2dogs
October 31, 2003, 06:58 AM
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
Guns are bad and only bad people have guns. There is no reason for ordinary citizens to own handguns. Only duly appointed guv’mint officials should be allowed to own handguns. Gun Control keeps the hoi polloi from hurting one another. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
http://www.sierratimes.com/03/10/31/rockyd.htm
Politically Incorrect Movie Reviews
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
By RadioFree Rocky D
Cast:
Jessica Biel (Erin) – greater boobs on the run.
Erica Leershen (Pepper) – lesser boobs on the run.
Eric Balfour (Kemper) – dork on the run.
R. Lee Ermey (Sheriff) – dork with a gun.
Andrew Bryniarski (Leatherface) – a real cut-up.
See girls run. Run girls run. Hear girls scream. Scream girls scream. See boobs bounce. Bounce boobs bounce. See blood spurt. Spurt blood spurt. See me yawn. Yawn yawn yawn. Therein lies the problem with this year’s Halloween creeporama, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). The original TCM splattered onto the screen 29 years ago, picking up where Psycho left off. Since then Hollyweird has cranked out so many cinematic slash-‘em-ups you can’t count them all. So after three decades of Freddys, Jasons, Hannibals, et al, is Leatherface still considered scary? It may not be possible to shock Americans anymore – I mean other than electing Hillary … now that’s truly bloodcurdling.
Reality shock #1: Virtually all slasher films are based (quite loosely) on Edward Gein, a true whack-job from Plainfield, Wisconsin. Gein was a grave-robbing, transvestite cannibal; convicted and institutionalized in 1957.
The main problem with TCM‘03 is that it replaces all the suspense and terror of the original TCM with cheap guts and gore. TCM‘03 is not so much scary as it is icky. In other words, the new crew replaced the implicit with the explicit. These new millennium feelm skoool graduates forget (or never learned in the first place) that what is in viewer’s imaginations is far more fun and much more frightening than any special effects or an ahk-tor emoooting could ever do. I did, however, get a sordid kick out of the through-the-hole-in-the-head camera pan shot. That was kinda cool.
The PC in TCM‘03 spurts out like crimson corpuscles from a sliced artery (bleah). We learn that Leatherface is making human skin masks for himself because “ … he’s such a sweet boy and other kids teased him about his skin condition …” So apparently, Leatherface is a victim of societal cruelty.
Teasing causes children to grow up to be maniacal killers unless Big Brother Guv’mint steps in to prevent it with Ritalin, psychology and taxpayer entitlement programs. It’s okay if Johnny can’t read as long as kids are tolerant and diverse. Special needs people are not handicapped; they are handi-capable, and they have a right to take other people’s possessions, because they are less fortunate. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Reality shock #2: Gein dug up his own mother’s body, cut off her vulva, painted it silver and stored it in a shoebox with nine other vulvas severed from various cadavers.
Hollyweird just doesn’t get it. The USA is the most generous nation on the face of the Earth. Americans give more to charities near and far than any ten nations combined. Where other nations kill off or ignore their weakest and non-productive citizens, America shelters them. Our welfare budget alone dwarfs most nation’s GNP. But Hollyweird still sees America as the harbinger of evil, because the average breadbasket American is inherently conservative.
More PC flies out like guts off a chainsaw (bleah) with one of Hollyweird’s main hypocrisies – bad guys with guns. In TCM‘03 only bad things happen when gunplay is involved. The suicidal hitchhiker has a gun, with which she utilizes to air condition her own cranium (bad girl with gun). The redneck Sheriff has two guns, with which he threatens frightened stoners (bad man with gun).
Guns are bad and only bad people have guns. There is no reason for ordinary citizens to own handguns. Only duly appointed guv’mint officials should be allowed to own handguns. Gun Control keeps the hoi polloi from hurting one another. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Reality shock #3: Gein did not chase anyone with a chainsaw, and in fact murdered only two people. His weapons of choice were a .32 caliber revolver and a .22 caliber rifle – both weapons were stolen. Most of Gein’s victims were already deceased – he grave-robbed them after scanning the obits in Wisconsin newspapers.
Fact is, if any one of our MTV wannabes had the foresight to pack a protection piece, they would never have ended up as spare parts for Leatherface in the first place. Then again, these morons probably would have shot themselves in the foot. Yes, they are apparently that thick-witted.
