[Nightcrawler]

You may not have heard of this. It's a video game tie-in movie based on the arcade shooter from Sega (http://www.sega.com/index.jhtml).

Now, I LIKE zombie movies. I liked the House of the Dead games. I liked Dawn of the Dead, I liked the Resident Evil movie (have both on DVD and can't waite for RE2), and I generally like watching zombies get their decaying butts beat down. (After all, I loathe the undead.)

However.

House of the Dead (the movie) was not scary, and did not have frightening imagery or a great soundtrack like Resident Evil. It was not campy fun like Evil Dead or Dawn of the Dead. It was just...awful. I'm glad I only paid five bucks to see the matinee.

The gunplay was beyond idiotic, the acting...wasn't, the storyline was pathetically flimsy (even for this genre) and it made my head hurt.

Now, there were LOTS of guns in the movie. All used poorly. Desert Eagles, for crying out loud. A Street Sweeper shotgun. A Beretta. Shotguns sending people flying through the air. Very poorly done bullet time scenes.

And, of course, a bunch of stupid, vapid, yet good looking twentysomethings that suddenly were masters of firearms and hand to hand combat.

I found myself unable to wait for the characters to get killed so I wouldn't have to listen to the dialogue.

In short, House of the Dead was the worst movie I have ever seen in a theater. It beat out The Hunted in this regard. However, "Manos": The Hands of Fate still reigns king as the worst movie I've ever seen.

I think the director of this movie, Uwe Boll, hates people. Not just hates people, I think he has a deep-seated loathing for all Mankind. He hates you, and me, and kids, and puppydogs, and kitty cats, and even Mother Teresa and Ghandi.

I'm not the only one who thinks so, either. (http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2002-12-18&res=l)

To quote Tycho (tycho@penny-arcade.com) of Penny Arcade (http://www.penny-arcade.com), "I do not doubt that director Uwe Boll is an excellent person with unique gifts, like making bird calls or some ****. But the stuff he does with movie cameras is a ******* war crime. "

And you know, that's an hour and a half of my life I'm never going to get back.

[Mike Irwin]

It's a Buffy the Vampire Slayer syndrom movie...

Where everyone instantly becomes experts in weapons and combat...

[Nightcrawler]

At least Buffy had amusing dialogue and witty puns. There were no witty puns to be had in House of the Dead. There was nothing witty about the movie whatsoever.

[Nightcrawler]

I can see not a lot of folks have seen this.

Good for you guys.

[Mike Irwin]

I may rent it for one of my "Drunken Horror Movie/Blood Fest" parties...

[Nightcrawler]

I stand by my assertion, though. It should be a damned crime to make movies like that.

But...for a party where everybody's drunk...you guys'll be laughing your butts off. :D

[Rogelio]

I really liked the arcade shooter...haven't seen the movie

[Nightcrawler]

Oh, I LOVED the game. Great way to waste a bunch of quarters with a buddy. But I like most shooting games. Sniper 2 and Time Crisis 2 are two of my favorites.

[atek3]

threadjack

Police trainer 2, thats the best "shootering" game I've seen. If you can beat lieutenant PM me.

atek3

[Nightcrawler]

Police Trainer 2 was alright, but I prefer shooting at the undead. I loathe them, you know.

[who me]

Well thanks for saving me $6.50. From the commercial it looked like it would be a decent film. Oh well i'll wait a few months and head towards blockbuster.
http://members.cox.net/corvettejake/emoticons/_sterb305.gif

[GSB]

To quote Tycho of Penny Arcade

I loved their strip from months ago when this thing was in production. They had Boll answering the question of why he was destroying the movie with the explanation: "Well, first I am hating the movies. Also I am hating the people who go to movies. Also I am hating the games."

edited because I am an idiot and just realized you linked to the exact strip I'm talking about.

[The Silver Bullet 1719]

Man, your like the 6th person I've heard completely tear down HOTD. Glad I didn't get to go see it. Sat down and watched Dawn of the Dead instead (Still can't figure out why Peter switched from a M16A1 to a Savage 99 for the 50th time :confused: )

[Red Dragon]

I was unaware that the movie was based in any way on the game. (other than the use of the name that is) the plots seem totally different from eachother. the movie has the bubbleheaded "instant weapons experts"
at a house in the middle of nowhere. the game takes place in a town like setting and involves a para-police organization that investigates the paranormal happenings. by the way, long time...no see. sorry, I've been crazy for a while, now I'm just crazy with a new operating system.

[Nightcrawler]

The only "tie ins" with the game were scenes FROM the actual game flashed on the screen from time to time, and a big shameless "SEGA" logo banner at the rave party.

That's it.

Oh, and I think the main character might've been the villian from the games, or something, like this was a prequel or some crap. I was scaracely paying enough attention.

In any case, it doesn't hold a candle to Resident Evil. I mean, you know it's going to be a bad movie when the ticket girl WARNS you...

[Red Dragon]

thats just plain sad when the employees tell ya not to see the movie. the only thing worse would be one of the actors saying "Don't see my movie, it sucked making it and it will suck watching it even more. "

thanks for the warning though. and I agree, Manos is the WORST...WORST...MOST GODAWFUL WORST FELT LIKE POKING MY EYES OUT AFTER WATCHING IT EXCEPT FOR THE MST3K COMMENTARY movie I ever saw

[Nightcrawler]

There was a cool trailer for Resident Evil 2 (Apocolypse) which should come out next year, though.

