Telling wife how many guns you actually own


PDA






Kalashnikovkid
February 5, 2014, 06:03 AM
Hi there, Highroaders!

It's been awhile, but I recently had an issue with the wife I imagine a few of you here have dealt with, and I'd like to know what came about. What follows is the backstory to why I'm asking this question; if you'd like to just read the question *SKIP TO THE END*!!!!

I got married about a year ago to my college sweetheart, and due to my being in the military, my wife and I currently reside in a foreign country that prohibits gun ownership. As much as it stinks to not get to really shoot for a few years (no, qualification once in a blue moon doesn't count!), we're in a country my wife loves so I've got some encouragement. However, a man's got his passions, so early in my arrival I got in contact with a gun dealer I've done a little business with in the past and he is holding any guns I order on Gunbroker until I get out of the service (O what a glorious day that will be!!!) and return CONUS.

Without saying the exact number, let's just say I'm in my mid twenties and I own more than a couple a guns, which my wife knows. However, because we were together in college for over a year and my guns were stored at home, she doesn't know the EXACT number that I own. I originally thought that due to a lack of inquiry on her part, she was good with only knowing as much as she knew (silence is consent!). I told her about my deal with the FFL, and that I was going to pick up a few new toys from time to time while we're here. She then gets into her wanting me to tell her whenever I get a new gun, and that's where the issue starts. Here's why:

1. In the past, she's seen me buy guns and not said a word. Not one. Hell, she's even been on the range with me when I've bought a new gun, and then shot it with me in addition to the 3 or 4 I already brought with me.

2. We have separate finances, and had no issues with it as a couple. Mind you, with her looking for and finally starting a new job after 7 months of unemployment, with me being the primary breadwinner I've assumed all family costs. I bought our first car, pay for the insurance, buy all the food, put clothes on our backs, pay her college debt, and give her money for literally anything she needs without a single complaint. I do this because it's the right thing to do, and it's not something I wave in her face as a guilt trip because I want to see her succeed and be happy.

3. Because we have separate finances, we've always had the "buy what you want as long as we take care of mutual expenses" mantra, and it works. It also goes both ways. She could literally come home in a brand new Lamborghini, and as long as she paid cash for it and didn't put a burden on us, my only question would be, "can you take me for a ride in it?"

All that being said, I asked her why she wants to know when I buy a new gun but not any other inanimate object, and she said, "because I didn't grow up with guns, and they make me uncomfortable." With me coming from a philosophy background in college,her statement was not sustaining critical inquiry from the husband half of the equation. I pushed the point that guns are inanimate objects just like a lot of the other things I bring home that she doesn't ask to know about, so again, why have you relegated them to special status?

Her response: "They're dangerous, and they make me uncomfortable."

Me, with her implicit assumption about the inherent nature of wholly inanimate objects aside: "statistically speaking, and according to Center for Disease Control statistics, the cars we own are more dangerous than guns. The alcohol we consume on a regular basis helps to end more lives a year than both guns and cars combined. The occasional cigar you've seen me smoke will assist in killing more people then all of the above. All that being said, is it really fair that you've attached such special significance to guns, something you've long known I have a passion for?

Her, now in tears:"You're placing guns before me. You make me feel like I can't trust you because you don't want to tell me when you buy a gun. If it makes me feel comfortable, why does it matter?"

At this point, we've reached an impasse, so we agreed to disagree for a few months. Yes, I kept buying guns that she didn't know about during this time. When it finally comes up again in another argument, I tell her that one of the reasons I do not think me telling her is necessary, besides all the ones I've already mentioned, is because I do not see how the exact number of guns that I own has any actual bearing on how dangerous it is within our home. If she believes that 3 guns are dangerous, and she knows I already have that many, then does our home get exponentially more dangerous if that number becomes 30, or 300? No. Second, if the "they're dangerous" reasoning is rejected, the only plausible reason she'd need to know how many guns I have is CONTROL. However, we've already agreed that as long as our mutual expenses are paid for, our money is our money and she has no logical basis to influence how many guns I buy. Of course, me bringing all this up only leads to more tears and her admittance that her view is based on feeling, but that she can't be comfortable in our home unless she knows.

So, like most married guys, I had to accept that her feelings and comfortability matter more to me than sustainable logic, so I've apologized and agreed to tell her the number. However, besides telling her that I disagree with her reasoning, she needed to understand the absolute trust that she'll be the first girlfriend or wife (to include my own mother) I've ever met who knows the true expense of her boyfriend's/husband's hobbies and doesn't make it a control issue. Whether or not this holds true remains to to be experience(proof is in the whiskey!).

THE QUESTION: If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated, even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?

If you enjoyed reading about "Telling wife how many guns you actually own" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!
Plan2Live
February 5, 2014, 06:14 AM
She said:"because I didn't grow up with guns, and they make me uncomfortable."and "They're dangerous, and they make me uncomfortable."
Then the kicker You're placing guns before me. You make me feel like I can't trust you because you don't want to tell me when you buy a gun. If it makes me feel comfortable, why does it matter?"

Game over, she has drawn the line in the sand. Your next move defines what the rest of your life will look like on many levels. Sometimes the juice ain't worth the squeeze. Good luck

guyfromohio
February 5, 2014, 06:22 AM
Make her comfortable. Take her shooting as much as she will go. A relationship with even the slightest bit of secrecy will implode eventually.

StrawHat
February 5, 2014, 06:23 AM
Apparently, she is placing guns ahead of you also.

JRWhit
February 5, 2014, 07:04 AM
Your wife has been influenced to believing that guns are inherently dangerous, and because of that has a skewed perception of them. I don't believe that it is entirely unfounded for her to want to know an exact number. If I were to share a house with someone who was a collector I think I too would want some assurances. Such as security of such objects and safety of the user. As your wife, I believe you must bring her into your world. This means total honesty, let the chips fall where they may. Your relationship to your wife cannot prosper in the shroud of secrecy. You should be able to express your excitement to her when you score a new rifle, and she should be able to express pleasure in seeing you enjoy your passion. She has been shown one side of firearms, let her see the other. Show her the shooting sports world so she can see that there is a much larger world of sport than flipping it sideways Gangsta style. Reassure her with the security aspect of having things locked up so that she may have piece of mind. Lastly, find her one to call her own ,"of her choosing", and remember that you share her world too.

You cannot simultaneously share a life with someone, while living separate lives.

BigBL87
February 5, 2014, 07:11 AM
Make her comfortable. Take her shooting as much as she will go. A relationship with even the slightest bit of secrecy will implode eventually.

I think this is a great suggestion. As someone who didn't grow up around guns, I had a certain fear of them until I shot one a couple times.

Sam1911
February 5, 2014, 07:11 AM
It is always risky to ask for, give, or TAKE marital advice from strangers, especially those who are passionate about something, and especially over the 'net.

But, hey, it's free, right? ;)

My take on it is indeed a little like the "line in the sand" comment. What you do right now sets how your life will be from now on. If this is going to be a PROBLEM let it be one NOW, face it, deal with it, and move past it one way or the other. It only gets worse and harder later and comes with more collateral damage.

What would I do, and what have I done? Something like this:

"Sweetheart, this is part of what I do and part of me being me. I have no desire to keep anything from you and will tell you anything you have a desire to know about me. I'm not going to stop doing what I do or being me the way I am, so only ask me about my interests if you actually care about them and want to enjoy my enthusiasm for them. Don't ask so that you can have a lever over me to try to change me or stop me from doing what I love to do. It won't happen and will only cause both of us a lot of pain and sadness.

I am never going to put "things" over you in my heart, and part of why I love you is that I don't believe you would put "things" over me in your heart either. Decide today if this issue is important enough to you to wedge us apart. Tell me that now. If it is -- if you cannot be happy with me being me this way -- I need to know that. Otherwise, this needs to be the last time you ask me to give up something I'm passionate about. A good spouse encourages his or her partner in their pursuits of happiness. I promise to do that for you, I want you to promise to do that for me."


Then follows the "pregnant silence" where you will know -- pretty instantly -- how it is going to be.

Unfortunately, while what you discover in that next moment might be very good, it also might be very bad. If her reply is a squirm, a dodge, or a refutation of your points, then you know something very sad and dark about your relationship, and you'll need to think very hard about what you should do about that. Decades are spent in many couples' lives in great pain over the kinds of grasping, controlling, fear and bitterness that now threatens yours. You two either need to completely excise this tumor now or you will feel the pain of it constantly for your whole married lives.

wgaynor
February 5, 2014, 07:15 AM
the foundation of marriage is trust and communication. Both are needed in this case.

