I've never been much of a dog fan. I mean, I like some dogs, but I'd never have one. But, I was considering an alternative home defense pet.
Bears! Think about it. Some guy breaks into your house, expecting some tiny dog, and runs face first into an angry bear. End of problem. Well, except for the problem of replacing the carpets and getting blood stains off the walls. Ah, but there are some people that are skeptics. "Disk, there is no way you can train an attack bear!"
Well, there was only one way to find out. Granted, I didn't have many goblins to test my theory on... But I had PLENTY of officers. Close enough! Let the testing begin!
So, I got two bear cubs to train. This should be easy. Bears are vicious, right? They should be easy to train to attack officers! The first test subject was a 1LT, as I figured no one would miss him if the bears passed the test.
"Ok. Attack bears! If anyone touches my Mtn Dew supply, rip their hands off!"
"STOP LICKING HIS HAND, RIP IT OFF!"
Grrrr....
Ok, so the arm thing is not working. Maybe it's not vicious enough.
"Attack bears! If anyone tries to put their grubby mitts on my Mountain Dew, go for the face!"
"Uh, yes. Try climbing up the officer to get to the tasty face. Uhm. Yes, head butting the officer's leg is good. But sink in some teeth while you're at it, take him down! STOP LICKING HIS HAND!"
Test failed. Bears do not make good attack animals. Heck, they can't even properly maul officers. I agree, buy a shotgun.
(I'd meantion my tests of silver, garlic and crucifixes on officers, but that'd be OT.)