The different types od IDPA shooters! (A joke thread)


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dukeofurl
May 11, 2004, 04:48 AM
This was an inspirational thing I found, and after one year of shooting IDPA and after becoming a match director I thought it was hilarious.

The Screamer

Why anyone cares: This is the person to point out at the match and who you use to make jokes about behind their back. Plus you get to point and laugh while under the sounds of gunfire.

Inside Information: Usually someone who took one of those combination IDPA/Womens Self Defense courses and considers themselves to be "Tactically Correct" in all instances of shooting anything. Usually a man with facial hair.

Telling Detail: An example of the sounds on a firing line after the load and make ready command.

RO: SHOOTER READY STANDBY
*beep*
Screamer/Shooter: LET GO OF MY PURSE! *runs to closest target and knees in the groin.

RO: SHOOTER READY STANDBY
*beep*
Screamer/Shooter: THIS IS MY VAGINA! *runs to closest target and knees in the groin.

RO: SHOOTER READY STANDBY
*beep*
Screamer/Shooter: NO MEANS NO! *runs to closest target and knees in the groin.

RO: SHOOTER READY STANDBY
*beep*
Screamer/Shooter: I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! *runs to closest target and knees in the groin.

What this all means: Lets not go there.

Knowing Comment: Anything you manage to come up with on the spot usually suffices.

Optional Wisecrack: Must be that time of the month....

Reassuring Fact: Spends too much time yelling and not enough time drawing the gun. Gives most shooters a marginal advantage.

The Gear Queer

Why anyone cares: This shooter is always swapping gear and can never get the combination of gear/skill right to a point where they can win a stage.

Inside Information: Reads the dawson precision catalog while dropping a deuce.

Telling Detail: Never shuts up about their latest gear/equipment acqusisiton. "One of these days I'm gonna get me the Glock with the 28 round clip."

Private Thought: Its MAGAZINE jackass.

Knowing Comment: His wife is going to kill him when she sees all the new charges from Dillon/Dawson/Whoever he's buying from this month.

Optional Wisecrack: Get me a sharpie and some Gold Dots, I've got a plan...

Reassuring Fact: Will never shoot the same gun twice. Gives most shooters someone to point out "overdoing it" to the novices.

The Old Guy

Why anyone cares: He's been through EVERYTHING. Plus he's an instant info machine on the new products from Dillon and the perfect .45 recipie.

Inside Information: Has more invested in his 1911 collection than his house. But wont admit it to the old lady.

Telling Detail: Never seen without a .45 on his belt as anything less is "unpatriotic" and will never be seen with a 9mm as "thats the damn Nazi caliber".

Reassuring Fact: A little arthritis and parkinsons setting in makes the old guy a little off what he used to be, but he still can hold his own with a government model. Might not win, but a consistent performer.

The Professional

Why anyone cares: Anyone who wins a national shooting title in anything and gets paid to shoot is worth watching with both eyes.

Why anyone REALLY cares: They're jealous.

Inside Information: Dry fired with a round in the chamber once 15 years ago. Never saw the cat again.

Telling Detail: Their shirt has the word "TEAM" on it followed with the name of any prominent firearm manufacturer. And this one isnt a knockoff.

Knowing Comment: This guy's good.

Optional Comment: This guy's damn good.

Reassuring Fact: You'll never catch The Professional, but sometimes you can get damn close. Always fun to watch and learn from. Usually a safe horse to bet on for HOA.

What to know when approaching The Professional: The Professional can be seen as a bit aloof, but most are pretty nice if you're respectful and dont drool too much.

The Brand Whore

Why anyone cares: They're annoying as all hell.

Not to be confused with: The Gear Queer.

Inside Information: Spends hours and hours on the internet at places like THR/GlockTalk/Any other gun forum getting information about why their gun is better than any others.

Inside Information Part II: Prints it out and reads it from the John. Lifetime subscription to that brands self-plugging trade magazine.

Telling Detail: Wont shut up about their preferred gun.

Private Thought: Please shut up about your preferred gun.

Knowing Comment: I shoot better than he does, and thats all that matters in my book.

Optional Wisecrack: Lets insult his gun and see what he does. I'll bet he goes ape on whats riding on my belt.

Reassuring Fact: Will never win the match because they'll always be changing to the newest model from their favorite brand.

The Caliber Fan

Why anyone cares: Everyone thinks The Caliber Fan would make a great target stand.

Inside Information: Spent all their expendable income on carry ammo for their favorite caliber from each manufacturer, including Black Talon.

Inside Information Part II: Paid $1 a round for a case of Black Talon

Telling Detail: Belives that everyone shooting a .45 should be entitled to one shot on each target and that IDPA should adopt Major/Minor classes. Never stops preaching about the .45 and its one shot stop capability, on in The Caliber Fan's mind - the one shot stop guarantee.