Agsalaska
February 5, 2014, 07:18 AM
First, I never like the 'guns are just inanimate objects.' That is way too narrow of an argument and one that will not resinate with someone who is anti. They understand it cannot shoot itself. They are not stupid.

Second, guns are worth money. You can die. She needs to know what they are worth in case you die. Thats why my wife knows. I have a list with costs and values that I update a couple of times a year. I also have an FFL guy that is one of my best friends in the world. I have a couple marked that I want to keep in the family. The rest she can dispose of as she pleases. But she has to know what they are worth.

jgiehl
February 5, 2014, 07:26 AM
If she didn't grow up with them then she just doesn't know.
Do tell her anytime you buy one, that's just common marriage sense.
The biggest key factor in my mind is,
EDUCATION IS PARAMOUNT!!!!!!!
Teach the woman you vowed to love.
Then it can be a combined lifestyle.
And not one that's secluded to the shadows.

My 2 cents

wgaynor
February 5, 2014, 07:36 AM
I'm also wondering why this didn't come out before the marriage. Did you attend pre marital counseling? Was she afraid that it would be an issue? I've learned quickly that most mistakes married men make, occur at the beginning of the marriage. then we are reminded of them every day after that ... :)

Sav .250
February 5, 2014, 07:36 AM
It all depends on who wears the pants in the family. Or,more like a test of wills.

Good luck......

Constrictor
February 5, 2014, 07:40 AM
Better get an attorney lined up.

rbernie
February 5, 2014, 07:47 AM
the foundation of marriage is trust and communication. Both are needed in this case.Word.

The debate isn't over things, per se, and I suggest strongly that you don't let it go there because that cheapens the discussion. The debate is more likely, at its core, about your sense of values (with guns as representative of those values) and her sense of values (with communications and compromise being representative of those values). If you each can find a way to truly and honestly respect each others values, this too shall pass. If you can't both find a way to respect each others' values, then y'all need to figure out where to go from there.

JRWhit
February 5, 2014, 07:49 AM
One more thought to throw in here;
Is the hobby taking too much time away from her? While she may be presenting it to be about the guns, this very well could have more to do with the time spent on hobbies and away from her. I have dealt with this personally. In similar occurrences, a divide would be drawn between me and my wife over my hobbies. The reality of it wasn't what the hobby was, even though it was portrayed that way, but the amount of time spent on them away from the family.

carsten1911
February 5, 2014, 07:55 AM
She was shooting with you and watched you buying guns, so she CANT have been "anti" oder even "uncomfortable with guns" in the past.

Since she in "uncomfortable" NOW the question is:

What changed her mind? Ask her.

tallpaul
February 5, 2014, 07:58 AM
a long time ago when the first safe was about at overflow I made the mistake of showing a couple girls I thought were gonna be around long term the inner sanctim reloading room and safe... they both were not so against them at first bit I did get the "why so many" "do you really need so many" to which my response was "they were here long before you and will be here long after you are gone" - that has been a constant and consistent part of me and likely a big reason I am single...

just like the new audi commercial of the doberhuahua talks- compromise is seldom right!

Personally I would be scared as hell if I were you right now... its ending before your eyes...

kimbernut
February 5, 2014, 08:00 AM
And many other have given you some excellent advise. Hindsight is 20/20, this should have been determined before marriage, of course, but it is what it is.
Deal with it and get the confrontation out of the way ASAP. No doubt the more she shoots the more comfortable she will be but in your present situation that is out of the question. I do believe Sam has put you on the right track until range time is available.

wgaynor
February 5, 2014, 08:07 AM
When my wife and I first married, I was just beginning my career in Management for a non-profit. Non-profit can equate to not the best pay. I was also previously married and paying about $1000 a month to support my 2 wonderful children.

My new bride was wanting the new house and everything included. She had every right to want that. Every woman dreams of that whenthey get married. We were living in a duplex and fighting the VA for my compensation.

Anywhoo, while saving for a down payment on a future house, I went out and bought a M91/30 for.......$80!!!! Heck yeah! Who can pass that deal up. Of course, we didn't talk about it and it got ugly.

My actions sent her a message and it scared her. We didn't have much money. We had talked about our mutual goal of buying a house. She was making sacrifices, but i wasn't.

Actions do speak louder than words. My actions told her that I had no interest in her happiness if it interferes with my hobby.

I have learned alot these past few years and my marriage is stronger than ever. We talk about EVERytHING

Moral of the story, actions speak louder than words. Peal back the onion, get to another layer and see what she is truly telling you and look at what you are telling her with your actions. Often, it's the unsaid that really matters the most.

by the way, she knows every gun I have, and I have a binder listing them, their value, and which ones to sell off if I pass and whcih to keep in the family. the binder also contains info on how to use the generator, the Kerosene heater, and where the valuables are stashed.

hq
February 5, 2014, 08:13 AM
THE QUESTION: If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated, even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?

Yes, and I proudly have - most of the time. Over twenty ago when I met my wife I realized that if I hide anything, I'll spend the rest of my life hiding and I couldn't imagine living like that. She had no previous first-hand experience of firearms and when she first time saw my gun room was a kodak moment. Her jaw dropped. Her only concerns so far have been better (child proof) safes back in 90's and asking me with a firm tone of voice to take machine guns to basement when her friends come over.

Had she ever started pressuring me, we would've had a long conversation. You can't change people; people can change when they themselves want to, but habits and beliefs are the second strongest urge of all human beings and attempts at changing them without extreme, solid proof or other factors that motivate the person to alter his/her belief system are doomed to fail.

You're most definitely not putting guns before her. You're putting guns before her unfounded beliefs, associations and - to be honest - media-induced misohoplia and it's entirely up to her to let go of her beliefs and think rationally.

jrdolall
February 5, 2014, 08:29 AM
I live in Alabama. I am an Alabama football fan.

Now if you're not from around here you will say "so what?".

We have another college in this state called Auburn. There is no more intense hatred in the sports world than this rivalry. People get killed just about every year over this one football game. This past year one Alabama fan shot another Alabama fan because "she wasn't upset enough over the loss". Both were women.

With that said there are plenty of "mixed marriages" that work out and last forever. Maybe they don't talk from September through December but they stay married.

You and your wife can work out any situation as long as both parties are willing to accept that disagreement is a part of ANY relationship. I don't see that your love of guns should be insurmountable for her nor should her apparent dislike be impossible for you to live with.

I got divorced after 7 years of marriage right after college. Irreconcilable differences and all that. I was then fortunate to meet and marry a girl that accepted me for exactly who I am. I like guns so she got interested, slowly, in the hobby. I hunt so she became a hunter. The last anniversary present I got her before she passed was a S&W revolver that she picked out. Anytime she asked me why I needed a new gun I asked her about her shoes. I mean how many pair of shoes does one woman NEED.

In those years we had arguments about almost everything conceivable just like any relationship. One partner should not have to give up something they enjoy even if the other does not participate. Other than infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse, or something that drains too much time and money from the FAMILY I think that any issue can be worked out between two willing partners.

Bad news. I think she may be trying to tell you something. It sounds like she loves the country you are in and you can't wait to get back to the USA. Uh-Oh.

Ks5shooter
February 5, 2014, 08:31 AM
Our whole lives everyone will be forced to do things and deal with thing we don't like or want to do.This is just another thing for your wife to deal with.Being its gun specific shows you have an anti-gun person in your house.If it were buying too many pairs of Air Jordan sneakers ,I feel it wouldn' be an issue.Be careful ,this could be an explosive issue.:(

larryh1108
February 5, 2014, 08:32 AM
There are several different veins here that may run together.

In her mind, you are keeping a secret. She knows your passion for firearms but also has no idea how many you have. She may feel that the action of keeping the number a secret can carry over into other areas of what else you are keeping from her. It becomes a trust issue.

She may also be looking at having kids. How safe will they be with "so many" guns "laying around". I'm not saying there will be any in sight or not secured but she doesn't know this because you don't have them right now. She may have a skewed vision of guns laying in every drawer or cabinet and feels any kids you may have will be in danger. She's convicting you for something you haven't done nor may ever do (be careless with storage). Right now you have no guns. She likes that.

It's also about control. She may feel she has none in your relationship. She wants to know the exact count because there may come a day when she'll ask "do you really need another gun? You already have 20 or 30 or 80, etc. Put that $500 or $800 into little Johnny's college fund. You may have an agreement in place now, about finances, but women look ahead to when you have kids and they want some control that goes with it. She may see you guys struggling to buy diapers but you always have money for another gun. She may think that your gun buying may be a sign of out-of-control behavior and her and the kids will suffer due to this "illness". To her, guns can be on the same level as being an alcoholic, drug abuser, hoarder or gambler. She may know someone who ruined their family due to an obsession like just mentioned and fears that may happen to you guys. She may want you to join gunaholics if you have way too many guns and she wants to know the number so she can figure out if there is a problem now or in the future.

