Mark Tyson
Member
BREAKING NEWS
President Activates Militia:
“All Able-Bodied Citizens†to Fight Zombie Plague
Washington (AP) - President Bush addressed the nation last night, calling for the activation of the militia to suppress the month-old plague of flesh-eating zombies.
In a somber, 20 minute speech, the president called on all physically capable men and women to arm themselves and begin destroying any living dead threatening their communities.
“Under my authority as commander in chief of the armed forces, I am ordering the militia of the United States, consisting of all able bodied citizens, to take up arms and rid their communities of the flesh-eaters,†President Bush told the nation.
The militia is defined in federal law as consisting of all males between ages of 17 and 45. The president’s authority to command the militia has seldom been used since the advent of professional armies.
The president also announced the suspension of federal gun legislation to allow citizens to arm themselves.
“I am ordering federal law enforcement agencies not to enforce any gun control laws for the duration of the state of emergency, in order to allow citizens to quickly obtain the weapons needed to carry out my orders.â€
President Bush added that state governments attempting to enforce their own gun laws would be threatening national security.
The president referred to the onslaught of cannibal corpses as the greatest threat to the country since the civil war, and stated that “extraordinary measures†would be necessary for the country to survive.
The activation of the militia is the latest in a series of emergency measures undertaken by the government since a month ago, when corpses of the recently deceased began to returning to life seeking the flesh of the living. The entire country has officially been under a state of emergency for one week.
Military expert Helmut Kruger of the Committee for the Clear and Present Danger told the AP that the militias will have to function without federal support or instructions. “The regular military is already engaged nationwide,†said Kruger. “The militia will have to organize itself into cells at the local level, independent of the government.â€
“There was really nothing left to do,†Kruger added. “The reserves and National Guards are all activated. The militia is the reserve of last resort.â€
Democratic Critics
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has criticized the president’s handling of the zombie crisis.
“I believe that there are nonviolent options for dealing with the undead that we have yet to explore,†Kucinich said in a press conference immediately after the president’s address. “But for this president the answer is always more weapons, more violence. When the government’s first reaction is to use violence to solve problems, we can expect citizens to do the same.â€
“When I am elected president, I will establish a Department of Peace. One of its duties will be to investigate ways of peaceful coexistence with the living dead,†Kucinich added.
Gun Control Groups Express Dismay
Gun control groups were quick to criticize the president’s call for citizens to arm themselves.
“This is terribly short sighted of the president,†said Sarah Brady of the Brady Center to Prevent Handgun Violence. “Millions of more guns in the hands of untrained civilians are more of a threat to Americans than the walking dead. No doubt the gun lobby will use this tragedy to flood the streets with even more weapons.â€
Mrs. Brady would not comment on reports that she herself has purchased several guns since the beginning of the crisis.
Gun Sales Skyrocket
The suspension of federal gun law enforcement means that gun purchasers no longer have to undergo background checks, and gun stores do not have to keep records of their sales. It also means that civilians can now own previously restricted semi-automatic weapons and machine guns.
Gun manufacturers are struggling to fulfill a rush of orders for the government and public. Emergency legislation has mandated that firearm and ammunition factories are to remain open 24 hours a day for the duration of the national state of emergency.
Gun shops are having difficulty keeping guns in stock. The scene at The Arms Room in Richmond, Virginia was typical. Store manager Lester White told reporters that his entire inventory of Remington 870 series shotguns was sold in six hours.
“People with little experience with guns tend to like the shotguns,†White told the AP. “It’s easier to hit them in the head with buckshot.â€
Small caliber rifles are also popular among novice zombie exterminators, like the .17 Hornady Magnum rimfire bolt-action rifle that 83 year-old widow Bea Mitchell, of Augusta, Maine bought last week.
“One of those buggers comes through my door, I’m popping him right in the tear duct,†said Mitchell. Mitchell said she selected the the rifle for its gentle recoil and light weight. “You don’t need a cannon for stopping these ones, just a cool head.â€
In other developments, the House of Representatives, meeting in an emergency session, debated the Zombie Suppression Act of 2003. The bill would grant FEMA authority for disaster recovery operations and establish a rationing system for food and gasoline. (Full story)
The plague of living dead continued unabated last night, with 562 confirmed new infections in New York City alone. New York police estimate there are over 10,000 reanimated corpses roaming the streets of the city. (Full story)
Related stories:
CDC reports progress in efforts to develop zombie vaccine(Full story)
Fire Safety Council urges citizens not to use makeshift flamethrowers against undead(Full story)
Special militay unit being readied to combat undead(Full story)
Shark suit maker unveils “zombie armor†(Full story)
President Activates Militia:
“All Able-Bodied Citizens†to Fight Zombie Plague
Washington (AP) - President Bush addressed the nation last night, calling for the activation of the militia to suppress the month-old plague of flesh-eating zombies.
