Eye-roll worthy GUN jokes?


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Skribs
April 28, 2012, 03:31 AM
I'm notorious in other circles (outside of THR) for making many puns that are worthy of an eye-roll, or in some cases "go away." I thought of a gun-related one here, and thought I'd make you all wonder whether or not I ate paint chips as a child. I'd love some others, if you guys have any. Here goes:

A man pulls a shotgun on Beyonce, but she grabs it out of his hands. When she does this, he complains, "hey, that's mine!"
She responds with "If you liked it, you shoulda put a sling on it."

Hey, I warned you.

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The-Reaver
April 28, 2012, 03:32 AM
Facepalm

Skribs
April 28, 2012, 03:37 AM
This is why I tell these jokes. Facepalms make me laugh.

FROGO207
April 28, 2012, 07:26 AM
I know a couple hand gun enthusiasts that automatically dislike revolvers.

303tom
April 28, 2012, 09:33 AM
I know a couple hand gun enthusiasts that automatically dislike revolvers.
Hand Gun ! Is that code ??????????

MachIVshooter
April 28, 2012, 10:49 AM
This is why I tell these jokes. Facepalms make me laugh.

I'm with you there. I think key to these low rent, not-so-witty puns that will actually make others giggle and smile is if you do a half-serious gomer laugh immediately following the last word. Works for me, anyway :)

Ky Larry
April 28, 2012, 06:33 PM
Here's the worst pun I've ever heard. You've been warned.



Years ago, in British colonial Africa, two hunters were arguing about who was the best hunter, so they decided to settle the matter. They agreed that the next morning the would hunt for a lion and the first to bag it would be know as the greatest hunter in Africa. To spice up the bet, they agreed on a side wager of a pint of fine scotch.
Next morning, they met at the agreed to place and set their pints of whisky on the ground about 100 yards apart. They had no more set the bottles on the ground when they both noticed a huge lion about egual distance between them. Before either could take aim and fire, an airplane suddenly swooped down out of the sky and machine gunned the lion. The moral of this story?


Wait for it.















The shortest distance between two pints is a straffed lion. :barf:

sidheshooter
April 28, 2012, 06:50 PM
Years ago, in British colonial Africa...


Two literary types were sitting under the shade of a tree; one reading some classics, and the other typing a novel about Africa on a portable typewriter.

Suddenly, this problem lion appears-seemingly out of nowhere (for lions can cover an unbelievable distance in no time at full sprint) and, after a quick one-two glance at the two scholars, pounces on the guy reading the leather bound tomes; crushing his neck and dragging his lifeless body into the scrub for a midday kitty snack.


The moral of this story?


Wait for it.




All all lions know,


Readers digest and writers cramp.

MachIVshooter
April 28, 2012, 06:50 PM
The shortest distance between two pints is a straffed lion.

That actually did make me laugh. Does that mean I'm lame?

armoredman
April 28, 2012, 08:10 PM
POWER GROAN! My wife loved the Beyonce one - mind if I use it on Facebook?

galena
April 28, 2012, 08:22 PM
Two cannibals meet in the jungle. One asks the other how he is feeling. Second says he really isn't feeling very good. First asks "What have you had to eat?" Second responds that he ate a missionary the day before. First asks how he cooked the missionary and the second responds, "I boiled him in the big pot." First asks "What did he look like?" Second describes the missionary, "He was short and chubby and he was wearing a brown robe thing with a rope belt, and he had a funny hair cut, just a ring of hair around his head and shaved on top."




First one says: "Well there's your problem..........................................














he wasn't a Boiler.........................................he was a Friar"

fireman 9731
April 28, 2012, 08:55 PM
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?..... It was intense!

Nushif
April 28, 2012, 09:03 PM
So these two canibals are sitting in the forest, eating a clown.
One of them looks at the other and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

Rail Driver
April 28, 2012, 09:07 PM
ok so out of like 7 jokes, only 3 of them are "gun" jokes ... what gives? :cuss:

LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
April 28, 2012, 09:37 PM
I've got one. It's a football one for college teams, with guns in it. It's mostly regional, you'll understand why.

So a Nebraska fan and a Texas fan are sitting on their horses.
The Texas fan throws up a can of beer and shoots it.
The Nebraska fan asks, "What'd you do that for?"
So the Texas fan replies, "We've got so much beer laying around that we don't know what to do with it.

So a few minutes pass by, and then the Nebraska fan throws a bottle of wine into the air and shoots it.
The Texas fan asks, "Hey, now what did you do that for?"
And the Nebraska fan replies, "We've got so much wine lying around, we don't know what to do with it."

