[Trent]

OK, I'm trying to unravel a 10 year old issue with my wife here, and soliciting advice.

Let me preface this by saying that my wife is a wonderful person, and I couldn't imagine a better person for spending my life with.

But we haven't ever seen eye-to-eye on the gun thing.

She doesn't ever really complain about my firearms, except when I don't clean up after myself. But she's always shown zero interest in firearms, shooting, etc. It bothers me a little, because I'd really like for her to be able to effectively use them to defend herself if I'm away. But she has almost zero practice (she's fired maybe 10 rounds of ammo since we've been together), never accepts my invitations to go to the shooting range, never expresses an interest in any conversations about guns, etc.

We were having a (rare) conversation about guns late last night, and I think I finally gained some insight in to the root issue. She made an offhanded comment during our talk about "you know why I don't like guns, they're so confusing! I mean, you have a Glock, right? Why can't people call it "Glock ammo" or whatever, instead of something point something something, or whatever caliber. That makes no sense to me. I mean, these things should be color coded or something. I shouldn't have to wonder what ammo goes with this gun, or know that this one takes seven point six two something rather, or what magazine fits with what gun."

BINGO.

She doesn't know anything, is afraid to ask for fear of looking "dumb" about it.

I said "we can solve this problem by learning about one gun at a time. You don't have to learn everything in a day."

But, she was non-committal.

Now, before I run around today with colored-dot-stick-ons to put on all the guns, magazines, and ammo for her... :)

... Would appreciate some input.

Any of you ever been in a similar situation where a person is against doing something because they are afraid of appearing "stupid" about the topic? (She's not stupid, obviously, far from it. I think she just doesn't want to appear stupid about something.)

I realize that this is all probably pretty intimidating for her, and my own personality quirks probably doesn't go a long way towards helping this along.

I'd love to turn this problem around and (gradually) get my wife more involved with firearms. Her organizational skills would prove invaluable in the hobby. (I often forget I've already bought something and buy more when it's not needed; powder, primers, magazines, whatever....)

Anyway, hope I can get some advice here.

[Jorg]

Have you considered that she might just not give a damn about your gun hobby and simply doesn't care to learn? If someone is truly interested in something, that person will take the time to learn about it and figure out the nuances. If not, there will be plenty of excuses why they aren't into it.

[berettaprofessor]

Bingo, Jorg has it. Why, pray tell, are you insistent on forcing your hobbies on your wife?

Mine uses Facebook, I don't. Mine watches cooking shows incessantly, I don't. Mine likes the Kardashians. I just feel sorry for Bruce Jenner.

You have your hobbbies, she has hers. They don't always have to coincide. Trust me, I'm past 30 years of marriage and haven't been tossed out yet.

[Steel Horse Rider]

I started my wife on a Ruger 10/22. Simple point and shoot technology and you can have instant gratification when things jump, clang, or fall at a 25 yard range. If she is interested once she masters the concept then you can move into calibers and other variables. Maybe a simple explanation using the automobile industry as an example might help. All Fords are not pickup trucks, all Chryslers are not sedans, and they all use different size tires might be a place to start.....

[MarshallDodge]

Get her in touch with other ladies that like to shoot.

My wife was not real interested in guns until about 12 years ago. She would go with me shooting and enjoyed it but wasn't really excited about it. One day she found a flyer at the gun shop that a ladies shooting group had left. She attended one of their events and jumped in with both feet.

The NRA Women on Target program is a good way to get ladies into the sport.

[mg.mikael]

Have to agree with Jorg on this one, it seems your wife simply isn't interested in guns and your firearm interests in general. I'm sure your not interested in your wife's designer shoes and purses, would you want her pressuring you to go to more clothing stores and learning about different designer labels? Probably not... so why would you want to pressure her into going to the range or joining a woman's shooting club.

As for what your wife said, "I shouldn't have to wonder what ammo goes with this gun," that's true, one shouldn't wonder if you take the time to learn. If you take the time to learn, your wife will realize that calling ammo for a Glock, "Glock ammo" would be like calling batteries for a tv remote, "remote batteries." Simply said that's illogical, because there is different ammo just as there are different batteries. Basically what I'm trying to say is your wife simply doesn't want to learn.....would something change her mind, I don't have an answer for that, unfortunately most people don't change their mind until after something bad happens and that's the last thing anyone wants.

[TurtlePhish]

My girlfriend was afraid to come to the range for her first time shooting because she thought she'd get judged for not knowing anything about guns. The solution was teaching her little bits here and there and finally getting her to actually come to the range. She fired some .22lr, 5.45x39, 7.62x54r, and .17HMR and was hooked. She's actually done a bit of learning on her own now. I'm proud of her. :)

Trent, I suggest you just get her to try it out, teach her a little bit, etc. If she's afraid of ammo/gun confusion, start her with several .22s or something. That way there's no way she'll mix anything up. Everything always starts with the first small step.

[Trent]

There's no doubt she doesn't have an interest in guns.

I'm not trying to turn her in to the Tomb Raider, or the character Reba McEntire played in the movie Tremors.

I just want her to become proficient enough to defend herself in my absence, and know enough about the firearms to safely handle guns in my absence if it were required.

When I say she has no interest in firearms, I'm talking zero.

She has no idea how to load, check, or clear a firearm to see if it's safe. She wouldn't even know how to operate the safety of any of the handguns here. (Both of which are inherently dangerous, IMO)

(My 15 year old knows how to safely handle, load, unload, etc - but he's only going to be around for a few more years before going off to university).

[Fremmer]

Use the chance to get outside and have fun with a .22 lr. If she has fun hitting reactive targets, that's good enough!

[TurtlePhish]

Oh. Well, that changes things.

Explain to her the importance of basic proficiency, even if there isn't interest.

Show her some examples of robberies, etc. that could have been stopped with a firearm, along with some that HAVE been stopped with firearms.

Fear tactics may seem kind of low, but that's really the most basic way to show the why of needing to be able to operate firearms.

[Trent]

OK still working on this.

"Why don't you like going shooting?"

"Very ---- boring. And I'm a girl, so anyone else there will stop and watch because I'm a girl."

"What if you went shooting with girls?"

"NO that's worse. Girls are competitive and make fun of you for years."

[MedWheeler]

If she's not interested in browsing the reading material (some of which is downright humorous and would probably at least pique some curiosity) at cornercat.com, then there isn't much else you're gonna ever be able to do.

I'd skip the "fear tactics", but would still casually mention news stories from time to time in which successful firearms-defenses occur, just not while the conversation is already on guns.

[TurtlePhish]

Hrm. Don't know how you can fix "boring". Any idea what about it bores her?

[Trent]

"What if we shot at something besides paper, reactive targets?"

"That depends. If I can't hit what I aim at and there's no reaction then I'll get frustrated and 'not-so-nice-Jami' will appear"

So that's a maybe....

[mg.mikael]

Fear tactics may seem kind of low, but that's really the most basic way to show the why of needing to be able to operate firearms.

Personally, I don't quite agree with that. Tying to scare your wife and/or putting fear into her isn't going to suddenly spark her interest in learning basic gun handling. It might even lead to more reluctance with regards to her learning about using a gun for self-defense.

Let's face it if she didn't want to learn how to handle a gun when your kid was 5, why would she want to learn gun handling now that your kid is 15 and can handle a gun by themselves.

[hso]

The guns probably aren't the problem, but your yammering about them so much probably is.

Anyone that isn't interested in a hobby finds folks "too" into it tiresome to the point of wrecking any aspect of it.

