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Gun humor with a smattering of truth

Discussion in 'Handguns: General Discussion' started by jsalcedo, Oct 3, 2003.

  1. jsalcedo

    jsalcedo Well-Known Member


    Frank on Guns: Gun Calibers
    This is the second part of primer for people who don't know much about guns. In my previous entry, I went over gun basics. Now let's discuss the almighty bullet.

    As stated before, the cartridge (a.k.a. kill'n fuel) consists of three parts: the kill'n activator, the gunpowder, and roundy, pointy thing which flies fast does the killer'n. What determines the power of the cartridge is the amount of gunpowder and the size of the roundy, pointy thing which flies fast does the killer'n (slug, for short).

    Now, I'm going to stick to mainly handgun calibers as that is what I know. Did you know the lower the shotgun gauge, the more powerful it is? That's crazy. Anyway, handguns are the coolest, and their name refers to the width of the bullet, either in parts of an inch or indecipherable metrics. What about the length of the cartridge, you ask? That's a secret.

    .22: This is target ammo. It's cheap and plentiful, but, for killer'n, it's only good if you just want to injure a squirrel. It's rimfire; you can hit it anywhere on the rim to start the kill'n activator. You don't have to be exact or anything, it will fire.

    .25 and .32: These start to look like baby versions of real bullets, being center fire (having a round little target on the back to start the kill'n activator). Some people want to ban certain types of ammo, and I say ban these. They're only good for wounding someone, and that's just mean.

    .380 (or 9mm short as known by Nazis and Commies): With this bullet, you're starting to get serious. This is what my Walther PPK fires. You really need something more that a regular FMJ to make it deadly though (more on this below).

    9mm (or .380 long as known by me): A very popular bullet, especially after the high capacity craze started with Glock. Sure, you can fire 19 of these without reloading, but you'll need it to take someone down with this little pansy cartridge. Also popular with submachine guns… except for my man, Tommy. It's the bullet fired by the Beretta 92FS, the M9 sidearm of our troops. Poor troops only having a 9mm sidearm. I have a Walther P99 in 9mm myself, but, because of damn Clinton, I only have silly little 10-rd magazines for it. Bastard.

    10mm: A high-powered semi-auto round made for the FBI. But it's a damn metrics bullet and hasn't really caught on.

    .40: Smith & Wesson shortened the 10mm and gave it nice American caliber name. This quickly became the choice round of law enforcement, because it's much more of a man-stopper than that pansy ??? 9mm.

    .45: My man, .45. There are two .45's, both made popular by Colt. The first is known as the .45 Long Colt, and that's the bullet fired by the old West Peacemakers. What we mainly know as .45 today is the .45 ACP (Automatic Colt Pistol) made popular by the ultimate semi-auto, the 1911 (that's the year Ronald Reagan was born; coincidence, I think not). It is also the bullet of the Thompson submachine gun (the Tommy gun), made popular in WWII and made unpopular by gangsters. It's a man's bullet, a nice big chunky SOB which you could probably knock someone unconscious just by throwing it at him. Do not fire this bullet if you're some girly man.

    .38 Special: A popular bullet for backup revolvers. What does special mean? Think like "special classes" and the kids who rode the short bus. It's not a very powerful cartridge.

    .357 Magnum: Magnum is Latin for large or great, and this is a great bullet for blowing some punk away. You might need to get both hands on this one. Why isn't it a .356 or a .358 you ask? Because some very scientifical people determined that .357 it should be. Any revolver that fires a .357 magnum can also fire a .38 special. Now isn't that special?

    .44 Magnum: "Are you feeling lucky? Well do ya, punk?" Dirty Harry caliber and that used by xXx. Actually, it might be a little too much for shooting a man unless you don't care about also shooting anyone who might stand a mile behind him. My dad originally bought one for fishing in Alaska in case he got attacked by a bear. I have a Colt Anaconda myself which I keep around in case a Florida alligator looks at me funny. There is a .44 Special, i.e., a retarded version.

    .454 Casull and .480 Ruger: Now we're just getting ridiculous. Just get yourself a damn rifle.

    .50 AE: AE if for Action Express. It's made by those crazy Israelis just for the Desert Eagle because those Palestinians are so annoying they wanted something extra big to shoot them with.

    500 S&W Magnum: After caving in the anti-gun nuts, Smith & Wesson had to win back the heart of their consumers. They did this by making a freaking huge handgun caliber. If someone is robbing the house four houses down from you, you can shoot through all the houses and hit him with this.

    If all of these calibers are too weak for you, those crazy Israelis at Magnum Research can make revolvers for you chambered in rifle rounds like the venerable .30-.30. The only purpose of these is to freak out people at a gun range, and it takes a lot to freak out people at a gun range.

    So, the question is, what's good for killer'n? As I said, .380 is minimum, but you don't want a regular slug. When I say regular slug, I mean a full metal jacket (FMJ), just like the name of that movie ("What's your major malfunction, numbnuts?"). That’s when the slug is coated in metal. More stopping power is a hollow point, which has a hollow point. It collapses on impact leaving a regular entry wound and a big exit wound. The best are bullets that fragment on impact and spread throughout the perps body. If the bullet doesn't go through, that means all power was transferred to the perp, and that's what you want. Think stopping power, yo.

    The next questions is what caliber do you want to use to kill a monkey. The proper caliber should reduce a monkey to nothing but a fine red mist. That means, for a regular size monkey, use a bullet big enough to kill a gorilla. To kill a gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla), use something big enough to kill King Kong. To kill King Kong... well, God help us all.

    Next week we'll talk about popular handgun choices. Remember: No problem is so complex it can't be solved by proper firearm usage.

    Posted by Frank J. at August 14, 2003 09:01 AM | TrackBack
  2. DorGunR

    DorGunR Well-Known Member

    Thanks jsalcedo
    I saved this one to my hard drive...........it's a keeper.:D
  3. Daniel T

    Daniel T Well-Known Member

    ".380 long"...:D
  4. Monkeyleg

    Monkeyleg Well-Known Member

    That was great! :D

    Forwarded it a friend who's just recently gotten interested in guns. Now he'll be completely befuddled!
  5. Chupacabra

    Chupacabra Well-Known Member


    :D :D

  6. MeekandMild

    MeekandMild Well-Known Member

    You forgot the 5.5 (or is it 5.7?) mm Velo Dog! I'm shocked and appalled!
  7. tiberius

    tiberius Well-Known Member

  8. Quartus

    Quartus Well-Known Member

    Watch out, Ayoob. You've met your match!

  9. BerettaNut92

    BerettaNut92 Well-Known Member

    Damn I wish I thought of that!
  10. MicroBalrog

    MicroBalrog member

    "Put your hands behind your head. Now, repeat after me:

    "I will never throw rocks at other people's expensive cars again".:evil:
  11. Greg L

    Greg L Well-Known Member

  12. Standing Wolf

    Standing Wolf Member in memoriam

    I'd have called it the .38 long and let it go at that.
  13. clange

    clange Well-Known Member

  14. Justin

    Justin Moderator Staff Member

    Too funny.

    .357 Magnum...but isn't it really .355 caliber?

    Anywho, I'm gonna kick this one over to the general handgunning forum as this one generally applies to handguns.

  15. BluesBear

    BluesBear member

    .357 Magnum & .38 Special were originally .357 bore diameter.
    9mm is .355

    But remember Buckaroos & Buckarettes these are all "nominal" dimensions. There will be some variances.

    My old Colt .38 Super with the .356 bore shot much better than my last one with a .354 bore. My Python was actually .356.

    Ahhhh the 70's.... I had a micrometer and lots of free time.

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