Permission or Forgiveness?


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Spydergoo
June 15, 2010, 10:02 PM
I'm faced with a dilemma and wanted to get some THR opinions. What's the worst fight you've ever been in over a purchase? How much additional did it cost in jewelry, flowers, chocolates, etc...?

I'm not advocating for lying to your spouse. She knows I have several toys and tend to buy stuff from time to time. She has access to all of the bank/CC statements, etc... And it's pretty much impossible to ignore stuff that FedEX makes her sign for while I'm at work. This sort of stuff just doesn't interest her.

So, that brings me to my ultimate question. What happens when you run out of room in a safe/cabinet? How do you go about explaining that you need ANOTHER safe/cabinet to store your toys. I mean - it's not like it's a huge walk-in safe. But it's no light-weight either.

I'm thinking my buying days are over because I won't have any more room in the toybox.

Looking for your tips and stories.

*Edit. My wife knows about every firearm I own or have ever purchased. She even owns a few of her own. My point was, if you pick up a few extra boxes of ammo while at Wally World, or have a couple of extra mags shipped from CTD, do you ask for permission first? Or wait and ask for forgiveness?

She's pretty much given me the leash to fill the space I've got. I'm just looking for a creative way to broach the subject of future expansion.

Just looking for creative ideas.

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Mags
June 15, 2010, 10:13 PM
I think you need to look elsewhere for advice.

I also think you need to have a honest relationship with your spouse and if your hobby requires you to go behind her back you either need a new hobby or a new wife.

buck460XVR
June 15, 2010, 10:19 PM
I don't lie to my wife about firearm purchases because I don't feel I have to. Altho she is not into guns, she knew before she married me that I was. She also knew I was a hunter and a fisherman and accepted it, just as I accepted the things that made her who she is. Neither of us spends money foolishly, nor do we make a major purchase without consulting each other. I thought that was what a modern marriage was all about. Most of my new gun purchases are made with monies I make doing side jobs, working overtime and reffing hockey. A new gun is the motivation for me doing these things. I have my toys, she has hers and we have ours. Simple as that. I always figured lying and a healthy marriage didn't mix.


BTW....my wife bought me my last gun safe.

Rxster
June 15, 2010, 10:21 PM
You may want to reevaluate your thinking. My wife is my best friend. I refuse to lie to her, or anyone else for that matter. If I cannot tell her about it, it probably means that I can't afford it and sholdn't get it.
Just one married guy's opinion. YMMV

Tomecek
June 15, 2010, 10:25 PM
I echo the others: I always talk my purchases over with my wife: if I have an itch to get something, and it is totally irrational and not well though-out, she can help cool my jets and let me calmly evaluate its purpose in my collection.

That being said, she, too jumps at some chances. "Honey, I know we don't have that extra $??? to spend, but you've been looking for one JUST LIKE THAT forever. Who knows when the next chance will come around"

Just saying, you can turn her watchful eye and relative disinterest in it to your advantage some. Maybe also think about your collection and what you do/don't use and what you are/aren't attached to. Maybe something you don't want or use anymore can finance a new toy.

Carter
June 15, 2010, 10:29 PM
I use the rifles I don't want like a used car...trade up. Try that to get a little extra cash. I'm not married, but my gf thinks we are...lying is never the way to go. You get caught later and you are in trouble.

Just be honest and RATIONAL in the discussion.

TheWarhammer
June 15, 2010, 10:32 PM
I'm in the "tell her the truth, she's my best friend" camp, too. It's so much easier to just be up front when I want to make a purchase than to continually worry about her finding out. Besides, if she already knows I bought it, then I can enjoy looking/disassembling/cleaning/playing with it any time I want without fear. I say reevaluate your priorities. Build your relationship first, then your gun collection.

hogshead
June 15, 2010, 10:33 PM
Always tell the truth and you never have to remember anything. Mark Twain I think.

dakotasin
June 15, 2010, 10:33 PM
i don't worry about it.

if she finds out and gets mad, she'll either get over it or die mad. i do not volunteer a new purchase, though.

my money, i'll do what i want w/ it.

Larry Ashcraft
June 15, 2010, 10:41 PM
We're celebrating our 40th anniversary this year. We didn't get this far by lying to each other. In fact, most of my most treasured guns were gifts from my wife.

ArtP
June 15, 2010, 10:54 PM
I was bought one of those Minkota auto-pilot trolling motors for around $800. She constantly threw it in my face for two months. The only thing that satisfied her was agreeing to $10,000 in kitchen cabinets that I could have cared less about.

That's a very expensive trolling motor.

rbernie
June 15, 2010, 10:57 PM
Hiding ANYTHING from your spouse/SO is never a recipe for success.....

Highcaliber
June 15, 2010, 10:59 PM
Buy a new gun for you and pick out one for the Wife.