You should simply accept she isn't interested, swear to get your obsession out of her face, and ask if she'd at least take a basic firearm safety class from a professional so you're more comfortable with her being able to use a particular firearm safely to protect herself. Promis to not go with her, quiz her, or ask her to go to the range...and to quit boring/annoying her with your "mistress".

[Trent]

HSO, I read your post to her out loud just now.

She says "I find it funny I've been telling you that exact thing for years and it takes a stranger for you to believe what I've been saying"

Unfortunately I think HSO hit the nail squarely on the head.

[jerinco]

i feel your pain. my wife never showed any interest in guns for about 12yrs of us being together. one day we went out to a gun shop and she started looking at all the pretty pink pistols. so i had her hold some of them she didnt like the way any of them felt. finally she tried a walther p22 and like the way it felt so i bought it. when we got home i started showing her how it worked. how to clean it, how to load it. basiclly any thing i could think of. we went out in our back yard and shot some rounds through it. at first she said it was just ok. every now and then i would ask if she wanted to shoot it. some times she would other times it was a no. this went on for about a yr. really long story short she loves shooting now and has her own xd 9mm and enjoys shooting pistols and rifles now im working on getting her out hunting with me. oh by the way i also bought her a bow some time after i got the walther. she started her bow a lot then came her intrest in guns. it was a long process for me and sounds like your in the same boat i was in. GOOD LUCK. Its all up to her though, she has to be willing to give it an honest try and who knows she might begin to enjoy it or maybe not.

[WNTFW]

Trent,
Maybe your wife just know herself. She knows what she likes & doesn't.

Think about when someone tries to tell you will like something you know you just aren't into. Know really you will like dance lessons, a cruise, casino, or what ever.

[Trent]

Dang I just got unloaded on! :)

"And I can understand that you want experience shooting in extreme weather but it shouldn't be every time; you only want to go shooting when it's 100+ degrees out or snowing or raining or sleeting with the wind blowing 40 miles an hour in subzero temperatures ..."

"you never just want to go shooting when it's 75 and comfortable..."

[OptimusPrime]

Trent, I had that exact same problem with my lady. Worse, she had been exposed to some bad experiences (alcoholic father with threats) and I was afraid that she wouldn't be able to overcome that, or even if I should try.

HSO's advice is spot on.

What I did was I bought her an hour's worth of instruction from a range safety officer as a Christmas present. What I learned accidentally was that my wife was just sick of MY way of explaining things. I dropped her off at the range with her little gift certificate and I came back an hour later. She had a target to show me and proceeded to yap my ear off about how he taught her this, and that, and went slow, and explained so nicely, blah-blah. (nothing different than I had tried to tell her, but it was me saying it so she was sick of hearing it. I don't know, I think I have a pleasant voice....:) )

So I learned 3 things:
1- Having a different person explains things is a good approach and makes some people listen better and more receptively.
2- I also learned that my wife, with her bad experiences, really liked the idea of mechanical safeties on a pistol. I realized that I had been pushing a revolver exclusively for ease of use (no safeties, easy right?). But it was the safeties and the act of having a mechanical obstacle that made it more comfortable for her. Huh.
3- If you ever get an hour of range time for your wife as a Christmas present, make sure that you offset that with something remarkably feminine like jewelry or flowers. I didn't have a brain back then and I spent a lot on the range time, so I thought that would suffice as her "big present." Nope. She still makes fun of me for that one.

So good luck; I'd recommend the hour of range time from someone who she doesn't know. I'd say it worked great and she is now comfortable, which was my goal. Now, my wife carries every day.

[Lucifer_Sam]

Just make a deal with her. If she'll learn the basics of a revolver, you'll do something for her that she wants. Take her to a nice place, do some landscaping, something like that.

[Trent]

"and you don't let me just have fun you run your mouth about 'hold it this way' or 'do this' or 'do that' and it strips all of the fun out of it"

"that it's a bit hurtful that you can't remember that I used to go shooting with you all the time and stopped when we had Raven because your mouth got in the way, you started taking it all way too serious..."

Oh the hole I've dug myself here...

[Trent]

"and if I ask questions about it you get all cranky about it because you know it all and assume everyone else should know it all too"

This is quickly devolving. I've been quiet and she just keeps unloading on me.

SEND BACKUP! Lol she's in a rare state now.

[Trent]

OK Deal struck.

Lucifer Sam had the winning strategy.

Every hour of house work (or errands like shopping) I do for her, she'll go to the range to receive training with me.

I have to do the house work in advance, and if I incur a debt (more time at the range than I've "paid" for with house work), I have to make up the debt plus earn more "range time" with her prior to the next range trip.

[Trent]

Oh and Lucifer ... don't know where you popped out of the woodwork from but your name is appropriate here.

The house work I do has to be supervised by her and she picks the work I do.

Looks like I'll be scrubbing toilets and changing litter boxes.

Dude.. thanks for the help, but this kind of sucks. Feel like I made a deal with the devil here. :)

[happygeek]

She made an offhanded comment during our talk about "you know why I don't like guns, they're so confusing! I mean, you have a Glock, right? Why can't people call it "Glock ammo" or whatever, instead of something point something something, or whatever caliber. That makes no sense to me. I mean, these things should be color coded or something. I shouldn't have to wonder what ammo goes with this gun, or know that this one takes seven point six two something rather, or what magazine fits with what gun."


Don't have that problem if you learn about guns from the Army. It's pretty obvious what mags & ammo go to a M9 vs a M16/M4, though I have seen a cadre member at The Home of the Signal put M249 blank ammo in a M240 ...

I also agree with Jorg.

[Trent]

"I'm not going to single something out that I wouldn't or don't already do. When you do laundry you have to touch other people's dirty underwear, when you scrub a toilet you have to bend over where people take their dumps, mopping floors where your big dumb dog took a crap, vacuuming you have to empty the thing and touch all the animal and people hair, doing dishes where other people's dirty food has to get scraped off the plate...."

"...and NO You cannot use the damn electric drill with the bottle brush on the dishes ever again because last time there were soap suds and food crap stuck on the ceiling"

She went on for about 15 minutes here, I type fast but couldn't keep up.

[Lucifer_Sam]

Glad to be of service. This was a funny thread.

EDIT--The name is from a Pink Floyd song. Which I guess is completely inappropriate for a gun forum...

[Dnaltrop]

The missus grew up in NE Portland in one of the worse neighborhoods before the Hippies moved in (gunfire all night), It took years to get my wife shooting, and even after I got her basically comfortable with a Model 10 she still rarely "wanted" to go shooting, but enjoyed it (and was quite good from the start) when she did tag along.

Having someone track our old house down because of her insurance work got her more interested, as did having an indoor range to practice at, (specifically at times with nobody else around to make her self-conscious)

Now she's the one who starts getting antsy if we don't make the trip often enough.

Of course, the influences in her world view differ from ours, and I wouldn't recommend having a murderous doctor-shopping, pill selling, Oxycodone addict with a bat and a can of gas show up to your house to convince her, but sometimes it's just an argument you can't win until it's almost too late.

My 10 year old daughter can safely handle even my large frame revolvers, just not the full-power loads ;)

[coolluke01]

A little bit of knowledge is intriguing. I complement my wife and show a little surprise if she reveals a little gun knowledge or interest. This helps start a positive circle.
Things that are technical are often intimidating for some women. They wan't things color coded. Don't push the technical aspect of firearms. She really isn't interested.

I took my wife on a few shooting dates. We wen't the the steel action match and she did really well. Make sure and take a video so you can watch it later. It's a good way to remind her of how much fun it was at a later date.

