A little satire to lighten things up


Mark Tyson
October 26, 2003, 06:00 PM

President Activates Militia:
“All Able-Bodied Citizens” to Fight Zombie Plague

Washington (AP) - President Bush addressed the nation last night, calling for the activation of the militia to suppress the month-old plague of flesh-eating zombies.

In a somber, 20 minute speech, the president called on all physically capable men and women to arm themselves and begin destroying any living dead threatening their communities.

“Under my authority as commander in chief of the armed forces, I am ordering the militia of the United States, consisting of all able bodied citizens, to take up arms and rid their communities of the flesh-eaters,” President Bush told the nation.

The militia is defined in federal law as consisting of all males between ages of 17 and 45. The president’s authority to command the militia has seldom been used since the advent of professional armies.

The president also announced the suspension of federal gun legislation to allow citizens to arm themselves.

“I am ordering federal law enforcement agencies not to enforce any gun control laws for the duration of the state of emergency, in order to allow citizens to quickly obtain the weapons needed to carry out my orders.”

President Bush added that state governments attempting to enforce their own gun laws would be threatening national security.

The president referred to the onslaught of cannibal corpses as the greatest threat to the country since the civil war, and stated that “extraordinary measures” would be necessary for the country to survive.

The activation of the militia is the latest in a series of emergency measures undertaken by the government since a month ago, when corpses of the recently deceased began to returning to life seeking the flesh of the living. The entire country has officially been under a state of emergency for one week.

Military expert Helmut Kruger of the Committee for the Clear and Present Danger told the AP that the militias will have to function without federal support or instructions. “The regular military is already engaged nationwide,” said Kruger. “The militia will have to organize itself into cells at the local level, independent of the government.”

“There was really nothing left to do,” Kruger added. “The reserves and National Guards are all activated. The militia is the reserve of last resort.”

Democratic Critics

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has criticized the president’s handling of the zombie crisis.

“I believe that there are nonviolent options for dealing with the undead that we have yet to explore,” Kucinich said in a press conference immediately after the president’s address. “But for this president the answer is always more weapons, more violence. When the government’s first reaction is to use violence to solve problems, we can expect citizens to do the same.”

“When I am elected president, I will establish a Department of Peace. One of its duties will be to investigate ways of peaceful coexistence with the living dead,” Kucinich added.

Gun Control Groups Express Dismay

Gun control groups were quick to criticize the president’s call for citizens to arm themselves.

“This is terribly short sighted of the president,” said Sarah Brady of the Brady Center to Prevent Handgun Violence. “Millions of more guns in the hands of untrained civilians are more of a threat to Americans than the walking dead. No doubt the gun lobby will use this tragedy to flood the streets with even more weapons.”

Mrs. Brady would not comment on reports that she herself has purchased several guns since the beginning of the crisis.

Gun Sales Skyrocket

The suspension of federal gun law enforcement means that gun purchasers no longer have to undergo background checks, and gun stores do not have to keep records of their sales. It also means that civilians can now own previously restricted semi-automatic weapons and machine guns.

Gun manufacturers are struggling to fulfill a rush of orders for the government and public. Emergency legislation has mandated that firearm and ammunition factories are to remain open 24 hours a day for the duration of the national state of emergency.

Gun shops are having difficulty keeping guns in stock. The scene at The Arms Room in Richmond, Virginia was typical. Store manager Lester White told reporters that his entire inventory of Remington 870 series shotguns was sold in six hours.

“People with little experience with guns tend to like the shotguns,” White told the AP. “It’s easier to hit them in the head with buckshot.”

Small caliber rifles are also popular among novice zombie exterminators, like the .17 Hornady Magnum rimfire bolt-action rifle that 83 year-old widow Bea Mitchell, of Augusta, Maine bought last week.

“One of those buggers comes through my door, I’m popping him right in the tear duct,” said Mitchell. Mitchell said she selected the the rifle for its gentle recoil and light weight. “You don’t need a cannon for stopping these ones, just a cool head.”

