[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.
New research from Grant Cunningham:
Many years ago I came across an obscure part of Scripture that deals with this subject. I was able to get it translated from the ancient Hebrew in which it was written, and here are some of the more relevant portions:
"In the beginning, the universe was without form; the Lord made the
earth in the shape of the sphere, that is to be round, for the Lord
looks upon roundness with great favor."
"The Lord said to Adam and Eve, lo I give you the cycle of seasons,
so that you mayest understand that one thing must follow another, in
their natural order. Do not doest in the Spring that which is meant
for the Autumn, for nature which I hath given to you shall always
complete a circle. The earth doth not shuttle back and forth, nor the
moon travel to-and-fro, for reciprocation is an abomination before
the Lord."
We learn of the birth of His Ballistic Holiness:
"...and she named her son Shmuel, that is Samuel, which means 'he
would be destined a prophet'. And the Lord would listen to Samuel, and
shower him with great favor. As the boy did grow he became known as
Samuel the Colt, for he was exceedingly fast and lithe, with graceful
manner and of great wisdom."
The people were in need of deliverance from the evil around them, and from that need sprang The Gift:
..."and the people, needing protection from their pursuers, looked to
the Lord. The Lord said, I will give Shmuel, who you call Sam, the gift of invention
and artistry. From him will come the means of your rescue, which you should
never forget nor abandon; for the Lord wishes you to have only the best."
Of course, people never recognize a good thing even when it stares them in the face. From that flows what has become known as the Browning Apostasy, and the punishment which results:
"And Shmuel asked Yonaton, that is the same as John, how the
detestable thing came to be, and Yonaton answered 'I threw these
parts into the fire, and it sprang whole from the flames as you see
it here, save for the grip safety which was added by the mob.' And
the Lord knew that Yonaton was lying, and vowed to punish him."
"The Lord said to Yonaton, 'you hath committed an abomination unto the
Lord, and from now on you will be cursed. Your followers, though they
be many, will fight amongst themselves in vain; they will revile each
other, none of them seeing the truth, for their eyes will be blinded
by their lust for their own kind. Your devices will be functional but
not accurate, or accurate but not functional, but never both at the
same time, thus always serving to you and your followers as a sign of
your transgression. Some will try to bring peace to your camps, that
is to marry function and accuracy, but their attempts will be
thwarted by my wrath, which will become known in latter days as 'KahBoom'."
"And the Lord said to Shmuel, yours too will be many, and they will
be entrusted with serving as a light unto the world. They will be
mocked and ridiculed by those whose devices are either functional or
accurate, but never both at the same time, whilst yours will continue
to be functional and accurate, each at the same time, and fairer to
look upon as well. Whilst I made man and woman, you will make them
equal; for the world is not flat, neither should your gun be."
As translated from the original ancient manuscripts by Fr. Frog.
© copyright 2002 by John C. Schaefer
1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, "Thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain."
2 "And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm."
3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.
4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it, and these profaners didst try and fit more rounds of ammunition into the magazines than the holy number of seven, appointed for the .45.
5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and lose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle. a
6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.
7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men, the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.
8 And being a deceitful spirit, the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.
9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both **** and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.
10 But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.
11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.
12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had intended.
13 And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation b by the followers of John.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Several old manuscripts add the following text. "And they [also rendered as "these men"] didst chamber it for cartridges who's calibers startith with numbers less than the Holy Number 4. And lo the Lord did cause great grief amongst these men when their enemies who were struck in battle with these lesser numbers didst not fall but did continue to cause great harm."
b or Hell
© copyright 2002 by John C. Schaefer
King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.
New research from Grant Cunningham:
Many years ago I came across an obscure part of Scripture that deals with this subject. I was able to get it translated from the ancient Hebrew in which it was written, and here are some of the more relevant portions:
"In the beginning, the universe was without form; the Lord made the
earth in the shape of the sphere, that is to be round, for the Lord
looks upon roundness with great favor."
"The Lord said to Adam and Eve, lo I give you the cycle of seasons,
so that you mayest understand that one thing must follow another, in
their natural order. Do not doest in the Spring that which is meant
for the Autumn, for nature which I hath given to you shall always
complete a circle. The earth doth not shuttle back and forth, nor the
moon travel to-and-fro, for reciprocation is an abomination before
the Lord."
We learn of the birth of His Ballistic Holiness:
"...and she named her son Shmuel, that is Samuel, which means 'he
would be destined a prophet'. And the Lord would listen to Samuel, and
shower him with great favor. As the boy did grow he became known as
Samuel the Colt, for he was exceedingly fast and lithe, with graceful
manner and of great wisdom."
The people were in need of deliverance from the evil around them, and from that need sprang The Gift:
..."and the people, needing protection from their pursuers, looked to
the Lord. The Lord said, I will give Shmuel, who you call Sam, the gift of invention
and artistry. From him will come the means of your rescue, which you should
never forget nor abandon; for the Lord wishes you to have only the best."
Of course, people never recognize a good thing even when it stares them in the face. From that flows what has become known as the Browning Apostasy, and the punishment which results:
"And Shmuel asked Yonaton, that is the same as John, how the
detestable thing came to be, and Yonaton answered 'I threw these
parts into the fire, and it sprang whole from the flames as you see
it here, save for the grip safety which was added by the mob.' And
the Lord knew that Yonaton was lying, and vowed to punish him."
"The Lord said to Yonaton, 'you hath committed an abomination unto the
Lord, and from now on you will be cursed. Your followers, though they
be many, will fight amongst themselves in vain; they will revile each
other, none of them seeing the truth, for their eyes will be blinded
by their lust for their own kind. Your devices will be functional but
not accurate, or accurate but not functional, but never both at the
same time, thus always serving to you and your followers as a sign of
your transgression. Some will try to bring peace to your camps, that
is to marry function and accuracy, but their attempts will be
thwarted by my wrath, which will become known in latter days as 'KahBoom'."
"And the Lord said to Shmuel, yours too will be many, and they will
be entrusted with serving as a light unto the world. They will be
mocked and ridiculed by those whose devices are either functional or
accurate, but never both at the same time, whilst yours will continue
to be functional and accurate, each at the same time, and fairer to
look upon as well. Whilst I made man and woman, you will make them
equal; for the world is not flat, neither should your gun be."
As translated from the original ancient manuscripts by Fr. Frog.
© copyright 2002 by John C. Schaefer
1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, "Thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain."
2 "And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm."
3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.
4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it, and these profaners didst try and fit more rounds of ammunition into the magazines than the holy number of seven, appointed for the .45.
5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and lose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle. a
6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.
7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men, the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.
8 And being a deceitful spirit, the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.
9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both **** and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.
10 But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.
11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.
12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had intended.
13 And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation b by the followers of John.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Several old manuscripts add the following text. "And they [also rendered as "these men"] didst chamber it for cartridges who's calibers startith with numbers less than the Holy Number 4. And lo the Lord did cause great grief amongst these men when their enemies who were struck in battle with these lesser numbers didst not fall but did continue to cause great harm."
b or Hell
© copyright 2002 by John C. Schaefer