Well, about a half hour passes, both riders talking to each other about nothing important, when an Iowa fan rides up and shoots the Nebraska fan off of his horse.

"Hey, man! What did you do that for!" The Texas fan asks.
And the Iowa fan replies, "We've got so many Nebraska fans lying around, we don't know what to do with 'em!"

LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
April 29, 2012, 01:02 AM
Never said it was the greatest.

Sig Bill
April 29, 2012, 01:09 AM
What did one gun say to the other gun?






"My pop is bigger than your pop"

MrDig
April 29, 2012, 02:25 AM
An Elderly woman is pulled over by a State Trooper, he runs her plate and a concealed carry notice comes up. He politely approaches the car and asks if she has any weapons.
"Why yes officer I have a 9mm in my purse, a .357 in the console and a .45 in the glove box" The officer is shocked and asks "What are you afraid of?" the Woman replies "Not a damn thing sir....."

Single Action Six
April 29, 2012, 04:36 AM
Skribs said in part..

"A man pulls a shotgun on Beyonce, but she grabs it out of his hands. When she does this, he complains, "hey, that's mine!"
She responds with "If you liked it, you shoulda put a sling on it."

OK. I'll bite. :confused:

Single Action Six

Gun Geezer
April 29, 2012, 08:46 AM
Skribs said in part..



OK. I'll bite. :confused:

Single Action Six
You have to be like listening to pop music. It' almost the same as a line in one of her songs: "If you like then you better put a ring on it".

My daughters listen to that stuff. Me, I'm still into Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings.

Flopsweat
April 29, 2012, 08:56 AM
Wasn't the actual line "If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it"?

grasssnake
April 29, 2012, 10:17 AM
Arizona sheriff is at a party with his 45 auto on his side. Society lady says hello and says, "Sheriff I noticed you have your pistol on. Were you expecting trouble?"
Sheriff says, "No maa'm. If I was expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."

loadedround
April 29, 2012, 11:05 AM
There goes my breakfast!

LawScholar
April 29, 2012, 01:11 PM
I wrote like, ten puns to submit here, to see if any would make me laugh hard enough to post it.

But no pun in ten did.

Hypnogator
April 29, 2012, 02:11 PM
Quite some years ago, a rich hunter paid an extravagant amount for a safari in Africa, the object of which was to hunt the great Mountain Gorilla. The outfitter equipped him with a huge native guide, Nagumba, and an even huger brindled hunting dog. After Nagumba watched the hunter carefully sight in his rifle, the three headed for the bush, in gorilla territory.

The first day, they spotted a great male gorilla. The dog immediately charged the gorilla, chasing it up to the very top of a tall tree. Nagumba deftly climbed up the tree into a position just under the gorilla, and began shaking the branches violently. After a few minutes, the gorilla lost it’s grip on the branch, and came tumbling down to the ground. Before the hunter could shoot, the dog immediately leaped on the gorilla, grabbed it by the crotch, took out a mighty bite which included all that made the male gorilla male. The gorilla quickly expired, and was duly skinned and packed for taxidermy.

The next day, the same thing happened. The dog treed a gorilla, Nagumba shook it out of the tree, but before bwana could shoot, the dog grabbed the gorilla by the crotch, and killed it. The hunter didn’t say anything, but clearly wasn’t happy that he hadn’t gotten in on the kill.

The third day, when the same thing happened, after the dog had finished, the hunter expressed his dismay to Nagumba, saying he might as well leave his rifle in camp, as he apparently wasn’t going to get the opportunity to use it! Nagumba assured him that his presence with the rifle was most essential during the hunt, and that he should keep it very clean and make sure it was loaded at all times while they were in the field.

Well, the fourth day, they spotted an especially huge and fine example of male gorillahood, which the dog quickly treed. Nagumba scurried up the tree right behind the gorilla and began shaking it. But this time, the gorilla started shaking the tree, himself, so eventually it was Nagumba who lost his grip and came tumbling down through the branches. As he fell, the hunter could hear him screaming, “Quick! Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!” :neener::neener::neener:

dampoo
April 29, 2012, 05:52 PM
A three legged dog walks into an old western saloon and stares around the room
.

The bartender says what are you looking for?

I am looking for the man who shot my paw.

kayak-man
April 29, 2012, 10:30 PM
Here's a few bad ones:

I find that I shoot my .22 and .38 more than my 870, mainly, because the shotgun is a bigger "boor."

I own more rifles and shotguns than pistols, even though they are pretty generic ones. You could say they are "stock" firearms.

The first time I shot my AK, the tree I had nailed my target to ended up getting shot in half. I needless to say I was disappointed, since I was in the market for a carbine, not a SAW.

