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French Military History...

Discussion in 'General Gun Discussions' started by fish2xs, Mar 14, 2003.

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  1. fish2xs

    fish2xs Member

    Feb 27, 2003
    Peoples Republic of Massachusetts
    This is probably why they won't support military force....

    And now for today's history lesson......
    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
    years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
    who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
    armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
    lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
    manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
    other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as

    The Dutch War - Tied.

    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
    Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
    the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
    first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
    future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
    far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
    the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
    most of the fighting."

    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
    also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
    Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
    for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
    Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
    United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
    sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
    widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the
    French bloodline.

    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
    and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
    with the Dien Bien Flu.

    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
    army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
    Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
    identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
    Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
    surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
    Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
  2. telewinz

    telewinz Senior Member

    Dec 24, 2002
    How far back do you want to go?

    Against the Huns 0-1:barf:
  3. Bonker

    Bonker Member

    Mar 14, 2003
    TEXAS !!!
    My first post !!!

    1871 - Bismark founds modern Germany.
    1890 - Bismark sacked, warmonger Wilhelm II takes direct control.
    1914 - Germany starts World War I.
    1914-1918 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.
    1917 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.
    1918 - Germany loses World War I.
    1920's - Germans try democracy.
    1933 - Germans reject democracy, and allow Hitler to take power.
    1939 - Germany starts World War II.
    1939-1945 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.
    1941 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.
    1945 - Germany loses World War II.
    1946 - Germans whine about lack of food, America gives billions in food
    aid to feed them.
    1947 - Germans whine about crappy economy, America gives billions in
    Marshall Plan aid to rebuild German economy.
    1948-1949 - America puts *** on line and risks WWIII to save a few
    Berliners from Soviet hordes.
    1949 - Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) established.
    1950's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet
    1950's - German 'economic miracle' occurs while America keeps watch on
    Soviet hordes.
    1955 - NATO formed to protect West Germany from Soviet hordes.
    1960's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet
    1960's - German students protest war in Vietnam and American civil
    1963 - American President John Kennedy makes "Ich bin ein Berliner"
    1970's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet
    1970's - Germans form the Marxist terrorist group Red Army Faction
    1970's - Leftist German guerrillas burn, loot, and plunder much of West
    1980's - America spends tens of billions to defend West Germany from
    Soviet hordes.
    1980's - German leftists bitch about Pershing II missiles.
    1987 - American President Ronald Reagan makes "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down
    this wall" speech.
    1989 - Gorbachev tears down Berlin Wall.
    1990 - German Reunification.
    1990's - America spends tens of billions to defend Germany from Islamic
    1990's - Germany stands by as ethnic cleansing occurs in Balkans.
    1993 - Germany joins European Union.
    1995 - Americans send troops to Bosnia as Germans watch from the
    1997 - Germans finally send troops to Bosnia.
    1998 - Hardline, left-of-left socialists come to power under Gerhard
    1999 - American's lead air war to save Kosovo as Germans watch from the
    2001 - Schroeder offers solidarity to America after 9/11 attacks.
    2002 - Schroeder bashes America to distract voters during election
    2003 - Germany sees rise in anti-Americanism after several decades of
    poor treatment from America.
  4. Steve Smith

    Steve Smith Moderator Emeritus

    Dec 21, 2002
    Southeastern US
    Dude, you're gettin a lock!

    Frenchy threads, no matter how funny, are OT.
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