The overriding PC in TCM‘03 hurls out like … well … hurl (bleah). Where is all this inbred, violent mayhem taking place? Where else but the South. To Hollyweird, there is nothing more horrifying than a family of backward rednecks who like to mess with people’s heads … literally. Thank God for southern whiteys – who else can we make fun of without idiot liberals throwing hissy fits? Besides, we all know southern Caucasians are all inherently evil. After all ain’t them the folks what flies that con-fed-ritt flag?
Bad Southern whiteys! Bad bad bad!
Imagine the squealing from the leftists if the freaky family in TCM‘03 was portrayed as a bunch of inbred inner city ghetto dwellers. Louis Farrakhan would organize a million chainsaw march. Later, Ace Hardware would recover 100,000 stolen chainsaws and Jesse Jetstream would sue to get them back for the chainsaw disenfranchiiiiised.
This would be a good place to point out that most oddball serial killers reside in the enlightened cities, not out in the country. Jack The Ripper (London); Wayne Williams (Atlanta); John Gacy (Chicago) and Jeffry Dahmer (Milwaukee) are a few notable examples. Not to mention Charles Manson did his thing right in LaLa Land itself. Of course, now the not-so-great State of Kalifornicate has self-righteous overbearing guv’mint gun control; so there are no more murders in LaLa Land (we now pause for demented laughter from OJ and Robert Blake).
Reality shock #4: Found in Gein’s house were – among other things – 10 female heads with the skull tops sawed off at the eyebrows, a belt made of nipples, a bowl made from a woman’s skull and a full female body suit made of human skin, complete with breasts and a human face mask.
More PC spews out like a – well … let’s not go there (bleah) when one of the future derelicts blurts out, “This is a democracy, right?” This is a typical example of how little young people, Hollyweird and liberals in general know about our form of government. Know what a democracy is? It’s three wolves and a sheep sitting at the dinner table and they all get an equal vote on what they’re going to eat for dinner. This is why America is not a true democracy. We are, in fact, a representative republic.
Reality shock #5: Gein killed Bernice Worden because she looked like his mother. In Gein’s kitchen authorities found Bernice’s heart in a saucepan and a refrigerator packed full of human organs. Bernice’s headless body was found hanging upside down and disemboweled in a shed.
Like all slasher flicks, TCM‘03 is rife with implausibilities. First off, when Leatherface tosses li’l miss wet t-shirt in the basement, she runs around in circles shrieking and squalling instead of finding a weapon with which to defend herself – and there are knives and meat hooks aplenty in this spook house. Earlier, our band of bubbleheads panics when wondering what to do with a dead hitchhiker, so they pull into a rundown diner in the middle of creepville, then agree to go to an abandoned factory on the outskirts of nowhere to meet a bumpkin sheriff who’s name they didn’t even ask. Not once does anyone in this group of slackers get the obvious idea to continue on until they get to civilization. When the sheriff shows up, he is obviously not lawman material, yet our next-generation wunderkinds don’t figure out they are in danger until it’s way too late. And when was the last time you saw a group of young people and not one of them has a cell phone?
Reality shock #6: After his father, brother and mother died, Gein stopped working the farm, because the government soil conservation program gave him a subsidy not to work the farm. This welfare program gave Gein the time and money he needed to do his dastardly deeds.
Even though the film lacks any real scares or thrills, there are still some freaky fun frolics to see in TCM‘03. Look for the picture of MAD’s Alfred E. Newman getting chainsawed to pieces – what, me worry? Look for the ???? Happens bumper sticker – the anthem for the new generation. Look for the messiest, grungiest house you’ve ever seen (Gein’s house was a literal pigsty), with the pigs-to-slaughter reference right in your face – where’s DFS when you need ‘em? Look for the Blair Witch reference in the foulest meat packing plant you’ve ever seen – where’s the FDA when you need ‘em?
Reality shock #7: Gein was found guilty of murder, but criminally insane. He died in 1984 at the age of 78 in Waupan State Hospital, fully aware that he had become a superstar movie subject. Eventually, Plainfield citizens burned down the Gein farmhouse, because they regarded it as a place of evil.
TCM‘03 has three and a half of the five Bachelor B’s. No Bombs, but Blood, Beasts, Bashes and almost Breasts – I feel I must give at least partial credit for Biel’s running wet t-shirt contest. Furthermore, I hereby nominate Biel’s tight white tank top for best supporting of an ahk-tress ... them hooties sure can act.
Reality shock #8: Gein, or “Old Weird Eddy” as he was known, often brought his neighbors gifts of freshly cut venison. Later, in court, Gein said he’d never killed a deer in his life.
Dinner, anyone? Bwaahahahahaaaaaaa!