Chris "the Kayak-Man" Johnson

TurtlePhish
April 29, 2012, 10:38 PM
http://i1162.photobucket.com/albums/q532/TurtlePhish/facepalm06.jpg

Redlg155
April 29, 2012, 11:01 PM
A coon hunter has a pet monkey that has an insane hate for coons. He decides to make use of this by giving the monkey a revolver and sending him up a tree to shoot the coon once the dogs have one treed. This works so well that the dogs soon start to get jealous decide to trick the monkey by sending him up a tree with no coon in it. The monkey calmy climbs down and shoots all of the dogs stone dead.

A freind of the hunter asks "what just happened???!!" The hunter calmly looks at him and says " If there is one thing he hates more than a coon, it's a lying coon dog!"

.,...........

Although not technically a joke, human flatulation can sometimes be compared to weapons..

Women,typically .380, but I've hear some 45s in my day.

Dinner at our local Peppers Mexican..Class 3 Machine Gun.

We all know the "SBD" Silencer but deadly.

Gramps..... .50 cal smokepole with 100 grains of FFG. Makes your eyes water and sulfur smell.

The ones when you think you are alone...12 ga 3" magnum. Then someone walks around the corner.

Flopsweat
April 30, 2012, 03:18 AM
"I do not always shoot rifles, but when I do I prefer dos AKs."

hang fire
April 30, 2012, 05:47 AM
Call me a gun nut again and i will blow your head off.

hang fire
April 30, 2012, 05:49 AM
Flopsweat: "I do not always shoot rifles, but when I do I prefer dos AKs."


I prefer dos AKs amber.

roadchoad
April 30, 2012, 10:58 AM
I know a couple hand gun enthusiasts that automatically dislike revolvers.

Took me a sec. That deserves a slow clap LOL.

Ryanxia
April 30, 2012, 12:20 PM
A guy joins the Army to fight in the war, as they're handing out bayonets he is at the end of the line and they say the ran out. So they gave him a stick and told him to say 'stabbidy stab stab!'

They run out of rifles before he gets one too and they tell him to point the stick and say 'bangidy bang bang!'

When he gets to the battlefield he points his stick at the enemy and starts yelling; 'stabbidy stab stab!' and an enemy soldier falls dead. Then he yells 'bangidy bang bang!' and enemy soldiers start dropping. His squad is amazed.

Then as he is yelling 'bangidy bang bang' at an enemy soldier the soldier keeps coming closer, not falling down. The enemy soldier runs him over while chanting 'tankidy tank tank, tankidy tank tank.'

Lame, I know. :D

Skribs
April 30, 2012, 12:34 PM
Oh, cannibal jokes?

A man is vacationing on a tropical island, when he gets kidnapped by the local tribe of savage cannibals. The chief of the tribe asks the man what his job is back in the real world.
"I'm an editor" the man replies.
"Tomorrow, then," the cannibal tells him, "you will be editor-in-chief."

Three men were on vacation when their plane crashed on an island. They were grabbed by a group of cannibals. The chief told them he was going to kill and eat them, and use their skins to make a canoe, but that he would be gracious and let them choose how to die.
The first man wanted to be shot in the head, so it would be quick and painless.
The second man asked to have his neck broken, because that would also be fairly quick.
The third man, however, just said "give me a fork." The cannibals were confused, but the chief told them to comply with the third man's demand.
After they gave him the fork, he started stabbing himself all over and screamed "SO MUCH FOR YOUR EFFING CANOE!"

Ryanxia
April 30, 2012, 12:39 PM
I like that canoe one Skribs.

Owen
April 30, 2012, 12:47 PM
Let's keep it gun-related guys.

MrDig
April 30, 2012, 02:27 PM
It is called the Congressman
It doesn't Work, you can't fire it, and you pay full retail for it every year after you get rid of it.............

amflyer
April 30, 2012, 02:44 PM
I heard that Beyonce had a lot of trouble getting her weapons zeroed...they were all printing "to the left; to the left..."

JRH6856
April 30, 2012, 02:44 PM
Folks on this thread are gluttons for punishment.

Skribs
April 30, 2012, 02:44 PM
Billy and Jimmy are out hunting, when Billy gets bitten by a snake. Jimmy calls 911 and says "My friend was bit by a snake, and I think he's dead!"
The 911 operator said "first, I want you to make sure he's dead."
BAM! "What's next?" Jimmy asked.

Hank and Aaron were out hunting, when Aaron accidentally shot his friend. He took him to the ER, but Hank still died. The doctor told Aaron, "he probably would have lived if you hadn't skinned and gutted him before you brought him to us."

