Eye-roll worthy GUN jokes?

[Skribs]

I'm notorious in other circles (outside of THR) for making many puns that are worthy of an eye-roll, or in some cases "go away." I thought of a gun-related one here, and thought I'd make you all wonder whether or not I ate paint chips as a child. I'd love some others, if you guys have any. Here goes:

A man pulls a shotgun on Beyonce, but she grabs it out of his hands. When she does this, he complains, "hey, that's mine!"
She responds with "If you liked it, you shoulda put a sling on it."

Hey, I warned you.

 

[The-Reaver]

Facepalm

 

[Skribs]

This is why I tell these jokes. Facepalms make me laugh.

 

[FROGO207]

I know a couple hand gun enthusiasts that automatically dislike revolvers.

 

[303tom]

I know a couple hand gun enthusiasts that automatically dislike revolvers.

Hand Gun ! Is that code ??????????

 

[MachIVshooter]

This is why I tell these jokes. Facepalms make me laugh.

I'm with you there. I think key to these low rent, not-so-witty puns that will actually make others giggle and smile is if you do a half-serious gomer laugh immediately following the last word. Works for me, anyway

 

[Ky Larry]

Here's the worst pun I've ever heard. You've been warned.



Years ago, in British colonial Africa, two hunters were arguing about who was the best hunter, so they decided to settle the matter. They agreed that the next morning the would hunt for a lion and the first to bag it would be know as the greatest hunter in Africa. To spice up the bet, they agreed on a side wager of a pint of fine scotch.
Next morning, they met at the agreed to place and set their pints of whisky on the ground about 100 yards apart. They had no more set the bottles on the ground when they both noticed a huge lion about egual distance between them. Before either could take aim and fire, an airplane suddenly swooped down out of the sky and machine gunned the lion. The moral of this story?


Wait for it.















The shortest distance between two pints is a straffed lion.

 

[sidheshooter]

Years ago, in British colonial Africa...

Two literary types were sitting under the shade of a tree; one reading some classics, and the other typing a novel about Africa on a portable typewriter.

Suddenly, this problem lion appears-seemingly out of nowhere (for lions can cover an unbelievable distance in no time at full sprint) and, after a quick one-two glance at the two scholars, pounces on the guy reading the leather bound tomes; crushing his neck and dragging his lifeless body into the scrub for a midday kitty snack.


The moral of this story?


Wait for it.




All all lions know,


Readers digest and writers cramp.

 

[MachIVshooter]

The shortest distance between two pints is a straffed lion.

That actually did make me laugh. Does that mean I'm lame?

 

[armoredman]

POWER GROAN! My wife loved the Beyonce one - mind if I use it on Facebook?

 

[galena]

Two cannibals meet in the jungle. One asks the other how he is feeling. Second says he really isn't feeling very good. First asks "What have you had to eat?" Second responds that he ate a missionary the day before. First asks how he cooked the missionary and the second responds, "I boiled him in the big pot." First asks "What did he look like?" Second describes the missionary, "He was short and chubby and he was wearing a brown robe thing with a rope belt, and he had a funny hair cut, just a ring of hair around his head and shaved on top."




First one says: "Well there's your problem..........................................














he wasn't a Boiler.........................................he was a Friar"

 

[fireman 9731]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?..... It was intense!

 

[Nushif]

So these two canibals are sitting in the forest, eating a clown.
One of them looks at the other and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Rail Driver]

ok so out of like 7 jokes, only 3 of them are "gun" jokes ... what gives?

 

[LJ-MosinFreak-Buck]

I've got one. It's a football one for college teams, with guns in it. It's mostly regional, you'll understand why.

So a Nebraska fan and a Texas fan are sitting on their horses.
The Texas fan throws up a can of beer and shoots it.
The Nebraska fan asks, "What'd you do that for?"
So the Texas fan replies, "We've got so much beer laying around that we don't know what to do with it.