In your case it might be a good idea to set the Wifes gun sights "high and to the right" then when she gets after you, just run " low and to the left" :D

LouisCipher777
June 15, 2010, 10:59 PM
I'm usually excited and show her immediately anyway. luckily the response I usually get is "when are we going to go shoot it?", but occasionally there is the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH ON ANOTHER FU@%!NG GUN?", but it's always better to get the argument out of the way if necessary. strong relationships do not include deception.

for everything else Highcaliber is on the money

kingpin008
June 15, 2010, 11:03 PM
Agree w/ the rest. I've only been married for a month, but even I understand two simple things:

1. Be truthful
2. Pick your battles

Ask yourself what the gun is worth, monetarily. Then compare that with what a hassle it would be to keep it a secret, plus what it would cost in hurt feelings and mistrust should your spouse discover your subterfuge.

Old Shooter
June 15, 2010, 11:04 PM
I don't tell her about new gun purchases but she eventually finds out...

She: You got a new gun didn't you?

Me: Yup!

She: How's it shoot?

Me: Pretty good.

She: I'm going shopping for new clothes, see you later.

Me: OK.

Been working for 32 years. :)

Mr.Davis
June 15, 2010, 11:05 PM
Permission or Forgiveness? Neither.

I suggest that you develop a monthly budget or spending plan that includes a reasonable sum set aside for each of you to spend as you'd like.

My wife and I share all our finances in common accounts, but we do have money set aside from the other household expenditures for our personal use. That money is to be spent on whatever we'd like month to month, and neither of us ever criticize the other as long as we're staying within the budget.

This is a relatively simple way to avoid a huge amount of stress and anger in a marriage. It also eliminates any feeling of guilt or hesitation when you're purchasing something you've saved to buy.

boya
June 15, 2010, 11:07 PM
me and ma will hit 30 this year,and hiding things from my wife never worked,I bought a 1911m she buys a ruger .357 speed six,this was in 1980,
I buy a AK and she gets one too, its been a shared hobby, and congrats on your 40th Larry.

NMGonzo
June 15, 2010, 11:10 PM
Wait for your birthday.

Spydergoo
June 15, 2010, 11:13 PM
Agreed to all of the above. Good advice all. My wife and I both have what we call "blow money" in our budget. I'm thinking she would just be like, "WTH, you need another safe? You have how much stuff in there??" It's not so much the dollar amount.

I brought home a Mosin-Nagant 91/30 last week. Left it in the corner of the living room with the price-tag still on it. She was fine with it, until I told her I was taking an advance on next month's blow money for ammo. :)

The ammo arrived at the doorstep today and she had to sign for it. This one cause a bit of an argument, which prompted my post tonight.

Shadow 7D
June 16, 2010, 12:07 AM
Well there have been a number of theories purported to work
One is that once you have a few, (and you sneak the rest by her) and you make a few usual purchases a year, just skip the details, and if she ever asks, you bought that years ago, and must have been in the back of the safe.
OR
You budget "fun" cash to be spend as you wish, and expect your wife to do the same.
OR
You buy guns for your wife, and a safe to put them in and HOPE and HOPE she never develops a like for shooting so you can keep taking "her" gift guns out 'every once in a while' to knock the rust off them....

there are many ways to deal with it, but I happen to be of the opinion that you just tell her it's your hobby, and as long as it doesn't take anything away from the family, she should be fine with it.

OH about the safe, well just tell her that you got a deal, and since it was a good deal, you bought two, so you would have room for the future purchases and not have to worry about jamming them in the tiny old rinky-dink box any more.

ArtP
June 16, 2010, 01:47 AM
Did you hear the one about a man who lied to his wife for his entire life about the price he paid for his guns???? Upon his death she sold them for what he claimed to have paid.

cassandrasdaddy
June 16, 2010, 01:57 AM
willie nelson in the movie "thief" gave james cann the best advice

cann played a burglar his wife would wake up find him gone in the middle of the night. she was thinking he was tom catting. he was afraid to tell her what he did for a job.(he had a front job) as oklahoma smith nelson said " Do you love her?" cann said "YES!" nelson told him "if you love her tell her the truth. if you lie it'll kill the love either she'll sense the lie and pull away from you or you'll feel guilty about the lie and pull away from her. kid if you love someone never lie to em!, and if you don't love em F EM who are they to make you lie. saw that movie 30 plus years ago and i wish i could say i followed that advice with wife 1. my failure played a real role in her escape. this time around i am doing a lot better

pockets
June 16, 2010, 06:41 AM
My point was, if you pick up a few extra boxes of ammo while at Wally World, or have a couple of extra mags shipped from CTD, do you ask for permission first? Or wait and ask for forgiveness?
I don't have that problem. Honesty and partnership over 29 years has made it a non-issue.
If I bought a couple boxes of ammo at Walmart, my wife would ask me why I only bought 2.
Heck, my wife gets upset with me if I come back from a gun shop without buying a new gun.
.

rattletrap1970
June 16, 2010, 07:03 AM
I'm single. I explain my actions to no one.
Now, If I was with someone, I wouldn't lie about my actions, but I sure as hell wouldn't ask permission. I work, I would assume she works, this means: you have your money and I have mine. I wouldn't even waste my time with someone who didn't like guns or shooting so it probably wouldn't be an issue.