A pretty Nickel .22 or pink LCP might be a good way to get her to shoot if she shows a little interest. Christmas present? However, my wife said "You're not going to get me a gun for Christmas are you?" There goes that idea...

[Trent]

Looks like I'm going to be getting real acquainted with my wife's "day job".

She's already making a list.

I'm beginning to wonder if she had planned this all along and has just been waiting for the right time to spring her devious trap on me.

[hso]

"I find it funny I've been telling you that exact thing for years and it takes a stranger for you to believe what I've been saying"

A consultant is someone you bring in to analyze your work to tell you what your staff have already been trying to get you to see.

I've been a safety consultant for over 20 years. I'm good at "reading" situations with very little information, but this situation is so common that there's little need for analysis. So common, in fact, that I've been guilty of it.

My wife has an interest in shooting and firearms and took courses with me and without me and has her collection of firearms, but my rampant enthusiasm overshadowed it at one point so badly that her interest retreated somewhat. I learned to keep my mouth shut and not babble on about it and her annoyance disappeared. Now she wants his and her's suppressors for our 20th anniversary (7.62 for her and 5.56 for me).

"And I can understand that you want experience shooting in extreme weather but it shouldn't be every time; you only want to go shooting when it's 100+ degrees out or snowing or raining or sleeting with the wind blowing 40 miles an hour in subzero temperatures ..."

"you never just want to go shooting when it's 75 and comfortable..."
She just said, "Since you're starting to hear me for a change, if you'd just make it pleasant for me instead of wanting to make it a "GI Jane" experience or condescending as if I were a halfwitted wimp I might have wanted to go".

"and you don't let me just have fun you run your mouth about 'hold it this way' or 'do this' or 'do that' and it strips all of the fun out of it"

"that it's a bit hurtful that you can't remember that I used to go shooting with you all the time and stopped when we had Raven because your mouth got in the way, you started taking it all way too serious..."

You better open your mind to what she's saying and recognize what a jerk you've been and repent and reform. Sounds like you have a lot of fences to mend. You don't mend them by bartering or trading or groveling dishonestly. You had better acknowledge she has a right to be disgusted with your behavior, ask her forgiveness and ask what you can do (and not do) to make shooting fun for her. Not everyone who wants a nice stroll in the park wants to be dragged to K2 or hear about it constantly.

she'll go to the range to receive training with me

You're not paying attention. You absolutely need to facilitate HER going to the range WITHOUT you until she finally, if ever, asks you to come along. You've already shown you've behaved like a jerk about this in her eyes and the last thing for you to do is just assume that your chewing out is sufficient for you to have your way. She's equating range time with you to cleaning toilets. You have a long way to go to make up for your sins in this.

Ask her to read Kathy's website at corneredcat.com, offer to pay for local classes/training to whatever extent she likes (including her going to a course somewhere) and then leave her alone and keep quiet until she wants to talk to you about shooting. When she's ready to take you to the range is when the two of you should go together. If she never asks, be glad that you learned a lesson, if you did.

[Jorg]

It's pretty telling that the quid pro quo isn't her sharing something that she likes with you, but merely trading something she dislikes for another thing she dislikes.

[WNTFW]

Trent,
Why don't you ask her how she really feels? :evil:

[Lucifer_Sam]

Well, its my view that operating a revolver and basic gun safety are good things to know, especially when living with an enthusiast, so making a deal might not be ideal, but it does get something important done. And it does definitely sound like she likes getting her husband to do her chores.

But I'd agree it would be a good idea to listen to the points she made about what she didn't like about going to the range in the past, or maybe getting her to take a class with an instructor so there's not any prior baggage. At the very least it might get Trent out of some chores... :evil:

[smalls]

Every hour of house work (or errands like shopping) I do for her, she'll go to the range to receive training with me.

Trent, from the quotes from your wife, this seems to be your problem.

Pay for professional training. Still have fun and plink together, but be quiet while doing so.

[coolluke01]

If you are having a hard time instructing because of past history or training style, try bringing her to a fun shoot at a range. If the R.O's are anything like those at my range they will give her good tips and instruction. When I took my wife, one of them had a 2nd gun for her to use and helped her learn a few things. Watch out, your machismo will have to take a back seat! Allowing another guy to show your wife how to do things is humbling but can be helpful. Your wife's defenses won't be up and she will have the best opportunity to learn from someone else.

[Steve CT]

My wife has tolerated the guns and shooting, and sometimes questioned the cost of guns and ammunition. Our son is a much more involved shooter than I, and that has caused her to be a little more comfortable with it.

Late last year she (completely unknown to me) took her NRA Basic Pistol class as the first step in getting her Carry Permit. She now "owns" an SR22 and enjoys shooting with me at the local club.

AND she has been OK with me using some space in a spare bedroom to set up a reloading area and buys me reloading supplies for Christmas, birthday, etc.

All that being said, I'm still not going to learn to knit, which is her hobby/pastime. But I'm OK with her knitting while I reload.

[tnelson31]

>and to quit boring/annoying her with your "mistress"
For what it is worth I love hearing about your "mistress"(es), and am quite jealous.

[Trent]

Oh I don't mind doing the chores.

Over the last two hours as my conversation with her has ebbed and flowed, I think the major disconnect we have relates around that very thing. The deeper issue that I've uncovered is this: in her eyes, I go to work, come home, and "play with my toys" or watch TV or whatever, and don't help out enough (truth be told, I do work 60+ hours a week every week, sometimes as much as 80 if there's a big project underway, and I don't shoulder enough load at home, either because I'm drained of all energy or at my stress limit).

Meanwhile, she maintains a house of 8 people and is working, off and on, from sunup to sundown. The kids offload a little of this but they aren't up to her standards on certain things and she doesn't let them do much. Laundry = pink socks, dishes = dog would do it better than the kids, cleaning = she's OCD and there's no way they'll be up to her standards, and so on. The short is offloading chores to kids just adds to her stress instead of alleviating it.

Redistributing some of the load on to my shoulders will take some of the stress off her, which should improve her mood and (hopefully) help alleviate some of the ugly perception she seems to have of my hobbies. Her dis-taste of my hobbies, from what I have inferred through casual inquiry, seem to rank precisely to how much interest I show in them. So she dislikes guns the most; followed by gardening; followed by music (acoustic guitar); and so on.

What I've learned is the more I like something, the more she dislikes it. This speaks profoundly of a more serious issue than just "not liking gun stuff." The disconnect here is a lot larger than I'd understood before today.

Wish this "life" stuff were easier.

[michaelbsc]

... Pay for professional training. Still have fun and plink together, but be quiet while doing so.

I think this quote is good, not just for our wives, but for ourselves as well. I know I'm too close to my wife to be a good trainer. But the same is true for myself about me.

Even in our own professions we benefit from skilled outside observation. Almost all professional licensees in any field are required to earn CEUs yearly to maintain credentials, even if they are recognized as a leader in their field.

Even if you are a professional firearms instructor (I'm not; not even close) get someone else to look at what you're doing. It's just smart.

[Krogen]

Trent, Go get yourself a book titled "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Spend some time reading it before you go back to the range or ask here to go shooting with you. Seriously. I'm reading it right now. Too bad I didn't read it ages ago. It might just explain to you what she's really saying when she says she dislikes guns.

[Trent]

Thinking more on this.

She doesn't like my hobbies in the order of the mess they make. She just pointed out that I have gun stuff in two corners of the the living room (cleaning supplies, range bag, toolbox), a tripod still set up from when I was messing with it with my son the night before last upstairs, my hunting crossbow leaning against the living room TV stand (deer season still on us, keeping it handy in case I spot a good one out the kitchen window), empty shell casings in a hat on the kitchen table... etc

She don't like guns because she's spent the last dozen years picking up my "gun stuff." Having to move my heavy range bag to vacuum. Etc, etc.