Private Thought: He's compensating for something.

Knowing Wisecrack: The ladies know what I'm talking about - he must be compensating for something.

Optional Wisecrack: The guys know what I'm talking about - he must be compensating for something.

Reassuring Fact: Spends all his money on .45 ammo and still cant get enough practice. To screw with him, tell him 9 is fine when he's on deck and watch him go ape.

The Smartass

Why anyone cares: Always good for a laugh. Think Rodney Dangerfield with an IDPA membership.

Inside Information: Thinks up witty retorts ahead of time and saves them for the match walkthrough.

Telling Detail: You're getting briefed on an IDPA stage that sets up like a cemetery and he says "Now these are zombies we're shooting, right?" This is also the same person that will go for the shoot through to get an A ring hit by grazing the no shoot in such a place that it dosent count against him but he still gets the hit.

Knowing Comment: I'm glad I dont have to live with him.

Optional Wisecrack: He's married? I cant stand him for 15 minutes, theres a woman out there that said "I do" without the promise of U.S. citizenship?

Reassuring Fact: This is the kind of shooter that will attempt to knock down 2 peices of steel with one shot. Thankfully, telekenesis dosent work for him.

The Foreigner

Why anyone cares: Taking advantage of the people that dont speak english is an american tradition.

Inside Information: Knows what we're talking about, but feigns not to in order to seem cool and collected. Usually succeeds.

Telling Detail: Dosent speak english.

Knowing Comment: How the hell does he not speak english. This is america.

Optional Wisecrack: Only if your range is politically in-sensitive.

Reassuring Fact: One of these days they'll get read the rulebook wrong and catch a procedural for not understanding the COF. A shame too, they ran the course clean.

The Reloader

Why anyone cares: Great example of "What not to turn into" after getting a Dillon 650.

Inside Information: Spends more time trying to figure out a recipie for the perfect group.

Inside Information Part II: Will never get there because he's never satisfied.

Telling Detail: Chronographs 18 different batches of rounds on match day, and has a notebook chocked full of FPS and group measurements.

Knowing Comment: I wonder how many sets of underwear this guy has...

Optional Wisecrack: Lets take bets on what type of powder he's using this week.

Reassuring Fact: Will never get their recipie right and has a 50/50 chance of blowing their gun apart with a squib.

The Match Director

Why anyone cares: He's the boss.

Inside Information: Has no life outside of the range. Has more friends there than from any type of social system like work, neighbors, school, etc. Wife is pissed at him for spending 7 days a week at the range before match day.

Inside Information Part II: After cleaning up brass from the range and saving it for 3 years, plans to either open a reloading business or turn all of it in to a reloading business in exchange for over 5000 rounds of loaded ammo.

Telling Detail: He's asking the questions during walkthrough that nobody ever thought of - and is getting answers.

Knowing Comment: I wonder if he shot this thing ahead of time....

Optional Wisecrack: With a score like that, he couldnt have shot this thing ahead of time.

Reassuring Fact: Piss him off by breaking the 180 or doing something equally stupid and you'll never forget it for the rest of your life.

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WhoKnowsWho
May 11, 2004, 10:20 AM
Pretty funny!

Jim Watson
May 11, 2004, 05:57 PM
I can add:

The Socialist:

"IDPA is not a non-profit organization. It is just a profit center for Bill Wilson and a sales program for Wilson guns."

So what is wrong with a successful business venture? If true; I don't see all that many Wilson guns in action. I have a Wilson barrel in a Colt, though.

The Operator:

"IDPA policy goes against my supersecret combat training. But I need the trigger time so I will just "take the procedurals"."

If you make that statement on my range you will get a FTDR the first time. Keep it up and I will just stop recording your scores. After all, you are only competing against yourself and you know when you are doing it right, right?

The IDPA STYLE Shooter: "I don't see any sense in a Tac Load. Why can't I fill my 15 round repair tubes up? Why can't I squat behind low cover? Whaddaya mean I can't wear a thigh holster?" Etc, etc.

I just hold him to the rules no matter how he whines and turn my earmuff volume down when he is in earshot.

Not necessarily a joke.

dukeofurl
May 11, 2004, 09:39 PM
Jim, I was going to create a type division that incorporated everything you named there titled "The Jackass" but I decided against it.

Jim Watson
May 12, 2004, 05:56 PM
Oh, no. I can tell them apart very readily.

OF
May 12, 2004, 06:26 PM
I've got one we've all been at one time:

"The Beaming Newbie"

Telling sign: ear to ear grin

Says: <almost stammering> "This is...without a doubt...the most fun I've ever had. When are we doing this again? Soon right??"

:D

- Gabe

CZ52GUY
May 17, 2004, 12:51 PM
"The Beaming Newbie"

Been there, still there, hope to stay there :D.

CZ52' (a.k.a. TBN :D)

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