The Taser


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jhco50
March 16, 2010, 01:34 AM
Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety. Way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I' see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working. Awesome! I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot
on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tasre in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it." But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn' hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found. SON-OF-A...That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Jacob :what:

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twofifty
March 16, 2010, 01:40 AM
Hilarious, right down to having not yet explained the new burn mark on the wife's microwave.

AzBuckfever
March 16, 2010, 01:50 AM
**LMAO** As an L.E. Taser Instructor, I love stories like this. The stupid things some peopel will do :) There should be a stick post on here titled...."Man, I wouldn't do that #$!& if I were you" :D

rm23
March 16, 2010, 03:35 AM
Oh yeah. I've been drive-stunned messing around with some friends. I didn't do it to myself, so it was a true one second touch. Nobody was holding me up, so as soon as it hit me, I just dropped like a box of rocks.

You're lucky you didn't do real damage to yourself though; you could've killed yourself.

mnrivrat
March 16, 2010, 04:07 AM
Alright !!

This reminds me of a story I read many years back . The cover story was regarding Afican big game rifles of the double kind in calibers like 500 Nitro Express. The author discribed what happened to him when both barrels of one such rifle went off at the same time .

His experience was close to yours, except that he broke his collar bone, and doesn't have to look for his manhood - did you try looking under the couch ? Lots of things roll under there ! :D

Zoidberg523
March 16, 2010, 04:57 AM
Lmao! I agree that this should be sticky-ed, but simply because of how funny it is! :D

GojuBrian
March 16, 2010, 05:24 AM
Is it a taser or a stun gun?

Either one hurts pretty bad. :)

mcdonl
March 16, 2010, 06:02 AM
I am just glad you survived your first defensive FIREARMS purchase to make it this far :)

Larry Ashcraft
March 16, 2010, 07:33 AM
Off topic (and extremely old).

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