I give Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) two and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5).
Guns are bad and only bad people have guns. There is no reason for ordinary citizens to own handguns. Only duly appointed guv’mint officials should be allowed to own handguns. Gun Control keeps the hoi polloi from hurting one another. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
http://www.sierratimes.com/03/10/31/rockyd.htm
Politically Incorrect Movie Reviews
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
By RadioFree Rocky D
Cast:
Jessica Biel (Erin) – greater boobs on the run.
Erica Leershen (Pepper) – lesser boobs on the run.
Eric Balfour (Kemper) – dork on the run.
R. Lee Ermey (Sheriff) – dork with a gun.
Andrew Bryniarski (Leatherface) – a real cut-up.
See girls run. Run girls run. Hear girls scream. Scream girls scream. See boobs bounce. Bounce boobs bounce. See blood spurt. Spurt blood spurt. See me yawn. Yawn yawn yawn. Therein lies the problem with this year’s Halloween creeporama, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). The original TCM splattered onto the screen 29 years ago, picking up where Psycho left off. Since then Hollyweird has cranked out so many cinematic slash-‘em-ups you can’t count them all. So after three decades of Freddys, Jasons, Hannibals, et al, is Leatherface still considered scary? It may not be possible to shock Americans anymore – I mean other than electing Hillary … now that’s truly bloodcurdling.
Reality shock #1: Virtually all slasher films are based (quite loosely) on Edward Gein, a true whack-job from Plainfield, Wisconsin. Gein was a grave-robbing, transvestite cannibal; convicted and institutionalized in 1957.
The main problem with TCM‘03 is that it replaces all the suspense and terror of the original TCM with cheap guts and gore. TCM‘03 is not so much scary as it is icky. In other words, the new crew replaced the implicit with the explicit. These new millennium feelm skoool graduates forget (or never learned in the first place) that what is in viewer’s imaginations is far more fun and much more frightening than any special effects or an ahk-tor emoooting could ever do. I did, however, get a sordid kick out of the through-the-hole-in-the-head camera pan shot. That was kinda cool.
The PC in TCM‘03 spurts out like crimson corpuscles from a sliced artery (bleah). We learn that Leatherface is making human skin masks for himself because “ … he’s such a sweet boy and other kids teased him about his skin condition …” So apparently, Leatherface is a victim of societal cruelty.
Teasing causes children to grow up to be maniacal killers unless Big Brother Guv’mint steps in to prevent it with Ritalin, psychology and taxpayer entitlement programs. It’s okay if Johnny can’t read as long as kids are tolerant and diverse. Special needs people are not handicapped; they are handi-capable, and they have a right to take other people’s possessions, because they are less fortunate. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Reality shock #2: Gein dug up his own mother’s body, cut off her vulva, painted it silver and stored it in a shoebox with nine other vulvas severed from various cadavers.
Hollyweird just doesn’t get it. The USA is the most generous nation on the face of the Earth. Americans give more to charities near and far than any ten nations combined. Where other nations kill off or ignore their weakest and non-productive citizens, America shelters them. Our welfare budget alone dwarfs most nation’s GNP. But Hollyweird still sees America as the harbinger of evil, because the average breadbasket American is inherently conservative.
More PC flies out like guts off a chainsaw (bleah) with one of Hollyweird’s main hypocrisies – bad guys with guns. In TCM‘03 only bad things happen when gunplay is involved. The suicidal hitchhiker has a gun, with which she utilizes to air condition her own cranium (bad girl with gun). The redneck Sheriff has two guns, with which he threatens frightened stoners (bad man with gun).
Guns are bad and only bad people have guns. There is no reason for ordinary citizens to own handguns. Only duly appointed guv’mint officials should be allowed to own handguns. Gun Control keeps the hoi polloi from hurting one another. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Reality shock #3: Gein did not chase anyone with a chainsaw, and in fact murdered only two people. His weapons of choice were a .32 caliber revolver and a .22 caliber rifle – both weapons were stolen. Most of Gein’s victims were already deceased – he grave-robbed them after scanning the obits in Wisconsin newspapers.
Fact is, if any one of our MTV wannabes had the foresight to pack a protection piece, they would never have ended up as spare parts for Leatherface in the first place. Then again, these morons probably would have shot themselves in the foot. Yes, they are apparently that thick-witted.
