Telling wife how many guns you actually own

Discussion in 'General Gun Discussions' started by Kalashnikovkid, Feb 5, 2014.

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  1. holdencm9

    holdencm9 Member

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    My wife and I have a don't ask don't tell policy now, and separate checking accounts for vices and personal hobbies. She gets her lattes and massages, I get my guns and ammo. :cool:

    However, right after we got married she asked about "the number." Of course this means something different to gun owners than the general population. She had always known I had more than a few, and is/was fine with it, although has never shown much interest in shooting, but she was just curious about the number. I told her. (It's not even that big a number)

    When she picked her jaw up off the floor though she kind of chuckled and said something to the effect of "why do you need that many?"

    This is the crux of the issue. Like you said, having 30 guns in the home, in a safe, is no more dangerous than having 3. But a lot of people just don't understand our passion for the various makes and models, and how each one has its own history and unique design and they are like tools...there is always one right tool for the job. So the question is why do you need so many? Are you some kind of gun NUT?!? They just don't understand, and maybe never will. It would help if your wife collected something--anything--that you could make the comparison.

    If you try to explain why they interest you it may help, or maybe not. My wife still kind of rolls her eyes when she sees me on THR constantly, or looking at the latest Cabelas flyer, but she knows they aren't going anywhere and I don't spend our shared pool of money on my hobby. I'm sure she'd rather I spend less on guns and shooting and more on her, but what woman wouldn't? Just don't brag to her about how awesome your new $1400 AR is, and then get her a cheap knockoff piece of jewelry for Valentines day! ;)
     
  2. clamman

    clamman Member

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    Me, no wife, lotsa guns. Me happy.:neener::neener::neener:
     
  3. 1911 guy

    1911 guy Member

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    Re-read Sam's post, #7.

    Then read it yet again. This is sound advice. Your wife has taken what seems to be a "no compromise" stand and stated the argument in a way that puts all the chips on her side of the table.

    You need to take a stand now, make it plain that the argument is NOT one sided. No need to pull the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" routine, but that you will not accept her "mothering" you and treating you as a lesser partner in the marriage. She is your wife, not your supervisor, boss or superior.

    Most marriages go through something like this, the exact issue varies. What it boils down to is the desire of the female of the species to rule the roost. She'll attempt to put her foot down. If you accept it, you're done as the head of your home. Demand treatment as an equal. She'll gripe and moan that you don't love her, then she'll accept it. Or leave. Depends on how much of a control freak she is. Seriously.

    Doubt me? Ask any of your friends or family who have been married for more than a couple years. Guns is just a secondary issue. The tenor of your marriage will be set by your actions and how you respond to her.
     
  4. buck460XVR

    buck460XVR Member

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    Seems to me there is more to this than just "guns". That said, my wife knows when I buy a new gun and I would never even consider not telling her. That does not mean I need permission to buy one. Our relationship is based on trust and our decision to marry was also based on this. We also knew each others priorities in life and their similarity is what brought us together. That doesn't mean we exactly mirror each others opinions and interests, but it does mean we respect them. If guns are an important part of your life and are a major concern of your wife, then you folks need to figure it out. No one here really has the solution...just lots of different opinions. What works for others don't make it right, just means it works for them. Does not make it the solution to your problem. Again if this is an issue, then hiding or not talking about it is NOT the solution. Somehow you need to find a common ground and a happy medium. Your wife already accepts that you have X-amount of firearms, is one or two more worth more to you than her? How much would her finding out you have been lying to her mean to your relationship. Whether you want to accept it or not, this is what it comes down to.
     
  5. il.bill

    il.bill Member

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    Of course you tell her if she wants to know - she is your wife, your partner for life, isn't she?
    As stated before, I see nothing in the original post saying that she wants to control, or limit, or have veto power over your firearm purchases. Truth, and not secrecy, is a basis for a rewarding and lasting relationship. You might want to honestly explain to her how this issue makes you feel.
     
  6. Arkansas Paul

    Arkansas Paul Member

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    You just haven't found the right one friend.
    I've got a wife, a bunch of guns and me happy too.

    They key is to choose wisely. ;)
     
  7. kvtcomdo

    kvtcomdo Member

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    I'm not so sure.

