a mile away. :neener:

And STILL couldn't stop laughing!! :D:D
The first time I read that one I nearly had to take a trip to the hospital, I actually thought I had done myself some harm from laughing.