The shooting thing she says she doesn't have as much of a problem with. She got in a side conversation with my son on it while I was reading. My 15 year old son overheard us and said "The first few times dad took me he was a real pain in the butt, but once I learned how to do it, he just leaves me alone and lets me do my thing. If I want to shoot something, I get it out of the bag, and shoot it. Now we have a blast every time we go to the range, especially when I out-shoot all his friends and other random old guys."

The "chores for range time" thing seems to be revenge for giving her all the extra work over the years. OK, I can pay penance. :)

And I'll keep my messes cleaned up.

And my big mouth shut.

And we'll see how it goes.

[Sav .250]

You would like her to get involved but I`ve never seen a round peg squeeze into a square hole. If she doesn`t want to get involved for what ever reason move on.
You mentioned this has been on going for 10 years............ She lets you enjoy your guns so there`s no problem there. Let it go............
Not everybody likes/wants guns. That`s a given. Take her out more often and enjoy what you have together ......Get off the gun conversation with her. J s/n.

[Serenity]

As a woman with a den full of '70 mustang interior parts; clean up after your hobby. I love cars and I LOVE the Mustang but I find myself resenting it when I have to look at its guts strewn all over my house.

Also, give her a training class without you there. For all the reasons above. Send a daughter or two with her.

[Trent]

Even in our own professions we benefit from skilled outside observation. Almost all professional licensees in any field are required to earn CEUs yearly to maintain credentials, even if they are recognized as a leader in their field.

Even if you are a professional firearms instructor (I'm not; not even close) get someone else to look at what you're doing. It's just smart.

There's been a lot of great feedback on this thread, there's a lot to be said about this. In my professional career I'm self-taught, but I spend at least 20 hours a week learning, researching, and "staying current." (Tech moves REAL fast, and if you don't do this, you'll become a dinosaur). That being said, I've never seen the benefit of certifications, or professional review. You either know it and can apply what you know, or don't. I've seen (in my industry) FAR too many people littered in certifications that didn't know jack squat about how to apply those skills effectively. "I'm an Eye-Tee Proh-Fesh-Uh-Nal" ... reminds me of the agent who shot himself in the leg in front of the school kids; a predictable outcome comes from ignorance.

This being said, you can't "solo" your way through martial arts of any form - you MUST have at least some form of peer review, outside observation, and feedback. There's always room for improvement. 18 years I've spent researching firearms, and have an encyclopedic knowledge of designs, specifications, strategies and tactics, and yet I still find myself learning more. Every single day I spend reading here and other sources, I learn more. Every time I go to the range, I learn something new.

There's multiple learning curves here - and on each, we're all on the same curve here - some at different points than others. I don't know diddly squat about black powder arms, very little about shotguns, etc. But I know quite a bit about other things. And in each of those other fields where I know more than most, there's people that know more than me. (This is true in my day job, too).

I'm not asking my wife to learn know how to detail strip a belt fed rifle or learn how to reload so she can start producing ammunition for the household down in the basement. Not asking her to learn to stalk game or study exterior ballistics to know what maximum point blank range is for a given projectile at a given velocity.

But I need her to be able to put a handgun bullet in an assailant, how to clear stoppages, how not to "freeze" if she's in trouble, and other useful skills; if something happens to me, or I'm not here to protect her and the kids. Robberies and other crimes are remarkably up - there's been too many bad things happening in this area lately. Even my cavalier son don't like going outside after dark anymore. There's been 15 heroin overdoses in this little rural county this year. Two houses nearby have been robbed SPECIFICALLY for their guns - by armed intruders. And so on, and so forth.

The world isn't getting any safer - if it were, I probably wouldn't even BE concerned - it was never an issue in the past.

But lately; I get nervous every time I leave. I'm afraid I'll come home from work one day and find my worst fears came true.

[Trent]

As a woman with a den full of '70 mustang interior parts; clean up after your hobby. I love cars and I LOVE the Mustang but I find myself resenting it when I have to look at its guts strewn all over my house.

Also, give her a training class without you there. For all the reasons above. Send a daughter or two with her.

Yeah this is something I definitely need to correct. Same thing happened back when I was racing motorcycles. It was all fun and games and she was "all in" until I had swingarms and sprockets in the main livingroom, a stack of tires in the corner of the upstairs livingroom to keep the rubber from drying out over the winter in the cold garage... etc.

Speaking of.. while she's off with the girls at horse riding lessons, I'm off to clean up my gun crap. Be back in a bit.

[smalls]

Wish this "life" stuff were easier.

Don't we all!

FWIW, if I had as much gun stuff lying around the house as you do, my wife would pick it all up for me. And then proceed to chuck it all on the front lawn. Along with a suitcase full of clothes. ;)

[hso]

If you're hobby is making a mess of the place how can you expect the person responsible for trying to keep the place looking like a home instead of an overflowing adolescent's bedroom to like your hobby or you for that matter? How can your kids respect her instructions to keep their junk up if you don't? Perhaps that's the reason the kids can't be taught how to act like responsible adults if the biggest "kid" in the house doesn't pick up after himself. Your work providing the means to feed, house, and care for your family might be used as an excuse for having your wife serve as a surrogate mommy, but it sure doesn't fit the supposedly enlightened male role these days.

Sounds like you need to spend some money on an addition for your hobby (like we did).

[AFDavis11]

My wife wasn't too interested in guns until I started referring to the gun she liked the most as "hers". She will ask about the right bullets and grips, but only speak about her gun. Anytime I trade in a gun, she says " not mine, I assume". She goes shooting with me twice a year.

[tarosean]

She has no idea how to load, check, or clear a firearm to see if it's safe. She wouldn't even know how to operate the safety of any of the handguns here.

I can only tell you that mine doesn't feel comfortable with semi-autos, due to the multiple tasks needed. She prefers her revolvers for simplicity.

[oneounceload]

If you're hobby is making a mess of the place how can you expect the person responsible for trying to keep the place looking like a home instead of an overflowing adolescent's bedroom to like your hobby or you for that matter? How can your kids respect her instructions to keep their junk up if you don't? Perhaps that's the reason the kids can't be taught how to act like responsible adults if the biggest "kid" in the house doesn't pick up after himself. Your work providing the means to feed, house, and care for your family might be used as an excuse for having your wife serve as a surrogate mommy, but it sure doesn't fit the supposedly enlightened male role these days.

Sounds like you need to spend some money on an addition for your hobby (like we did).

Along with this sage advice, remember

"If momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy"

You need to step it up, stop trying to change her and be happy she isn't totally pissed about your hobby

We see it all the time - a man marries a woman hoping she will never change and a woman marries a man hoping she can change him - and therein lies the conflict. If she doesn't totally accept your hobby, why are you trying to force a round peg in a square hole? That will just tick her off even more. Go low key, don't mess up HER house, don't use the dishwasher or washing machine for ANYTHING gun related, keep the smells, mess, etc out of the house

After a nice LONG respite from the mess, etc. THEN start to see if she might like to try it - but if she resists - STOP RIGHT THEN and do not push it further - self defense or whatever be damned

[Trent]

If you're hobby is making a mess of the place how can you expect the person responsible for trying to keep the place looking like a home instead of an overflowing adolescent's bedroom to like your hobby or you for that matter? How can your kids respect her instructions to keep their junk up if you don't? Perhaps that's the reason the kids can't be taught how to act like responsible adults if the biggest "kid" in the house doesn't pick up after himself. Your work providing the means to feed, house, and care for your family might be used as an excuse for having your wife serve as a surrogate mommy, but it sure doesn't fit the supposedly enlightened male role these days.