In a somber, 20 minute speech, the president called on all physically capable men and women to arm themselves and begin destroying any living dead threatening their communities.
“Under my authority as commander in chief of the armed forces, I am ordering the militia of the United States, consisting of all able bodied citizens, to take up arms and rid their communities of the flesh-eaters,†President Bush told the nation.
The militia is defined in federal law as consisting of all males between ages of 17 and 45. The president’s authority to command the militia has seldom been used since the advent of professional armies.
The president also announced the suspension of federal gun legislation to allow citizens to arm themselves.
“I am ordering federal law enforcement agencies not to enforce any gun control laws for the duration of the state of emergency, in order to allow citizens to quickly obtain the weapons needed to carry out my orders.â€
President Bush added that state governments attempting to enforce their own gun laws would be threatening national security.
The president referred to the onslaught of cannibal corpses as the greatest threat to the country since the civil war, and stated that “extraordinary measures†would be necessary for the country to survive.
The activation of the militia is the latest in a series of emergency measures undertaken by the government since a month ago, when corpses of the recently deceased began to returning to life seeking the flesh of the living. The entire country has officially been under a state of emergency for one week.
Military expert Helmut Kruger of the Committee for the Clear and Present Danger told the AP that the militias will have to function without federal support or instructions. “The regular military is already engaged nationwide,†said Kruger. “The militia will have to organize itself into cells at the local level, independent of the government.â€
“There was really nothing left to do,†Kruger added. “The reserves and National Guards are all activated. The militia is the reserve of last resort.â€
Democratic Critics
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has criticized the president’s handling of the zombie crisis.
“I believe that there are nonviolent options for dealing with the undead that we have yet to explore,†Kucinich said in a press conference immediately after the president’s address. “But for this president the answer is always more weapons, more violence. When the government’s first reaction is to use violence to solve problems, we can expect citizens to do the same.â€
“When I am elected president, I will establish a Department of Peace. One of its duties will be to investigate ways of peaceful coexistence with the living dead,†Kucinich added.
Gun Control Groups Express Dismay
Gun control groups were quick to criticize the president’s call for citizens to arm themselves.
“This is terribly short sighted of the president,†said Sarah Brady of the Brady Center to Prevent Handgun Violence. “Millions of more guns in the hands of untrained civilians are more of a threat to Americans than the walking dead. No doubt the gun lobby will use this tragedy to flood the streets with even more weapons.â€
Mrs. Brady would not comment on reports that she herself has purchased several guns since the beginning of the crisis.
Gun Sales Skyrocket
The suspension of federal gun law enforcement means that gun purchasers no longer have to undergo background checks, and gun stores do not have to keep records of their sales. It also means that civilians can now own previously restricted semi-automatic weapons and machine guns.
Gun manufacturers are struggling to fulfill a rush of orders for the government and public. Emergency legislation has mandated that firearm and ammunition factories are to remain open 24 hours a day for the duration of the national state of emergency.
Gun shops are having difficulty keeping guns in stock. The scene at The Arms Room in Richmond, Virginia was typical. Store manager Lester White told reporters that his entire inventory of Remington 870 series shotguns was sold in six hours.
“People with little experience with guns tend to like the shotguns,†White told the AP. “It’s easier to hit them in the head with buckshot.â€
Small caliber rifles are also popular among novice zombie exterminators, like the .17 Hornady Magnum rimfire bolt-action rifle that 83 year-old widow Bea Mitchell, of Augusta, Maine bought last week.
“One of those buggers comes through my door, I’m popping him right in the tear duct,†said Mitchell. Mitchell said she selected the the rifle for its gentle recoil and light weight. “You don’t need a cannon for stopping these ones, just a cool head.â€
In other developments, the House of Representatives, meeting in an emergency session, debated the Zombie Suppression Act of 2003. The bill would grant FEMA authority for disaster recovery operations and establish a rationing system for food and gasoline. (Full story)
The plague of living dead continued unabated last night, with 562 confirmed new infections in New York City alone. New York police estimate there are over 10,000 reanimated corpses roaming the streets of the city. (Full story)
Related stories:
CDC reports progress in efforts to develop zombie vaccine(Full story)
Fire Safety Council urges citizens not to use makeshift flamethrowers against undead(Full story)
Special militay unit being readied to combat undead(Full story)
Shark suit maker unveils “zombie armor†(Full story)
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