2002 Darwin Awards: The Winners! (Yes, this IS gun-related...)


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Preacherman
February 14, 2003, 10:22 PM
Yes, the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Award 2002! The candidates have finally been released. For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!


DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.


HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER!

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that happen."

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Schuey2002
February 14, 2003, 10:35 PM
:D LMAO !!:D :neener:

BigG
February 14, 2003, 10:42 PM
:what: Looks like the gene pool could use more chlorine. :D

p35
February 14, 2003, 11:26 PM
I checked the darwinawards.com website and didn't find these stories. Sounds suspicious to me- anyone around here knows that the Tacoma Narrows Bridge passes over part of Puget Sound, not a river.

Preacherman
February 14, 2003, 11:51 PM
p35, these have been circulating for awhile - I just posted them. Also, be aware that there are several "Darwin Awards" web sites, each claiming to be "THE" one. The original is in England, not the USA.

D.W. Drang
February 15, 2003, 01:52 AM
http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.htm
Claim: A zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany, was killed when an elephant defecated on him.
Status: False.
...

Origins: In the summer of 1998, this entertaining "news item" appeared in the Weekly World News, a publication not known for its overly journalistic standards. Fantastic stories invented of out of whole cloth regularly appear in its pages, and this latest pachyderm tale is but another of that ilk.

Photo or not, the story is a fake. There is no zoo in Paderborn, Germany, and a check of that town's phone book fails to reveal listings for either the victim Riesfeldt or detective Erik Dern. Moreover, no reputable news agency carried the story of the unfortunate Friedrich Riesfeldt's demise.

Even if we didn't know there's no zoo in Paderborn, this story should have leapt off the page as something that had to be untrue. The key fact in this tale is Riesfeldt's foolhardy yet somewhat successful single-handed attempt to irrigate Stefan the elephant's posterior. No wild creature willingly submits to an enema. A lone zookeeper attempting to administer one to a pachyderm wouldn't get very far; the animal would easily brush him aside.

The photograph supplied by the Weekly World News is clearly a fake. The posture of the elephant makes one think of a circus animal with the stand it was posed on airbrushed out, but more telling is the lack of enema implements in the shot. If Riesfeldt had truly been overcome by a sudden dam burst of excretia, then where are the tools he was using? Where's the tubing and the source of water? (And who took the picture?)

Another look at the photo confirms this shot was taken either during daylight hours or in a well-lit circus tent, certainly not out in a field after sunset. According to the Weekly World News story, Riesfeldt's body was discovered by the night watchman two hours after Riesfeldt's final conversation with another co-worker in which he announced he was staying late to irrigate the elephant. I am reliably informed elephants do not cast shadows at night.

Barbara "seen the elephant" Mikkelson

Last updated: 30 July 1999:evil:

HABU
February 15, 2003, 03:35 PM
anyone around here knows that the Tacoma Narrows Bridge passes over part of Puget Sound, not a river.
Sounds suspicious to me. I would hate to think I missed the story of the goober tying a cable around his ankle and jumping form the bridge. The height of the bridge minus 40' is still gonna kill you.

Triad
February 15, 2003, 03:54 PM
They're funny stories whether they're true or not.

New_comer
February 16, 2003, 07:02 AM
You're all so cruel :D :neener: :evil:

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