In other developments, the House of Representatives, meeting in an emergency session, debated the Zombie Suppression Act of 2003. The bill would grant FEMA authority for disaster recovery operations and establish a rationing system for food and gasoline. (Full story)

The plague of living dead continued unabated last night, with 562 confirmed new infections in New York City alone. New York police estimate there are over 10,000 reanimated corpses roaming the streets of the city. (Full story)

Related stories:

CDC reports progress in efforts to develop zombie vaccine(Full story)

Fire Safety Council urges citizens not to use makeshift flamethrowers against undead(Full story)

Special military unit being readied to combat undead(Full story)

Shark suit maker unveils “zombie armor” (Full story)

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October 26, 2003, 06:16 PM
In related news, the Zombie menace in the Texas area was eradicated less than thirty minutes after the initial outbreak.

Some Austin residents were reported to be dismayed by the violent reactions of their neighbors. "These damn cowboys," said local Libby McPinko, "you just can't get them to reason with anybody."


October 26, 2003, 06:27 PM
“People with little experience with guns tend to like the shotguns,” White told the AP. “It’s easier to hit them in the head with buckshot.”
AP confirms once again buckshot don't work, "The zombies kept coming" reported one poor shooter shortly before being overun...

El Tejon
October 26, 2003, 06:38 PM
Gun manufacturers? Fie, I'm making PPSs in my garage!:p

October 26, 2003, 06:44 PM
The DNC was quick to capitalize on gaining new constituents among the living dead. In a related story, some of the living dead, it turns out has been voting Democratic all along. "The DNC is now primarily composed with the bran dead and the living dead are a natural for our party" says one DNC spokesman.

October 26, 2003, 07:32 PM


October 26, 2003, 07:33 PM
In a related story, the American Civil Liberties Union is considering filing a class action lawsuit against the Democratic national Committee on behalf of the living dead.

Dewey Cheatum, lead counsel for the ACLU, states: "For years the DNC has been voting the graveyard. Some of our clients actually wanted to vote for the Green Party. Forcing an American, even if he is slightly mouldering, to vote against his conscience is an outrageous violation of their civil rights." :neener:


Brian Maffei
October 26, 2003, 07:42 PM

October 26, 2003, 07:43 PM
Mrs. Brady would not comment on reports that she herself has purchased several guns since the beginning of the crisis.They are letting the brain-dead zombies arm themselves?:confused: :uhoh: :eek:

October 26, 2003, 08:12 PM
Good work to all!

October 26, 2003, 08:37 PM
I am SO ready for a zombie attack!

October 26, 2003, 09:12 PM
Thanks. After all that serious stuff, I needed a break.

4v50 Gary
October 26, 2003, 09:28 PM
I almost thought it would include a swipe on Jim Brady for being brain dead and being used as a mediator between the living and the grateful living dead. :D

October 27, 2003, 04:04 AM
When can we expect the (full story) links to be fixed?
I want to read the rest of this. Fascinating stuff.


Jim March
October 27, 2003, 05:55 AM
I've actually seen entire groups of zombies in one place.

At the national HQ of the Million Mom March.


October 27, 2003, 09:58 AM

Washington (AP) - The Sierra Club, PETA and the Green Party today announced a joint lawsuit against President Bush and the US Government for their "environmentally unfriendly" and "racially motivated" actions directed against zombies.

"Zombies are people, after all" said Ralph Nader. "They have - or at least, they had - all the rights of US citizens - at least, before their death. I don't see anywhere in the Constitution that says that one loses these rights after death!"

A PETA spokeperson, Ms. Goody Twoshoes, stated "Zombies are made of meat, and we're not supposed to eat meat. Hunters shoot animals made of meat. If we let ordinary citizens shoot zombies made of meat, this will only encourage them to become hunters, and thus endanger Bambi and her friends even more than they are at present."

Mr. Parks Good of the Sierra Club said "We've been fighting the Bush Administration's record on conservation for years. If zombies are exterminated, this will be another cruel blow to all other endangered species. We must stop this now!"

In response, the White House press secretary issued a statement inviting the plaintiffs to meet with White House lawyers in a zombie-infested area. The only condition attached is that the plaintiffs arrive there an hour before the White House representatives - and arrive unarmed.

October 27, 2003, 01:46 PM
The Demoncrats will undoubtedly say that calling these creatures "Brain Dead Zombies" is an insult and is derogatory to them.