There are many reasons why someone reacts in a way that differs from the previous norm. The only real answer is to find an entire evening to sit down with the express purpose of discussing this issue. Make no threats. Make no demands. Use the time to listen to what is being said (on both sides). Don't get snitty or nasty. Communicate. Once all the cards are on the table you have to analyze what was just discussed and then ask yourself if you can live under these feelings and emotions. Make an intelligent decision on your future before bringing kids into the equation.

Once kids come, everything changes. I think you are seeing what she sees when you have kids. Women do that more than men. The kids become more important than any hobby you may have, no matter how long you've had it. If you come to terms, great. If you can't then be prepared to move on.

Derek Zeanah
February 5, 2014, 08:43 AM
My first thought: this is all going to get harder once kids are part of the equation.

It's hard to give advice without knowing either one of you. There are nuances that complicate these issues that will never be communicated to the folks trying to answer your question, but hopefully a few of the responses will be helpful.

The direct answer to your question is "yes, if she wants to know about purchases, even if made with 'your' money, then she has the right to know about them." There's "your" money and "her" money, but she may not see it that way. If she's been unemployed and actively looking for a job for more than half a year then she may feel like your resources are something you both need to be able to depend on, and that you're squandering financial security on a hobby. If so, discussion should bring this out. If she's not actively looking for a job and she's depending on her MRS degree to pay the bills, then this is definitely part of the problem. Especially if you are talking about kids and she plans on staying at home with them - you're spending the (future) kids' money on firearms that you can't even use right now.

If she's worried about firearms and safety, then that's an issue of education. Take her to a place like Gunsite where you both will be armed all day, during all activities, and safety will be practiced at all times even when training on the range. A car is dangerous too, but it's made significantly less so if the operator is properly trained and is acting in a safe manner.

If she is opposed to civilian firearm ownership and being a gun owner is a symbol that represents something at the core of your being, then it will be much easier to deal with this now then after a couple of kids are around and mom's in full-on "protect the children" mode.

It's also possible that she's immature. I've dated girls who thought they should be the most important thing in my life, and that if work requirements conflicted with a planned date that work should suffer. It's possible it's something similar here - your time and money should be spent on her, and this is a long-standing hobby that you should be giving up now that you're in a committed, loving relationship. Like comic books or internet porn.

I don't know what it is, and I don't know the answer. I can say that the issue is probably a lot more complex that it appears now, and it's possible she doesn't even know the root cause of her emotions. Is it fear, resentment, uncertainty, or can she identify the emotion?

This will take some work, but this is absolutely something that should be talked through until a clear understanding is reached. You both need to understand each other's position, and you need to have a clear idea of what you're willing to give up (gun ownership, control over spouse's gun ownership) in order to keep the relationship. It's possible the relationship isn't workable, and there are some core issues here that will prevent you both from being happy in the long run. If so, correct it.

Marriage is something that should be a net win for both partners. Nobody should be asked to give up something they care deeply about. Figure out what the issues are, and either address them directly, or decide whether the relationship is worth trying to save. If she's afraid of firearms then work to minimize her fear (preferably through education and experience rather than disarmament). If financial security is at the root of this then address that - for a while my investment in firearms was fixed, and buying something new meant selling something to pay for it. If the issue is one of control, then I've got bad news for you...

M2 Carbine
February 5, 2014, 08:49 AM
Trust is one of the most important things in making a marriage last.
If you can't be truthful about something as petty as how many guns you own, you two are heading for trouble.

Sounds like you both have to do some maturing.

vamo
February 5, 2014, 08:50 AM
I know you said you guys have separate finances but the fact is guns are freaking expensive. I wonder what her response would be if you were buying something cheap she objected to.

AlexanderA
February 5, 2014, 10:28 AM
Don't lie to her. On the other hand, don't unnecessarily volunteer information. Actually, you have the perfect arrangement because your FFL friend is keeping the guns until you get out of the service. Thus you avoid the problem of having to sneak the guns into the house. (Once you have a critical mass of guns, one more doesn't make any difference. Mine seem to multiply on their own.)

TRX
February 5, 2014, 10:50 AM
I'm not exactly sure how many guns I own... I have about a dozen in various stages of construction, some of which have no clear ATF spec on when they turn from "parts" to "firearm."

I have a bunch of AK receivers that are legally "guns", though they're just bent sheet metal and I don't have kits to complete them. I have a Maadi-Griffin project that will probably turn from "parts" to "gun" when I cut the locking lug slots in the receiver.

Arkansas Paul
February 5, 2014, 10:53 AM
Derek is correct in that we can't really know your exact situation and as such, our suggestions should be considered with that in mind.

However, I think there is something that applies to every relationship.

Don't hide anything. It will eventually come out and the minor disagreement you may have if tell her up front will pale in comparison to what will happen if it is compounded by you being secretive about it.

If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated, even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?

If your wife asks you a simple question like that and you refuse to "provide this information" you may as well go ahead and pay an attorney a retainer fee because you're gonna need one sooner than later. And those guns you're hiding from her will likely be half hers when her attorney gets done.

My wife probably couldn't tell you the exact number I've got but if she asked, I'd tell her.

Madcap_Magician
February 5, 2014, 10:57 AM
One thing I hate is the "Guns are just inanimate objects!" complaint.

That just turns the argument into "Yes, they are!" "No, they aren't!" ad nauseum. There is no way to win that.

You stating that something is so will have zero meaning to her if she thinks the opposite.

One reason gun rights activists lose so many arguments is because they think that the facts matter more than emotion.

They are confusing the way things should be with the way things are, and concluding that when the facts don't match the theory, the facts should be thrown out.

The fact is that the overwhelming majority of people in this country (on both sides of any argument) value their emotions as much or more than their reason when making value decisions, and failing to understand that dooms you to losing any arguments.

Tinpig
February 5, 2014, 11:10 AM
I've been married 46 years and I don't believe in secrets, but sometimes a little "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" goes a long way in keeping things running smoothly in a marriage.

My wife sounds very much like yours. She's a wonderful person, wife, and mother, but she's just not comfortable around guns. That's fine. My sons and I don't talk about them in front of her, I keep them all locked up and out of sight in our house, and I don't clean them on the kitchen table (when she's home.) :)

But neither do I ask her permission nor feel the need to inform her when I carry, or go shooting or buy another gun. We both work hard, we contribute equally to the expenses, and what I do with anything I have left over is ultimately my business.

It's good to find this out now, but it shouldn't be necessary to choose between a good woman and your guns. Find a way to compromise and have both.

Tinpig

DM~
February 5, 2014, 11:18 AM
I grew up with guns, i knew guns/hunting would be with me the rest of my life. NOW, when dateing girls, why would i get serious with any girl that didn't like guns or hunting, or think like i do??? That would just be setting myself (and her) up for nothing but problems for any future we would have together.

I worked out ALL gun/hunting related issues LONG before i got serious with my better half and if "anyone" doesn't do that, then they are destined to have to live with what THEY created!!

Either i can afford the new gun i want, or i can't. If i have the EXTRA money to make the purchase, then no big deal! IF, i can't, i shouldn't be looking to buy it in the first place, that is, not UNTIL i have that extra money in my hand.

DM

Newcatwalt
February 5, 2014, 11:20 AM
So far this is an excellent thread with a lot of well thought out advice.

As for myself, my wife knows how many firearms I own whenever she wants because all she has to do is ask me. She also knows which one of my friends I trust to sell them for her if anything ever happens to me and she needs or wants to sell them. She also knows which ones I always keep loaded and which ones I don't. She knows these things because I trust her and she doesn't begrudge me my one hobby and lifelong enjoyment.

I don't see any harm in your wife knowing how many firearms you own. What she does with that information is where it will get "interesting". With what little I personally know about you, or your situation, it seems to me that you and your wife need to sit down and resolve this issue - better sooner than later.

Best of luck with this....

jcwit
February 5, 2014, 11:24 AM
My wife and I have none of the problems you relate to.
I trust her completely, as she does me.
She has an inventory of all my firearm collection. Its all on paper as its impossible for me to remember them all.

Things work much better when both are trustful of each other, and at the ages of 70 and 64 it just makes sense.

HankR
February 5, 2014, 11:31 AM
What Sam said in Post # 7.

Of course, this conversation should take place way before you even think about getting married. It's still probably better to have it now than later. Just be prepared to accept whatever her stance is and do what you need to do next.

Fremmer
February 5, 2014, 11:40 AM
Welcome to marriage. My favorite part was when you analyzed her statement from a philosophical standpoint, lol. Man, that's going down a dead end path for sure.