Ed N.
April 30, 2012, 02:49 PM
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Joseph? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Joseph, that your parrot, he
is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Joseph.'
'Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Joseph.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Si Senor Joseph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?! What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Fire!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
on fire.'
'What??!! Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because
of a candle??!!'

'Si, Senor Joseph.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's funeral, Senor Joseph. She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her over the head with your shotgun.'

SILENCE . . . . . .. . .

LOOOONG SILENCE . . . . . . . ..

'Ernesto, if you've broken my Purdey, you're a dead man!!'

CoRoMo
April 30, 2012, 03:07 PM
:cuss: Why do I keep coming back into this thread!!?!! :banghead:


:D

parsimonious_instead
April 30, 2012, 04:40 PM
Ever see rifle sights ON a scope??

http://www.flickr.com/photos/29654367@N08/7129239333/in/photostream

Viewing telescope at Petrified Forest National Park.

Rail Driver
April 30, 2012, 06:23 PM
Ever see rifle sights ON a scope??

http://www.flickr.com/photos/29654367@N08/7129239333/in/photostream

Viewing telescope at Petrified Forest National Park.
You mean like this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FYy8AJ9SWA

medalguy
May 1, 2012, 12:12 AM
Ever see rifle sights ON a scope??


How natural that these were paid for by our government.

Is that a political joke?? Sorry.

David E
May 1, 2012, 12:17 AM
Ever see rifle sights ON a scope??


How natural that these were paid for by our government.

Is that a political joke?? Sorry.

They're called BUIS - Back Up Iron Sights. You know, in case the scope goes down in the middle if a firefight. Gives the soldier/operator an option besides spray and pray.

parsimonious_instead
May 1, 2012, 01:39 AM
They're called BUIS - Back Up Iron Sights. You know, in case the scope goes down in the middle if a firefight. Gives the soldier/operator an option besides spray and pray.

I'm quite familiar with the concept of Back Up Iron Sights... but I thought they were usually co-witnessed through the optic, or placed elsewhere, but NOT stacked right on top of the tube.

In any event, it sort of tickled me pink as I drove through Petrified Forest National Park to see this - oddly, it was the only "viewing scope" that had these weird "iron sights" on top - none of the other optical instruments provided to park visitors had anything like that.

(I have a quirky sense of humor in which I find a great deal of delight in finding firearm related items and ideas in an unusual context).

Mr. Farknocker
May 1, 2012, 02:46 AM
David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns to Women

10.* You can trade and old 44 for a new 22.

9.* You can keep one gun at home and have another one for when you are on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7.* Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for back up.

6.* Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5.* A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4.* Guns function normally every day of the month.

3.* A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women....

1.* You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Mr. Farknocker
May 1, 2012, 02:48 AM
Mr. Farknocker's Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns to Men

10. Real guns don't shoot blanks.

9.* Gun barrels never soften over time.

8. A gun will only shoot when you want it to.

7. A fully loaded gun still maintains its aim.

6.* Guns don't misfire.

5.* A gun can fire 15 times and as fast or slow as you want it to.

4. Guns don't smell bad when they haven't been cleaned

3.* You can always play with two guns at the same time if you want to.

2.* The grips never expand over time.

And the number one reason why women prefer guns to men......

1.* Guns appreciate in value over time.

parsimonious_instead
May 1, 2012, 08:27 AM
Mr. Farknocker's Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns to Men

10. Real guns don't shoot blanks.

9.* Gun barrels never soften over time.

8. A gun will only shoot when you want it to.

7. A fully loaded gun still maintains its aim.

6.* Guns don't misfire.

5.* A gun can fire 15 times and as fast or slow as you want it to.

4. Guns don't smell bad when they haven't been cleaned

3.* You can always play with two guns at the same time if you want to.

2.* The grips never expand over time.

And the number one reason why women prefer guns to men......

1.* Guns appreciate in value over time.


I'd add:

12: No prenup... just the "four rules"

13: They're cheaper to feed and easier to unjam

MedWheeler
May 1, 2012, 09:29 AM
Bill decides to take his friend Tom, who has never hunted before, to a ranch he has been to prior to hunt but when they arrive, he is dismayed to see the property posted "No Trespassing". He tells Tom to wait in the truck, saying he'll go ask the rancher if, since he's let him hunt there before, if he would make an exception to his new rule today, since Bill's brought a friend along. The rancher is at first hesitant, saying hunters have trashed his land before, but agrees to make an exception in exchange for a favor. "You see," he begins, "I've got this old cow out back I need to slaughter, but the kids have grown kinda attached to her, and I don't have the heart to do it. If you shoot my cow, you can hunt here."
Bill agrees, and, on the way back to the truck to tell Tom, decides to pull a joke on him. "That old coot won't let us hunt here!" he tells Tom. "I'm gonna shoot his cow!" He grabs his rifle and takes off again, disappearing behind the house. BLAM!.. and he comes running back to the truck, only to find Tom isn't there!
Suddenly.. BLAM! BLAM!, and Tom comes running back to the truck as well, shouting "I got the dog and cat, too! Let's get the f*xx out of here!"

