The Old Man and The Raccoon.....a gun novel

[Topgun]

The Old Man and The Raccoon


Chapter 1………..The Encounter

Bad dream.
Wake up.
Look at clock.
12:25 AM
Lie back down.
Security light goes on.
RACCOON !!!
BIG raccoon……LOOKING in slider door.
Why, YOU little…..!

Chapter 2………The Preparation

Tell woman, “Get gun.â€
“WHAT?â€
G e t……g u n !
“Are you CRAZY?â€
Yes, get gun.
“But…..neighbors….â€
SCREW neighbors. Get GUN!
“Where?â€
Behind books.
“Which books?â€
(point…not wishing to alert beast) THOSE BOOKS!
“Where?â€
B O O K C A S E !!
“Not there.â€
IS too…..TOP shelf.
“Where?â€
L-e-f-t…..s-i-d-e…..TOP SHELF!
“Oh.â€

Chapter 3 ………………..The ACT

Have gun in hand.
Smith & Wesson Chief’s Special .38 wadcutter.
Raccoon begins to get picture.
“Aw, he’s only DRINKINGâ€
Shut UP! ………….. He DIES!
“Neighbors…..???â€
(ignore)
Gently open door……LOCKED!
DAMN!
Undo lock.
Raccoon now SURE things …“not rightâ€â€¦runs.
Get door open…..stealthily lean out.
Raccoon watching from behind bench.
Take CAREFUL aim.
S-q-u-e-e-z-e
BLAM!
Raccoon REALLY runs!

Chapter 4……….The Aftermath

Acrid smoke FILLS well-lighted patio.
Oh hell. SMOKE!
Still and cold night.
Smoke EVERYWHERE!....greasy WADCUTTERS!
Slam off light.
(wait)
Listen for sirens.
No sirens.
(wait more)
Carefully restore light.
Get flashlight.
Peer down sidewalk…..n o t h i n g .
Listen more for sirens.
No sirens…..ahhhh.
Go back to …fitful…sleep.

Chapter 5………….The Next Day

Wake up.
Look for blood.
No blood.
No hole in deck.
No hole in fence.
No hole in dirt.
No hole in tree.
No HOLE !!
Wonder….????
Go on Internet gun website.
Ask if raccoons fail to bleed after hit.
“Very common….fat seals wound.â€
Hmmm.
Never know.
DAMN RACCOONS!

The sun rises on the old man, sitting and looking aimlessly about. He is thinking how the village would love to know that he had killed the beast; that he was still a vital member of the community; that he ….mattered.



Afterword

I would like to thank all participants in this encounter for their invaluable help. First, my wife without whose cautious nature, I would have had the gun much earlier. Secondly, my loyal and complacent neighbors who, through either fear or fatigue, stayed out of the affair.
And last, but not least, Mr. A. Nonimus Raquoone, the seemingly ever present villain without whose regular visits, my life could be sublime and tranquil.
I would also be remiss if I did not add that some of my research into this novel may cast new doubt upon the wisdom of dependence on a .38 wadcutter for several applications.

 

[Bigjake]

great stuff

 

[Standing Wolf]

Sequel to follow close on the heels of the movie, no doubt?

 

[Drewcat]

That's great! Had almost the exact same experience recently.

Variations:

Used GP100;

Had hollow base wadcutter loaded backwards;

Had opportunity for second shot to decisively finish battle;

Found out hollow based wadcutters loaded backwards are no more effective than low velocity wadcutters in general (damn thing danced around bitting his side after the first shot like he had gotten stung by a bee or some other minor annoyance);

Wife refered to me as "heartless bastard" after seeing coon flopping around after second marginally effective shot;

Wife failed to talk to me for several days since I "could have woken up the baby" (even though he didn't wake up) and failed to take into consideration the "feelings" of wife and (Sleeping) baby.

 

[cheygriz]

Why would you shoot a raccoon in the first place? I'm an avid hunter, and I shoot (and eat) deer, elk, antelope, etc.

But why kill something just for the sake of killing? The only thing that accomplishes is to give ammunition to the anti-hunting movement.

