[dev_null]

Note for the humor impaired: everybody picks on somebody... get over it.


Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"

[ojibweindian]

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

OMG THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

[BigG]

Ouch, that stings! I'm laughing so hard it hurts. That from a frog many times removed. :eek:

[SodaPop]

Can anyone else please post more insults about the french?

I love tearing up the french.

Anyone want to come over and watch some Monty Python??:D

[MrAcheson]

The French did not win the American Revolution. They spent so a lot, got a little, and embraced an ideology (freedom and liberty) that was utterly incompatibly with their form of government creating their own revolution. Tie.

You neglected to mention that in WWI, the US suffered higher casualty rates from both trench foot via muddy French ground and VD via nasty French whores than from German bullets. This gives rise to the third rule of French warfare "The best people to hurt are your allies, because they won't fight back."

[Oleg Volk]

Now, there's a lovely topic, all in keeping with the High Road principles...:rolleyes:

You forget the French contributions to the humanity...a scientific approach to chemisty (and eventually, smokeless powders), first truly popular photographic process (and photographic aerial recoinnissance)...tried to think of more but came up short. Anyone care to help me defend the indefensibles?

[moa]

Hey, I got some French "wins" for ya! The invasion of England in 1066 was roaring success. It is a bit tainted in that the Normans were in many cases off-spring of Norwegian Vikings.

In fact the Normans conquered quite a bit, and they were downright nasty.

And another one. The French defeated the Muslim army that invaded France in the 8th century. This one is a bit tainted to. The French were commanded by Charles (the Hammer) Martel, who was Frankish king. The Franks were originally of German descent.

[LRRPS]

Don't make fun of France,
You mentioned french defeats and forgot her victories?
What about the USA?
Only 200 years of civilisation, remember that the french helped you fight the english thus giving your independence.
Don't forget that you're not invincible. Vietnam is a remembrance.

LRRPS.

[dev_null]

I remind people that the first word of this entire thread is, and I quote, "HUMOR."

Are all the French-bashing threads factual? Of course not.
Does that detract from their humor for some? Of course not.
Might some find that un-PC? Sure.
Should that stop us...?

You forget the French contributions to the humanity...a scientific approach to chemisty (and eventually, smokeless powders), first truly popular photographic process (and photographic aerial recoinnissance)Chemistry, which began in the MiddleEast, was developed in France, Germany, and England, and much of the advancement in the last century has been here in the US. Fox-Talbot was an Englishman, Daguerre was French, Leitz was German, Eastman was American... and then there are the advancements by the Japanese... How much French film have you used lately, in how many French cameras?

But I digress...

...tried to think of more but came up short. Well, that speak volumes, doesn't it? ;)


Oleg, "your house, your rules." If we are to only say nice things about the snobby backstabbing socialists who want to blackmail us into taking their position on Iraq by refusing to help Turkey in clear violation of their NATO agreements, just let me know and I'll be as nice as I can be. :D

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[MrAcheson]

Smokeless (nitrocellulose) powder was invented by the DuPonts, Americans of French descent, not Frenchmen. The first time it was used in combat was against the French by the Germans in the Franco-Prussian War. I believe the Germans developed it independently though.

Harkening back to the days of Anton Lavoisier is not going to carry a lot of weight with me. Once again you are saying that France was a world power 200 years ago when it was ruled by a Corsican dictator. Incidentally most French science is directly attributable to military research grants made by Napoleon himself.

To be fair we fought against Britian and indirectly for France in the Napoleonic Wars (War of 1812). France still lost. For that matter most of the people fighting for France in the Napoleonic Wars were not French either.

[10-Ring]

That's FUNNY! Thanks...sometimes comic relief is just an ocean away :D

[FPrice]

"Anyone care to help me defend the indefensibles?"

Um.......

French fries?

French toast"

French kiss?

All I could think of.

[MrAcheson]

Hey I hadn't considered French Kissing...

Well in that case Viva la France! :D

[Dave R]

The French make some VERY good food.

But firearms? Chaut-chaut (sp?), MAS-36, 46, etc......

BTW, I think French fries and French toast are inventions of the USA. Like pizza. French kissing? Who knows?

Fun "history lesson". More!