Skribs
May 1, 2012, 12:04 PM
Med that reminds me of an episode of an incredibly accurate cop show (Reno 911). The cops got a call about a rabid dog, but the dog is just laying there. The guy gives a sob story about how the dog is sick and he can't afford to put it down, and asks if they can help. So one of the cops says, "you know what, I'll help you out," and walks over to the dog and shoots it.

At the sound of the gunshot a lady runs out of the house screaming, "what did you do to my poor dog?"

The man just looks at her and yells "that'll teach ya to let your dog poop on my lawn."

kayak-man
May 1, 2012, 03:24 PM
And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women....

1.* You can buy a silencer for a gun.

In a similar vein...

Words of Wisdom from Inspector Sledge Hammer:

- women are like guns: live with 'em long enough, and you'll want to shoot them both.

-No, it's not a silencer. This little doodad is my own invention. I call it a loudener.

- A gun is a dangerous weapon, Doreau, and, if used properly, a WONDERFUL source of entertainment! (makes "fingerguns") Pew! Pew Pew!

Chris "the Kayak-Man" Johnson

hammerklavier
May 1, 2012, 10:45 PM
At one particular handgun match there were three contestants who were so good they all had perfect scores. The judges decided they should each take a free style shot of his own choosing as a tie-breaker.

First up was a professional target shooter from Austria. He spotted a bee flying along ten meters down range, pulled out his Glock 17 and BLAM! the bee disintegrated. The judges nodded in approval.

Next up was a rancher from Texas, eager to outdo the Austrian, he spotted a fly buzzing around 20 meters downrange. He pulled his Colt Single Action in .45 and BOOM! the fly was no more. The judges were impressed.

The third contestant was a Rabbi from Israel. He pointed downrange and said, "Do you see that gnat flying along, about 30 meters from here?"

The judges strained their eyes until they finally saw the gnat. The Rabbi whipped out his Jericho 941 and BLAM! But the gnat kept flying. With great satisfaction, the Rabbi returned the gun to its holster and said, "Gentlemen, that's how it's done."

The judges were flabbergasted, one of them said, "But, you didn't kill the gnat!"

"Kill the gnat, he says? A circumcision is not supposed to be fatal."

TurtlePhish
May 1, 2012, 11:01 PM
"Kill the gnat, he says? A circumcision is not supposed to be fatal."


LOL :D

This one is great.

LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
May 2, 2012, 09:48 AM
I had quite the chuckle about that gnat. Lol

Skribs
May 2, 2012, 10:48 PM
Stole this one from the Darwin Awards, but it's been classified as an Urban Legend as opposed to a legitimate winner. Still an interesting story, nonetheless:

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Sig Bill
May 2, 2012, 11:28 PM
That's an amazing story. :what:

parsimonious_instead
May 3, 2012, 12:21 AM
That's an amazing story. :what:

If a .454 were involved, the story would truly be a Magnum Opus.

TurtlePhish
May 3, 2012, 12:22 AM
If a .454 were involved, the story would truly be a Magnum Opus.


...refer to bear facepalm image. :rolleyes:;)

Flopsweat
May 3, 2012, 04:03 AM
If a .454 were involved, the story would truly be a Magnum Opus.
Aaaaand we have a winner. :D



"We have met the murderer, and he is us". ;)

WardenWolf
May 3, 2012, 05:38 AM
So this Czech and this Pole went out bear hunting. They hired a guide, who warned them not to wander too far off. Well, of course, they didn't listen, and the guide heard them screaming and ran over to find them being eaten by two bears, a male and a female. He shot both bears and opened them up. Wouldn't you know it, the Czech was in the male.

parsimonious_instead
May 3, 2012, 07:29 AM
The Eastern European Skydiving Team went for a practice run. Unfortunately, their chute-repacker, Boris, had a bit too much to drink and did a sloppy job. None of the canopies opened after exiting the plane. All but one plunged and died - who lived, and why?

It was the Czech.... he bounced.

Skribs
May 3, 2012, 12:16 PM
I think you guys need to Czech your facts on some of these stories...

