The Gospel According to John (Moses Browning that is.):


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MicroBalrog
January 11, 2004, 02:30 PM
The Gospel According to John (Moses Browning that is.):

1. In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was the pistol, and it was
good. And behold the Lord said, "Thou shalt not muck about with my disciple
John's design for it is good and it worketh. For John made the 1911, and lo
all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the
mountain.

2. "And shouldst thou muck about with it and hang all manner of foul
implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have
malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm."

3. And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget
the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the
gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the
1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to
their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

4. Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and
did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans
didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly
field-worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts
didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.

5. And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination
unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero when thou dost need
true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their
enemies in the great battle.

6. And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by
man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunction to come upon the
abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

7. Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the
underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring
forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt
like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the
plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

8. And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these
plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to
muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did function.

9. And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst
both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear
safe.

10. But man, being stupid, did not understand these new pistols and did
proceed to shoot them-selves with the plastic pistol, and with the trigger
cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence
which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to
gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent
discharges which they themselves had committed.

11. And when man had been totally ensnared with plastic pistol, the lord of
the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-BOOM to descend upon
man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there
was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.

12. Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man
was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his
messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of
the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper
configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to
work as the Prophet had intended.

13. And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners
from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil
sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land,
and who were

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And I still like Glocks better.:)

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Andrew Wyatt
January 11, 2004, 02:58 PM
not to be a jerk or anything but a search would have turned up two other instances of this on the board already.

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