Sounds like you need to spend some money on an addition for your hobby (like we did).

Jeez HSO, quite a little scathing rebuke you spewed out there. I'm really starting to get the impression from our recent interactions that you don't like me very much.

I came here for advice, not insults. And you want to talk about setting an example for people to follow.... jeesh.

[coolluke01]

I also thought it was a little rough. But he is right. You have been very upfront and vulnerable by bringing this up here. That's commendable.

You should realize that there is a root problem here, her dislike of guns is just a manifestation of the root issue. But I think you see that. You're on the right track. Good luck.

[Trent]

A little rough?

We discussed the issues civilly, I put thought in to what factors (plural) were contributing to the issue, took feedback, admitted I had to change, and acted on those changes.

THEN, after all of this, I get drug through the mud and slapped in the face by a moderator on a board whose existence is to exemplify taking "the high road."

Speaking of the High Road, I have nothing else remaining to say about this issue and will take my leave. I got the answers I was looking for, and appreciate all the help you folks provided today.

[Ala Dan]

My late wife didn't mind me owning firearms; just so I had a means too pay
for them, and did not take away from the family budget. Nowdays, without
her income, I have slowed down considerably~! :( :uhoh:

[larryh1108]

I think this thread/topic may have really helped your marriage, as a whole. Believe me when I tell you it's nice to hear about some things from the mouth of your spouse instead of an attorney. Men and women, both, are guilty of hearing but not listening. Unfortunately, we figure our spouse knows "how to read between the lines". By wishing your wife would learn to shoot you opened up some healthy dialogue that can go a long way in rekindling a marriage. If nothing else, your wife got to share feeling she may have been hinting at for years. Actually hearing and listening to your mate goes a long way in truly understanding who they are and what they need to be happy. Listening to what your spouse really says is probably the best way to keep a happy home. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

[JTHunter]

Trent - that "plan" sounds like a good one. For you wife's sake, I hope she enjoys herself!

When my mother (a tomboy) was a child, her dad tried to get her to learn to shoot, to no avail. But, because of her smaller fingers, he had her help clean the pistol as she could get in the tight areas better. Unfortunately, this left her with a pronounced dislike for the smell of Hoppe's #9 (or whatever).

Fast forward to ~10 years ago. She's in her early 70's and realizes that her husband isn't going to be of any help and she asks my help to learn. I started her with a Ruger Single Six in .22LR/Mag. She did pretty good shooting at a spinner target I have as well as an old fire alarm bell (dome-type) so we tried her with my .380. Not so good, esp. when we find she can't rack the slide, so we start shopping in ernest.

We ended up getting her an SP101 in .38 Spec. and she does fairly well with it. I also came across a Marlin Mod. 60/Glenfield (?) and she has done quite well with it. She likes to shoot it at the "stinkpot" turtles and muskrats around her small lake and has even gotten a snake that was swimming by - this from a second story deck!

So, give her a chance! Start small and let her take it at her pace.
Good luck!

[JAshley73]

Trent, I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but have you considered downsizing your hobby some, and spending some of that money/equipment/time on, and with your wife?

I don't think your wife has a problem with guns, so much as your marriage is being stressed by everything going on in your lives... (It sounds like you both recognize that.)

If you really are that busy, why not hang up the crossbow, and forget about bagging a deer this year. Sell off a gun or two, and use some of that to get your wife some flowers and a day at the spa. The next gun you should purchase (after some time...) should be the one of her choosing, and so on. Your wife needs to see that you she is more important than your hobbies. Your kids need to see you make that commitment to her as well. It definitely sounds like some sacrifices need to be made, for your wife, and your family. You, your wife, and your children will all be better for it.

I'm not trying to pick on you, as it seems you have been willing to admit some of this yourself. I wish the best for you, your wife, and your family as a whole.

[Ky Larry]

I have learned very little about women and their thought process in my 59 years, but I have learned a few things.

1. When a woman wants you to do something, she'll convince you it was your idea to start with.

2. In a battle of wits, we men are under-armed.

3. Never try to count coup with a woman.They may let you win a skirmish but you will loose the war.

4. Never horse trade with a woman. She's too slick.

5. Remember the magic words: "Yes Dear" "Certainly Dear" "Right away,Dear" "Whatever you say,Dear" "Of course you were right,Dear"

Generally but not specifically gun related.Admins, please delete if inappropriate.

[AFRetired]

Trent, are you married to two different women?

From another thread..
Trent
Member



Join Date: December 5, 2010
Posts: 2,196 Oh man ... If I wasn't already sitting on a warning and an infraction I'd give some helpful advice.

My wife had back surgery, so shooting from an isosceles stance is difficult for her. Problem is with a weaver stance she can't hit diddly squat if the diddly were pasted to the broad side of a barn and she was standing IN the barn (her words). She's a royal terror with a rifle though, could castrate a chipmunk at 100 yards with our ... excuse me.. HER 22-250. (It used to be mine until she claimed it.)

Thinking about duracoating a PS90 pink for her for Christmas so she has a "handy rifle".
__________________

[youngda9]

I'm sure you'd give the same excuse if she tried to teach you all of her knitting needle and stitch types, LOL.

So much passive-agressive and manipulative behavior goin on in this relationship...amazing.

Hso's advice was to the point and spot on in post #50...don't go off pouting and proove his comments about you acting like a kid correct. Re-read what he wrote and adjust yourself accordingly.

She sounds like an excuse machine...my wife can be the same way about things, it frustrates me to no end. Just back off and enjoy your "me" time.

[Trent]

Trent, are you married to two different women?

From another thread..

Haha no, definitely not. I was working with my son after a range trip on his shooting stance a little, when my wife chimed up "I can't hit the broad side of a barn with a handgun."

So I tried working with her (indoors, without a gun) on the same triangle posture I was working with my son on, and she couldn't bend forward slightly at the waist with her arms extended, even with her knees bent. She got really upset.


When my mother (a tomboy) was a child, her dad tried to get her to learn to shoot, to no avail. But, because of her smaller fingers, he had her help clean the pistol as she could get in the tight areas better. Unfortunately, this left her with a pronounced dislike for the smell of Hoppe's #9 (or whatever).


I've tried to isolate my wife from gun maintenance stuff as much as possible. I keep a folding table in the garage that I set up for cleaning rifles. That way it's out of the house / out of sight, and it makes it a little easier to do certain things. Like clean the MG42 or PKM after shooting corrosive ammo. I can leave them disassembled for a few days so I can check it over each day for surface rust spots forming, and re-clean if necessary.

I used to do it all at the kitchen table, but starting earlier this year that changed.


Trent, I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but have you considered downsizing your hobby some, and spending some of that money/equipment/time on, and with your wife?

I don't think your wife has a problem with guns, so much as your marriage is being stressed by everything going on in your lives... (It sounds like you both recognize that.)

If you really are that busy, why not hang up the crossbow, and forget about bagging a deer this year. Sell off a gun or two, and use some of that to get your wife some flowers and a day at the spa. The next gun you should purchase (after some time...) should be the one of her choosing, and so on. Your wife needs to see that you she is more important than your hobbies. Your kids need to see you make that commitment to her as well. It definitely sounds like some sacrifices need to be made, for your wife, and your family. You, your wife, and your children will all be better for it.

I'm not trying to pick on you, as it seems you have been willing to admit some of this yourself. I wish the best for you, your wife, and your family as a whole.