    Most believe it has mystical powers that will make you want to harm somebody.
     
  8. kvtcomdo

    kvtcomdo Member

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    Do you tell her?


    I'll go with this.
     
  9. SC Shooter

    SC Shooter Member

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    I say this as a result of being married 45 years. Don't lie to her and place her above all else. That doesn't mean you can get what you want, just do it with the idea that your toys are not as important as your wife. In other words, you have to work harder for your toys. If you are not up to it, they are not worth it.
     
  10. brboyer

    brboyer Member

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    My wife tried to start some of the same stuff early in our marriage. I told her I had guns before I met you and will continue to purchase as many and as often as I can when it does not impact out financial obligations.

    I did not allow her innate female control needs to take hold in our marriage.

    After that discussion, I never asked for her permission to spend money and she never asked me when she was going to spend money. We were both adults and knew the finances, that was settled.

    Sure, I'd tell her when I bought something, but more in a manner of "Look how cool is this!" She would do the same. She came home with a new car one day! Did not ask me beforehand. ;)

    Sometime she will ask "why so many?" Then I go into excruciating detail why I need so many 9mm handguns, 38 and .357 revolvers, 1911's, different rifle types, shotguns, etc. That only lasts a few seconds before she gets bored and says, "Just keep the list updated so I know where they all are and how much they are worth so I can dispose of them properly after you die!" :scrutiny:

    Life is good, she buys what she wants (either for the grand-kids, me or herself), I buy what I want (either for the grand-kids, her or myself).

    We've been married over 30 years now. :D
     
  11. ngnrd

    ngnrd Member

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    Yeah... I can't help. My wife just wants to know where my inventory/value spreadsheet is so she knows what all to look for - and what kind of a price tag to put on it at the estate sale - if I die before her.
     
  12. tnxdshooter

    tnxdshooter Member

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    + infinity. I see divorce on the horizon.
     
  13. 230RN
    • Contributing Member

    230RN I wish these woke folks would awaken to reality.

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    Women's "networks" are different from men's, and they are easily influenced by other women in these networks. All the guys in the above posts who've been married for long periods must be aware of this.

    It sounds to me like she discussed the issue within her network or coterie at some point and someone put the bug in her head that anyone with that many* guns must be a bit of a nut case.

    So her upbringing and "uncomfortableness" was brought to the fore, and I suspect it's really just little old you "against" that group.

    That's how it sounds to me. And the next time you buy a "Guh-uhn!" :what: it will be brought up in her social group and more fretting will occur.

    The question now is, is it more advantageous to get a divorce in the US, or where you're stationed?

    Tough words on my part, and far be it from me to encourage divorce, but that's the way I see it.


    * Insert any number greater than 2 here.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2014
  14. scythefwd

    scythefwd Member

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    Sure... Then again I tell her every thing. When I get a new gun, she is shown how to clear it before it ever sees ammo.
     
  15. hso

    hso Moderator Staff Member

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    If she didn't have any problem with you owning/buying/shooting firearms before ask why the change and what the basis for it is? If she resorts to the "you're putting guns before me" claim point out that she's the one that did this and not you since she's the one that changed the parameters. If she isn't trying to control you then why would she care what you did with your personal money as long as it didn't impact the family finances?

    Perhaps her concern is borne out of not having been able to find a job and having been dependent upon you for money. Put yourself in her shoes, figuratively, and consider how your ego would be bruised by being dependent upon her for any/every penney you spent? Would you try to exert some control and would you potentially make emotional decisions based on that?
     
  16. Teachu2

    Teachu2 Member

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    50% chance - just like any other modern marrage. My first went six weeks, second is 25 years and going strong.
     
  17. pharmer

    pharmer Member

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    My wife and I have separate accounts and also a joint account. Joint account is for "living expenses" personal is for "stuff." I will account for buying stuff, if asked. No secrets. As soon as you can, buy a nice safe to keep your weapons. I guarantee a lot of that "fear" will lift. Gradually acclimate her to having a SD weapon at the ready. Women want to feel "safe" (even though "safe" is an illusion). Joe
     
  18. Potatohead

    Potatohead Member

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    Sam,
    Your like Ghandi or somethin around here.