You might as well learn to tell her that she's right and how you're sorry. And then either do what she wants, or match her with an expensive gift every time you buy a gun.
Good luck...

Teachu2
February 5, 2014, 11:51 AM
Yes, I'd tell her. I'd emphasise the way they hold their value, and how easy they are to convert to cash, and how they become family heirlooms. I'd also point out that I don't expect to be able to always have the freedom to acquire them that I do at the moment, because the expenses of buying a house and having a family will take priority when the time comes. Until then, the money gets invested in guns.

Of course, don't say that unless you truly mean it. If you intend to spend every last bit of your discretionary income on guns, cars, boats, or other "toys", tell her that up front. She needs to know if you plan to be her husband, or just the guy she married.

Arkansas Paul
February 5, 2014, 12:02 PM
I worked out ALL gun/hunting related issues LONG before i got serious with my better half and if "anyone" doesn't do that, then they are destined to have to live with what THEY created!!

I agree. You picked him/her.

danez71
February 5, 2014, 12:20 PM
Along the lines of a few other posts......


Telling her its an inanimate object is as effective her telling you its an inanimate object.

After all, if its just an object, why are you so putting it so high on your priority list?

The answer is because she, nor you, truly believe its the equivalent of dryer lint.


When you tell her that's its an inanimate object... or if she said that to you... what is really happening is that her ( and is she said it to you, your) feelings/value system/perception is being trivialized.


You need to address her emotions and THEE WORST WAY to do it is to trivialize them.

When I met my wife should was neutral but leaned anti. She accepted the 2A but she didn't really understand why people needed/wanted guns outside of police and military. She was visibly nervous if a gun was outside the safe. But that's not the case anymore.

My wife is proof that her perception can be changed. I did it over years with facts that addressed her emotions while not trivializing her emotions.


Remember, her feelings are as valid as yours even if they are misguided. If you think otherwise, you're in a bad spot all the way around.


You need to address her feeling by 1st acknowledging that guns are far more dangerous than drier lint and therefore also acknowledging that her feelings are as valid as yours.

Once that happens, striking a balance is already 1/2 way done.


To anser your question....
My wife doesn't know the exact # I have however, she doesn't ask either.

BUT... she has also known every time I have bought or sold a gun.

wally
February 5, 2014, 12:32 PM
THE QUESTION: If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated, even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?

In my case its moot, as she did the database of my inventory for insurance purposes. As to what guns and ammo I buy, she doesn't ask me, and I don't ask her how much she spends at the hair & nail salons. :)

Separate spending accounts is the first step on the road to martial bliss :).

mavracer
February 5, 2014, 12:57 PM
My wife knows how many guns I have, well she could get real close heck I'd have to stop and add it up.
It would seem to me you have two separate issues that you need to address.
One Is the wifes feelings toward guns the second is your trust issue. I can help with that.
If you don't trust her enough to be honest you're probably not going to stay married, when you get divorced the courts will let her know what your assets are including how many guns you own. It's a lot easier and cheaper to be honest.

tdstout
February 5, 2014, 01:06 PM
Short and simple answer is to tell her. As long as she doesn't try to hold it over your head, then there's no reason not to tell her.

Highcaliber
February 5, 2014, 01:35 PM
I'm a lucky man. My wife likes the shooting sports. I quit counting HER guns after about dozen or so. But more to the point , NO SECRETS in a lasting relationship. Interests don't always need to be shared, but info about those "interests" should never be withheld.

I can find half-truths and lies of omission on the street, I don't want ANY of that in our household. 32 years together and counting. YMMV. ;)

berettaprofessor
February 5, 2014, 02:49 PM
Apparently, she is placing guns ahead of you also.


This. Time to draw a line, buddy, for better or worse, or throw in the towel. I have a friend who had everything he wanted in life, married late and in haste, and is slowly losing everything because he married a pouter who never, ever compromises. It's a sad thing to watch.

claiborne
February 5, 2014, 03:00 PM
"Sometimes the juice ain't worth the squeeze"

Truer words I have never seen!

bandur60
February 5, 2014, 03:23 PM
Post #33 & #42 hint at what I don't see in the OP --- you haven't been FORBIDDEN to add to your "inventory", wife just wants to know when you buy another "asset." Where's the objection?

Montana boy, going on 34 years with a Long Island girl --- I buy guns, she buys recipe books; guess which we have more of?

Other than those comments, no advice as such from this corner.

Calibre44
February 5, 2014, 03:35 PM
As far as my wife knows ... evry gun I buy strangely costs 100. She never questions it because she's not interested which suiits me fine:)

Old Dog
February 5, 2014, 03:52 PM
larry1108 in post #23 made a point that bears discussion -- it may not be all about the guns, but rather, if you're keeping one facet of your life somewhat secretive, are there other secrets out there?

My wife doesn't particularly care if I buy another expensive gun, but if I don't disclose this, and she finds out later without me having volunteered the information, she almost immediately goes into to the "What other stuff are you keeping from me?" mode ...

holdencm9
February 5, 2014, 04:12 PM
My wife and I have a don't ask don't tell policy now, and separate checking accounts for vices and personal hobbies. She gets her lattes and massages, I get my guns and ammo. :cool:

However, right after we got married she asked about "the number." Of course this means something different to gun owners than the general population. She had always known I had more than a few, and is/was fine with it, although has never shown much interest in shooting, but she was just curious about the number. I told her. (It's not even that big a number)

When she picked her jaw up off the floor though she kind of chuckled and said something to the effect of "why do you need that many?"

This is the crux of the issue. Like you said, having 30 guns in the home, in a safe, is no more dangerous than having 3. But a lot of people just don't understand our passion for the various makes and models, and how each one has its own history and unique design and they are like tools...there is always one right tool for the job. So the question is why do you need so many? Are you some kind of gun NUT?!? They just don't understand, and maybe never will. It would help if your wife collected something--anything--that you could make the comparison.

If you try to explain why they interest you it may help, or maybe not. My wife still kind of rolls her eyes when she sees me on THR constantly, or looking at the latest Cabelas flyer, but she knows they aren't going anywhere and I don't spend our shared pool of money on my hobby. I'm sure she'd rather I spend less on guns and shooting and more on her, but what woman wouldn't? Just don't brag to her about how awesome your new $1400 AR is, and then get her a cheap knockoff piece of jewelry for Valentines day! ;)

clamman
February 5, 2014, 04:17 PM
Me, no wife, lotsa guns. Me happy.:neener::neener::neener:

1911 guy
February 5, 2014, 04:25 PM
Re-read Sam's post, #7.

Then read it yet again. This is sound advice. Your wife has taken what seems to be a "no compromise" stand and stated the argument in a way that puts all the chips on her side of the table.

You need to take a stand now, make it plain that the argument is NOT one sided. No need to pull the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" routine, but that you will not accept her "mothering" you and treating you as a lesser partner in the marriage. She is your wife, not your supervisor, boss or superior.

Most marriages go through something like this, the exact issue varies. What it boils down to is the desire of the female of the species to rule the roost. She'll attempt to put her foot down. If you accept it, you're done as the head of your home. Demand treatment as an equal. She'll gripe and moan that you don't love her, then she'll accept it. Or leave. Depends on how much of a control freak she is. Seriously.

Doubt me? Ask any of your friends or family who have been married for more than a couple years. Guns is just a secondary issue. The tenor of your marriage will be set by your actions and how you respond to her.

buck460XVR
February 5, 2014, 04:31 PM
Seems to me there is more to this than just "guns". That said, my wife knows when I buy a new gun and I would never even consider not telling her. That does not mean I need permission to buy one. Our relationship is based on trust and our decision to marry was also based on this. We also knew each others priorities in life and their similarity is what brought us together. That doesn't mean we exactly mirror each others opinions and interests, but it does mean we respect them. If guns are an important part of your life and are a major concern of your wife, then you folks need to figure it out. No one here really has the solution...just lots of different opinions. What works for others don't make it right, just means it works for them. Does not make it the solution to your problem. Again if this is an issue, then hiding or not talking about it is NOT the solution. Somehow you need to find a common ground and a happy medium. Your wife already accepts that you have X-amount of firearms, is one or two more worth more to you than her? How much would her finding out you have been lying to her mean to your relationship. Whether you want to accept it or not, this is what it comes down to.

il.bill
February 5, 2014, 04:35 PM
Of course you tell her if she wants to know - she is your wife, your partner for life, isn't she?
As stated before, I see nothing in the original post saying that she wants to control, or limit, or have veto power over your firearm purchases. Truth, and not secrecy, is a basis for a rewarding and lasting relationship. You might want to honestly explain to her how this issue makes you feel.

Arkansas Paul
February 5, 2014, 04:40 PM
Me, no wife, lotsa guns. Me happy.