[JPM70535]

In addition to all their other sterling qualities, let us not forget that the French manufacture perhaps the finest Automobile ever made. I refer of course to the fabulous "RENAULT"

[Oleg Volk]

Wasn't Lebel the first rifle using smokeless powder? The Germans were only the firs tto use bolt actions of indifferent performance (i.e. Martini beat Dreyse, IMO).

[dev_null]

I'll take my Krag-Jorgenson over a crate of Lebels, merci beaucoup. :p

JPM70535, you misspelled "Citroen." Glad to help. :evil:

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[MrAcheson]

Oleg, I stand corrected. Veielle (sp?), a frenchman, invented the first smokeless powder. It wasn't modern "cordite" powder though and was fairly weak.

The US patent for smokeless powder is held by one of the DuPonts though, I've visited the estate his family built with the proceeds :)

[jmbg29]

Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.You guys suck up to the socialist pig-dogs. I'm busy LMAO!:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

That was hysterical.

[50 Shooter]

I borrowed this.

[Mike Irwin]

"Smokeless (nitrocellulose) powder was invented by the DuPonts, Americans of French descent, not Frenchmen."

Incorrect.

The Du Ponts spearheaded smokeless powder in America, but the first successful smokeless rifle powder was developed by Paul Vieille about 1885.

"It wasn't cordite and was fairly weak."

Poudre B and Cordite were actually very similar in performance. Cordite was double-based -- nitrocellulose and nitroglycerine -- while Poudre B was single based, nitrocellulose only.

There's a good article on the Du Ponts in the Spring 1998 issue of Invention & Technology magazine.

[BigG]

Metric system, IIRC.

[jmbg29]

The two-handed military salute given as an honorific to opposing forces.:rolleyes:

[Correia]

Defend the French?

Uhmm....

Euro Disney?

Direct gas impingement?

[cuchulainn]

tried to think of more but came up short. Anyone care to help me defend the indefensibles?

Lots of good art, literature, music, etc. came out of France. If the U.S. were ever in a trans-Atlantic tiff with the French people over whether a new Iraqi painter was any good, I'd side with the French ;)

Bridget Bardot

The Statue of Liberty

Does giving Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce, Samuel Becket, etc. a place to write count?

The average flying speed of an African swallow while carrying a coconut.

[Blackhawk]

tried to think of more but came up short. Anyone care to help me defend the indefensibles? 1) Canning as a method of preserving food. AFAIK, Napoleon offered a prize for whoever came up with a method of safely storing food for later consumption during the early 19th Century. That's WHY we can buy cans of essentially tasteless green peas.

2) Food processors originally known as the Cuisinart.

Those two inventions give us great insight into the French psyche. Add a can or two of peas to a Cuisinart, turn it on, and we can immediately understand the French chant given with hands raised to heaven that is "Envisager Whirled Peas!"

[bad_dad_brad]

Agree except for the Napoleonic wars and World War I. The French pretty much kicked butt on land until Napoleon went too far. Lousy sailors though. And the French fought valiantly in World War I. They really did.

Oh, and they make really crummy cars as well.

[Don Gwinn]

Look, we all know this isn't factual. But it IS funny.

The French really did save us back in the Revolution. We didn't have a professional officer corps, and Washington, who ought to know, thought that the various foreign officers like Pulaski and Lafayette truly pulled our fat out of the fire and we'd have been lost without them. Apparently if you look into the founding of West Point you find that a lot of people (Jefferson among them) were violently opposed at first to creating a "military caste," but Washington was convinced we needed professional officers and cited the foreign examples as proof.

And they did fight well in WWI, but it wasn't a grand victories kind of war. It was a war in which defensive theories predominated so it ground to a halt. The introduction of fresh troops in large numbers from America tipped the scales, but it's dangerous to think we saved the French because we were so superior to them.

