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Not everyone likes rhymes, but...

Discussion in 'General Gun Discussions' started by Oleg Volk, Jul 24, 2007.

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  1. Oleg Volk

    Oleg Volk Moderator Emeritus

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    [​IMG]

    Am I missing commas after "911" or around "12:06"?
     
  2. hrgrisso

    hrgrisso Member

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    My Grammar is horrible

    As everyone reading my story can attest to, but I love this poster! Oleg you've got to start making movie poster size poster we can order from you, hard backed etc. Man my house would be such a political statement! lol!
     
  3. BryanP

    BryanP Member

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    Someone else may correct me, but I believe the comma should be moved so that it reads like this:


    Around midnight she called 911,
    but by 12:06 the fighting was done.
    No time to wait for help to arrive,
    so she used her rifle to stay alive.
     
  4. RNB65

    RNB65 Member

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    Forget the grammer, what kind of rifle is that? I've never seen one like it. It looks vaguely like an SKS with a bunch of other stuff on it.
     
  5. BryanP

    BryanP Member

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    She doesn't look like any grammer I've ever seen. But we are discussing Oleg's grammar. :neener:

    That's a MAS 49 I believe.
     
  6. Rich K

    Rich K Member

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    I like poetry.
     
  7. Oleg Volk

    Oleg Volk Moderator Emeritus

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  8. RNB65

    RNB65 Member

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    Damn, I just learned something. I thought Stoner invented the direct gas impingement system and it turns out some Frenchman named Rossignol invented it. Stoner just copied it for the AR. Fascinating... :)

    p.s. Forget the GRAMMAR and spelling, tell me more about interesting guns!
     
  9. ArfinGreebly

    ArfinGreebly Moderator Emeritus

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    Hard To Improve On That

    Just for the sake of cadence . . .
    Near midnight she called 911,
    by 12:06 was the fighting done.
    No time to wait for help to arrive,
    she used her rifle to stay alive.

    Changes "around" to "near" to knock off a syllable.

    Drops the "but" in line two (fewer syllables) and moves "was" into a deliberately "poetic usage" position.

    Drops the "so" from line four for syllable reduction.

    Just my take.

    Oh, and that's a great photo! Thanks!
     
  10. RNB65

    RNB65 Member

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    No, no, you don't want to do that. 'Round Midnight is a jazz classic. That's what it should be. Just drop the A.
     
  11. romma

    romma Member

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    :neener: On Dasher on Dancer!!
     
  12. romma

    romma Member

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    At quarta to one, da fightin' wuz done, no need for 9-1-1... Oh!
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2007
  13. TallPine

    TallPine Member

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    In poetry, i Think you can Make up your own spelling, and punctuatioN rules ;)

    You do have a poetic license, don't you?
     
  14. romma

    romma Member

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    I sure do! It helps convey proper Brooklynese dialect...
     
  15. scout26

    scout26 Member

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    Sounds like it could be one of Champaign County Rifle Associations "Burma Shave" Signs:

    Around midnight she called 911,
    but by 12:06 the fighting was done.
    No time to wait for help to arrive,
    so she used her rifle to stay alive.
    www.gunssavelife.com


    Great Poster
     
  16. Sage of Seattle

    Sage of Seattle Member

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    I'm no pro, but I can write poetry pretty well and as far as my take is, there aren't really any grammar or punctuation rules in poetry. Punctuation is supposed to help with the meter and flow of the work; the stuff about setting off prepositional phrases and so on is only for prose, really. I rarely use punctuation in my own poetry. It's easier for me to read, but it can be difficult for others to get the right cadence down.

    My own sense of rhythm would have Oleg's work read like this:

    Just around midnight, she called 911
    But by 12:06 the fighting was done
    No time to wait for police to arrive
    So she used her trusty rifle to help keep alive
     
  17. Neo-Luddite

    Neo-Luddite Member

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    No commas needed--it will flow with natural pauses.

    I wish I had snagged a MAS when they were common.

    Oleg--that model is terrific. I know nothing about how photography works, especially the interpersonal dimmension, but her deadpan expression is great.
     
  18. GhostlyKarliion

    GhostlyKarliion Member

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    I like it Oleg, looks great.
     
  19. Standing Wolf

    Standing Wolf Member in memoriam

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    Doggerel. Sorry.
     
  20. bogie

    bogie Member

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    Time to edit...

    'Round midnight, she dialed 9-1-1
    By 12:06, the fighting was done
    While waiting for help to arrive
    She used her gun to say alive.

    I'd also switch to caps/lower case.

    Or all lower case. Remember the audience.
     
  21. Oleg Volk

    Oleg Volk Moderator Emeritus

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    Got suggestions for replacement text?
     
  22. Red Dragon

    Red Dragon Member

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    Just a thought....opinion...you know, whatever...from one poet to another.

    The way the rhythm feels in my mind, perhaps the only thing I would do is start the first line with " 'Round about midnight".
    The last line could be "She used her rifle and she stayed alive"

    Again, each poet has their own rhythm and feel for the poems so take any of my ideas for what they are worth, which is no more than anyone else.
     
  23. Blackbeard

    Blackbeard Member

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    Simplify:

    At midnight she called 911
    By 12:06 the deed was done
    At 12:15 the cops arrived
    Thank her rifle she's still alive
     
  24. CountGlockula

    CountGlockula Member

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    Here's my version:
    [​IMG]
     
  25. TallPine

    TallPine Member

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    Oleg, are there rocks ahead?
    If there are, we'll all be dead.
    Hurry, quick! Dial Nine-One-One
    If you speak English, please press one.
    No more rhymes now, I mean it.
    Anybody want a peanut?
     
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