You just haven't found the right one friend.
I've got a wife, a bunch of guns and me happy too.

They key is to choose wisely. ;)

kvtcomdo
February 5, 2014, 04:43 PM
First, I never like the 'guns are just inanimate objects.' That is way too narrow of an argument and one that will not resinate with someone who is anti. They understand it cannot shoot itself. They are not stupid.

Second, guns are worth money. You can die. She needs to know what they are worth in case you die. Thats why my wife knows. I have a list with costs and values that I update a couple of times a year. I also have an FFL guy that is one of my best friends in the world. I have a couple marked that I want to keep in the family. The rest she can dispose of as she pleases. But she has to know what they are worth.
I'm not so sure.

Most believe it has mystical powers that will make you want to harm somebody.

kvtcomdo
February 5, 2014, 04:45 PM
Of course you tell her if she wants to know - she is your wife, your partner for life, isn't she?
As stated before, I see nothing in the original post saying that she wants to control, or limit, or have veto power over your firearm purchases. Truth, and not secrecy, is a basis for a rewarding and lasting relationship. You might want to honestly explain to her how this issue makes you feel.


I'll go with this.

SC Shooter
February 5, 2014, 04:48 PM
I say this as a result of being married 45 years. Don't lie to her and place her above all else. That doesn't mean you can get what you want, just do it with the idea that your toys are not as important as your wife. In other words, you have to work harder for your toys. If you are not up to it, they are not worth it.

brboyer
February 5, 2014, 04:54 PM
My wife tried to start some of the same stuff early in our marriage. I told her I had guns before I met you and will continue to purchase as many and as often as I can when it does not impact out financial obligations.

I did not allow her innate female control needs to take hold in our marriage.

After that discussion, I never asked for her permission to spend money and she never asked me when she was going to spend money. We were both adults and knew the finances, that was settled.

Sure, I'd tell her when I bought something, but more in a manner of "Look how cool is this!" She would do the same. She came home with a new car one day! Did not ask me beforehand. ;)

Sometime she will ask "why so many?" Then I go into excruciating detail why I need so many 9mm handguns, 38 and .357 revolvers, 1911's, different rifle types, shotguns, etc. That only lasts a few seconds before she gets bored and says, "Just keep the list updated so I know where they all are and how much they are worth so I can dispose of them properly after you die!" :scrutiny:

Life is good, she buys what she wants (either for the grand-kids, me or herself), I buy what I want (either for the grand-kids, her or myself).

We've been married over 30 years now. :D

ngnrd
February 5, 2014, 05:06 PM
Yeah... I can't help. My wife just wants to know where my inventory/value spreadsheet is so she knows what all to look for - and what kind of a price tag to put on it at the estate sale - if I die before her.

tnxdshooter
February 5, 2014, 05:07 PM
Better get an attorney lined up.

+ infinity. I see divorce on the horizon.

230RN
February 5, 2014, 05:08 PM
Women's "networks" are different from men's, and they are easily influenced by other women in these networks. All the guys in the above posts who've been married for long periods must be aware of this.

It sounds to me like she discussed the issue within her network or coterie at some point and someone put the bug in her head that anyone with that many* guns must be a bit of a nut case.

So her upbringing and "uncomfortableness" was brought to the fore, and I suspect it's really just little old you "against" that group.

That's how it sounds to me. And the next time you buy a "Guh-uhn!" :what: it will be brought up in her social group and more fretting will occur.

The question now is, is it more advantageous to get a divorce in the US, or where you're stationed?

Tough words on my part, and far be it from me to encourage divorce, but that's the way I see it.


* Insert any number greater than 2 here.

scythefwd
February 5, 2014, 06:01 PM
Sure... Then again I tell her every thing. When I get a new gun, she is shown how to clear it before it ever sees ammo.

hso
February 5, 2014, 06:16 PM
If she didn't have any problem with you owning/buying/shooting firearms before ask why the change and what the basis for it is? If she resorts to the "you're putting guns before me" claim point out that she's the one that did this and not you since she's the one that changed the parameters. If she isn't trying to control you then why would she care what you did with your personal money as long as it didn't impact the family finances?

Perhaps her concern is borne out of not having been able to find a job and having been dependent upon you for money. Put yourself in her shoes, figuratively, and consider how your ego would be bruised by being dependent upon her for any/every penney you spent? Would you try to exert some control and would you potentially make emotional decisions based on that?

Teachu2
February 5, 2014, 06:18 PM
+ infinity. I see divorce on the horizon.

50% chance - just like any other modern marrage. My first went six weeks, second is 25 years and going strong.

pharmer
February 5, 2014, 06:19 PM
My wife and I have separate accounts and also a joint account. Joint account is for "living expenses" personal is for "stuff." I will account for buying stuff, if asked. No secrets. As soon as you can, buy a nice safe to keep your weapons. I guarantee a lot of that "fear" will lift. Gradually acclimate her to having a SD weapon at the ready. Women want to feel "safe" (even though "safe" is an illusion). Joe

Potatohead
February 5, 2014, 06:26 PM
It is always risky to ask for, give, or TAKE marital advice from strangers, especially those who are passionate about something, and especially over the 'net.

But, hey, it's free, right? ;)

My take on it is indeed a little like the "line in the sand" comment. What you do right now sets how your life will be from now on. If this is going to be a PROBLEM let it be one NOW, face it, deal with it, and move past it one way or the other. It only gets worse and harder later and comes with more collateral damage.

What would I do, and what have I done? Something like this:

"Sweetheart, this is part of what I do and part of me being me. I have no desire to keep anything from you and will tell you anything you have a desire to know about me. I'm not going to stop doing what I do or being me the way I am, so only ask me about my interests if you actually care about them and want to enjoy my enthusiasm for them. Don't ask so that you can have a lever over me to try to change me or stop me from doing what I love to do. It won't happen and will only cause both of us a lot of pain and sadness.

I am never going to put "things" over you in my heart, and part of why I love you is that I don't believe you would put "things" over me in your heart either. Decide today if this issue is important enough to you to wedge us apart. Tell me that now. If it is -- if you cannot be happy with me being me this way -- I need to know that. Otherwise, this needs to be the last time you ask me to give up something I'm passionate about. A good spouse encourages his or her partner in their pursuits of happiness. I promise to do that for you, I want you to promise to do that for me."


Then follows the "pregnant silence" where you will know -- pretty instantly -- how it is going to be.

Unfortunately, while what you discover in that next moment might be very good, it also might be very bad. If her reply is a squirm, a dodge, or a refutation of your points, then you know something very sad and dark about your relationship, and you'll need to think very hard about what you should do about that. Decades are spent in many couples' lives in great pain over the kinds of grasping, controlling, fear and bitterness that now threatens yours. You two either need to completely excise this tumor now or you will feel the pain of it constantly for your whole married lives.
Sam,
Your like Ghandi or somethin around here.

We're not worthy! We're not worthy! (in my best Wayne and Garth voice)

Potatohead
February 5, 2014, 06:28 PM
It's also possible that she's immature. I've dated girls who thought they should be the most important thing in my life

+uno

Potatohead
February 5, 2014, 06:31 PM
Better get an attorney lined up.
LOL
I thought the same thing when I read this:Her, now in tears:"You're placing guns before me. You make me feel like I can't trust you because you don't want to tell me when you buy a gun.

gym
February 5, 2014, 06:34 PM
I don't ask my wife how much money she made, "when she works", I don't ask her what she buys, or how many pairs of shoes she has. I have never questioned what she purchased what she bought, "as long as we have the money", nor do I want to know.
Therefore I have no intention of telling her what I have as far as guns go, or gun related accessories including ammo. If she gets "pissey" with me once in a while, I just don't answer her, or tell her "I had a lot more before I met you".
One must keep certain things private. It works better that way. You don't want to be too honest about money with your spouse, or you will find yourself having to account for every nickel you spend, and that isn't happening.
Mine was completely immune to firearms until a few years ago, when money got tight, and she started asking me why I needed this and that, I simply said for the same reason you need a closet full of shoes and clothes that still have tags on them from 2 years ago. Because I want them. Her kids are grown with kids of their own and the men their spouses are not the least bit interested in guns, other than to ask me if they are locked up "which of course they are" when my 4 grandaughters are around.
I have a feeling the girls are going to be more interested than their parents were.

danez71
February 5, 2014, 06:59 PM
What it boils down to is the desire of the female of the species to rule the roost

While true with some, I don't think so with most.

At the risk of sounding sexist (which this isn't), women have a more nurturing side to them.

"Guns are dangerous. I don't even know how many guns there are in the house.....This must be fixed. I can change him."