Come on guys, let's help the Dems out and come up with som PC names for the Brain Dead Zombies". It'll show them the those of us on the 'right' side are not really such bad people.

October 27, 2003, 02:11 PM
AP Breaking News

DNC head Terry McAuliffe has called on all party members to stand united against the Bush administrations war on the Undead. Speaking at a Florida party rally, McAuliffe stated; "This is just a continuation of Republican efforts to steal the election process in this country. Our internal polling shows that the Undead will vote for Democratic candidates by a margin of nearly ten to one! Of over 1200 zombies polled, the majority picked Al Gore as their candidate of choice for the 2004 Presidential election."
Anonymous DNC sources state that most Zombies mistook Gore for one of their own. It is rumored that Dennis Kucinich came in as a strong second, followed by Kerry, Gore and Edwards. The only Republican chosen by brain dead Zombies was Theodore Roosevelt who has been sighted staggering along I-95 towards New Hampshire calling for another invasion of Cuba.
McAuliffe went on to praise grass roots efforts in several states to get Zombies registered as Democrats.


October 27, 2003, 03:07 PM
Of course, the real reaction of any administration to this sort of hazard would be to do everything possible to render citizens helpless to the threat, all the while assuring the public that every effort is being made to assure their safety.

Probably have to start doing invasive medical exams upon all airline passengers to make sure they are not a "zombie" before they board the plane.


Futo Inu
October 27, 2003, 05:50 PM
That's cute.

I think a better one would be:

A terrorist force invades the U.S. Prez John Kerry, who has been in office for 2 years, calls up the citizen's militia, as the bulk of the military is engaged overseas, in the protrated 5-year Iraqi conflict, and those still looking for Osama in Afhanistan. The terrorist force defeats the border guards on the US/Canada border; hence the militia call up. The citizens begin assembling in great numbers near the border with their most potent personal weapons, which since the great Kerry Gun Control Act of 2005, and subsequent confiscation, includes only slings, bows, blowguns, slingshots, and .22 single shot rifles. Houston, we have a problem.

October 27, 2003, 10:39 PM
27 October, 2003
Associated Press

Congresswoman Stands Up for Undead; "They're 'neuroactively challenged'"

Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee defended the undead today, stating that the term "zombie" is derogatory, offensive, and degrading to undead humans. "How come we refer to them as zombies?" Jackson-Lee said, stating that the term evokes visions of evil, malicious beings bent on murder. "they're just trying to survive, and we need to respect their uniqueness as fellow beings. This term only serves to demonize them in the eyes of living humans." Ms. Jackson-Lee prefers such terms as "post-life people" or "neuroactively challenged," calling on people to be more sensitive to the feelings of the undead.

cracked butt
October 27, 2003, 11:04 PM
My prayers are answered! I've always wanted to try out that set of nunchuks:evil:

October 28, 2003, 12:48 AM
thus endanger Bambi and her friends :uhoh: :scrutiny:

No wonder we all think that PETA doesnt know their butt from a hole in the ground! We all know that deer with antlers (like Bambi) are MALE deer!!!

October 28, 2003, 01:01 AM
Maybe in the confusion I could stash away a few select-fires...:D

Maybe not...:(

October 28, 2003, 03:43 PM
I believe the actual non-epithet for those formerly referred to as "dead" is "Metabolically Challenged". After all, in most cases, it's not *their* fault that they're 'dead'.


October 28, 2003, 04:43 PM
Transcript from CNN's Crossfire:

Paul Begala: "Today on Crossfire we will be interviewing Mordack, Evil Master of the Undead, and get his take on the gross mistreatment of the metabolically challenged at the hands of the Bush administration."

Mordack: "More Brain to eat..."

Tucker Carlson: "We all know that this is Bill Clinton's fault. Look I have a bow tie!"

Begalla: "Mr. Mordack, could you please tell us your organization's position on the new Bush anti-zombie proposal?"

Mordack: "Must... Eat... Brains..."


Mordack: (cracking and slurping noises)

Carlson: "Well, I guess that is about it. From the right this is Tucker Carlson. Thanks for watching Crossfire."

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