When we got my Mom her first gun, it was a Ruger SP-101 revolver. She was mainly concerned with wild animals while her and my Dad would go hiking. We said she'd probably want .357s, but she can only handle .38s. I asked, "would that stop a cougar?"
She responded, "no, but it'd slow Dad down enough."
(I'm not kidding, those were her words. Luckily, she was kidding).

Driftertank
May 3, 2012, 12:25 PM
This is what this thread really needs...

http://www.sadtrombone.com/

hammerklavier
May 3, 2012, 12:53 PM
[Here's a real groaner...]

My uncle Bill was a rich man who had many passing interests. Back in the seventies he decided to get involved in target shooting. As someone who always had to have the best, he sought out a nice Colt 1911 and then asked around for the best 1911 tuner. "The best 1911 tuner in the world is a man named Opperknockity," a knowledgeable shooter told him, "but I wouldn't go to him, he lives deep in the jungle of Uganda."

Uncle Bill also loved adventure, so he flew to Uganda and hired some local guides. For a week they traveled deep into the jungle, finally arriving at a small village. Uncle Bill went to the main hut where he encountered the tribal leader, "Are you Opperknockity?"

"I am."

"Can you tune my 1911?"

"I can tune a 1911, but I can't tune a fish! Ha ha ha! 1911 tuner's joke!" [I had to get that one in here.]

So Opperknockity tuned the gun like no one else could. Soon it was running flawlessly and was as accurate as a gun can be. Uncle Bill gladly paid the man and headed back through the jungle and took a flight back to the states.

When he got back to his penthouse condo, he decided to field strip the gun and clean it. Unfortunately, the slide slipped out of his hand and Zing! went crashing through the window and onto the sidewalk.

Seeing that the slide was a little bent and one of the sights was off, Uncle Bill decided to take the gun back to Africa. He boarded the next flight to Uganda, hired the same guides again and traveled for a week through the jungle. Finally he arrived at Opperknockity's hut and asked him if he would tune his 1911 again.

Opperknockity said, "Sorry, but Opperknockity only tunes once!"

[I warned you!]

DCoke
May 3, 2012, 03:44 PM
@hammerklavier.....my hat is off to you! I am a teller of puns and that one was a doozy...........but just so you know....the reason I tell puns .........................................................................................is for punishment!

Mauser lover
May 3, 2012, 04:13 PM
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click click click ….

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click click click ….

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?”

Son: “You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?”

Wife: “You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist.”

Skribs
May 3, 2012, 05:05 PM
That reminds me of another one, and pardon me if I butcher it:

Why California is broke:

When presented with the following question, this is the answer from the government in California.

Question: You are walking your dog through the park, when a coyote jumps out of the woods. Your dog is willing to defend you and let you get away. What would your response to this situation be, and how much would it cost?

Answer: Well, first I'll have to call Animal Control and have the coyote taken to a safe location. Cost of relocation, $500. I will also probably have to pay for my dog to be put down and the associated funeral, cost $600. I will probably also need rabies shots if the coyote managed to attack me, medical bills total $8,000. Then I will promote an awareness campain for coyotes, presenting how to respectfully coexist with them; campaign cost $30,000.
Hopefully the campaign will raise enough awareness that we can build a nature reserve for coyotes, which will probably cost in the ballpark of $400,000, for a total of $439,100.

When asked a similar question, the governor of Texas had a different answer: one shot from my .357, total cost approximately $0.40.

This is why California is broke.

LT.Diver
May 3, 2012, 07:03 PM
A friend of mine was really sick. He didn't kick the bucket.....just turned a little pail.

Skribs
May 4, 2012, 12:41 PM
Saw in another thread the subject of TSA come up, reminded me of this story (not a joke, an actual story):

When I was about 5 or 6, my family took my grandparents to the airport for a trip. This was before 9/11, when you could actually see people to the gate. My Mom told me to pack up some toys in my backpack, but didn't monitor me at the time. When we were going through the security check, the guards didn't even bother to ask - they grabbed my backpack and started rifling through it. What they found was a toy revolver I'd had from my cowboy halloween costume the year before. They realized once they grabbed it that it was a toy, but they still held onto it and said we could get it back when we left.

That wasn't quite the end of it, though. Have you ever seen a kid's cowboy costume with one revolver? Well, the other one was still in my backpack. I pulled it out to play with at the gate and my Mom yelled at me to put it back in my back. Luckily nobody else saw it.

The morale of the story? 50% success rate by checkpoint security.

Skribs
May 4, 2012, 03:55 PM
Jeff went over to his friend, Bill's house, and saw Bill loading some shotgun shells. "Whatcha doin?" Jeff asked.
"Shootin' some slugs," Bill answered.
"But, that's white powder in your shells, not a slug," Jeff said.
"I know," Bill replied, "it's rock salt. Slugs are the target."