Its often a nurturing motherly side coming out. Its actually a trait you want if you want kids.

But you must teach her that its nothing that needs to be fixed or changed because you already take the necessary steps to keep the family safe.

And that will never happen if you trivialize her feelings.

readyeddy
February 5, 2014, 07:06 PM
Tell her the truth, then deal with the consequences. If you withhold the information, then she has a reason to not trust you and the marriage may suffer. Jut tell her, then have the discussion about gun ownership and safety. Your marriage may end after the talk about your guns, but your marriage will have a better chance at survival if she at least feels she can trust you.

kimberkid
February 5, 2014, 07:16 PM
Make her comfortable. Take her shooting as much as she will go. A relationship with even the slightest bit of secrecy will implode eventually.
This ^
My wife doesn't shoot but she doesn't care one way or the other about guns either ... she knows when I buy or trade for something new, about how many I have, what they are worth, anything she asks, I tell her ... I hide nothing and we've never had a problem.

As mentioned above, sometimes it's just not worth it.

RetiredUSNChief
February 5, 2014, 07:42 PM
THE QUESTION: If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated, even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?

If my wife wanted to know, then I'd tell my wife.

However, if I do not agree with her reasoning, I'll tell her that, as well.

Married life isn't about always agreeing and getting along together. That's a pipe dream and that pipe isn't packed with tobacco.

Marriage, contrary to popular belief amongst the young/idealistic, isn't something that "just works out". It's something that requires hard work if both people are to truly make good on the vows they exchanged to "blah, blah, blah, 'til death do you part".

I've told my wife many times over the years that I did not marry her because we agreed on everything and I look to her as the balance in my life that keeps me on an even keel because of that.

All that said...there are also boundaries in marriages, too, and each marriage is different that way. Unless there can actually be demonstrated that there is something harmful to the marriage, sometimes one partner just needs to bite the bullet. What's harmful to the marriage needs to be settled between the couple and varies somewhat.

There is a matter of respect here on the part of both of you. You need to respect her concerns about your guns AND she needs to respect who you are and what guns mean to you. There's a level of maturity required for this.

Sometimes both people just need to agree to disagree and move on without dwelling on matters any further.


And quite frankly, if my wife ever used a phrase like "You're placing guns before me. You make me feel like I can't trust you because you don't want to tell me when you buy a gun. If it makes me feel comfortable, why does it matter?" it would flip the "give a darn" switch off for me. It could be about anything, not just guns.

Why?

Because it's manipulative and a guilt trip and I don't do either of those things. My wife was quite aware of this long before we married because it was a major issue in my first marriage.

How did my wife deal with me on some things that I didn't like? In her own, everloving words:

"Get over it."

Wise woman, my wife.

;)

76shuvlinoff
February 5, 2014, 07:54 PM
I came into our marriage with guns, she knew that up front. After 26 years I don't know if my wife knows the exact gun tally, I don't think she cares that much. Guns are not her thing but we have shot together and will again.

We also have separate accounts and we each have a general idea of how much is in each, we share the bills based on the percentage each brings home. Major purchases are well discussed, if they fall into the "extra" or "toy" category that comes out of the account of the receiver, this includes automobiles. I never hide a gun purchase, she never complains about a gun purchase.

Happy wife, happy life...... Unless she loves horses. :D

Gun Master
February 5, 2014, 08:11 PM
If my wife wanted to know, then I'd tell my wife.

However, if I do not agree with her reasoning, I'll tell her that, as well.

Married life isn't about always agreeing and getting along together. That's a pipe dream and that pipe isn't packed with tobacco.

Marriage, contrary to popular belief amongst the young/idealistic, isn't something that "just works out". It's something that requires hard work if both people are to truly make good on the vows they exchanged to "blah, blah, blah, 'til death do you part".

I've told my wife many times over the years that I did not marry her because we agreed on everything and I look to her as the balance in my life that keeps me on an even keel because of that.

All that said...there are also boundaries in marriages, too, and each marriage is different that way. Unless there can actually be demonstrated that there is something harmful to the marriage, sometimes one partner just needs to bite the bullet. What's harmful to the marriage needs to be settled between the couple and varies somewhat.

There is a matter of respect here on the part of both of you. You need to respect her concerns about your guns AND she needs to respect who you are and what guns mean to you. There's a level of maturity required for this.

Sometimes both people just need to agree to disagree and move on without dwelling on matters any further.


And quite frankly, if my wife ever used a phrase like "You're placing guns before me. You make me feel like I can't trust you because you don't want to tell me when you buy a gun. If it makes me feel comfortable, why does it matter?" it would flip the "give a darn" switch off for me. It could be about anything, not just guns.

Why?

Because it's manipulative and a guilt trip and I don't do either of those things. My wife was quite aware of this long before we married because it was a major issue in my first marriage.

How did my wife deal with me on some things that I didn't like? In her own, everloving words:

"Get over it."

Wise woman, my wife.

;)
Hey Chief! You have 'um good medicine.

I am at the stage of my (our) lives, that she says, "I don't know what to do with all of these things, if (should be "when") something happens to you." She has a good point. She is not being unfeeling. I have no doubt she loves me, but what would she do?

I told her I had a book showing description, & serial #, with value and dated, and where the book is. I was truthful, as I always try to be.:)

buckhorn_cortez
February 5, 2014, 08:22 PM
I won't tell you what I think you should do. What I will do, is tell you is that in my life, my wife is in charge of keeping a spreadsheet with a description of the guns with serial numbers so that we can track them for insurance purposes.

She also owns eight of the guns herself, shoots action pistol, and helps the local gun club with the "Women's Introduction to Pistols" class 2x a year. Best of luck to you...

taraquian
February 5, 2014, 08:42 PM
When my wife and I got married one of the few things I sorted out before the vows was my 'car' situation. When she moved in there were 7 cars on my property, in various states of (dis) repair, and she was fine with it. She was fine with it because I had told her ' I'm a car guy, I will always have a few cars around. I will make sure the bills are paid and you have a car that's reliable, but after that I'm buying parts and/or more cars.'

I tell you that because it is a similar experience but not involving guns, and because in both my wifes and my previous marriages had been plagued by fights over cars. You need to address this now no matter if its a control issue or a gun issue or a finance issue, or you WILL need that attorney.

My advice is just tell her about your purchases, all of them, not just guns. (that's because I think a wife marries you wallet and all). Just make sure she knows your not going to stop buying gun stuff.

My wifes advice is to sit her down and find out what the REAL issue is, she seems to think its not about the guns at all and there is a storm brewing.

BTW my wife is happy I got into guns as they don't take up as much space :)

DammitBoy
February 5, 2014, 08:51 PM
Why don't you trust your wife?

If you did trust her, you'd have no problem telling her how many you have and when you buy one.

sniper5
February 5, 2014, 08:52 PM
Weeeelll, sounds like mine when I got married. She put up with my habit because she loved the rest of me. Then after many years of marriage and trips to the range with me to keep me company (never touched one), I got a C&R and bought my first rifle under permit (an Ishapore 2A). So I was reassembling it one day after it had been a bucket of parts and springs and I asked: "So I'm being serious, I'm not making fun, because I really want to know. What part, what spring, what screw takes it from being a bucket of junk and makes it evil and gives it a personality? Because I don't understand it." Her little squirrel ran in it's cage and she said "Uh, it's just a machine".

Fast forward about 6 months, getting ready for a trip to the range: "You know, you have a standing invitation anytime you want to go and shoot with me." Her: "Well I feel like I don't know anything and I will hurt somebody or embarass myself." Me: "Oh, if you really would like to try it, we can do gun kindergarten. Everybody starts from the same place." Went to the range, rented a .22 revolver. Started with gun safety, stance, grip, sight picture, trigger control, skip drill, big target, short range, LOTS of positive encouragement at every baby step. Came home from the range and she is sitting there on the sofa with a puzzled look on her face. I said: "What's up?" She: "I had lots of fun, but there's this voice in my head telling me I wasn't raised this way so I'm not supposed to enjoy this." I said:"Tell that voice to shut up or you will miss out on a lot of fun in life."

Fast forward to today: She shoots a .357 mag revolver and keeps hers available for defense. She also owns a .22 rifle, and a 20 ga Semi shotgun. She shoots pistol, rifle, trap, and a little skeet. She burns through about 5000 rounds of pistol ammo a year and is constantly saying: "We have Saturday off together, wanna go to the range."

Just my story.

stevek
February 5, 2014, 09:34 PM
[QUOTE]I'm a lucky man. My wife likes the shooting sports. I quit counting HER guns after about dozen or so. But more to the point , NO SECRETS in a lasting relationship. Interests don't always need to be shared, but info about those "interests" should never be withheld./QUOTE]

My situation, and sentiments as well.