Ky Larry
June 16, 2010, 07:17 AM
The Boss Lady and I have reached an understanding. When the gun safe was full and we had guns chained to the bed frame in the spare bed room, she said if something new comes in, something has to go to make room for it. That's about the only rule she has with my purchases.
We also have an agreement about my purchases. Nothing on credit.I work 40-60 hours a week. One hour of overtime pay ($42.50) a week is mine to spend. I save it in an old fruit cake tin until I have enough to cover a new gun or whatever. We're both in our fifties and are honest with each other. One lie usually leads to another so we have always tried to be straight up with each other.

Rembrandt
June 16, 2010, 07:23 AM
Call Dr Laura.....(we'll be listening)

defjon
June 16, 2010, 07:34 AM
the the poster about three posts back- when you get married, its "OUR" money ;) not so much mine/yours. Most folks generally have ONE joint bank account.

hso
June 16, 2010, 07:35 AM
We've had this discussion before (pages and pages and pages) and you'll find most every opinion out there. As a responsible adult you're expected to have a budget that pays all the bills, puts some money away for retirement and keeps some for entertainment. If there's money left over the people who earn it should keep it and keep it separate from these other budgeted moneys. There should never need to be a discussion about what's done with it. If there's no money left over for personal use then any purchase is a joint decision since it takes away from budgeted funds.

You should never have to "bribe" your spouse or have to hide things from them. If you do you're either doing something you shouldn't or you haven't budgeted properly.

Sav .250
June 16, 2010, 07:41 AM
I have hobbies and my wife has the plastic. She takes care of all things
that includes......money. In my case, If there is something I want , I just save up and when I`ve got the cash........I buy it.
She never has said, you have to many or you don`t need that or why do you need another one? Life is good........:)

rattletrap1970
June 16, 2010, 07:43 AM
No, my money is my money. Which may explain why I'm not married.
I've seen too many of them fail, marriages that is. And I will not put myself in a position where if things failed I would have to fight to keep the things I've worked for.

sourdough44
June 16, 2010, 08:12 AM
The wife & I have a good relationship but I don't put everything on the table for discussion. Yes, I've bought some guns under the radar. I've also bought land & vehicles without asking. If the deal is right & the $$ for everyday life,(+ a safety net) is there I don't see a problem. The dynamics of the relationship plays the biggest part. What works for some would be disaster for others,YYM very well vary.

Victor1Echo
June 16, 2010, 09:38 AM
I'd like to help you out, but I never learned how to compromise; thus, I am not married. However, honesty goes a long way. An alternative would be to start trading you less desirable arms.

SWDoc
June 16, 2010, 10:26 AM
Good advice here. Original question regarding safe; explain it took years to fill the first one, guns cannot be left lying around, and you both know you will be buying more guns over the years. In addition, as your life progresses, you will (and probably already HAVE) accumulate jewelry, papers, and other valuables that should be locked up. You both need more secure storage. You need another safe.

Best advice given; be honest. Going on 34 years here. Bought 3rd safe 2 months ago.

It's possible the biggest obstacle will be where to put it....

Steve

M2 Carbine
June 16, 2010, 10:54 AM
I echo what's already been said about lying to your Wife.
If there's a need to lie, there's a much bigger problem than spending money for a gun.
I use to take great pleasure in showing my Wife what I bought at the gun show.

Just looking for creative ideas.
This, and a few other little money ideas worked well for my Wife and I.

Each payday my Wife and I got a fixed sum of money.
This money was strictly our own personal "Mad Money". This money was to be used for hobbies, buying "toys", whatever.
It was NOT to be used for "house stuff", gas, haircuts, etc. It was strictly "fun money", although it could be used to buy something for the partner, like a present.

The use of the money was not to be criticized by the other partner.

This system worked great for years.
If I saw a gun I wanted, I bought it, with no worries that I was using money we needed for a new washing machine, etc.

Generally I was broke and my Wife usually had several thousand saved.:D

brboyer
June 16, 2010, 12:07 PM
Permission or forgiveness? Neither.
I buy what I want, she buys what she wants.
If I was going to buy something that costs more than $2K - $3K I would let her know just out of courtesy - in the event she was going to make a purchase too, we might need to transfer more money into the checking account.

Patriotme
June 16, 2010, 02:12 PM
I buy what I want. There is no asking permission or begging for forgiveness. They bills are paid, there is extra and I'll buy the occasional toy when I want.

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