9mms are snappy, but easily controlled IMO. If you think a BHP has "nasty" muzzle flip, it may be best to start out with a lower powered cartridge, or a really heavy gun. The BHP, while I don't like it due to the IMO very poor trigger, is one of the milder recoiling 9mms IMO.
You're either going to need to look at a super heavy 9mm (like a Sig 226 ST), or maybe consider a .38 special from a medium frame revolver. IMO, the .38 special is the lowest recoiling cartridge (when fired from a GP 100 or S&W 686, which is also defense capable. I think that snappy rounds tend to feel worse than pushy rounds for newer shooters. The .38 recoil is also not snappy IMO, which makes it more pleasant to shoot IMO.