WWII. . . . well, look, I think it's like this. France built the Maginot Line, upon which the Germans would have smashed themselves to bits in the last war. It turned out not to be the solution for the next war, because suddenly the Germans were ever so mobile and able simply to go around the wall. That's easy to criticize now, but at the time. . . . how many times have we done the same thing? We all think fondly of the Garand as the old reliable warhorse, but our own Marine Corps refused to adopt it until they were in the thick of WWII. They were fighting the last war. Nobody would call the British losers at warfare, but they were ordering massed charges and cavalry movements against entrenched machine guns in WWI. Lee sent Longstreet's men on an attack that made them march uphill in the open in full view of artillery for a mile before the attack at Gettysburg! We've all done it.
Everyone makes fun of the French for surrendering so quickly. Are the Poles cowards too, then? The French lost because they weren't ready for the tactics of mechanized, high-speed warfare with lots of movement. The nature of the tactics dictated that the matter would be decided very quickly if Germany was successful, and they were. Were we ready? Would we have fared better? If the German mechanized divisions had started from, say, Niagara falls, would they have taken Washington in a matter of weeks? Might not have taken that long, with the shape we were in. But we had the opportunity to get our collective act together before we jumped into Europe against the Nazis. They didn't. I can't help but think that it was a good thing the Japanese didn't have the wherewithal to do something like that.

[Gary H]

What I like about France:

Jean Reno:
http://www.ists.pwr.wroc.pl/~adamd/leon/leon_02-02-over.jpg
"NATALIE PORTMAN: So what American pop culture do you like?

JEAN RENO: I like country music. Garth Brooks.

NATALIE PORTMAN: No way! Is he popular in France?

JEAN RENO: A little bit. He is fantastic. He shows that in America it is possible to do anything you want. You have all the possibilities. If you have an idea, it is possible to make the idea come alive. More than it is possible in France.

NATALIE PORTMAN: Why?

JEAN RENO: Because in France there are many rules. The government--they like to control everything. Politics, you know? But I don't talk French politics. I like being an actor.

NATALIE PORTMAN: So you stay out of politics?

JEAN RENO: Yeah, I am an actor. Dreams and scripts and people and ideas and art. What more could you want?"


http://www.besson.qc.ca/fr/leon_reno_portman.htmlhttp://www.ists.pwr.wroc.pl/~adamd/leon/leon2.jpg

[gburner]

The French have tree lined boulevards so the Germans will have shade to march in.

[Ron L]

Defend the indefensible? OK, I'll give it a shot.

Foods - They're pretty good with wine, champagne, cheese, and bread. They've given us the term "haute cuisine".

Maids (yes, as in French Maid. Put a nice looking gal in one of them uniforms and - ooh-la-la)

They've done a very nice job in the past in putting medals around the necks of American cyclists.

Gunpowder? I work for Dupont. It's late and I'm not talking shop.

Finally, if it weren't for some French guy a few generations back, I wouldn't be here typing this. ;)

But rifles? I'm not sure how so much can be said about their rifles if they've never been used much. :D

[CampX]

Off-topic a bit, but the French explored and trapped and mapped their way across this new continent, leading the way for the rest. One may say that the Spaniards conquered, and the English setled, but France explored hard to open up most of Canada and the States. They just don't have a winning record when it comes to war.....

[pittspilot]

I love this one

[ahadams]

ah the French, if they only had testosterone they'd be Italians!

oh, and I borrowed, er copied, er, well okay I swiped the first post in this thread to pass on to a conservative list serve...

[Skunkabilly]

Cajun music

[CZ-75]

Jean Reno is Spanish Morrocan by heritage.


I wish more actors would place themselves in proper perspective like he has, particularly regarding politics.

[4570Rick]

Snails...:rolleyes:


Is that positive or negative.:D

[dev_null]

Gary H:

Good point. "The Professional," "La Femme Nikita," "Amelie," "The Lover," "Sympathy for the Devil" -- whoops! How'd Godard get in there? ;)

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[TheLastBoyScout]

The French.... well at least they're always around when THEY NEED US!

[Harold Mayo]

You forget the French contributions to the humanity...a scientific approach to chemisty (and eventually, smokeless powders), first truly popular photographic process (and photographic aerial recoinnissance)...tried to think of more but came up short. Anyone care to help me defend the indefensibles?

I just have to say it...

Better chemistry=better drugs ;)

Better photography=better porn :what:

Hmmm...

Actually, the original post was hilarious.

Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

LOVED this one!!

Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

AND this one!

Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.


But, for some reason, this one was the funniest.

I'm surprised that this thread is still up, though. I would have thought that it would have been locked or completely deleted.