Hello, All. I am an author of a soon to be published book, and while I am a gun owner and NRA lifer, and was a "shooter" back in the day, I am writing about guns and weapons use and want to make sure I get things EXACTLY right in those small details. I want to start a new standard in print in this regard, so I figured asking you guys for a beta read might be helpful.
You can find the parts of my free story posted online here:
If you could post comments here on THR, and not on my blog, I would appreciate it. Thanks for your time!
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May 7, 2012, 10:59 AM
Part 1, paragraph 3:
After a few steps he felt more then heard his son come out behind him
Part 3, paragraph 1:
Ed was tucked in tight behind the carbine as he entered the service door to the Waffle House, his body leaning forward aggressively, body taut but balanced, and he moved fluidly with a preternatural focus that came from many violent encounters.
Part 4, paragraph 1:
Will signaled to Ed that he’d found the women, and the *two both* smiled briefly at each other.
Either remove "both", or instead say, "...and they each smiled briefly at each other."
Part 4, paragraph 5:
The cook dropped low behind the counter too, putting the two of them out of Ed’s line of sight.
Part 4, paragraph 6:
Ed felt more then heard the crash of the shotgun as it blasted down the lane behind the counter from Will’s position in the store room doorway
He felt more what?
Now I have to go prepare for a final, but I will read into a little more detail later when I have more time. (And I did not get to parts 5 and 6)
May 7, 2012, 11:49 PM
I think the OP was looking more for firearm related details rather than a proof read.
May 7, 2012, 11:53 PM
I think the OP was looking more for firearm related details rather than a proof read
I was looking for firearm related errors, but what I found instead was that these errors were much more glaring. Part about getting to small details is that you have to fix the bigger ones or the smaller ones will be less apparent.
May 7, 2012, 11:57 PM
While I sincerely appreciate the effort, it will get a heavy editing, but I'm not here for that. I'm more interested in you guys commenting on firearms than on grammar.
Tim the student
May 8, 2012, 03:14 AM
I skimmed over a couple pages, and didn't even read those over a few times like I should to be able to give you great feedback.
I didn't think you got too many things wrong necessarily, but I don't think you were very detail oriented.
A couple things jumped out at me though:
Part 1 - Mag pouch, not mag case. That is what we called them in the Army at least... If for the guy (the son, I think) carrying a shotgun, why a mag case? He has a pump gun, of which I have to assume has a tubular magazine... What kind of pump? An 870? If they are going to have all that crap on a belt, why not give them an old surplus LCE? Maybe they could put whatever is in their pack into a butt pack?
Part 2 - What kind of rifle did she have? How about a Colt 6940 with a pink stock with a rail mounted Surefire with a pressure switch? Or she could tape it to the stock, not the muzzle.
Respectfully, you have a long way to go before you can top Stephen Hunter in the gun geek appeasement department, IMO. One of our own here (Larry Correia) wrote a series called Monster Hunter International. I haven't read the MHI stuff yet, but it was written for gun guys, by a gun guy, so I bet his stuff is pretty good in that department. Check out some of their stuff. I myself really enjoy how SH works in the gun details. You can tell he knows about guns, but he isn't smothering the reader in details either, IMO. I enjoyed the part of your story that I read, but I'd like to see the guns written about in a way similar to the SH style.
Good luck with your book. Please let us know when it is published.
May 8, 2012, 08:43 AM
Thanks, Tim. I agree -- both Hunter and Correia are great. They are just so rare. I really appreciate the feedback. I want to provide details without, as you say, "smothering" the reader. The focus is the action and the characters, not the guns. But as you say, details do matter. That's valuable feedback! Anyone notice any errors with gun handling?
May 14, 2012, 11:15 AM
Here's the Prologue, Part 2:
May 23, 2012, 02:47 PM
May 23, 2012, 03:27 PM
Part 4 gun related: ...packed with food and medicines, even ammunition for his guns.
Is there more gun related stuff in other sections?
May 23, 2012, 03:31 PM
Parts 3-4 of the story, not the prologue, have the most. Those parts are: