Zombie article in the San Francisco Chronicle


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4v50 Gary
February 13, 2008, 09:57 PM
Here's something from the mainstream (left) media.

Surving Zombie Attack link (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/13/DD11V0BD8.DTL&hw=surviving+zombies&sn=001&sc=1000)The zombies are coming, so be prepared
Peter Hartlaub

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The zombie invasion is coming. Whether you survive, or become just another snack for the walking dead, depends on your ability to get to the end of this column. No pressure.

This isn't about "Diary of the Dead," the latest movie from zombie filmmaking godfather George A. Romero, which comes out Friday. Or the sacrilegious straight-to-video remake of Romero's "Day of the Dead," all copies of which should be immediately destroyed when it hits the shelves this April.

This is about preparing for the inevitable real-life zombie attack. The U.S. Geological Survey in 2003 said there's a 62 percent chance of a magnitude 6.7 or greater earthquake in the Bay Area in the next 30 years. I'd have to put a zombie invasion in the same time period somewhere around 90 percent. Make no mistake: Between the possibility of a rogue virus, an alien spore or there simply being no more room in hell, the dead are going to walk the Earth in your lifetime.

Not that our government is lifting a finger to help us prepare. The Federal Emergency Management Agency and the state Office of Emergency Services has detailed information for more than 15 different disasters on their Web sites - covering everything from wildfires to dams breaking - but not a single word about what a citizen should do during a zombie attack.

FEMA alone has four different sections on its Web site focusing on disaster preparedness for volcanoes. Like that's ever going to happen. What was the last big volcano movie? "Dante's Peak"? The section on tsunami preparedness is equally irrelevant, for entirely different reasons. Everyone who has watched "The Abyss" knows that no matter how many tidal wave warnings are issued, half of your neighbors will head toward the beach and stare at the sea anyway.

The only organization I could find preparing us for the zombie holocaust is Zombiedefense.org, a five-person operation that dispenses some great advice. ("For the last time," the site warns, "once she tries to claw the gray matter out of your head, she's not your mom any more.") But they don't even have funding for helicopters, which any zombiephile will tell you are vital for battling a zombie outbreak - both for transporting survivors and lopping the heads off the walking undead with the rotor blades.

It's a fallacy to assume that improvements in technology prepare us for a zombie invasion. If anything, we're more vulnerable than ever. U.S. citizens are fatter and slower than they were 20 years ago. And well-meaning politicians keep handing out big wads of cash in exchange for everyone's guns.

Thankfully, plenty of instructional videos are available. Romero's five zombie movies, along with "28 Days Later," "28 Weeks Later," "Shaun of the Dead," "Planet Terror" and "Fido" are enough by themselves to cull together a pretty good survival manual. Here are a few tips in case the zombies get here before your Netflix envelope arrives in the mail.

Make friends with people who are slower than you are: This one is pretty obvious, but can't be emphasized enough. When I meet new people, I generally gauge my willingness to socialize with them further based on their time in the 40-yard dash.

Remember: All zombies are created equal: Try not to focus too much on a zombie's profession, relationship to you or disposition in a previous life. Because the Fred Rogers zombie is just as likely to eat you as the Hitler zombie.

Stay well-armed: Bad news, Bay Area liberals: It turns out Charlton Heston was right. But don't fret too much: It's technically possible to be a seasoned zombie fighter and oppose the Second Amendment. Be creative! Sharp objects are good for beheadings. A bow and arrows can be effective. Or get one of those cattle-gun things that Javier Bardem walked around with in "No Country for Old Men."

You know that scary and reclusive Vietnam vet who lives across the street? Get on his good side: As B-movie connoisseurs know, the creepy. grumpy old hermit guys always make the best zombie fighters.

Know the fastest route to the nearest mall: I've researched this extensively, and there isn't a major mall in the Bay Area with a gun store. Consolation prize: At least pick a mall with an "As Seen on TV" outlet. The Ginsu knives will come in handy, and you might be able to fashion a Bedazzler into some kind of firearm.

Move to Shasta County: Come to think of it, maybe this isn't such a great place to live after all. If Forbes magazine ever comes out with its 50 Worst Cities for Zombie Attacks issue, the Bay Area would have at least five cities in the Top 10. Too many suburbs, too many hippies and not enough cops. Relocate to a place with a lot of shotgun-wielding farmers and pot growers. Your life may depend on it.


See the Culture Blog for more great moments in zombie survival literature.


E-mail Peter Hartlaub at phartlaub@sfchronicle.com.



The leftists have disarmed themselves. I don't know if there's a single gunstore left in San Francisco. There were some in the old days, but they were driven out. In the wake of the anti-gun hysteria, the cabbage eating bunny loving tree huggers have also driven numerous Bay Area gunstores out of business. Now they disarmed and must turn to their police or the few who have guns for protection.

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Magnum.35744
February 13, 2008, 10:06 PM
I think someone has watched a little to much of Resident Evil or Dawn of the Dead...:rolleyes:

Packman
February 13, 2008, 10:07 PM
Gary, I take offense to your reference to "bunny lovers."

Personally, I love rabbits.







They make a delicious stew.

ravencon
February 13, 2008, 10:26 PM
Who needs zombies when we have open borders.

4v50 Gary
February 13, 2008, 10:27 PM
So long as Correia doesn't come after me. I love those "fuzzy bunnies" that he peddles. :p

serrano
February 13, 2008, 10:45 PM
Who needs zombies when we have open borders.

How High Road of you.

Javelin
February 13, 2008, 10:50 PM
I think the fact that Hitlery is a front runner politician is proof there are zombies out there already.