Skribs
May 31, 2012, 04:06 PM
I know it's been a while, but my Dad told me this one yesterday and I had to add it to the thread:

When Jeff was very young, he asked his grandfather how he got to be so old. His grandfather told him that every morning, he'd sprinkle a little bit of gunpowder on his oatmeal and mix it in before he ate it. Jeff started doing this, and lived to the ripe old age of 103. When he died, he left behind 5 kids, 16 grandkids, 34 great-grandkids, 12 great-great-grandkids, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Forage
May 31, 2012, 07:28 PM
Two guys are out hunting for their first time. After a long day looking for some deer they decide to head back to the road. After walking for a while they realise that they're lost.

"I've read about this," said the first hunter. "We should stay right where we are and fire three times in the air."

So they fire three times into the air and set up camp for the night.

The next day help has not arrived. So they fire into the air three more times and wait to be found.

They wait out the whole day, and the next morning nobody has showed up. The hunter picks up his weapon and aims up into the air.

"I hope this works," he says, "we're down to our last three arrows."

ThorinNNY
May 31, 2012, 08:15 PM
Supposed to found on a headstone in a cemetary in Tombstone Arizona.

Here lies Les Moore,
Four slugs from a .44,
No Les,
No more!

dubya450
June 1, 2012, 12:59 AM
@mrdigg, wasn't that an actual story? I swear i just read about that old lady somewhere recently.

bobmcd
June 1, 2012, 07:15 AM
They are for orienting the telescope on the object to be viewed.

The higher power the telescope, the more the need for a secondary aiming device to orient it.

Here is a telescope for sale that mentions a "finder scope" as one of its features:

http://www.sportsmansguide.com/net/cb/Barska-300X-Compact-Travel-Telescope-Spotting-Scope.aspx?a=797477&pm2d=CSE-SPG-3-GOOGLE&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cse

I have even heard that for some extremely powerful scopes, the finder scope has a finder scope.

wkumatt
June 2, 2012, 09:36 PM
Have you heard about the women who cera-koted her pistol?

She was so excited to tell her friends she had a gun in the oven.

Sent from my PB99400 using Tapatalk 2

doggy1953
June 3, 2012, 09:46 PM
That was good, been a long time since i heard that one.

coolluke01
June 3, 2012, 10:12 PM
Q- What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?

A- We are going to have a BB.


I can't resist.
Q- What did the cannibal do when he ate the Pentecostal missionary?

A- He threw up his hands.

parsimonious_instead
June 10, 2012, 07:32 PM
I have a nice silvery Mezzi case... I live in an apt building, so I get questions about it almost every time I take it to and from my car...
Here are my stock answers:

"I play percussion, but I'm not a musician"

"Oh, I'm not a very good musician....if you see me playing, you'd best cover your ears."

One possible, slightly rude one:

"Oh this case? It's full of a rare substance called MYOB."

Sig Bill
June 10, 2012, 08:22 PM
Or you can tell 'em it's body parts. :)

Skribs
June 11, 2012, 03:29 PM
I just got a new shotgun with a rail on top of the receiver and ghost rings on it. My friend asked me to put an RDS, but after looking through the ghost rings, it was love at the first sight.

Skribs
July 6, 2012, 04:42 PM
Apparently Sig Sauer is coming out with their "all natural" model, which instead of using alloys only uses the metals as they are found, forged to fit the gun's specifications. They're calling it Sig Nature.

Okay, I'm stretching on that one.

Sig Bill
July 6, 2012, 06:30 PM
How about a gal with a P250 making baskets lying in a stretcher?

Sig gurney weaver. :D

wkumatt
July 6, 2012, 07:23 PM
Awe groan.

Sent from my PB99400 using Tapatalk 2

1894
July 6, 2012, 10:17 PM
Wow. I can't believe that I've read this complete thread. You guys are worse than me. And, that's saying something.

OkieGentleman
July 7, 2012, 06:33 PM
I cannot believe I read the whole thing!

Does that count as a pun?

Sig Bill
July 7, 2012, 06:59 PM
Don't you point your pun at me!

Skribs
July 8, 2012, 02:09 AM
Steve was an outlaw, and was luckily the only one of his band who hadn't gotten caught by the authorities. The other five were set to be hung the following morning. Steve went out to rescue them, and much to their dismay, they saw a 5-shot snubnose revolver in his hands. Steve was not known for being a good shot, and he was just going to get himself caught by doing this.