So a few minutes pass by, and then the Nebraska fan throws a bottle of wine into the air and shoots it.
The Texas fan asks, "Hey, now what did you do that for?"
And the Nebraska fan replies, "We've got so much wine lying around, we don't know what to do with it."

Well, about a half hour passes, both riders talking to each other about nothing important, when an Iowa fan rides up and shoots the Nebraska fan off of his horse.

"Hey, man! What did you do that for!" The Texas fan asks.
And the Iowa fan replies, "We've got so many Nebraska fans lying around, we don't know what to do with 'em!"

 

[LJ-MosinFreak-Buck]

Never said it was the greatest.

 

[Sig Bill]

What did one gun say to the other gun?






"My pop is bigger than your pop"

 

[MrDig]

An Elderly woman is pulled over by a State Trooper, he runs her plate and a concealed carry notice comes up. He politely approaches the car and asks if she has any weapons.
"Why yes officer I have a 9mm in my purse, a .357 in the console and a .45 in the glove box" The officer is shocked and asks "What are you afraid of?" the Woman replies "Not a damn thing sir....."

 

[Single Action Six]

Ahhh.. OK

Skribs said in part..

"A man pulls a shotgun on Beyonce, but she grabs it out of his hands. When she does this, he complains, "hey, that's mine!"
She responds with "If you liked it, you shoulda put a sling on it."

OK. I'll bite.

Single Action Six

 

[Gun Geezer]

Skribs said in part..



OK. I'll bite.

Single Action Six

You have to be like listening to pop music. It' almost the same as a line in one of her songs: "If you like then you better put a ring on it".

My daughters listen to that stuff. Me, I'm still into Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings.

 

[Flopsweat]

Wasn't the actual line "If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it"?

 

[grasssnake]

Arizona sheriff is at a party with his 45 auto on his side. Society lady says hello and says, "Sheriff I noticed you have your pistol on. Were you expecting trouble?"
Sheriff says, "No maa'm. If I was expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."

 

[loadedround]

There goes my breakfast!

 

[LawScholar]

I wrote like, ten puns to submit here, to see if any would make me laugh hard enough to post it.

But no pun in ten did.

 

[Hypnogator]

OK, you made me dig up the Gorilla joke.....

Quite some years ago, a rich hunter paid an extravagant amount for a safari in Africa, the object of which was to hunt the great Mountain Gorilla. The outfitter equipped him with a huge native guide, Nagumba, and an even huger brindled hunting dog. After Nagumba watched the hunter carefully sight in his rifle, the three headed for the bush, in gorilla territory.

The first day, they spotted a great male gorilla. The dog immediately charged the gorilla, chasing it up to the very top of a tall tree. Nagumba deftly climbed up the tree into a position just under the gorilla, and began shaking the branches violently. After a few minutes, the gorilla lost it’s grip on the branch, and came tumbling down to the ground. Before the hunter could shoot, the dog immediately leaped on the gorilla, grabbed it by the crotch, took out a mighty bite which included all that made the male gorilla male. The gorilla quickly expired, and was duly skinned and packed for taxidermy.

The next day, the same thing happened. The dog treed a gorilla, Nagumba shook it out of the tree, but before bwana could shoot, the dog grabbed the gorilla by the crotch, and killed it. The hunter didn’t say anything, but clearly wasn’t happy that he hadn’t gotten in on the kill.

The third day, when the same thing happened, after the dog had finished, the hunter expressed his dismay to Nagumba, saying he might as well leave his rifle in camp, as he apparently wasn’t going to get the opportunity to use it! Nagumba assured him that his presence with the rifle was most essential during the hunt, and that he should keep it very clean and make sure it was loaded at all times while they were in the field.

Well, the fourth day, they spotted an especially huge and fine example of male gorillahood, which the dog quickly treed. Nagumba scurried up the tree right behind the gorilla and began shaking it. But this time, the gorilla started shaking the tree, himself, so eventually it was Nagumba who lost his grip and came tumbling down through the branches. As he fell, the hunter could hear him screaming, “Quick! Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!”