 

[Bubbles]

I had to put shoot a raccoon once at the barn where I board my horse. It was 2:30 in the afternoon and definitely rabid (health dep't picked it up and confirmed later).

One shot of .45ACP HP at 30 yards from my CHL pistol put it down instantly.

Lesson learned: never fire a ported compact .45 pistol w/o ear protection if you can help it.

 

[Drewcat]

Cheygriz,

I can think of a lot of reasons to shoot a 'coon. They're {NOT} rodents that carry diseases; they like to make homes in attics, doing a lot of damage in the process; they crap all over the place, etc., etc.,

In my case the 'coon was getting into my garage, getting into the dog food, and messing with my 11 year old blind and crippled German Sheperd.

I also hunted 'coons in my youth. Back when fur was worth something it was often times pretty profitable.

Why do some people feel that hunting for "food" is some morally superior, or "justifiable" reason for killing an animal above any other. Don't get me wrong, I supplement my family's larder with venison and it saves a lot of money over the year. But, there are a lot of other good reasons to kill animals.

 

[sm]

Great story !

Tell us another one.

 

[dukeofurl]

Why would you shoot a raccoon in the first place? I'm an avid hunter, and I shoot (and eat) deer, elk, antelope, etc.

But why kill something just for the sake of killing? The only thing that accomplishes is to give ammunition to the anti-hunting movement.

RABIES.

That is all.

 

[Topgun]

Why shoot a coon? Good question. I.....used......to think they were cute lil critters. BEFORE I knew em.

They tip over garbage.
Eat koi
Wake ya up
but most of all..................THEY DON'T TAKE HINTS!

Before resorting to "deadly force" I tried the motion lights, bird netting, a wire mesh barricade, shooting with a BB gun, then a pellet gun (GOOD pellet gun....good SOLID lead pellets)....in fact I may have got rid of one with those. But I wanted to stop him NOW. Which I didn't.

I think they should be drafted and sent to Iraq. They are hard to kill and pests to boot.

I stupidly thought I could............confront and SCARE......one once. Oh no ya don't, buddy, he said. And faced me down.

A coon is BIG when yer in jammies an bare feet an he is 10feet...8feet....6feet....oh SHEEEEEEZE.....4 feet.....(where's my bedroom?)

Let's just say I have changed my mind regarding the cuteness of raccoons.

 

[macmuffy]

Not to hijack the subject…..
About 2230, listen closely and hear sounds from the basement. Intruders abound! Get SG and quietly open basement door. Step down far enough to be able to see clearly and then flip on light while sweeping basement with muzzle. Nothing in sight and no sounds. Look carefully behind chimney and wheelbarrow. Nothing.

Back upstairs and lights out. All quite for 30 minutes and sounds again. Repeat previous sweep. Step up two steps to basement door, oh oh door is slightly ajar. Open carefully and peer outside. Nothing. Hear scratching at window to my right and almost blow window out of its misery with 00 buck.

Big ugly possom on window ledge scratching at glass trying to escape.
Safe SG and get broom. (Basement door still open but have to go up two steps to exit.) Chase possom five laps around basement. Possom stops and stands on hind legs and hisses. Chases me three laps around basement. I escape upstairs, slam and lock door.

I’m safe. Put chair under door knob so he can’t force the door. Go to bed and hide under the covers until morning. Next morning get hand gun and carefully clear basement door and ease downstairs. Very carefully case basement for intruder. All clear, close and relock basement door back upstairs and lights out

Note to self, insure that basement door is secure each time I use it.

 

[sm]

What is the statue of limitations?

Oh well ...Once upon a time [tm] in a Apt complex where I used to live....we had Racoons. [ humm...always racoons where I've lived come to think of it] I was on the second level....directly below me on ground level were some really obnoxious folks , loud music at all hours, and elephants mating ( sounded like it anyway). Since these folks were prone to leave the patio open ...and partake of spirits and whatever else ...wander off , pass out , whatever....*ahem* somebody upstairs started feeding the racoons from a second level. Food just happened to land on the patio...

