dfariswheel
Member
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2002
- Messages
- 6,656
Recently, I was asked by a new husband about how to buy a new gun, after his wife was somewhat less than receptive to the idea when he brought it up.
As a service, here-in are my instructions on the proper technique.
This technique will also work for golfing and fishing gear, but must not be over-used.
dfariswheel
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HOW TO BUY A NEW GUN WITHOUT GETTING THE WIFE ANGRY.
Go out and buy your new, expensive gun, being sure to get all the expensive options.
Be sure to use funding she won't hear about, preferably cash.
Obtain some newspaper from the 1980's, better, the 1970's.
(Be sure the paper has that old musty smell).
Sprinkle a little dust on the gun, and wrap in the old newspaper.
Liberally cover the newspaper with dust and plenty of spider webs.
Always try to obtain webs with dead bugs still in it.
Casually stroll into the house and toss the gun onto the kitchen counter.
The wife's antenna will immediately deploy and detect a firearm. She will demand to know if you've bought yet another new gun.
Off-handedly ask if she remembers "Joe Somebody". (Always pick a name that sounds familiar, but isn't of a real person. This will preclude her actually checking up later).
When she admits she remembers the fictitious person, tell her he was:
On a drunk, getting divorced, bankrupt, etc, and needed money.
Tell her you gave "Joe" $25.00 for this "old gun" because you felt sorry for him.
Immediately shove the smelly, bug and web encrusted package in her face, and ask if she wants to see it.
When she flinches away with an "Ewwwww", and says to get it out of here, tell her you'll put it in the basement or garage.
DO NOT MENTION JOE OR THE GUN EVER AGAIN.
Over a period of weeks, or better months, gradually unwrap and clean up the gun.
During this period, move the gun by stages from the basement or garage to the inside of the house, and eventually into the gun room.
When it gets to the gun room be sure it still has easily visible traces of the old newspaper and spider webs on it.
Eventually, clean up your new treasure and move it to the gun case with your other fine guns.
By this time she'll be so used to seeing the "old, dirty $25.00 gun" that she will no longer be paying attention as it begins to shine in it's new gun glory.
You'll have successfully purchased an expensive new gun, and avoided the dreaded:
"YOU BOUGHT A NEW GUN, YOU DON'T NEED A NEW GUN, YOU'VE GOT GUNS, WE NEEDED THE MONEY FOR..........."
(This sounds remarkably like a dull chain saw hitting a tree spike, a sound familiar to all husbands).
For those of you inexperienced newer husbands who feel uncomfortable with using a ploy like this, I would remind you of the other side of the coin: The wife's technique of "buying new shoes to match the "cheap" new purse that was "on sale".
dfariswheel
As a service, here-in are my instructions on the proper technique.
This technique will also work for golfing and fishing gear, but must not be over-used.
dfariswheel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO BUY A NEW GUN WITHOUT GETTING THE WIFE ANGRY.
Go out and buy your new, expensive gun, being sure to get all the expensive options.
Be sure to use funding she won't hear about, preferably cash.
Obtain some newspaper from the 1980's, better, the 1970's.
(Be sure the paper has that old musty smell).
Sprinkle a little dust on the gun, and wrap in the old newspaper.
Liberally cover the newspaper with dust and plenty of spider webs.
Always try to obtain webs with dead bugs still in it.
Casually stroll into the house and toss the gun onto the kitchen counter.
The wife's antenna will immediately deploy and detect a firearm. She will demand to know if you've bought yet another new gun.
Off-handedly ask if she remembers "Joe Somebody". (Always pick a name that sounds familiar, but isn't of a real person. This will preclude her actually checking up later).
When she admits she remembers the fictitious person, tell her he was:
On a drunk, getting divorced, bankrupt, etc, and needed money.
Tell her you gave "Joe" $25.00 for this "old gun" because you felt sorry for him.
Immediately shove the smelly, bug and web encrusted package in her face, and ask if she wants to see it.
When she flinches away with an "Ewwwww", and says to get it out of here, tell her you'll put it in the basement or garage.
DO NOT MENTION JOE OR THE GUN EVER AGAIN.
Over a period of weeks, or better months, gradually unwrap and clean up the gun.
During this period, move the gun by stages from the basement or garage to the inside of the house, and eventually into the gun room.
When it gets to the gun room be sure it still has easily visible traces of the old newspaper and spider webs on it.
Eventually, clean up your new treasure and move it to the gun case with your other fine guns.
By this time she'll be so used to seeing the "old, dirty $25.00 gun" that she will no longer be paying attention as it begins to shine in it's new gun glory.
You'll have successfully purchased an expensive new gun, and avoided the dreaded:
"YOU BOUGHT A NEW GUN, YOU DON'T NEED A NEW GUN, YOU'VE GOT GUNS, WE NEEDED THE MONEY FOR..........."
(This sounds remarkably like a dull chain saw hitting a tree spike, a sound familiar to all husbands).
For those of you inexperienced newer husbands who feel uncomfortable with using a ploy like this, I would remind you of the other side of the coin: The wife's technique of "buying new shoes to match the "cheap" new purse that was "on sale".
dfariswheel
