So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight

[orangeninja]

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that away nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centinial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was reading for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girlscout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incomming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunantly, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. Thats when I noticed the girlscout shouting somthing to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duckwalked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the womans SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the girlscout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat forgeting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though, half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell window but I still had my Centenial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunantly I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I layed it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunantly my Oakly shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passanger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunantly the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a mans gun. So I immediatly threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but now hurting him.

Apparantly the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side steped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconcious. That'll teach 'em.


Edit: this story was inspired by Nightcrawler, who did one first...

[R.H. Lee]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's much funnier that the 'tactical lights on rails' thread.

Thanks.

[Checkman]

Wow. You stud.

[Amadeus]

You see -- this is why I never shop at 7-11.

[Shield529]

These stories are really getting good. This should be put together for a Mall Ninja graphic novel.

[Arc-Lite]

alduro... one great Christmas story... next time I am in Texas, the beer is on me, and you sit in the back, quietly. Arc-Lite

[HEiST]

[orangeninja]

*Applause*

Thank you, thank you. Really thank you so much.

[NMshooter]

Bwaaahahaha! Good stuff!

[FPrice]

"...I threw my groin into her knee."

ROFL!

[Standing Wolf]

...before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee.

Aw, poor Mom!

[sm]

"...I threw my groin into her knee."

ROFLMAO

[45R]

Nice story.....you have way way too much time on your hands Thanks for the laughs!!!

[thefitzvh]

This story begs the question....


what caliber for girl scouts?

[P95Carry]

and I threw my groin into her knee

OMG - I am but the FOURTH person to have cracked up on that one! LOL

Alduro - wonderful entertainment and thank you - needed a good laff!!

[Preacherman]

Well, since everyone else has quoted the groin and knee bit, I'll quote this:

I then duckwalked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I hate you! You made me laugh so hard that I hurt my back again! (And I'm already waiting for surgery on it!)

[gotbass]

My wife wants to know what I'm smiling about. I think I will just let her guess.
"Creased my weiner" I nearly soiled myself, have watched a tazer video lately. Thanks. I think you may have missed your calling. Mike

[RRTX]

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incomming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that.

For some reason I can picture you doing this

[kayak bum]

:d :d :d

[River Wraith]

Funny stuff. Almost wet myself...

[frenchwrench]

"I laughed so hard I spotted."

[orangeninja]

If you guys think this one is funny... Please read "So there I was...(Part Deux)

Mall Ninja antics at my best.

[orangeninja]

Okay...at the risk of angering the mods, I've posted part Deux below:

So There I was...(part DEUX) Mall Ninja Uber Tactical stories

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there I was, pinning on my mall security badge. I knew that at that moment, I had reached the pinnacle of my calling, to "protect and serve" or as my company motto says, to "evade and report". I had just received my official state security commission which allowed me to be armed, the ELITE of mall security. As I holstered my Gold Inlayed Stainless Glock 21 in .45 ACP, I knew that if it got hairy out there, I would be ready. I placed my Benchmade tactical automatic knife in my pocket where I knew it would ready at a moments notice.

As I walked my beat this afternoon I received a radio dispatch of possible loitering in the food court. I quickly stepped into the Men's room and press checked my .45 Glock 21 to make sure, "just in case".

I then responded to the scene of the crime, just in time to witness at least 3 fourteen year old male suspects. I placed my hand on my gun and returned the biggest ones menacing glare. As I approached the ringleader, I noticed a movement, out of the corner of my eye. My advanced security training immediately screamed "AMBUSH". My 2 hours of class room instruction kicked in like a well oiled machine.

I whipped my ASP baton out just as I began to spin and meet the threat but the clever teenagers had strategically placed a spilled coke, so I lost my footing and landed flat on my back. I was prepared for such an attack however, and even though my baton went flying 15 feet away and the wind was knocked out of me, my survival instinct, honed to a razor edge, kicked in. I quickly rolled to my right getting to my knees and dove for cover in the water fountain. I went for my mace, but the water on my Oakley sunglasses obscured my vision. I depressed the cap and shot a burst of mace directly at myself, I have been maced before so I knew how to handle it. I ran in a circle screaming so as to confuse the opposition and then threw myself prone into a middle aged woman’s lap in a booth. I knew at that moment that she would provide a body shield for any attacks that may occur. As I ordered her to stand in front of me, I reassured her of my abilities by showing her how a professional takes a knee to the groin.

As I writhe in pain on the ground, I would appear to the untrained eye to have lost control of my bladder. But in reality, this is a clever ruse to lure the predator to the trap. I stand up in a crouched position, and ran to retrieve my ASP. I could see the older woman running away from me bravely distracting the teenagers from my movements. I then picked my ASP up and whipped it into a semi-arc and with all the vengeance I could muster, I knocked my sunglasses right at the leading perp in a display of deft ability and superior training.

My right hand struck my right thigh causing the automatic knife to open in my pocket. The stabbing pain to my groin only heightened my awareness to the dangers I now faced.

Somehow, possibly a mastery of Thai Chi, the perp managed to cause me to strike the bridge my nose with the tip of my baton. I knew at that point I had met my match and conceded defeat by losing consciousness. Touché’ to whomever you are.


Disclaimer: This story is completely fictitious; any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

[sm]

My 2 hours of class room instruction kicked in like a well oiled machine.

OOHs and AAHs...WOW- that means you got the GOLD Badge - huh?

Great story - well written , part III ??

[Third_Rail]

Hit him in the right hook with your eye, did you?