    We're not worthy! We're not worthy! (in my best Wayne and Garth voice)
     
  19. Potatohead

    Potatohead Member

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    +uno
     
  20. Potatohead

    Potatohead Member

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    LOL
    I thought the same thing when I read this:
     
  21. gym

    gym member

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    I don't ask my wife how much money she made, "when she works", I don't ask her what she buys, or how many pairs of shoes she has. I have never questioned what she purchased what she bought, "as long as we have the money", nor do I want to know.
    Therefore I have no intention of telling her what I have as far as guns go, or gun related accessories including ammo. If she gets "pissey" with me once in a while, I just don't answer her, or tell her "I had a lot more before I met you".
    One must keep certain things private. It works better that way. You don't want to be too honest about money with your spouse, or you will find yourself having to account for every nickel you spend, and that isn't happening.
    Mine was completely immune to firearms until a few years ago, when money got tight, and she started asking me why I needed this and that, I simply said for the same reason you need a closet full of shoes and clothes that still have tags on them from 2 years ago. Because I want them. Her kids are grown with kids of their own and the men their spouses are not the least bit interested in guns, other than to ask me if they are locked up "which of course they are" when my 4 grandaughters are around.
    I have a feeling the girls are going to be more interested than their parents were.
     
  22. danez71

    danez71 Member

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    While true with some, I don't think so with most.

    At the risk of sounding sexist (which this isn't), women have a more nurturing side to them.

    "Guns are dangerous. I don't even know how many guns there are in the house.....This must be fixed. I can change him."


    Its often a nurturing motherly side coming out. Its actually a trait you want if you want kids.

    But you must teach her that its nothing that needs to be fixed or changed because you already take the necessary steps to keep the family safe.

    And that will never happen if you trivialize her feelings.
     
  23. readyeddy

    readyeddy Member

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    Tell her the truth, then deal with the consequences. If you withhold the information, then she has a reason to not trust you and the marriage may suffer. Jut tell her, then have the discussion about gun ownership and safety. Your marriage may end after the talk about your guns, but your marriage will have a better chance at survival if she at least feels she can trust you.
     
  24. kimberkid

    kimberkid Member

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    This ^
    My wife doesn't shoot but she doesn't care one way or the other about guns either ... she knows when I buy or trade for something new, about how many I have, what they are worth, anything she asks, I tell her ... I hide nothing and we've never had a problem.

    As mentioned above, sometimes it's just not worth it.
     
  25. RetiredUSNChief

    RetiredUSNChief Member

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    If my wife wanted to know, then I'd tell my wife.

    However, if I do not agree with her reasoning, I'll tell her that, as well.

    Married life isn't about always agreeing and getting along together. That's a pipe dream and that pipe isn't packed with tobacco.

    Marriage, contrary to popular belief amongst the young/idealistic, isn't something that "just works out". It's something that requires hard work if both people are to truly make good on the vows they exchanged to "blah, blah, blah, 'til death do you part".

    I've told my wife many times over the years that I did not marry her because we agreed on everything and I look to her as the balance in my life that keeps me on an even keel because of that.

    All that said...there are also boundaries in marriages, too, and each marriage is different that way. Unless there can actually be demonstrated that there is something harmful to the marriage, sometimes one partner just needs to bite the bullet. What's harmful to the marriage needs to be settled between the couple and varies somewhat.

    There is a matter of respect here on the part of both of you. You need to respect her concerns about your guns AND she needs to respect who you are and what guns mean to you. There's a level of maturity required for this.

    Sometimes both people just need to agree to disagree and move on without dwelling on matters any further.


    And quite frankly, if my wife ever used a phrase like "You're placing guns before me. You make me feel like I can't trust you because you don't want to tell me when you buy a gun. If it makes me feel comfortable, why does it matter?" it would flip the "give a darn" switch off for me. It could be about anything, not just guns.

    Why?

    Because it's manipulative and a guilt trip and I don't do either of those things. My wife was quite aware of this long before we married because it was a major issue in my first marriage.

    How did my wife deal with me on some things that I didn't like? In her own, everloving words:

    "Get over it."

    Wise woman, my wife.

    ;)
     
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