Those Conservatives

[Recon By Fire]

Those Dam Conservatives

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
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Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with killing just me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
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Conservative Answer:

BANG!
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Conservative Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click! Click! ... (Sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed.) Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?" Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad!"
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[Khornet]

Welcome, Recon...

You'd be amazed at the thread this generated earlier, maybe back in the TFL days.

 

[Mike Irwin]

Liberal Democratic politician's answer...

"BANG!" (That shot came from my bodyguard, thank you. Guns are evil and should be banned.)


A different answer...


"GLOCK .40? IT'LL BLOW UP IN MY HAND!"

 

[winstonsmith]

ANOTHER LIBERAL ANSWER:
Why would I have a gun? It would just go off maliciously when it was pointed at my childs face. What? I shouldn't let it be pointed there? But it's on safety!

 

[Handy]

Another answer:

"Why wasn't the importation of that kind of knife banned by Bush Sr's. Executive Order of 1990? The "assault weapons" were, after all."

 

[Dave R]

A more reliastic liberal answer...

I would submit to the attack. I just couldn't live with myself if I took another person's life. I'd rather let him take mine.

or

I would try to defend best I could, but I could never carry a gun. That would just be perpetuating the cycle of violence.

I've heard both arguments first hand.

OTOH, I couldn't live with myself if I failed to protect my family. Guess I'm not liberal.

 

[Standing Wolf]

It's not the criminal's fault. He's just a poor, pitiful, helpless victim of society.

 

[Ed Ely]

This explains some of it...

Philosophical Cows

Democrat

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

TEAMSTERS
You have two cows.
Every other member has two cows.
Leadership has 1,000 cows.
You got a problem with that?

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas.

 

[Dave R]

ROTF! That last line was a true belly whomper.

 

[MarkDido]

Cow, Ammended

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

The people who can't figure out the two-hole cow ballot go to the bingo hall and flawlessly play 60 cards while reading People Magazine, smoking a cigarette and eating a knish.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

But you still b*tch that the other one "really" won.