The biggest stress we have is a tie between our 5 kids, and my mentally disabled sister. Following my mother / step-father's divorce a few years back, the guardian ad litem approached me and indicated the state was not viewing either of them as favorable custodians. No one else in my family was in a position to take on the responsibility, so the state approached me and asked if I'd be willing to serve as a guardian. My mother and step father didn't even bother showing up for the hearing and I was awarded guardian of my sister's estate and person.

We've been taking care of my sister now for close to three years. We got her placed at a local government outfit that does contractual janitorial service for local companies; she's held down the job now for over two years and is being considered for a staff position (permanent employ). Teaching her how to do shopping, how to budget money, how to make good decisions, and so on; in a year or two we'll probably get her an apartment of her own.

The gun hobby causes a lot less stress than other stuff. I didn't even go shooting in 2010, only went to the range 5 times in 2011. This year saw some changes; I downsized my collection from 120+ firearms (peak of my collection when I closed the gun shop down); now I'm down to 86.

Looking back, I think what ruined guns for my wife was when I had my FFL. I'd work all day at my day job then go work the gun shop at night. Before I had my FFL she went shooting with me. After 2006, I can't remember her EVER going shooting with me.

To be honest, the FFL pretty much ruined guns for ME for awhile too. I got so sick of lugging ammo and guns around to gun shows, etc. I was so busy between the two jobs I didn't have ANY free time.

So when we moved out in the country I gave it up. Haven't regretted that decision.

[Teachu2]

FWIW, if I had as much gun stuff lying around the house as you do, my wife would pick it all up for me. And then proceed to chuck it all on the front lawn. Along with a suitcase full of clothes.

Heck, I wouldn't get the suitcase! :neener:

[buckhorn_cortez]

My wife and I have been shooting together for nearly 30 years. She would accompany me to shoot because I liked to do it and she wanted to be with me.

The best thing I ever did was encourage her to take a pistol class for ladies only through our local gun club. If you can find that kind of a class, I would suggest encouraging your wife to take it.

My wife really liked it because there were no men in the class and so there was no macho ego competition between the attendees - something my wife commented on after taking the class. She came away from the class believing she could handle a gun, load it, and shoot without anyone helping her.

She's now so involved with shooting that she's a regular at the action pistol competitions at the local gun club, and is checking out a night competition at the local indoor range.

I go with her to watch her shoot, reload for her, and help her analyze the stages. I don't shoot because I want this to be her activity and I don't want to be in competition with her in anyway. This is her "thing" and I just fully support her.

The bonus for me is that she never asks about me buying a gun, ammunition, or going shooting; and will often call me and ask if I can meet her at the range. I can leave a gun cleaning box on the kitchen table for weeks and range bags in living room with no complaints.

When she starts moving the gun cleaning box around...I just say, "About time I looked at your XDm and get it all ready for Saturday." That usually stops her and she forgets about it for another 4-5 weeks...

[OilyPablo]

Some good advice in this thread.

My wife is nearly the same, but only because she hasn't taken the time. She does know the difference between a .22LR and .45ACP, for example. She's interested when I mention all the Microsoft girls at the local indoor range.

That said, something struck me as odd when reading the OP:

She made an offhanded comment during our talk about "you know why I don't like guns, they're so confusing! I mean, you have a Glock, right? Why can't people call it "Glock ammo" or whatever, instead of something point something something, or whatever caliber. That makes no sense to me. I mean, these things should be color coded or something. I shouldn't have to wonder what ammo goes with this gun, or know that this one takes seven point six two something rather, or what magazine fits with what gun."

I've heard this more than once at a Gun store!! No I didn't jump in and mention the .45GAP!:eek:;)

[wodaddy]

My wife has shown no interest, so I don't bother. I have no interest in attending some of her hobbies either. But if either of us want to talk to each other about our experiences, we listen. Simple as that. I don't do shopping at malls, and she doesn't come to the range. I understand your fears when you travel, why not an alarm system and a dog or two.

[Sam1911]

About 11 years ago my wife was all set to come out and shoot a PPC league with me and I figured she'd really learn her way around handguns.

Then within about a month she discovered she was pregnant with our first and has been either pregnant or nursing since then. So no lead, noise, and range time for her. She's pretty supportive of my activities, and of the kids getting into shooting, and she'll probably pick it back up again whenever she's done with the (very) young'uns. But it's been a long wait. :)

[Teachu2]

Get her a pink shotgun.

[Reloadron]

My wife is not a gun person, never was and never will be. She owned and operated a brick and mortar gun shop with me for 10 years. She does own a small Walther PPK and is proficient with it but does not go to the range every time I do. Maybe a few times a year at best. If I am away her gun sits on her night stand but when I am home she relies on whatever is on my might stand. She understands the basics but has no real desire to become an avid shooter and that is fine with me. She demonstrates the abilities to become a very good shooter but again has no interest. I am not about to push her towards what I happen to love.

If Lucifer Sam's suggestion can be made to work for you that is fine but keep in mind you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Not everyone enjoys the shooting sports like many of us do and I figure to each their own.

Just My Take
Ron

[Esoxchaser]

My wife was always a good shot, but not all that interested in spending much time at the range beyond keeping sharp with her EDC. Then we put a Bushnell trophy on top of a Ruger mark III Hunter. She has a ball with that gun, running the targets to the back of the range and dumping mags into a 6" target at 25 yards. Then moving it up to 15 yards and seeing how big a hole she can make in another target. She will keep it up till my thumb is raw from keeping her in loaded mags.

[bldsmith]

My wife never showed any interest in my guns. I got rid of all of them a few years ago to help pay off some bills but have re-purchased a wider variety now. I began concealed carry in 2009. She did not know until about 3 months ago. I did take her out to shoot about a year ago and she did quite well and have taken her a few times since. Recently she has taken a greater interest. We even watched a gun show on self defense tonight. She had some great questions and I did not even realize she was paying attention.

Now she has made the decision to have a handgun available for her when I am gone. I set up a safe she has specific access to with coded keys. I put 2 white dots on the safe and on the key that opens it. Inside she has an SR9C with a Crimson Trace and 2 magazines. It is even in a bedside type container that she can lock up if she desires. Now she wants to learn how to use all my guns. I like that idea. I would love to get her comfortable. Now to convince her to get her CHL. We even had the deadly force talk tonight. She actually agrees with my point of view there.

[Trent]

Tried something new, I haven't ever done before. I laid out the 15 handguns I own on the couch tonight. Checked/cleared them where necessary, then handed them to her one by one without saying anything that might influence her judgment.

Of the 15 she found three that "fit her" comfortably. Her favorite was the Sig Sauer P6. Next favorite was the Taurus PT-92. Third favorite was a Smith & Wesson M&P 9. It's interesting that she picked all 9mm's. Rejected the P95 and all the 45's; thicker grips must not have felt right. Which is fine, with her little wrists a 45 wouldn't be a good first pick.

[RetiredUSNChief]

I'm a little late in coming to this string, so if it seems I've not "waited my two minutes" I appologize.

Trent, have you considered that you may be attempting to fix a problem which doesn't exist? As at lease one other member as pointed out, she simply may not be all that interested in guns and your hobbies with them.

Couple a lack of personal interest with a full load of household work day in and day out and she's even less likely to be interested.

Add to that any perceived issues with the mess involved with it and the usual marital issues like the work/play differences between you and her, and her interest drops even more.


There are lots of ways to approach this...and so much is dependent on issues we don't have any clue about between the two of you.

However, instead of tackling this in the preferred male way (which is the head-on, "get-er-done", direct approach) you might try more subtle, indirect methods (which is the preferred female way).

- Don't make it a big issue...or any issue at all.