And what are you talking about, 100 miles north of the middle of nowhere? Dude, we've been to the middle of nowhere. It's in Wyoming, remember? (Well, and North Dakota, and again in Southern Utah, but at least South Utah had an interstate.)

[Red Dragon]

true, but that was Nowhere, Wyoming. I'm talking about Nowhere Michigan

[Nightcrawler]

I'm talking about Nowhere Michigan

Pelkie?

But we digress. Let us not detract from the awfulness of the movie, less we get the thread locked.

As I said, the gun handling in HotD was some of the worst I've ever seen. No reloading, no aiming, and a bunch of twentysomething raver freaks suddenly become masters of 12 gauge pump shotguns and Desert Eagles.

Not to mention the crusty captain guy firing no less than fifteen rounds in a row out of a Desert Eagle.

HotD had every single Hollywood gun fallacy you've ever seen in a movie, and I think they invented a few more. *sigh* Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead were far from perfect in this regard, but they were SO MUCH BETTER than HotD...

At least there was a revolver in it. Poorly used and never reloaded, but there it was.

[Red Dragon]

its always fun counting those 42 shot revolvers and the recoilless desert eagle shots in movies. I know from experience what firing a desert eagle feels like. theres no way in hell that I would fire it one handed or even carry one due to the excess weight and low ammo capacity.

[Nightcrawler]

Hey, my Colt only holds 7+1 rounds. Revolvers are six each. Need more rounds? Bring a friend. Or a rifle. Or a friend with a rifle.

4lbs might be on the heavy side for packin', though. There's another thread about brass burns going on. Perhaps you might chime in there about that DE .50 brass to the face you got?

[Skunkabilly]

I saw Resident Evil because of the G36 with grenade launcher...I know...I'm such an HK dork... :o

[Balog]

I got this from www.madogre.com/News.html . It's from an e-mail he got from a reader.

“Do NOT go see this movie, Ogre. I mean, I like zombie movies. I like campy, dumb zombie movies like Dawn of the Dead. I like serious, techno-horror zombie movies like Resident Evil. But...House of the Dead is like...it's like the director just HATES, you know, people. Me and you, and your wife and your kids, and the President and the Pope and everybody. He hates us, Ogre, and he expresses that hatred in his movie. It was like getting slapped in the face for two hours. Glad I caught the matinee; it was cheaper. It was a Sega arcade game with light guns. The Sega tie-ins with the movie are shameless and poorly executed. This movie didn't get much TV commercial time. I can see why. I'll bet the director hates Ghandi, too, and Mother Teresa. Probably even Jesus. It's an offense to the Lord to make a movie this bad. Might not be in the Bible verbatim, but I'm sure it's implied somewhere. I found myself hoping the characters would hurry up and get killed so I didn't have to listen to the dialogue anymore. It was just painful. Haven't seen a movie this stupid in the theaters since "The Hunted", and this one supplanted "The Hunted" as the worst theater movie I've ever seen. (The Hunted, in turn, de-throned 3000 Miles to Graceland.) It wasn't, of course, the worst movie I've ever seen. I've seen Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker. I've seen Eegah. I've seen... *shudder*.. "Manos", the Hands of Fate... Let my fate be a warning to others...it's too late for me, Ogre...I only hope that my soul can yet be saved. But warn them, so that others might be spared my fate! Seriously, though. Hella stupid movie. Completely ruined the good movie vibe I got when I saw Kill Bill yesterday. Kill Bill was dumb, but it was TRYING to be dumb. It was campy fun. House of the Dead was about as fun as a bone marrow transplant.”

[Nightcrawler]

Yes, Balog! I sent Ogre that email. :) (Actually, it was several emails.)

You might want to, you know, edit it a little bit; Some phrases in there are a bit vulgar for THR.... :uhoh:

[jason10mm]

This movie was SOOO bad. Only the skinny dipping scene saved it, and that was in the first 5 minutes!

On a gun related topic, did Cpt Kirk have a GREEN laser on his AR? It may have just been a LED light or somehting, but it really looked green. I've never seen a weapon mounted green laser, just wondering where they got it. Of course, in a movie this bad, they may have just taped a laser pointer to the side of the rifle :rolleyes:

The worst bit of acting (well, the WORST part was the make-out scene in the middle of hell house bewteen the black girl and the guy with half his face melted off, but after that...) was when the zombies first climb aboard the Lazarus. Cpt Kirk, Desert Eagle in hand, doesn't even blink. No shocked amazement at the living dead, no stunned gape-mouthed moment, no sputtering "Who are you?". Nope, he just casually starts blowing zombies off his barge, like it was something he did every day.

Go see Cabin Fever is you want a real horror flick (and some nice mini-14 and shotgun action!), don't even rent this bomb. Sad thing it, the same loser director is doing "Alone in the Dark", a movie spin-off of one of my FAVORITE games.

[BryanP]

It sounds pretty vile, but could it possibly compare to that classic of true awfulness -

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians!

[Nightcrawler]

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians WAS pretty bad. Can't hold a candle to "Manos", The Hands of Fate, though.