De-escalating conflicts

[Nathaniel Firethorn]

Hi, all,

Anyone know of good teachings (books, courses, etc.) about how to de-escalate, or avoid escalation, of conflicts?

Prolly just as vital a skill as knowing how to hit a target. Maybe more so.

Thanks,
- pdmoderator

[PATH]

The Bible! Then again you could use it to escalate as well.

[Monkeyleg]

The best one I've found is to apologize, even if you don't know what you're apologizing for.

Another technique that I used years back in confrontations was to act absolutely insane, waving my arms and shouting gibberish. It scared the begeeziz out of a couple of pretty big guys.

[mdwest]

check out:

www.verbaljudo.com

tapes, books, and seminars available...

it is taught all over the U.S. for conflict resolution and de-escalation to almost every major LE Agency, and at a number of academies...

while alot of LEOs dont agree with the entire VJ program (im including myself in that group...), its a good starting point..

[answerguy]

You mean like" Don't hurt me", "Take what you want", "You must have had a rough childhood , here's all my money"? Oh, nevermind that would be the Brady Bunch reaction.

A bit more seriously; as a kid I wasn't very big so I had to use my wits instead of my fists. In high school the upper classmen initiated the freshman with lipstick all over the face. As I was walking home from school some kids taht I figured were sophmores said " Hey aren't you a freshman?" I lied and said "No I'm a junior" and kept on walking. It worked and I escaped the lipstick.

[PATH]

Two good feet and common sense will get you out of most jams.
All kidding aside. Be aware and don't walk into something. If you get into something then run away as fast as you can. Common sense is better than any book or course.

[QKRTHNU]

Appologize and get away as fast as possible.

If you're in a bar off to buy the guy(s) a drink.

[Betty]

One of the best things to help anyone de-escalate is learning humility. Too many people don't or don't want to learn it, because it makes them look wimpy. Alot of men think it's "unmanly" to back off. So they get tough and menacing and end up escalating issues that aren't worth it. Once you learn to accept a little humility, it's easier to apologize and walk away. It's far more mature to walk away than get into fights over little things. :)

One thing I do is ask myself, "Is this really worth (escalating/fighting/shooting) over?" or "Am I going to let this idiot ruin my beautiful day?"

Sometimes I think, "He'll eventually get his in his own special way...."

[spacemanspiff]

i was a hair away from talking myself into a fight last night.

i'm walking through the quiky mart parking lot and walked in front of someone driving through. the idiot punches the gas which grabs my attention as i dont really want to become a hood ornament. i look up at the driver and him and his girlfriend are laughing it up. so i said something that sounds like "lasso" and he apparently read my lips. he walks into the quiky mart after me, but waits until i get up to the register with my 12pack of that new knockoff of sprite. sierra something or other.
if he was really looking for a fight, he wouldve approached me right away. but he stood there for a second buying a pack of cigarettes and then asks me "Did you call me a 'lasso'?"
I said "Did you goose the gas as i walked in front of your truck?"
we exchanged some words and he wound up saying that i should meet him in the parking lot.
i said "oh that will do lots of good."
he says "do you have something to say?"
i said "i already said it."
but i was laughing it off so it really irritated him even more. he circled the parking lot twice as i walked towards home, driving slowly past me, trying to get a fight out of me.

now i'm not an aggressive person, and i cant remember the last time or even the first time i've gotten in a fight. and i know that if the mental midget did come after me i'd have a tough time justifying my actions since i was the person to escalate a situation by 1. saying a word that got under the other persons skin and 2. being a smart mouth with the idiot

all i had to do was apologize.

but what else do you do when someone gooses the gas in a half hearted attempt to intimidate by threatening to run you over?

[Mute]

Well, when your attacker is dead, that's pretty much complete de-escalation. :evil: In all seriousness, put your pride in check. Is your ego so important, that it's better to be dead or in jail than to have your self-image bruised a little?

[Edward429451]

I agree with Runt and Mute. Use reverse psychology on em. All their little egos want is a little reassurance that they are a 'man'. Give em their little ego boost and they'll never know that THEY were conned. They get to go home feeling like a man and you get to go home without filling out all that paperwork and lawyers and stuff.

[labgrade]

A best bet for "deescalation" is to never be in situations that could present such.

I know. Many of y'all want to trip the light fantasic, as did I earlier on. And really, it's something we should all do - perhaps the only true social experiment. ;)

But, after living through that ;) take a look at why you'd even "go there" - places that could likely place you in such jeopardy.

Birds of a feather comes to mind.