- Knowing your wife's OCD tendencies, be neat and meticulous about your hobby.

- Don't offer "trades" for this. They're nice, at times...but sometimes it comes across as "What do I need to do to get YOU to do what I want you to do?" (Female translation: "It's still all about him.")

- Simply make the time to do some things around the house in order to help her. And make a REAL effort to do it to her standards, or better. Not one-time-events, either...routine events. Doesn't have to be big, either. But in her world, it would be really noticable if suddenly she notices that she no longer has to deal with one thing or another simply because it gets done right without her having to do it.

- Help each other coordinate getting things done so that you can do things together. And those "things" shouldn't be focused exclusively on your gun hobbies. ANYTHING together that doesn't involve work, or the perception of work, to her.


There is no guarantee that this will eventually lead to her taking up an interest in your gun hobby. After all, if she's not really interested in it in the first place, it won't be natural for her to do so.

Don't expect "fast" results with this. But if the environment changes, then the possibility will increase that she may eventually get involved...of her own volition. Doing things "together" is important to her. But not everything needs to be done together.


Good luck, whatever happens down the road.

:):)

[gtd]

Sorry, this pointed to the wrong post.

Deleted.

[Trent]

Yeah that was a well thought out and very good post, USN. Plenty of food for thought there.

On a related note; rather than stick her with one of "my" guns (as she views them), we went shopping today.

She picked herself out a Walther PK380 with a "pretty" stainless slide.

.380 is a bit anemic, but it's certainly better than nothing, and maybe a stepping stone to greater adventures later. Recoil will be very light, so it should help prevent bad habits from forming early on.

On the way home she was asking about how women carry guns. :)

I said "well, you got a lot more options than men do. Purse, holster, etc."

Will see if I can nudge her over to Cornered Cat at some point. They'll have answers I can't give.

[sgtstryker]

I think you may have things squared away, Trent, good luck. Even though my wife enjoys shooting, she will not get her license to carry. She will keep one one with her when I am not home, in the vehicle and nearby while home. At least she tells me she does. When asked why? She cites legalities after a shooting. Her family experienced this years ago, so she has seen it firsthand. However, we continue to shoot together and she understands my affliction towards guns.

[RetiredUSNChief]

You're welcome, Trent.

On a related note; rather than stick her with one of "my" guns (as she views them), we went shopping today.

Good idea! Ownership brings about a feeling of pride and interest.


She picked herself out a Walther PK380 with a "pretty" stainless slide.

.380 is a bit anemic, but it's certainly better than nothing, and maybe a stepping stone to greater adventures later. Recoil will be very light, so it should help prevent bad habits from forming early on.

I bolded some key points here. You should NEVER, NEVER, NEVER say ANYTHING like this to her about her decision. Refering to her decision as "pretty" on a hobby that very likely comes across as "manly" with respect to you will seem condescending. Refering to her choice as "anemic" and "better than nothing" may very well come across as downright insulting.


On the way home she was asking about how women carry guns. :)

I said "well, you got a lot more options than men do. Purse, holster, etc."

Here's your chance to SHINE! This is an area of relative "ignorance" to you, beyond some superficial knowledge. It's an opportunity to learn something new together.


One thing that really gets under the skin of wives/significant others is anything which even HINTS at a "know-it-all" attitude or stand. ESPECIALLY if they're already on edge about something. You are somewhat of an expert with guns. She is not. This can be both intimidating AND aggrevating to her. One way to get around this is to adopt a slightly different approach to her questions: Instead of giving her the answers, or worse TELLING her (yeah...there's a difference. Just ask a woman...), try coming at it differently by suggesting "let's look it up", "let's see what (some reference) says", or some such. Heck, just saying "I don't know, let me get back to you on that" will be great! (Don't lie on this, though.) There is some matter of pride in a question which reveals a weakness in the teacher, because it indicates the student is intelligent enough to come up with it.

The advantage to this is several fold. It keeps you from coming across as a "know-it-all", it gets the two of you to work together to find the answer(s), it introduces her to other resources she can use on her own, and probably a whole host of other positive things.

A wise man once said of married men: "You can be right, or you can be happy."

;)

[doc2rn]

Trent- I have one bit of advice to keep the peace, hire a maid on occassion to take some of the pressure off the wife. I did this once and its amazing how quickly the women folk like the idea. It lets them do what they want, and it makes the tension between the two of you go away.
Who knows she may even use the freed up time to go shooting....

[Trent]

Good idea! Ownership brings about a feeling of pride and interest.

I bolded some key points here. You should NEVER, NEVER, NEVER say ANYTHING like this to her about her decision. Refering to her decision as "pretty" on a hobby that very likely comes across as "manly" with respect to you will seem condescending. Refering to her choice as "anemic" and "better than nothing" may very well come across as downright insulting.


I never stopped to think about it before, but yeah, that's definitely right. I just spent 5 minutes wracking my brain trying to remember if I said anything like that at the gun shop. I think the worst I said when she handed me the Walther PK380 was "wow! I can almost wrap my hand around this twice."

I should definitely be more careful about that stuff.

I *will* say that the little Walther PK380 just got a LOT more interesting to me due to it's size, now that the Federal court ruling came down in Illinois. We didn't KNOW we were going to get concealed carry at the time this thread started. Now it's doubly relevant. :)


Here's your chance to SHINE! This is an area of relative "ignorance" to you, beyond some superficial knowledge. It's an opportunity to learn something new together.


I'm not gonna lie, I don't know diddly squat about how women carry firearms. In fact, I know very little about concealed carry itself, since we've never HAD it here in Illinois. My exposure to CCW is limited use around my house (going out after dark) and at my office. Only CCW rig I have is an IWB leather holster for my Taurus PT92, I have no experience with any other types of concealed carry setups. When on my property (shooting, whatever) I usually carry a handgun in a normal hip holster, exposed.


One thing that really gets under the skin of wives/significant others is anything which even HINTS at a "know-it-all" attitude or stand. ESPECIALLY if they're already on edge about something. You are somewhat of an expert with guns. She is not. This can be both intimidating AND aggrevating to her. One way to get around this is to adopt a slightly different approach to her questions: Instead of giving her the answers, or worse TELLING her (yeah...there's a difference. Just ask a woman...), try coming at it differently by suggesting "let's look it up", "let's see what (some reference) says", or some such. Heck, just saying "I don't know, let me get back to you on that" will be great! (Don't lie on this, though.) There is some matter of pride in a question which reveals a weakness in the teacher, because it indicates the student is intelligent enough to come up with it.

The advantage to this is several fold. It keeps you from coming across as a "know-it-all", it gets the two of you to work together to find the answer(s), it introduces her to other resources she can use on her own, and probably a whole host of other positive things.

A wise man once said of married men: "You can be right, or you can be happy."


I do come across as a know it all when talking about something I find interesting; freely admit that. I remember everything I read (can even picture stuff I read as far back as grade school like I'm looking at it right now). So I tend to ramble on, and on.. and on.. and on .. and on.. about whatever.

Meanwhile the person I talk to falls asleep or shifts around before finally saying something like "oh that's nice" and walks off.

(I was blessed with retention; cursed with a serious social deficiency)

[PaisteMage]

I am totally in that situation.
I tell her she should know how to use them.
Tell her she could shoot .22's at the rang or just hang out.

She says she shot in high school a few times and has no interest.

She DOES have an interest in archery. I don't own a bow or anything, but I figure that would maybe get her to got to range with me and the kids one day (when they are older). She could go by herself or with one of them, and understand at least on a fundamental WHY I shoot things.

My advice would to clear up some things nonchalantly.