To everyone's surprise, Steve pulled off five rapid-fire shots, each one cleanly severing a rope from the neck of one of his fellow bandits. In the ruckus, they were able to escape. At a tavern in the next town, they were all thanking Steve for breaking them out. "I can't believe that shooting!" one of them exclaimed.

"I'm disappointed, too," Steve sullenly said. "But if I'd had a sixth shot, I swear I wouldn't have missed the hangman again.

catinthebat
July 8, 2012, 02:18 AM
I guess I should put the sling on my Mosin Nagant quickly.

JustA19D
July 9, 2012, 04:12 PM
Medwheeler, I love that joke

Hypnogator
July 10, 2012, 02:41 PM
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression!

:neener::neener::neener:

Sig Bill
July 10, 2012, 06:11 PM
I don't know if that's true or not but that's good.

CZguy
July 10, 2012, 11:59 PM
I don't know if that's true or not but that's good.

Oh, I can assure you that every single joke in this entire thread is true. :D

jspence
July 20, 2012, 07:36 PM
Gun shows are like strip clubs. You get to see a lot, touch a little,
but nothing ever comes home with you.

Skribs
August 13, 2012, 01:09 PM
A comment in another thread reminded me of this one:

It was a slow news day, so one reporter decided to interview an elderly couple that had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. The reporter stated it must take a lot of effort to maintain the relationship for that long, but the husband says they've never had a fight. The reporter is baffled. "How can that be?" So the husband tells his story.

They had just gotten married, and for their honeymoon they were taking a tour of the grand canyon. As they headed down the path into the great fissure, the wife's mule stumbled. "That's one," she told the mule.

A quarter mile down the winding path, the mule stumbled again. "That's two." Around the next turn, the mule took it's third stumble. Without saying anything, the newlywed calmly got off the mule, pulled her .44 magnum out of its holster, and shot the mule in the back of the head.

The husband was shocked, shocked! "Isn't that a bit harsh, honey?" He asked.

The new wife looked at her new husband and said "that's one." And they haven't fought since!

Calibre44
August 13, 2012, 04:55 PM
She walked into the room twirling a pair of 44s ....






and in her hand she had a gun.:)

WardenWolf
August 13, 2012, 06:45 PM
Only AK owners will get this:



What does the cartridge say to the AK?

"Kiss my brass!"






FYI:
It refers to the dent the AK puts in ejected cartridges, often called the "AK kiss".

tpaw
August 13, 2012, 09:24 PM
:barf:

No-ladder
August 13, 2012, 10:55 PM
So a guy new to hunting walks into the gun store. He asks the salesman what rifle he recommends for hunting bear. The salesman says that the 30-30 would be the best and that 30-30's have been used by more hunters than any other caliber.
The new hunter takes position behind a tree, and soon a bear appears. He shoulders his 30-30, pulls the trigger and bang, then a puff of smoke! Once the smoke clears he sees no sign of the bear. He feels a tap on the shoulder and standing behind him is the bear! The bear says " hey mister you trying to kill me"? The bear bends the hunter over a log and "makes him squeel like a pig".

The next day the hunter is back at the gun store explaining that the 30-30 was no good and did not kill the bear. He asks for a more powerful rifle. The salesman shows him a 338 lapua explaining that this would surely take any animal in North America!


Next day the hunter takes position behind a tree, and soon the same bear appears. He shoulders his 338 lapua, pulls the trigger and bang, then a puff of smoke! Once the smoke clears he sees no sign of the bear. He feels a tap on the shoulder and standing behind him is the bear! The bear says " hey mister you trying to kill me again"? The bear bends the hunter over a log and "makes him squeel like two pigs".

The following week the hunter is back at the gun store explaining that the 338 lapua was no good, and did not kill the bear. He asks for a more powerful rifle. The salesman shows him a 50 caliber Barrett explaining that this would surely take any animal in World!

Next day the hunter takes position behind a tree, and soon the same bear appears. He shoulders his 50 caliber Barrett pulls the trigger and wham!, then a puff of smoke! Once the smoke clears he sees no sign of the bear. He feels a tap on the shoulder and standing behind him is the bear!
The bear says " hey mister I get the feeling you are not out here for the hunting!

walk soft
August 13, 2012, 11:09 PM
Not gun related but or a pun but:

A cat went to cross some railroad tracks.When he was almost across he felt a sharp pain in the tip of his tail,when he turned to react the train wheel cut off his head.
Moral: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

My dad told me that when I was in High School.He could sense that I was down in the dumps over a girl.

Justin
August 13, 2012, 11:29 PM
"The pun is the lowest form of humor."

-Samuel Johnson (Reputedly)

Also, most of these are off-topic.

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