Neighbors and my schedules a bit different...., Racoons are smart and like schedules....then one day the feedings stopped -on purpose.

I waited..tick-tock....tick-tock....tick-tock...so about the time the folks normally passed out ...or the elephants would start mating....the Racoon family entered the first level apt ...Looking for their free meal they were used to.

OMG, the most blood curdling scream came from first level, two girls nude save for a pillow for one and towel for the other came running out to the parking lot...then one guy missed the parking lot ( get drunk enough you miss the parking lot) and bounced off a parked car. Oh well the wet grass probably didn't stain his robe too bad....

The Racoons came out with bags of chips, some Oreos, some other foods and looked like a pair of hemostats...maybe that was what kept the baggie of spices closed.

Damn...I wish I had a video ...

It was for the chillren...baby racoons gotta eat too.

 

[HankL]

Why shoot the little buggers? Cause MS Katie says to.

This one kept getting in her bird feeder and like Topgun said, they don't take hints.

 

[cheygriz]

Cheygriz,

I can think of a lot of reasons to shoot a 'coon. They're rodents that carry diseases; they like to make homes in attics, doing a lot of damage in the process; they crap all over the place, etc., etc.,

In my case the 'coon was getting into my garage, getting into the dog food, and messing with my 11 year old blind and crippled German Sheperd.

I also hunted 'coons in my youth. Back when fur was worth something it was often times pretty profitable.

Why do some people feel that hunting for "food" is some morally superior, or "justifiable" reason for killing an animal above any other. Don't get me wrong, I supplement my families larder with venison and it saves a lot of money over the year. But, there are a lot of other good reasons to kill animals.

No flame intended, but I guess that we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

[HankB]

. . . Found out hollow based wadcutters loaded backwards are no more effective than low velocity wadcutters in general

I'm really surprised backwards HBWC's were so ineffective for you. I've tested them in various media with impressive results, and saw one used to put the coup de grace on a wounded whitetail.

Did you put a serious powder charge behind them, or just use the traditional target load of 2.7 grains of Bullseye?

 

[p35]

Heard disturbance in yard; go out back to find Akita beating !#@$ out of a possum that wandered into the wrong yard. Put Akita in the house, grab shovel, poke possum a few times, decide it's dead, pick it up on shovel and head for the garbage can in the garage. Inside garage, possum wakes up, jumps off, and runs under wife's car.

Wife is not impressed.

Possums thereafter get .22 between the ears before disposal. Some react, some don't.

 

[nordaim]

Not raccoons, but...

I have problems with feral cats out around where I live.

After having been attacked by one while trying to get it out of my house (openned door, cat rushed in, I scooped it up, went to toss it back out when it bit and hung on, scratching all the while), I will gladly shoot one if it starts trying to get into the house or sleeping on the porch.

Though rabies in humans is not a serious issue in pennsylvania, from the last time I checked the stats, it is common enough in animals to lead me to be concerned. Waiting for results to return on whether or not an animal is rabid is not a pleasant experience. Nor is the game warden's description of what the shots are like.

 

[AZ Jeff]

Cheygriz,

I can think of a lot of reasons to shoot a 'coon. They're rodents that carry diseases.......

You need a lesson in zoology. Raccoons are NOT EVEN CLOSELY related to rodents.

Raccoons are in their own branch of the family tree for mammals, but are somewhat related to dogs.

 

[Drewcat]

HankB,

Yep, I was surprised the HBWC didn't work an better either, I really thought they would be just the thing for feral cats, rabid coons, what have you. Pretty dissapointing. They were just the typical 2.5 or 2.7 grain bullseye load (don't remember exactly now but typical wadcutter load), maybe that was the problem. I was afraid if I drove them to fast they wouldn't hold together, maybe some more experimentation is in order.

AZJeff,

Sorry, got me there, not a biologist or zoologist (Actually, I'm a geologist). Let me rephrase and say that to me they look like rodents. Or better yet, they are rodents in the derogatory sense. Like you might call the neighbor kid who's a big pain in the butt, "a little rodent".

P.S. I've corrected my previous post.