Staple Tacker Control Act Of 2013


December 29, 2012, 02:26 PM
Having given due consideration to the firearms and ammunition capacity restrictions proposed by the Honorable Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), in addition to the various and sundry firearms bans and owner registration provisions of her proposal, we have concluded that she is on the wrong track entirely – that it isn't the guns that are causing all the problems, nor is it their high capacity magazines.

The real culprit is the high-capacity staple tackers used by every shooter in the land to staple their targets to the target backing. Found in great numbers on literally every firing range in the country, the proliferation of these nefarious devices is rampant. Some of these devices can hold up to 100 staples and are capable of stapling dozens of targets with lightning speed without being reloaded. As if this is not bad enough, some manufacturers of staples readily facilitate rapid reloading of high capacity staple tackers by producing sticks of staples 100 staples long, contained in easily concealed boxes that can hold up to 1,250 staples. This is an outrage that must not be tolerated.

Ever mindful of the public's right to keep and bear staple tackers, yet also aware of the need to protect the public welfare, we hereby propose


Section 1.1 – Effective on February 1, 2013, except as stated herein, all staple tackers of whatever description, whether manually operated or powered by pneumatic, hydraulic, or electrical means, shall be restricted to containing no more than 10 staples, whether contained in a detachable or internal staple feeding device.

Section 1.2 – Owners of staple tackers presently having a capacity of more than 10 staples may retain their staple tackers, but shall undergo a thorough background check and register each staple tacker in their possession with the Federal Bureau of Staple Tacker Control, which shall maintain a national registry of said owners. Said owners shall provide the FBSTC with documentation from the Chief Law Enforcement Officer of their jurisdiction attesting to their good character and qualifications to operate a staple tacker safely.

Section 1.3 – Manufacturers of staples used in staple tackers, shall not manufacture, import, transfer, or possess sticks of staples in excess of 10 individual staples, to be contained in boxes of no more than two sticks of ten staples per box.

With the adoption of this measure, every American will feel safer in the knowledge that these devices of mayhem have been neutralized at last, and that no citizen of this great country will ever again be faced with an assault by a crazed criminal wielding a high capacity staple tacker.

Typical example of a high capacity, manually operated, staple tacker. The safety in this example is in the "safe" position and the internal magazine has been opened for loading. The long stick of staples on the right is the standard under existing law. The ten-staple stick mandated by the new measure is on the left.

The Devil made me do it. I just thought it was time for a laugh.


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December 29, 2012, 02:30 PM
Well, if you look at it a certain way, that's a "terrorist training device" since it can be used to put up human-shaped targets for practice.

Next thing you know they'll go after cardboard human-silhouette targets (such as used in competitive shooting events) because it teaches people how to shoot other people.

December 29, 2012, 02:32 PM
not evil rails

December 29, 2012, 02:36 PM
where's the shoulder thing that goes up? ;)

Sauer Grapes
December 29, 2012, 02:39 PM
An evil machine indeed! :eek:

December 29, 2012, 08:03 PM
Cute, but off topic.

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