[rskent]

My advise- love her for who she is and let the gun thing go.

[maxsnafu]

"It bothers me a little, because I'd really like for her to be able to effectively use them to defend herself if I'm away."

Doesn't sound to me as if he's talking about his hobby at all. Sounds as if he wants his wife to be able to defend herself--at least that's what he actually said.

[bobinoregon]

My wife doesnt have a problem with my fascination with and collecting of guns. She deals with the reloading addiction. She has her hobbies and I have mine. All I expect from her is that she is familiar with and can make any gun we own function, and that is something she can do rather well. She has a couple pistols of her own that never see daylight, but if we go shooting somewhere she will shoot whatever I brought that day. She even bought me an AR for Christmas one year completely on her own, my life just isnt that bad.

[TrakHack]

Some of you guys definitely get it, others not so much. Whomever said you are there to hold the purse got it right.

My boyfriend thought he was Mr. Knowledgeable about guns until he realized I not only know way more than him about my guns of choice and concealed carry issues, but that I also shoot more accurately than he does. We don't even go to the range together - I go with my friends, he goes with his. Kind of lame, since it would be fun to go together, but our shared fun activities are now riding horses and shopping for guns.

For the guys saying you expect your wife to know how to use the guns in the house and defend herself, maybe give her other tools and options for that. Martial arts training is good, a large, well-trained dog would be my preference. I have zero desire to learn how to use my boyfriend's guns - I just don't find them interesting.

[Trent]

As far as being supportive of my hobby, I've never said she wasn't. My wife has given me some of the best gifts on birthdays and Christmas, generally gun related. She gave me a really nice range bag a few years ago. She gave me a gun cleaning vice another year. Electronic hearing protection another year.

This year she gave me some early presents more related to survival than firearms but still really thoughtful; a crank operated cell phone / battery charger / radio, emergency water purification gear, and other survival 'stuff'.

Yesterday she gave some constructive advice on how to rearrange the "store room" better (where we keep emergency water, food, medical supplies, etc.)

So it's not like we have a hostile relationship or anything. I don't know what I said to give people that impression, but the worst arguments we ever have are better that the best day MY parents ever had. It's not an unhappy environment.

The issue is she has shown very little interest in learning to shoot, or practicing shooting skills, and I want her to be able to effectively defend herself.

I just want her to be able to pick up a handgun, know how to load it, know how to use it (shooting, handling malfunctions, etc), and most importantly know WHEN to use it.

I don't want / need her to learn to handload ammo, or clean a belt fed gun, or set up the DShK tripod, zero a scope, or learn exterior ballistics so she can make 800+ yard shots.

There's a difference between practical application of handguns for defense, and other aspects of the hobby which are more in depth than she'd ever want to get involved with.

This being said, after watching what my Aunt went through when my uncle unexpectedly passed, I made sure she has a list of all firearms and knows their value. That way if anything ever happens to me, she'll know A) what I have, and B) what it's worth. I've also noted what I'd like to go to which kids so she can arrange it when the time is right; and she'll know what she can sell for money to survive without violating those wishes.

[Trent]

For the guys saying you expect your wife to know how to use the guns in the house and defend herself, maybe give her other tools and options for that. Martial arts training is good, a large, well-trained dog would be my preference. I have zero desire to learn how to use my boyfriend's guns - I just don't find them interesting.

A couple of years ago, an entire family was butchered by hand weapons not far from here. The sole survivor was a young toddler who was discovered still alive, life-flighted, and admitted in critical condition.

That experience really shook things up. I did NOT typically keep weapons in a ready state in our home prior to that incident. (A complicating factor at the time, is I had toddlers of my own, so guns were secure and stored separately from the ammo, to avoid any horrible accidents; my children are older now).

A more recent incident occurred just recently. One of my neighbors was robbed at gun point by FIVE armed intruders. They waited for the father to leave for work (3rd shift) and then went in to clean the house out while the mother and her two children were asleep in bed. Fortunately, no one was injured. But the police did NOT catch the intruders, althought the prime suspect was a gangbanger from Peoria (about 45 mins away).

That was the second of TWO home invasions on the same day. They caught the other people, and recovered the guns stolen.

Around the same time, a robber walked in to the local bank in our nearest little farm town, and robbed it at gun point in broad daylight. He got away on foot, was never caught.

There are many other issues in the news; 15 heroin overdoses in our rural county this year, etc.

We live 20 miles outside of town, police and EMS take between 20-30 minutes to respond when called. We're literally on our own.

In addition to the firearms training, we now run home invasion drills just like fire and tornado drills. It's important for my children to understand what to do if 5 armed intruders kick in the door in the middle of the night, like what happened at our neighbors house.

Recognizing that my odds in a 5 on 1 fight are very grim, our defense plan includes layered defenses. If I go down, my 15 year old son is in a position between the intruders and the rest of the family, in a hardened position with a superior line of fire. If the bad guys want to get to my family they'll suffer losses. If HE also goes down, my wife is next in line to guard the little ones on the next level of the house. (This is just ONE scenario, there are others we run which unfold differently, with people in different places, with me absent, and so on.)

Martial arts training is a great idea, but it is impractical for a 110 pound teenager or a 120 pound female to take on a 180+ pound aggressive male; let alone multiple intruders. I've got over 25 years of martial arts training including 20 years of instruction. (Not trying to be discriminating here; there is value in Martial arts training, but it takes YEARS and a LOT of dedication for a smaller person to achieve a level of competency that would allow them to stand a chance against a person 2+ times as strong as them.)

My older two boys each had two and a half years of hand to hand training twice weekly, before they lost interest; my wife none; she has zero interest.

[Trent]

Also due to our distance, and the response time of EMS, I've also learned a LOT more than I did previously about how to treat severe injury and stabilize people. We keep a pretty healthy first aid kit handy, which includes gear necessary for treatment of severe injury. Blood clotters, severe burn treatment, sterile tools for treating collapsed lungs, windpipe breathing tube windpipe insertion, etc.

I'm considering taking EMS training next spring to augment the basic skills I've learned.

[Trent]

Walther PK380 Stainless located and paid for.

Just an annoying 72 hour wait before I got her stocking stuffer. :)

Ridiculous that I have to wait 3 days to pick up a gun. If I wanted to shoot someone I have 87 other firearms to choose from.

"Cooling off" periods .. sigh.

[Trent]

I think she's getting excited about owning "her" first handgun!

She's been posting pro-gun propaganda on Facebook today. :)

:) :)

[SamWitch]

As a wife who has only recently developed an interest in this, I enjoyed this thread immensely. *clap clap clap*

[Trent]

Topic of discussion at the dinner table tonight; my wife went on quite the little rant about all these "emotional people making stupid statements about banning tools instead of crime."

I mentioned that when a woman speaks out pro-gun, it comes across a hundred times more powerful as when a man does so.

(Which is a fair assessment, I feel. Men are often looked at as chest-thumping-gorillas when they talk about guns and stuff, women, not so much.)

[PaisteMage]

My girlfriend knows that if she wants to learn fine, I don't force it on her.

I bring it up when i am mulling over a purchasing decision, how the cost of ammo (and therefore not shooting much lately) has me wanting to get a press.

She always jokes the guns sit there and don't get shot that much.

I tell her they aren't all .22!

I just think she would like it since she was good in archery. The target aquisition thing and all...

Good point Trent about how if a woman speaks out about guns, it takes the aggressive , testosterone fueled, image out of it.

[Trent]

My wife has been posting as much pro-gun stuff online as I have this week.

I can't believe how rapidly her views turned around. Seems I just needed to learn what buttons not to push. :)