Preacherman
Member
Received this via e-mail from a friend. Had to share it with y'all... 
The Evolution Of Liberals And Conservatives
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers, who didn't know too much.
A thousand generations or so ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation and genesis of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups (which we will discuss shortly)..
Now once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture, which required men to sit around in one place while it grew. After doing that for a while, ancient man quickly consigned most of this work to women.
Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home, in order to think of how these things might be made. Naturally, such hanging around was usually done right at the site of the brewing.
It was precisely during this hanging-around-time that our male ancestors developed the division of the species, which persists to this day.
What happened was, things began to change, as they always do, and some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hanging around and drinking beer, which seems infinitely preferable to most everything else). Hence, the term "Conservative" was born.
Between bouts of drinking beer, these same Conservatives also broke their boredom by spending some days in the dangerous pursuit of big game animals (which in those times were actually very big). At night they would roast their prey at huge barbecue pits, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking more beer, passing wind and telling jokes, most involving sex and women.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. This group is responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, these fellows sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from all the inequities that they perceived were outside - thus their designation as "Liberals."
In the evening Liberals gathered around their own fires, nibbling on fruit and nuts, and sharing their innermost feelings. Today some liberals try to pretend that they're sort of Conservative by mimicking some of the things real Conservatives do, and as a result they have had a bit of success in confusing people. However, the following are a few tips that may help in distinguishing between the two types.
By definition, Liberals believe in big government, and high taxes to pay for it. They believe Government is inherently good, because it can create a program to correct every unfair situation (of which there are countless).
Liberals fully understand that most people are too stupid to spend their untaxed income properly, or on things that Liberals like, so higher taxes allow Liberals in government to do it for them.
Conservatives by instinct don't like government, and aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars.
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh, and up there with the Big Man in the Sky, John Wayne. Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer, American beer. Some liberals like beer, but only if imported. Most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's typically not (read “unâ€) American.
Your basic conservative vehicle typically has names like Yukon, Expedition and the like. In any case, they’re big, American, four-wheel drive, and have powerful V-8s so they will do and go where you want them to. They suck up the gas, but Conservative don’t much mind, because it’s not that expensive and why else would we have big American oil companies bringing it to us?
Conservatives eat beef, and meat from other hoofed animals, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue on fires. Big game hunters are conservative. Still!
Interior decorators are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it somehow just didn’t seem "fair" that multi-million dollar pitchers had to take their turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Stealer linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they could more easily be distinguished from real football players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson , George Michaels and others who like little boys or look for love in men’s rooms are Liberals. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers and journalists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and construction workers are conservatives.
Liberals distrust prosecutors and police. Conservatives believe that lots of evidence of guilt, means that the defendant is guilty.
Conservatives not only believe in the death penalty for murderers, but most would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
Liberals believe that Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans, so they constantly complain that we should imitate them.
Conservatives understand that America was built by Europeans who thought that Europe was a decadent class-ridden society and who fled as soon as they could. Conservatives now see Europeans as psueudo-intellectual and gutless.
Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan the Barbarian". Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and "The Big Chill."
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair". The concept of establishing which is the “best†horse is for Liberals, incomprehensible.
The American cowboy, of course, is emblematic of the full-bore Conservative. For example: a hundred years ago an Englishman was out in South Dakota, trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where I might find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."
The Evolution Of Liberals And Conservatives
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers, who didn't know too much.
A thousand generations or so ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation and genesis of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups (which we will discuss shortly)..
Now once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture, which required men to sit around in one place while it grew. After doing that for a while, ancient man quickly consigned most of this work to women.
Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home, in order to think of how these things might be made. Naturally, such hanging around was usually done right at the site of the brewing.
It was precisely during this hanging-around-time that our male ancestors developed the division of the species, which persists to this day.
What happened was, things began to change, as they always do, and some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hanging around and drinking beer, which seems infinitely preferable to most everything else). Hence, the term "Conservative" was born.
Between bouts of drinking beer, these same Conservatives also broke their boredom by spending some days in the dangerous pursuit of big game animals (which in those times were actually very big). At night they would roast their prey at huge barbecue pits, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking more beer, passing wind and telling jokes, most involving sex and women.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. This group is responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, these fellows sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from all the inequities that they perceived were outside - thus their designation as "Liberals."
In the evening Liberals gathered around their own fires, nibbling on fruit and nuts, and sharing their innermost feelings. Today some liberals try to pretend that they're sort of Conservative by mimicking some of the things real Conservatives do, and as a result they have had a bit of success in confusing people. However, the following are a few tips that may help in distinguishing between the two types.
By definition, Liberals believe in big government, and high taxes to pay for it. They believe Government is inherently good, because it can create a program to correct every unfair situation (of which there are countless).
Liberals fully understand that most people are too stupid to spend their untaxed income properly, or on things that Liberals like, so higher taxes allow Liberals in government to do it for them.
Conservatives by instinct don't like government, and aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars.
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh, and up there with the Big Man in the Sky, John Wayne. Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer, American beer. Some liberals like beer, but only if imported. Most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's typically not (read “unâ€) American.
Your basic conservative vehicle typically has names like Yukon, Expedition and the like. In any case, they’re big, American, four-wheel drive, and have powerful V-8s so they will do and go where you want them to. They suck up the gas, but Conservative don’t much mind, because it’s not that expensive and why else would we have big American oil companies bringing it to us?
Conservatives eat beef, and meat from other hoofed animals, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue on fires. Big game hunters are conservative. Still!
Interior decorators are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it somehow just didn’t seem "fair" that multi-million dollar pitchers had to take their turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Stealer linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they could more easily be distinguished from real football players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson , George Michaels and others who like little boys or look for love in men’s rooms are Liberals. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers and journalists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and construction workers are conservatives.
Liberals distrust prosecutors and police. Conservatives believe that lots of evidence of guilt, means that the defendant is guilty.
Conservatives not only believe in the death penalty for murderers, but most would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
Liberals believe that Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans, so they constantly complain that we should imitate them.
Conservatives understand that America was built by Europeans who thought that Europe was a decadent class-ridden society and who fled as soon as they could. Conservatives now see Europeans as psueudo-intellectual and gutless.
Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan the Barbarian". Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and "The Big Chill."
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair". The concept of establishing which is the “best†horse is for Liberals, incomprehensible.
The American cowboy, of course, is emblematic of the full-bore Conservative. For example: a hundred years ago an Englishman was out in South Dakota, trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where I might find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."