RetiredUSNChief
February 5, 2014, 09:38 PM
Hey Chief! You have 'um good medicine.

I am at the stage of my (our) lives, that she says, "I don't know what to do with all of these things, if (should be "when") something happens to you." She has a good point. She is not being unfeeling. I have no doubt she loves me, but what would she do?

I told her I had a book showing description, & serial #, with value and dated, and where the book is. I was truthful, as I always try to be.:)

Therein lies the need for a will, my friend! Put it all in writing and be done with it. Then it's all about executing the will when you're gone, neat and simple.

:)

Gun Master
February 5, 2014, 09:38 PM
Agreed.:)

Racinfan83
February 5, 2014, 09:41 PM
My wife loves to shoot as well. She knows how many guns I/we have. (I think ;) ) I don't always tell her RIGHT AWAY when I get another one - but eventually I do. Sometimes I find a good deal on a gun when we are kinda financially strapped - so I wait awhile til times are better to let her know. I also recently bought one and purposely didn't tell her as I wanted to see if she noticed I was carrying it. Went out several times and she never noticed. So I figure it is definitely concealed well enough that nobody would know...

horsemen61
February 5, 2014, 09:48 PM
That's a tough one I'm not sure how to answer that

sniper5
February 5, 2014, 09:51 PM
Mine did look in the safe once and saw a recently acquired Mosin Nagant M44 and asked where that came from. I said "Well it's a long story but I guess over the winter the M91/30 and the M39 made friends. . ." She got a good laugh out of that and rolled her eyes.

12131
February 5, 2014, 09:52 PM
the foundation of marriage is trust and communication. Both are needed in this case.
Case closed.

Mike J
February 5, 2014, 09:56 PM
Even if I know it will upset my wife when I buy a gun I tell her. I just figure it's best to keep everything out in the open. If she gets mad about anything then she lets me know. We work it out & get past it. As long as everything else is taken care of she doesn't really mess with me about it. The last gun I bought she asked, "why do you need that?" I told her I didn't need it I wanted it. She didn't say another word about it.

RetiredUSNChief
February 5, 2014, 10:04 PM
If it's just a matter of collecting things and spending money, that's a game my wife wouldn't want to start with me.

We have a 400 square foot storage area...and it's PACKED full of junk. If I were to pull every item of mine out of that storage area, you wouldn't notice a bit of difference.

When it comes to collecting junk (and the money that goes into it), we both know who is the master of that and it ain't me.

:)

22-rimfire
February 5, 2014, 11:05 PM
My wife does not know how many firearms I own. I don't either for that matter. I also don't know how much ammo I have, how many fishing rods, how many power tools, and so forth that I own. The number doesn't matter unless you are really struggling financially and she feels your firearm or hobby interests are more important to you than the common interest (aka her).

It will get worse with children. At that point, you will be selling off stuff and putting everything under lock and key because "they're dangerous".

She needs to believe that the common interest is more important to you than your personal interests. This can only happen through discussions, example, and time together. She may feel better once she is working as well. Or it will provide the security she needs to end the marriage if things don't change quickly.

slumlord44
February 5, 2014, 11:19 PM
Lots of good discussion here. You are young. No kids. At this stage she needs to know and hiding things won't help. My advise is to be honest and take it slow as far as accumulating a large collection at this time. The investment factor is important. Due to inflation you will hardly ever lose money on a good firearm. Make it clear that if things get tight you can cash out a gun or two. Most women have tons of clothes and jewelry. As her what kind of return she will get on anything else you own if you have to sell it to raise money. I am in a totally different situation than you and love it. Been married for 37 years. Kids grown and gone. We also keep separate finances. Wife has no clue as to what I own. Don't ask don't tell is my plan. She asks I tell her. Hardly ever asks. Knows I have a lot of guns and that they are an asset when I am gone. Have that all covered. Living with another person is and will always be a challenge. Good luck!

jfrey
February 5, 2014, 11:56 PM
My wife knows exactly how many guns I own because she has had a hand in buying most of them. I know how many diamond rings and earrings she has too because I bought them.
This is the second marriage for both of us and we know honesty is the best policy. Both of our names are on the checking account and if we can afford it we get what we want and neither one of us complains.

To the OP, I think your wife is just trying to find something to get upset about. Tell her the truth and get it over with, then go on with your life. She will get over it or she won't. That is up to her.

Vol46
February 6, 2014, 12:04 AM
My guess ( I don't know either of you, so it's just a guess) - It is not about the guns. It is about trust, being open & trusting your spouse enough to " play all your cards face up", & maybe about how a marriage should become more about sharing & less about " mine & yours", maybe a little about score keeping if the balance of " stuff" is a little lopsided.
A judge will probably split everything right down the middle if it gets to that. If you care about this person, open up & find out what the real issue is before it goes that far.

788Ham
February 6, 2014, 12:17 AM
My wife and I have been married for 37 years, both had been married before. Kids all grown and gone, just 2 dogs to help keep us sane. My wife knew before we married, that I had guns, didn't know what kind, rifle, revolver, etc, didn't care. One thing we've done from the start, always be honest, never lie to the other, don't hide a thing from the other mate. I'm retired, she's worked about 20 years of our marriage, now working part time, we share bank account, no problems there. If she wants something, clothing wise, she gets it, same for me. We both share a fun thing about Vegas, if winnings gotten, its yours, unless a huge amount won, but thats never happened. It has been known the last 2 times out there, that the penny slots have been very kind to me, $2195 the first time, $3500 the last time. This money goes towards my ammo, reloading items, has also provided a couple of nice revolvers from a local pawn, she knew about both of them. The only thing she's said since I got those revolvers, "Can we go to the range when it gets warmer?" My point : You need to stop the hiding of things you buy, you'll get caught, you'll never live it down, and one other thing, "You'll have to look that guy in the eyes every morning when you shave and brush your teeth !" Resolve it, or you'll lose it !

Kurt S.
February 6, 2014, 01:43 AM
Kalashinkovkid, you asked a question. I am 64 years old, been married 3 times, here's my answer to your specific question If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated, even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?

ANSWER: Yes, absolutely.

However: put me on the list of members who said "get a lawyer". If Cupcake has issues that serious with anything you do, sooner or later it's gonna go from guns to whatever else it is you do that makes her think you don't love her better than anything else in the whole wide world.

Question for you is, how much of this silliness can you take? For me, it's turned out that I can hold my breath a long, long, time!

And be nice, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Or be prepared to lose everything and move a long way away.

Perhaps a testosterone-reducing medication might help.

allin
February 6, 2014, 05:31 AM
Suggestion. Rent a small offsite storage locker. Make sure it is a secure, well attended, clean facility. Should have lights and heat, possibly water if available. Insulate rented locker well. Make positively sure that no flooding or moisture problems exist with location. Buy umbrella insurance policy to protect any and all contents of locker. Install maximum security locks and cameras. Add a few pieces of comfortable furniture for use when in locker.
PUT WIFE IN LOCKER! We all deserve our own space! Keep firearm collection safely at residence would suggest a safe to prevent theft.
Let me know how this works out, have similar issue, and looking at many options.

GBExpat
February 6, 2014, 07:23 AM
THE QUESTION: If you're spouse wanted to know whenever you bought a new gun for the reasons my wife stated (don't know those reasons as I skipped to the Question as the OP suggested), even if you've agreed to have separate checking accounts as long as mutual expenses are paid for, you make sure all needs are provided for, and you give to the other person liberally, would you also provide this information?
Yes I would.

I see this as another in a series of My-Wife-Hates-Guns Cautionary Tales. Guys, before you decide to marry a particular young lady you really should determine her opinions/feelings on key subjects; kids, religion, smoking, drinking, guns, etc.

evan price
February 6, 2014, 07:38 AM
Your wife is your partner. There should be no secrets between you two. While she may be uncomfortable around guns, that doesn't mean she can prevent you from owning them. It's your job to safely and patiently educate her. You may need to buy a less 'scary' gun to help her start shooting. Once she understands that a gun = a tool and becomes a bit more comfortable, then you can get her to understand that no matter what a gun looks like it is the same, a tool.
The worst thing you can do is lie or use disambiguation. If she can't trust you, she won't trust you. And let me tell you that losing her trust is probably the worst thing you can lose. Ultimately this is your problem to resolve.

Reloadron
February 6, 2014, 07:42 AM
Telling wife how many guns you actually own

Kathy and I were married 24 years ago, we dated for 3 years. Kathy is not shooter. She does own a Walther PPK in .380 she will on occasion shoot and is familiar with the .45 used as a house gun but simply does not share the love of guns that I have. Her idea of a great day at the range with me is reading a good book. :) This is the second marriage for both of us and I had children from a previous marriage. My children are grown with children of their own. When the grandchildren were small she was animate that when they visited all guns were put up until they got older and understood guns.