The overriding PC in TCM‘03 hurls out like … well … hurl (bleah). Where is all this inbred, violent mayhem taking place? Where else but the South. To Hollyweird, there is nothing more horrifying than a family of backward rednecks who like to mess with people’s heads … literally. Thank God for southern whiteys – who else can we make fun of without idiot liberals throwing hissy fits? Besides, we all know southern Caucasians are all inherently evil. After all ain’t them the folks what flies that con-fed-ritt flag?
Bad Southern whiteys! Bad bad bad!
Imagine the squealing from the leftists if the freaky family in TCM‘03 was portrayed as a bunch of inbred inner city ghetto dwellers. Louis Farrakhan would organize a million chainsaw march. Later, Ace Hardware would recover 100,000 stolen chainsaws and Jesse Jetstream would sue to get them back for the chainsaw disenfranchiiiiised.
This would be a good place to point out that most oddball serial killers reside in the enlightened cities, not out in the country. Jack The Ripper (London); Wayne Williams (Atlanta); John Gacy (Chicago) and Jeffry Dahmer (Milwaukee) are a few notable examples. Not to mention Charles Manson did his thing right in LaLa Land itself. Of course, now the not-so-great State of Kalifornicate has self-righteous overbearing guv’mint gun control; so there are no more murders in LaLa Land (we now pause for demented laughter from OJ and Robert Blake).
Reality shock #4: Found in Gein’s house were – among other things – 10 female heads with the skull tops sawed off at the eyebrows, a belt made of nipples, a bowl made from a woman’s skull and a full female body suit made of human skin, complete with breasts and a human face mask.
More PC spews out like a – well … let’s not go there (bleah) when one of the future derelicts blurts out, “This is a democracy, right?” This is a typical example of how little young people, Hollyweird and liberals in general know about our form of government. Know what a democracy is? It’s three wolves and a sheep sitting at the dinner table and they all get an equal vote on what they’re going to eat for dinner. This is why America is not a true democracy. We are, in fact, a representative republic.
Reality shock #5: Gein killed Bernice Worden because she looked like his mother. In Gein’s kitchen authorities found Bernice’s heart in a saucepan and a refrigerator packed full of human organs. Bernice’s headless body was found hanging upside down and disemboweled in a shed.
Like all slasher flicks, TCM‘03 is rife with implausibilities. First off, when Leatherface tosses li’l miss wet t-shirt in the basement, she runs around in circles shrieking and squalling instead of finding a weapon with which to defend herself – and there are knives and meat hooks aplenty in this spook house. Earlier, our band of bubbleheads panics when wondering what to do with a dead hitchhiker, so they pull into a rundown diner in the middle of creepville, then agree to go to an abandoned factory on the outskirts of nowhere to meet a bumpkin sheriff who’s name they didn’t even ask. Not once does anyone in this group of slackers get the obvious idea to continue on until they get to civilization. When the sheriff shows up, he is obviously not lawman material, yet our next-generation wunderkinds don’t figure out they are in danger until it’s way too late. And when was the last time you saw a group of young people and not one of them has a cell phone?
Reality shock #6: After his father, brother and mother died, Gein stopped working the farm, because the government soil conservation program gave him a subsidy not to work the farm. This welfare program gave Gein the time and money he needed to do his dastardly deeds.
Even though the film lacks any real scares or thrills, there are still some freaky fun frolics to see in TCM‘03. Look for the picture of MAD’s Alfred E. Newman getting chainsawed to pieces – what, me worry? Look for the ???? Happens bumper sticker – the anthem for the new generation. Look for the messiest, grungiest house you’ve ever seen (Gein’s house was a literal pigsty), with the pigs-to-slaughter reference right in your face – where’s DFS when you need ‘em? Look for the Blair Witch reference in the foulest meat packing plant you’ve ever seen – where’s the FDA when you need ‘em?
Reality shock #7: Gein was found guilty of murder, but criminally insane. He died in 1984 at the age of 78 in Waupan State Hospital, fully aware that he had become a superstar movie subject. Eventually, Plainfield citizens burned down the Gein farmhouse, because they regarded it as a place of evil.
TCM‘03 has three and a half of the five Bachelor B’s. No Bombs, but Blood, Beasts, Bashes and almost Breasts – I feel I must give at least partial credit for Biel’s running wet t-shirt contest. Furthermore, I hereby nominate Biel’s tight white tank top for best supporting of an ahk-tress ... them hooties sure can act.
Reality shock #8: Gein, or “Old Weird Eddy” as he was known, often brought his neighbors gifts of freshly cut venison. Later, in court, Gein said he’d never killed a deer in his life.
Dinner, anyone? Bwaahahahahaaaaaaa!
I give Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) two and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5).