:)

sm
February 13, 2008, 11:12 PM
Make friends with people who are slower than you are: This one is pretty obvious, but can't be emphasized enough. When I meet new people, I generally gauge my willingness to socialize with them further based on their time in the 40-yard dash.

I don't care what anyone says, that is great advice.

Oh, I think it is just wonderful, how some Son-In-Laws tote their Mother-In-Laws out for hikes in the woods to see Nature, like Bears, Pumas, Cougars...

*wink*

Black Adder LXX
February 13, 2008, 11:19 PM
Hey... as long as the word is getting out, I don't care if it's in a liberal rag...

Trebor
February 14, 2008, 05:13 AM
How could they have missed the Zombie Squad at www.zombiehunters.org ?

Gunnerpalace
February 14, 2008, 10:47 AM
Everyone who has watched "The Abyss" knows that no matter how many tidal wave warnings are issued, half of your neighbors will head toward the beach and stare at the sea anyway.


Ain't that the truth

section on tsunami preparedness is equally irrelevant, for entirely different reasons.

People who live in Kansas should read that never know when a rouge wave could hit. :D

Hardware
February 14, 2008, 11:01 AM
If a rogue wave hits Kansas we have much bigger problems.

Of course all talk of zombies aside the movies 28 days later/28 weeks later are good fodder for thought. The infected in those movies still have full mobility and cognition all directed at a murderous intent. While the speed of infection is pure fiction the threat is real enough. We know there are diseases whose pathology affects the central nervous system, e.g. rabies, that cause murderous aggression if left unchecked. what happens if a mutation creates an airborne strain?

The danger isn't any more elevated than it was yesterday, last year or throughout all of recorded history, but it is real enough. What about bird flu? To put things in comparison, the 1918 influenza epidemic had a mortality rate of 2.6% and it just about shut down the U.S. economy. The H5N1 strain has a mortality rate of 62%. If an airborne strain develops the economy is going to flatline. Are you prepared? Of course not. Nobody can adequately prepare for something like that. Can you make preparations that give you an edge in surviving? Yes.

It doesn't matter what your inspiration is, what matters is who is left standing when it is all sorted out.

{/thread_hijack}

Gunnerpalace
February 14, 2008, 11:12 AM
8 days later/28 weeks later are good fodder for thought. The infected in those movies still have full mobility and cognition all directed at a murderous intent. While the speed of infection is pure fiction the threat is real enough. We know there are diseases whose pathology affects the central nervous system, e.g. rabies, that cause murderous aggression if left unchecked. what happens if a mutation creates an airborne strain?


Everyone knows in all honesty zombies are fake,(It's fun talking though) However that is (the "28 day's later" scenario) possible who knows what some of these labs are cooking up, and seeing the animal rights people in the past do raids that's plausible too.

The only real reason not to worry is here in the US we have the means to shoot back. Ask me if you want more specifics, I think about this stuff when I am bored.

Mr White
February 14, 2008, 11:31 AM
We all know zombies are nothing new. They were around back in the '40s as evidenced by this (http://youtube.com/watch?v=rnSeihifUHk) clip.

Its been around for a long time and has been posted before, but the classics never go out of style.

Phil DeGraves
February 14, 2008, 11:39 AM
That made my day!

jerkface11
February 14, 2008, 11:49 AM
The "zombies" in 28 units of time later we nothing more than Reavers without spaceships.

Bobarino
February 14, 2008, 01:53 PM
U.S. Geological Survey in 2003 said there's a 62 percent chance of a magnitude 6.7 or greater earthquake in the Bay Area in the next 30 years.

i'd LOVE to see how they came up with this. reminds me of that old saying "76.571% of statistics are made up on the spot."

Bobby

Chipperman
February 14, 2008, 02:12 PM
I don't need to outrun the Zombies, I only need to outrun YOU. ;)

Igloodude
February 14, 2008, 02:23 PM
I don't need to outrun the Zombies, I only need to outrun YOU. ;)

I run a pretty slow quarter-mile, but I'm betting you're not outrunning anybody with a round through your knee. :evil:

Oh, man, that was totally unHighRoad-esque, wasn't it? :evil:

Lurp
February 14, 2008, 03:41 PM
Everyone knows in all honesty zombies are fake

Suuuuure...And I bet you don't beleive that babies come from a stork either? :D

dm1333
February 14, 2008, 06:01 PM
Jerkface,

I just watched "Serenity" again last night and thought the same thing. Reavers = Zombies in space ships.

keeleon
February 14, 2008, 07:27 PM
Wow, this is terrible advice, which is why I am glad they are handing it out the silly liberals. "Go to the mall" indeed:p I am fully prepared for the initial onslaught, I have a plan, I have a bag in my car just waiting for the day. I know it probably makes me crazy to take this stuff seriously, but I know that when the day does come, I will be prepared, and I will laugh my ass off at all of the "anti 2a-ers trying to reason with" whatever we get infested with. We'll see how that "no need to protect yourself" mentality works out. It's not necessarily going to be zombies, but it will be something.

If you actually want some good advice on this (entertainment purposes or not) look up Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide". I give them to everyone for christmas, and the scariest book I ever read is "World War Z". If you wanna know how it really turns out, do yourself a favor and pick that up.

bluestarlizzard
February 14, 2008, 07:45 PM
i like how he sighted Shaun of the dead. love that movie "hit 'em on the head, that seems to work."

also, one must be prepared for both the slow dumb zombies ("ooohhhhhhhhhh") and the speedy ones (a la resident evil and, if we're counting Reavers, Serinity)
of course with the speedy ones, it helps to have a gov. made super soilder/assiasian gone rouge around.

wuluf
February 14, 2008, 10:14 PM
you've got red on you.

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