Having "seen the lights," from both sides .... thanks, I'll bow out & assume a much more "gentrified" lifestyle.

Runt, mute = good enough posts.

Egos are for those that don't have one.

[LASur5r]

What runt,md, and path, and others said.:D
Most incidents are not by the book.:confused: :confused:
But a lot of stories are based on real life situations where the survivors get to tell the stories.:uhoh: :p ..then it's up to you.:neener: :neener: :neener:

[M1911]

someone around these parts (on TFL?) said that you should avoid:

- stupid people
- stupid places
- stupid things

If you know a guy who tends to get liquored up and look for fights, then don't hang out with him anymore. Don't close down bars, especially those known to be rough and/or in bad parts of town (heck, I don't go bars at all these days).

[CWL]

de-escalation is knowing when not to get into the stuation in the first place.

This may include, not having that last drink, letting someone push in front of you in a line, walking away when people are taunting you, etc...

If a situation goes in the way of violence, definitely be the last one standing, -but do everything you can (including swallowing your pride) to prevent it beforehands.

[labgrade]

As such my "just don't go there" theme. ;)

[bogie]

I've bought drinks, etc., and that sometimes works... Another thing that works with a lot of folks is the statement "Hey, I'm sorry, and I apologize, but I won't fight you. I don't want to go back to prison."

Of course, if you're in an organized situation, such as bouncing in a bar, ONLY approach the miscreant when you've got backup. One person 86's the person (not always a guy...) while the other one makes sure that they don't do anything nasty.

[Country Boy]

Carry a $5 held around a matchbook with a rubber band. You can always toss it to the miscreant to distract him while you run the other way. The courts could see it as a gesture of goodwill, and it could save you some $$ in legal fees if the situation does escalate and you use deadly force.

The courts don't look favorably upon you if YOU are the one that escalates a situation to fistcuffs or bullets. Do all you can to get out of the situation peacefully, all the while being prepared to use all of the options on your force continuum.

I don't have many specific idea though, sorry!

[benEzra]

If I remember correctly, Massad Ayoob mentioned some ideas in _In the Gravest Extreme_.

[Edward429451]

Ayoob's idea was to carry a 5er round a matchbook to buy em off like previous poster said. Might work on a juvenile but I dont see it working on a hardened criminal. May even provoke him. But at least you tried, you can tell the court.

[labgrade]

Yup - Atoob's in The Gravest Extreme, but I'd toss 'em my whole wallet (d-license, credit cards - the whole bit) to leave unscathed in "a situation."

Cheap, all told. Coupla days to cancel & a few $s to replace, while that situation could easily cost you $10K in court costs just to prove you're the good guy - ain't worth it IMHO.

Better yet to never get in the situation in the first place & for my money, avoid those places that'll put you there.

FWIW, there's a website that'll give you a level of your "at risk function."

90% of those are "do you go to bars, do you do drugs, do you have multiple sex partners," etc. Essentially, the survey comes up that if you place yourself at risk, you will be. Duh. ;)

Your lifestyle dictates your risks.

Guess I'm just boring .....

[Country Boy]

Your lifestyle dictates your risks.
Granted, but sometimes situations arise that you can't avoid.

[labgrade]

Granted, C-Boy, but I'd bet that 90% of our "at risk" categories are of our own choosing.

Another 9% can be taken care through basic situational awareness ...

that last 1% is just a toss up - maybe.

Perhaps it can't be avoided entirely, but I'd bet it could be defused - to some extent.

[atlctyslkr]

Carry a $5 held around a matchbook with a rubber band. You can always toss it to the miscreant to distract him while you run the other way.

I built a little throw away item a few years ago, haven't used it since I haven't had to go to bad areas downtown in a while.

I took some play money (not Monopoly money but the stuff that drugstores sell for kids that looks realistic from a few feet away) and wrapped it around some of those sample junk mail credit cards (you know the ones that look like what your card would look like if you applied) and secured it with a cheap money clip.

Only trouble was I had a similar set up for my real stuff. Just had to remember to throw the right one! Never had to throw it though.

[Ryder]

http://www.comebackalive.com/index.html

Books written by Robert Young Pelton (the guy who interviewed Jihad Johnny on a stretcher in Afghanistan) offered here along with a link to his Black Flag Cafe message board. World travel doesn't allow (and not many of these people recommend) weapons.

Good reading for situational situations :)

[Sawdust]

I miss labgrade.

Damn... :(

Sawdust

[Nathaniel Firethorn]

Wow. This thread's been hibernating for three years.

- NF