She really has no interest in how many guns I own anymore than I have an interest in how many figurines she owns. She knows where the gun safe is and where the gun inventory is but really has no interest in my gun room or the contents. Her figurines reside in curio cabinets throughout the house. I have no clue what they are.

We both retired this past year and if I want to buy a gun or her something the only unwritten standing rule seems to be if something cost in excess of a grand we do tell each other. We are fortunate with our finances and far from destitute. If I happen to check out to the big range in the sky she knows who gets what and how to disposition my guns.

We have things we enjoy and share but guns is not one of them. Should she after all the years get curious she can open the safe and see what is in there beyond her jewelery and our important papers. Actually should she ever decide to do that I would much appreciate it if she would tell me how many guns I actually own because short of looking at the inventory list I don't have a clue. I do know I have one more than I had yesterday morning at this time because I bought one yesterday.

Ron

rdhood
February 6, 2014, 09:33 AM
First wife: I scuba dived, cycled, built RC Airplanes, WANTED guns, etc., etc., etc. By the end of that marriage, all I could do was cycle 2 hours on a Saturday morning. That women destroyed ALL of my hobbies, one by one. She couldn't even stand for me to exercise one hour by myself three times a week. She wanted complete control of our money and my time for her purposes.

Second wife: completely different. She is excited that I have built a few guns to uniquely fit her. She has done a couple of Appleseeds with me and can shoot. Yes, she says: do you really need another one? So I consider carefully new purchases. She is not into guns the way I am, but she is more than tolerant. I can also workout, build airplanes, and scuba dive (and finish the upstairs attic, and work on the house, etc).


To the OP: I heard stuff like that from my first wife. If she is willing to start drawing lines now to put restrictions on you ("you are choosing XXXXX over me?"), then it will only increase until she has made you over in the image that she has for you. Once you start capitulating to the "XXXX or me" argument, you have lost it all. Tell her how many guns you have. Get ALL of this business out in the open NOW, before you have kids, and let the chips fall where they may.

mattk
February 6, 2014, 09:34 AM
My wife knows exactly how many. Now there is some debate over who owns the Browning Hi Power Practical. Although. I owned before we met, she claims its hers.

Grassman
February 6, 2014, 09:34 AM
My wife really has no idea how many guns I have, and she doesn't really care. As long as she gets her bi monthly hair do, and weekly nail salon visit, she's happy.

RetiredUSNChief
February 6, 2014, 09:39 AM
Another historical note:

My wife and I are in our later 40's...at least until later this year, when one of us turns 50 (groan). In the years we've been married, my wife's opinions and views have changed pretty significantly on many things. In some ways, she's been a study of contrasts.

For example, politically speaking she was very liberal two decades ago...but her beliefs were traditionally conservative and family oriented. Like I said...a study in contrasts. Brought a great deal of frustration for a long while, until a brother of mine laughed at my frustrations and told me not to worry...her views will change as she grows, and she won't even realize it. True that.

Anyway, back in the first year of our marriage I remember some discussion we had with respect to guns and gun control. She had made a comment along the lines that she would turn my guns in under whatever circumstances we were discussing at the time. (She probably doesn't remember this conversation at all, now.)

I told her that if she was going to make a unilateral decision on something like that with respect to my property, then she might as well pack up and leave, too.

There is more at issue in something like this than just one's rights with respect to owning firearms. There is an element of explicit and implicit trust that MUST exist between a couple and you simply cannot violate that by unilaterally imposing your will at the expense of what the other holds dear or valuable. Whether that be with material property, matters of faith, emotionally, or whatever.

We have each put our foot down on various things...but even then it had to be worked out between the both of us.

You've evidently still very young in your marriage, and this is a time of great discovery, probably of some things the both of you SHOULD have already discovered before getting married. Regardless, use those first few years of marriage wisely to continue that path of discovery before you commit to starting your own family. In the eyes of your future children, the two of you should be one unified front. If you can't work this out, better you should discover this before complicating the picture with children.

Fremmer
February 6, 2014, 10:29 AM
I would tell you how to properly sneak new guns into your house to keep you out of trouble, but that would be too effective and it would constitute bad advice about marriage (on a firearms board, lol).

So I'll stick with advising lots of apologies and buying her stuff. It's worked for countless generations of husbands who cameth before thee.

buck460XVR
February 6, 2014, 11:04 AM
As I said in my first post....this is about more than guns. This is about trust and the respect of your partner and their values. The reason 50% of marriages fail is because folks don't consider this enough before they tie the knot and/or can't work their way thru it later on in the relationship. Because "puttin' your foot down" and "wearin' the pants in the family" works for some, don't mean it will work for all, especially because it doesn't necessarily respect the partner or their values...it probably just intimidates them and they accept it. This happens more so with folks who have the mindset that they will lose what they have by not submitting. This goes for both men and women.

Getting marriage advice from a gun forum is like getting reloading recipes from folks you don't know without verifying them with published manuals. Makes for good conversation, but isn't the smartest thing in the world.

Arizona_Mike
February 6, 2014, 12:11 PM
My wife passed away a couple years ago so it's not an issue for me right now. However, I don't even know how many guns I own.

Mike

hardluk1
February 6, 2014, 12:37 PM
My wife owns 7 of her own. She knows the safe code and most of her's are in there too and I don't care if she knows how many we have but she does have a running list with serial numbers in the bank CD box. .

W.E.G.
February 6, 2014, 12:40 PM
I'd be more worried if she knew I had as much free time as it had to take to write the OP.

Davek1977
February 6, 2014, 04:09 PM
I choose to be honest with my wife. If I can't be...I shouldn't have married her, is my way of thinking.

Zeeemu
February 6, 2014, 04:25 PM
Never mind.

bottom shelf
February 6, 2014, 06:09 PM
To answer your question directly, yes, even under those circumstances I would provide the information. I see no reason not to. Plenty of excuses not to, but no reason not to. If it would make her more comfortable, I'd do it.

What experience do I base that on? Getting married at the age of 18, and still being married 40 years later.

TUBBY1
February 6, 2014, 07:16 PM
I don't know the exact number of guns I have or have given to my sons, but the amount of ammo that I've aquired is more telling. I don't keep these things from my wife but after 40 years we know when it doesn't matter or shouldn't. Almost all has been at one time mentioned or aquired with funds squirreled away over a long time.she on the other hand can bring clothes or shoes with more regularity. The difference is I still have and use my (guns) purchases. Somethings are more timeless than fashion. If your relationship needs deceit your working to hard on something that's probably doomed anyway. Fess up but only if called out. Don't ask, don't tell.

scaatylobo
February 6, 2014, 09:12 PM
But I just avoided the mess you seem to have gotten into by explaining to my wives [ yes ,on # 3 now ] that I own guns and shoot and will continue to do so until I die.

If they had a problem with that they should have said so,and no they didn't.

Funny but I don't know the exact #,so pardon me if that is not shared.

witchhunter
February 6, 2014, 09:38 PM
I have never lied to my wife. We might argue, sometimes I win, sometimes she does. But I see trouble on your horizon like several others here. We have all had this happen and recognize the MO. The way I see it, I never lied, cheated or stole. I can hold my head up, no matter what happens. Good luck there youngster!

tompt
February 7, 2014, 12:45 AM
Show her this thread. You explained your perspective well. You seem like a careful analytical thinker, so I assume your wife is one too.

There's a lot of good stuff here. Anyone without a firearms background, who read it with an open mind, would come away with a better a understanding of firearm owners.

You asked friends for advice and it was provided. Lay it out for her to see. Full and without censors. Open, honest, communication doesn't always work, but it's the only that ever works in the long run.

Kurt S.
February 7, 2014, 02:21 AM
I'd like to clarify on my previous comment.
It is of vital importance that you be completely honest.
Cupcake may be the woman of your dreams. I hope so. Be honest and be willing to give up a lot of things, because I guarantee that you are going to face this, given your original posting.
You are in a great position as far as I am concerned. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders- you have an opportunity to decide what you want in a marriage and what you are willing to concede and compromise over.
Just be honest and be able to manage any anger that comes up. Yours and hers.

hso
February 7, 2014, 06:32 AM
At 5 pages of personal relationship advice, ranging from good to awful, there's not much that hasn't been said so there's not a lot of point of this thread going on.

Get professional counciling assistance, work it out yourselves, be dishonest, or let it fester. Yep, that about covers it.

If you enjoyed reading about "Telling wife how many guns you actually own" here in TheHighRoad.org archive, you'll LOVE our community. Come join TheHighRoad.org today for the full version!